Lilmisus Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 For the past few months, I have known my boyfriend to be a huge flirt, but in the past month and a half, since we've been dating, he's sworn to cut down on it, even though I made it clear to him that I'm okay if he flirts..just as long as there's a FINE line there. Well..he's said a gazillion times that I'm welcomed to look through his phone, facebook, e-mails, etc since there's nothing he's trying to hide from me. After getting into our first fight two days ago about him flirting with a girl at our job who he was "talking" to before we started dating, him and I have gotten back on track to being the "happy cute couple" that everyone says we are. That night, I let him take my laptop for the night to work on his assignment since his is broken, and since it was the first night we've spent apart in a while, according to him, he didn't get to sleep till about five am. He put on his status that he wasn't used to not used to sleeping without me, and told me that he talked to a few people. Well, when I got home yesterday, I went on Facebook, and saw that I had two new messages, so I clicked on them. Low and behold...I was on his still. Since just an hour earlier he was trying to show me his messages, I figured, why not just give it a look. Apparently he messaged ten people in that night alone (I've known he likes to message a lot of people at once), but the fact that two were exes, kinda didn't set well with me...even though he talked to one of them about her friend dying and the other about me and her boyfriend. Being the nosy girlfriend I am, (and after seeing that he is STILL messaging mainly girls), I looked a little further than just that night and saw one from the fourteenth. In that conversation, it was obvious that they're used to flirting with one another. He called her sexy after saying he could see why lots of guys were going after her. They talked about her losing weight and he said he wanted to see before and after pictures. They talked about how they don't have each others numbers and he said he'd probably end up calling her, since he's not that nice. She said she wouldn't like that and he said it'd probably only be drunk calling and he'd be able to refrain from sleeping with her as long as all her clothes were on. They said other stuff, but I just remember it ending with he was going to go masturbate to her before work, then said "ah, that helped" or something. I think it's safe to say that yeah, I'm pissed. He told me that for the past month he's been cutting the flirting out and that right after we started dating he wasn't talking to anyone else and had no back up plan. Told me it scared him and that he tried flirting with a few other girls a few weeks after we started but it felt wrong. By that...I didn't think he meant basically sexting some chick in Cleavland. I trust him very much and know he would never cheat on me, but I like to think that emotional cheating and flirting to that extent are also very wrong, and I told him I stopped talking/flirting with guys already. So...since we already got into a fight about him flirting (at least over that one girl..who's actually my friend and who I know he wouldn't do anything with), and he promised to cut down on it again and since that was a month ago, and nothing bad since then...what do I do, if anything? I love him very much and I know he's better than he was once...but still, it's only right that I'm mad and try to take action, isn't it?
Quiet Storm Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 You have every right to be upset. A man in a committed relationship should not be telling other women that they jerk off thinking about her. Don't pay attention to his words, pay attention to his actions. His actions will show his true intentions. You can tell a person's true character by watching what they do when noone is looking. It is normal for a young man to be attracted to many different women. However, men that are genuinely committed will have strong boundaries in place and curb those urges to pursue. Not because they aren't interested, but because they respect their partner's feelings. You told him how you felt about his flirting and he did it anyway. Those actions (not his words), tell the story.
Imajerk17 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) Well lilmisus, I don't mean to sound unkind, but all the signs were there for you to see that there was going to be a lot of drama. Right from the beginning, bright and flashing, and yet you didn't heed them, so, well... You've been dating him barely a month. If this is how it is already, then what do you think it would be like much further down the road? Edited October 11, 2011 by Imajerk17
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 A guy (or girl) who communicates like that with members of the opposite sex when in a "committed relationship" needs to be dumped. I'm sorry, but it is a hopeless situation. Obviously, he feels that this is appropriate behavior. You don't (neither do i). Even if you "make" him stop it, you are still left with a boyfriend who wants to do that and who will probably resent you for interfering with his "harmless flirting." People who are serious about their relationships know that they need to protect their relationship. Not expose it to trouble at every opportunity.
Author Lilmisus Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 A guy (or girl) who communicates like that with members of the opposite sex when in a "committed relationship" needs to be dumped. I'm sorry, but it is a hopeless situation. Obviously, he feels that this is appropriate behavior. You don't (neither do i). Even if you "make" him stop it, you are still left with a boyfriend who wants to do that and who will probably resent you for interfering with his "harmless flirting." People who are serious about their relationships know that they need to protect their relationship. Not expose it to trouble at every opportunity. Well...I'm not really thinking about dumping him just yet, since I am guilty of telling him that I'm fine with his flirting since I've known since the beginning that that's just how he is. But each time I mention that something bothers me, he does try to change it. Like for instance..the coworker who I had an issue with his flirting with, put her head on his shoulder (she's done it since she started there) a week or so ago, I told him it bothered me and it wasn't right and he said he would stop physical contact like that and talked to her about it. Also, his texting girls (even his son's mother) at random hours in the night has also stopped since I told him it bothered me too. I think that my issue here is that I need to set down the rule of "you can be friends, even with exes, but keep it non-sexual" (which for him, is hard, since he even makes sex jokes with his mom and family members and most of his friends are girls). But for the record, some girls who he was "talking to" have even reached out to me and told me "yeah, he stopped texting me after y'all started dating, now I know why!" or "you seem to make him really happy!" or "I've heard so many great things about you, he rants and raves about you all the time" so I know that he is telling most of them that he's trying to be a good boyfriend this time around and doesn't want to hurt me. I know he loves me and we're already loosely talking about the future together, so I just don't want to throw that away just yet without trying to work on the issues him and I have. but how do I bring this issue up without sounding like a stalker chick?
Quiet Storm Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 You are wasting your time with this guy. He is showing you who he really is and you don't want to believe it.
WhiteChocolate Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 You are wasting your time with this guy. He is showing you who he really is and you don't want to believe it. Did you even read her last paragraph? But for the record, some girls who he was "talking to" have even reached out to me and told me "yeah, he stopped texting me after y'all started dating, now I know why!" or "you seem to make him really happy!" or "I've heard so many great things about you, he rants and raves about you all the time" so I know that he is telling most of them that he's trying to be a good boyfriend this time around and doesn't want to hurt me. I know he loves me and we're already loosely talking about the future together, so I just don't want to throw that away just yet without trying to work on the issues him and I have. but how do I bring this issue up without sounding like a stalker chick? I don't think you would sound like a stalker chick if you brought it up. It might be slightly eating your own words though, since as you said you told him it was alright with you for him to flirt a bit. I think that when he flirts, it is not necessarily with emotional attachment. Maybe when he talked about jerking off to the other girl, it is just the type of jokes he has grown up around, since you said he talks about sex with his family. Therefore, there might be little risk for an emotional affair. However, it can also be seen as socially inappropriate. So basically it is up to you to make up your mind. Instead of trying to beat around the bush, saying, "It's okay if you flirt with other girls, but you can't say X, Y, and Z...and oh I found this on your FB and you should stop doing A, B, and C too," it would probably be more productive to have a discussion about your fundamental expectations of each other, what defines flirting/cheating, etc. Just my 2cents
azsinglegal Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm a firm believer of "what I don't know won't hurt me". Every time I've snooped around my man's stuff it's ended in disaster. Not cuz he was doing anything wrong per sey, but because I perceived it as wrong. I read things out of context several times. Sounds like you are insecure by reading his messages... But...his flirting IS an issue if he jacked off thinking about some other girl and then told her. That would be grounds for me to end it alone. But apparently, you're willing to put up with alot more **** than me. I know my man talks to other women, but he doesn't jerk off to them and if he does, I'm confident he doesn't go as far as to tell them. What is this guy? 15? Grow up. Fantasy masturbation is fine, even about other people - but you don't go telling them about it. He doesn't sound commited to not only you, but the relationship. Either dump him and move on, or realize you're giving him an inch and he's taking a mile. Allowing him to flirt is just giving him permission to disrespect you IMO.
OnyxSnowfall Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) Perhaps you need to accept that you were wrong about being "okay" with his "flirting". Don't attempt to adhere to something because you're afraid of recanting it or even how it will make you appear... don't try to endure damage because you think you brought it upon yourself or something either. Don't try to be someone you are NOT... We all make claims that, when tested either unravel or, simply just change over time... even if they were once sincere. You need to communicate this and stop worrying about what you're going to look like --- really, "a stalker chick?" What do you think HE looks like? Why are you caring so much about how you look when he's the one who told some other girl that she was sexy and that he was going to masturbate to her AND that the only way they wouldn't have sex is if she kept her clothes on? I think you need to work on your self-esteem. If you had a more solid, stable self-esteem, I don't think you would put up with this... or anyone, really (who desires an exclusive relationship). To the point --- I really doubt you can change this man. At best, he will probably try to learn how to hide things from you better. Generally speaking, people who need to "flirt" heavily, especially while in an "exclusive" relationship, are simply acting out their own insecurities. Their broken needs will, in the end, outweigh any "love" they may have for you. While some people are just extremely oblivious and naive... once they are informed that their behavior is hurtful to their partner, and yet they still can't "break the habit", it's probably not going to cease until they address why they've developed it or some miracle switch goes off in their head and they see things radically differently. Chances are, when other issues crop up between you two (or even this issue wears on him over time), he will run to other women and go beyond "flirting"... Love, while an extremely potent and wonderful force, is not in and of itself enough to make something work. Edited October 11, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
Thieves Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 In my opinion, first of all, you need to decide for yourself - once and for all - if you are okay with flirting or not. Not sometimes you are, sometimes not. You either are or aren't. Saying that you're okay with him flirting but only within certain limits is questionable, because he might do something one day that he really thinks is okay and within the limit, but you think is over the limit. And if you have to go beyond stating limits and get into specifics of what he can and cannot do, who he can and cannot talk to, he might then feel like he's becoming too 'tied-down' or the situation is too controlled, which can start to build resentment, and it'll go on and on. Secondly, you need to take a deep breath and be the grown-up here, and that first includes admitting to him that you misjudged yourself as far as flirting. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you were wrong about this. That you thought you were okay with him flirting, but you have realized that you're not and it makes you uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if you eat your own words, speaking up is infinitely better than sitting there and suffering silently the whole time. Him jerking off to another woman and actually telling her that is just crazy to me. My jaw was almost on the floor when I read that. He really did go pretty far, didn't he? If he truly cares for you, he will not mind putting his meaningless flirting aside for the health of your relationship. If that's really just who he is and feels it's acceptable, then you two will have decide if you are truly compatible on this level, as it will surely pop up again later during your relationship.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Sorry to be such a buzzkiller, but either the relationship is going to ex/implode pretty soon, or you are going to be rationalizing and justifying completely unacceptable behavior for the duration. I looked at some of your past threads. You've only dated him for ONE MONTH; he's only been definitely broken up from his ex (baby's mom) for TWO MONTHS. He has not even figured out how to support his own child yet. You have mentioned flaming red flags galore before this, which I won't enumerate but they are serious. What happened to your promise to yourself not to get into another relationship until you'd worked through issues you have in therapy? You mentioned this in September. Now it's early October and you are "in love" and figuring out how to either accept or control unacceptable, uncontrollable behavior in another person. This relationship is off to a very, very poor start.
ChessPieceFace Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Being the nosy girlfriend I am, (and after seeing that he is STILL messaging mainly girls), I looked a little further than just that night and saw one from the fourteenth. In that conversation, it was obvious that they're used to flirting with one another. He called her sexy after saying he could see why lots of guys were going after her. They talked about her losing weight and he said he wanted to see before and after pictures. They talked about how they don't have each others numbers and he said he'd probably end up calling her, since he's not that nice. She said she wouldn't like that and he said it'd probably only be drunk calling and he'd be able to refrain from sleeping with her as long as all her clothes were on. They said other stuff, but I just remember it ending with he was going to go masturbate to her before work, then said "ah, that helped" or something. Sorry, but I can't figure out what happened when, in your story. But if this masturbation incident you describe happened while you were in an "exclusive relationship" with this guy, just dump him right now.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) Sorry, but I can't figure out what happened when, in your story. But if this masturbation incident you describe happened while you were in an "exclusive relationship" with this guy, just dump him right now. No kidding. He's a loser and a creep. And gross. Please remove rose-colored glasses asap. Since in reality you are just barely in the "getting to know him" stage, you should be able to listen to the warning signals you are getting right and left and remove yourself with a little pain that will disappear very shortly. Or, you can go on until you're completely messed up. You have shared no positives about him except your subjective, romantic feelings (like, you "love" him and he is "wonderful" and you are such a "cute couple"). The real stuff you've shared has ALL been negative. Edited October 11, 2011 by Mme. Chaucer
Author Lilmisus Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 So I talked to him today. I went over to his house and I was thinking heavily of a lot of what y'all said and I was strongly thinking about dumping him. When we went into his room and he asked me about a conversation that I had with my mom yesterday, I told him right after "Oh guess what! I logged onto my Facebook yesterday, and you know...apparently it wasn't mine, it was yours!" I didn't tell the complete truth in how I read through his messages but I did tell him that I saw his inbox and how just about all of the messages were from girls and I jokingly said "Yeah, you can look at my inbox and you don't have to worry about guys..they're all girls, which apparently is the truth for you too!" He pretty much assumed I looked through his messages and said "It's okay if you looked at my messages, I have nothing to hide." When he asked why it was bothering me, I told him how I went from his inbox to mine and went looking through it to see if there was anything bad at all from it, and how I went all the way to February when I last messaged my ex (while together), and how I remembered the message I sent him, and how soon after that I found out that he wasn't reading any of my messages, but how he was talking to a bunch of other girls on Facebook and that's how I first figured out he probably cheated on me. I also told him how that him flirting with me and others while with his ex made me assume that he'd probably flirt and talk like that to others while with me. He told me that he's not proud of that at all, but he was ready for that relationship to end since she was cheating on him and living with her now fiance while they were together, but that our relationship is a lot different than their relationship and he feels no desire to do that. He then went and got his phone and told me that he wants me to see all his messages. I told him the only way we'd go through his phone is if we went through mine as well. I went through my inbox, named off every person I had messaged in the past few months...if it was a guy (there were only two) then I told him the story about them. After a few minutes of hearing a bunch of girls names he was like "okay, okay, I get it, I talk to a lot of girls" and proceeded to pull me to his side and go through his inbox. He went through each message, let me read it and/or told me the story about the girl (two of which were exes) to prove that in the past month he hasn't flirted with anyone. We stopped right before we got to the message with the chick he sexually flirted with, but only because his mom called him, but he told me I have his full permission to look through every single message on there. He also told me that there were a few girls (one of whom he told to add me), that he wanted to do the immature thing of showing how happy we are together and said that he'd start to flirt with them, but then he'd whip out the "I have a girlfriend now" card and proceed to tell them how happy we are (which he pretty much did in that message), to basically say "Yeah...you can't have this now" since some girls turned him down harshly when he'd try to flirt with them. I told him that yeah that's pretty immature and wrong, and he said that he knew, but at the same time it made him feel somewhat better to let them know how happy he was now that he was with me. He also once again confessed to not so innocent flirting right after we dated, but like I said...in the past month (even in his text messages)...nothing. In the end....he said he understands about the talking and flirting with girls things, even on Facebook and how he's willing to put it to an end for me since he doesn't want me worrying or doubting this relationship and wants me to be happy since I mean so much to him. Things are good between us now....and I'm just hoping that he doesn't give me another reason to question how committed he is to this relationship.
betterdeal Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Go and flirt with a load of guys. Every time I've been involved with a flirtatious woman and she's carried on flirting once we were serious, I've accepted it and taken it to mean she's into free love so I start flirting too. Curiously, they all got very upset.
Ebony78 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Wow, you really have no self respect do you? See you in a month when you're heartbroken.
Emilia Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 This boy needs A LOT of external validation, I don't even know how you can still respect him after he admitted to his immature games. He may never grow out of it, I see it in older guys when they are out with the missus. They try to chat up other women in front of their SO just to prove that they can.... Lowest life form on the planet in my opinion.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Depressing. Please tell me: what happened to your resolve of just a little over a month ago to NOT GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP until you'd done some serious therapy to work on your issues? OP, it's obvious that under the surface, you know very well that this person is a mess. Otherwise you would not have "casually" mentioned all the sleazy behavior here on LS. You gave us that info for a reason. Regardless of his traits, YOU are in trouble. Why are you allowing yourself to "accept" the unacceptable? Heck, even if he was a halfway decent man, why are you allowing yourself to go to the "in love" place when you've been dating for a mere few weeks? Especially since you are self-aware enough to know that you needed to work on yourself before you got involved again? Yet, evidently, you have given yourself away 100% to the first male person who acted like he liked you. Listen. A man who CHOOSES to behave the way this guy (I'm not even going to refer to him as your boyfriend) does across the board is just … a loser. You (anybody) needs to be with a partner who actually gets, all by themselves and not because their SO busted them, that jerking off to a girl on FB and then telling her about it is way out of line. Not to even mention all the other crap you've shared about him. You've clearly defined your position. And, evidently, you are having a groundhog day relationship. Sounds a lot like your last one. Sad.
veggirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Did you tell him you saw the one about his jerking it to another girl? You're actually okay with that because he is going to what..."try to stop"? and because he realized "oh, wow, I DO text a lot of girls..." as if he didn't know?
azsinglegal Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 So many words ... so much pointless drama ... so little sense. You will accept anything basically. Have you always done this? How about some self-respect? (And honestly I mean that kindly) ^^ Agree You need to get some self respect. Really sad you're defending him. Life's too short to make someone a priority who only has you as an option.
Recommended Posts