Question for men with anger issues

[Feelin Frisky]

...., since I'm obviously incapable of attracting a guy who comes anywhere near normal and healthy...

I hope you don't actually believe this ^. You are still a young woman with many potentially great and loving adventures left before hitting the age where you'd have to call it a life alone. I'm very sorry you are scared right now and have to worry about this guy acting out some weirdness. Have faith--there are fine and good men in the world and you will be found if you keep asserting yourself. Sincerest best wishes.

[Ruby Slippers]

I was thinking about posting an update. Since I saw the thread pop up, I will.

 

Basically, I think it's clear that ending it was the right thing. I haven't seen him since then, but I have kept communication open, in spite of some of the advice here, and so far, I think that's been the right move.

 

What's come out is that he's admitted he always wanted something serious with me, was trying to make do with FWB, but kept getting frustrated that I wouldn't let things progress. The weekend before he told me about the anger issues, he told me he loved me, and the sex was different that weekend -- more loving and even more focused on my pleasure than usual. I didn't say I loved him back. I just said, "Those are big words." And he said, "I know they are. And they're true."

 

Him telling me about the anger issues a day or two later felt like a warning, one that he was giving because he cared and wanted me to know the full story so I could make my own decision. I thanked him for that several times.

 

I told him I will be friends with him, but he says he wants to earn my trust back and be lovers again eventually. He said he will accept that we are lovers only and let me go when I meet someone I want to get serious with. But I don't trust that one bit. And I think asking me to hang out as friends is just a ruse.

 

I told him we probably shouldn't hang out until he accepts that we are friends only. Or we can go our separate ways.

 

I also laid down some firm boundaries and a warning about his hostile behavior: threaten me, harass me, or show up at my house uninvited, and I will call the police. The poster who said that would get his attention immediately was right. He became very agreeable once I made that clear.

 

Now that the worst is behind me, I can say that I don't regret getting involved with him. Even given the drama, we both had a blast, and he gave me a much-needed jolt of motivation to stop feeling sorry for myself and go for what I want again. I've been too cynical for too long. This is getting old.

 

And I've felt so strong and self-reliant through this. I feel like this was another lesson from the big, bad city, and it taught me a ton.

[Ruby Slippers]

I hope you don't actually believe this ^. You are still a young woman with many potentially great and loving adventures left before hitting the age where you'd have to call it a life alone. I'm very sorry you are scared right now and have to worry about this guy acting out some weirdness. Have faith--there are fine and good men in the world and you will be found if you keep asserting yourself. Sincerest best wishes.

Thanks, sweetheart.

 

Actually, there's a fellow volunteer I've got my eye on right now. He has been REALLY nice to me and maybe a bit flirty since I started volunteering a couple of weeks ago. I get the impression he might be trying to get a little closer personally. But he's in a weird position as the leader of our volunteer center, and probably has to be careful about flirting with other volunteers. Also, he seems awesome, but a bit shy. So I am trying to be friendly, sweet, talkative, and open to his flirting. We'll see where it goes. Any tips? Let me hear 'em!

[betterdeal]

Now that the worst is behind me, I can say that I don't regret getting involved with him. Even given the drama, we both had a blast, and he gave me a much-needed jolt of motivation to stop feeling sorry for myself and go for what I want again. I've been too cynical for too long. This is getting old.

Jolly good! It's amazing how some clear communication can put things in order. I have lots of friends I hardly speak to. If I see them, several months or even years down the line, we have a laugh and enjoy ourselves. That's probably the kind of friendship you're into with this chap, if I read things correctly.

 

Clear expression of your wishes may help with that too.

 

Good to hear you've shaken off the cobwebs.

[betterdeal]

Thanks, sweetheart.

 

Actually, there's a fellow volunteer I've got my eye on right now. He has been REALLY nice to me and maybe a bit flirty since I started volunteering a couple of weeks ago. I get the impression he might be trying to get a little closer personally. But he's in a weird position as the leader of our volunteer center, and probably has to be careful about flirting with other volunteers. Also, he seems awesome, but a bit shy. So I am trying to be friendly, sweet, talkative, and open to his flirting. We'll see where it goes. Any tips? Let me hear 'em!

 

Are you any good at innuendos? I was going to slip one in here, but thought better of it.

[carhill]

Thanks for the update; glad to read you found clarity; I'd trust your instincts on watching actions to match words.

 

What's your plan for implementing 'friendship' since apparently you've left that avenue open for the future?

 

Do you feel continuing interaction with him at some level will interfere with progressing the motivation you're feeling as a result of this process? Why or why not?

 

Glad it worked out and you're safe.

[Feelin Frisky]

...Any tips? Let me hear 'em!

No, being "friendly, sweet, talkative, and open to his flirting" ought to do it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Are you any good at innuendos? I was going to slip one in here, but thought better of it.

Good one! And that is a great idea. I KNOW this guy would pick up on that kind of thing, as he's eloquent and smart. The trick will be pulling it off without overdoing it and making a fool of myself.

 

I got a little dolled up for volunteering last week, inspired by his presence, and I'm pretty sure he noticed. We were sitting at a table together working with kids, and he kept talking to me more than to the kids. He even complimented my last name in a kind of over the top way. I already can't wait for volunteering this week. (And it's not just because of him -- the kids are so sweet, and we all have so much fun. But he gives it that extra oomph, for sure.)

 

What's your plan for implementing 'friendship' since apparently you've left that avenue open for the future?

I told him that for now, I want to meet up during the daytime in public only. I don't trust him or me if we're alone at home at night. No way! He's far too seductive, and my drive is much too high. And obviously, none of the romantic affection and conversation -- just having a good time, talking about our lives, giving advice and support, and so on.

 

I would love for him to continue helping me with occasional IT stuff (that's what he studied, and he's great at it), and I could either pay him for that or offer some other friend-appropriate service in exchange.

 

Do you feel continuing interaction with him at some level will interfere with progressing the motivation you're feeling as a result of this process? Why or why not?

Actually, one of the big things we talked about a lot is how much we've motivated each other. We had a strong attraction and a lot of passion, and man, that was like super octane gas in my tank. I was driven to sparkle and wow in any way I could. I wanted my house to be spotless and cozy, my body to be toned and a delight for him to touch, my outfits cute and enticing, and my aura magnetic and magical. When I knew he was coming over in a day or two, I was so productive getting things done so I could just relax and enjoy the time we were together. I got more done in the past 4 months or so than I got done in the last year, and he gets a big part of the credit for that. His presence totally reinvigorated me with an energy I haven't felt in at least 5 years.

 

Likewise, he told me that he felt very confident, masculine, in charge, and fun around me. He said I constantly inspired him to evolve, do things better, and show me his best. And he did, in many ways. He would come up with these great ideas for cool new things to do, and every time we went out, it was this grand adventure. People seemed drawn to us wherever we went. It just kept getting better.

 

My challenge is to keep this good energy going even without him as my lover. The tough part is that nothing spurs me into action like the affection and attention of a man I want to wow. I think I am just better with a man in my life. I have friends who seem to be the opposite, and at times I have wondered which is ultimately more conducive to a productive, happy life. After 3 years of being mostly single, I think I have my answer. I do better overall when I'm sharing some level of affection and support with a man who lights my fire.

 

He might not be the man who lights my fire directly, but I see nothing wrong with having a fiery man or two in my single life if we can provide mutual motivation to go for it.

 

Can we rekindle that fiery energy that we had before as lovers? Almost certainly not. Because we'd probably have to get in bed to do that. And I think he's proved quite well that he can't handle it. I was handling it fine. To me, it seemed to be really good for both of us. But maybe we can have a similar effect on each other as friends, albeit reduced. Or maybe there's too much chemistry and it won't work. I don't know yet.

 

I'm glad we had the time together we did. I'll never forget some of those moments, and I told him so.

 

Glad it worked out and you're safe.

Thank you! And thanks again for your good advice. It really helped.