Question for men with anger issues

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, crap. My FWB/lover revealed to me on the phone last night that he has a history of anger issues, including making threats toward women who broke things off with him (but, as I understand, never actually carrying them out). He said that when he's hurt, he usually gets very angry and has dark thoughts. He said he never fully acts on these thoughts, and he has matured and gotten his behavior more under control as he's gotten older. This news rattled me, but he kept emphasizing that he just wanted to be honest with me (complete honesty has been a major theme of our relationship, and it's been great).

 

I had already observed two small meltdowns when I pulled back contact some and put the brakes on things a little. In both cases, he became childish and slightly threatening. I wasn't worried that he would actually do anything, as he has never been physically forceful with me in any way, but the behavior was concerning.

 

There are other factors beyond this that convince me he's not a long-term prospect. But I've been 100% honest about that all along, and we seemed to have an understanding.

 

So, with this new information, I don't think it's a good idea to continue with him. I think the sooner I end the involvement, the better. So I plan to do it this weekend.

 

I think what I'm going to do is meet him in public, break it as gently as possible, and tell him I am open to being friends -- this is true. I should note that he has already said a few times that he hopes we can stay friends, even if things don't work out.

 

My question, for men with anger issues especially, is what is the best way to do this? I know that breakups always suck, but is there any effective way to soften it and head off any threatening behavior from him?

 

I would appreciate anyone's advice.

[azsinglegal]

End it, ASAP and be prepared for the fallout. Don't do the "blow off" cuz that makes them more angry (I've learned this the hard way). If I had it to do all over again, I would've ended it politely and kindly in a public place and have a friend close by in case he freaked out on me. Do it close to a police station too - better safe than sorry.

 

Since he's a FWB and not a boyfriend, this should be pretty easy for you to end and he shouldn't overreact. (Hopefully)

[mike111]

I would appreciate anyone's advice.

 

 

Trust your gut feeling on this one. You are probably correct!

 

And his temper tantrums sound infantile. Almost like a little boy spazzing out when he doesn't get his way.

 

Yeah, breaking it off in public, like at a restaurant, or shopping mall, might be best. That way he would be less inclined to go all kooky over it. But he may try to call you later and really give you what for.

 

As far as continuing to be friends with someone so prone to explosive outbursts, I would say no. If he is abusive to you now, and gets away with, he might be worse later.

 

mike

[azsinglegal]

Trust your gut feeling on this one. You are probably correct!

 

And his temper tantrums sound infantile. Almost like a little boy spazzing out when he doesn't get his way.

 

Yeah, breaking it off in public, like at a restaurant, or shopping mall, might be best. That way he would be less inclined to go all kooky over it. But he may try to call you later and really give you what for.

 

As far as continuing to be friends with someone so prone to explosive outbursts, I would say no. If he is abusive to you now, and gets away with, he might be worse later.

 

mike

 

Agreed. My last ex had major anger issues and I still have the holes in my cabinet and wall to prove it. Both of which he kept saying he'd fix but never did before he finally moved out.

[carhill]

IMO, do it in public and thank him for his honesty and forthrightness as part of the process. It's a potential which just didn't pan out. Perhaps someday he can say he's modified the behaviors which the dark thoughts impel to the point where discussing the potential is irrelevant. I hope that happens. Having dark thoughts/feelings as a man is a pretty primal part of who we are. Generally they stay in the realm of thoughts and are processed away relatively quickly. That his evolved into actual communicated threats portends work for him. Wish him well in that work.

 

Be honest, make a clean break, then NC. He'll be OK.

[Ruby Slippers]

Be honest, make a clean break, then NC. He'll be OK.

Thanks for the insight.

 

He told me last night that he only made an actual threat when his last ex broke up with him, told him she wanted to stay friends, then ignored him afterward, indicating that she didn't actually intend to be his friend.

 

And my experience with him has shown me that being ignored seems to trigger his anger the most.

 

What seems to get through to him and calm him down the best is honestly expressing what I'm thinking. When I'm rational, calm, and communicative, his emotions are still percolating, but part of him is listening and simmering down.

 

Given this, I'm not sure a hard NC break is the right approach.

[Ruby Slippers]

Tell him that's okay, you have a history of paying a bikers to mercilessly beat the everlovinsh*t out of anyone who threatens you

 

I already stood up to him and told him he can't intimidate me. That shut him up pretty quickly. I seriously doubt he's stupid enough to actually get physically aggressive with me.

[Imajerk17]

Do it in public. You can tell him that it is time for you to look for something long term and that as much fun as you had, you just can't do this anymore and it is time for both of you to move on.

 

Do NOT do the blow-off. Why do women do this thinking it's the "safest" thing to do? That approach would make about anyone quite angry because on top of the breakup, it is showing a huge amount of disrespect. (A mature person would contain and control his anger, but he would still be furious. Someone who really has those types of issues might be triggered to do something quite uncool.)

 

In fact, you will diffuse a lot of anger if you are respectful of his feelings, one such way is how I outlined above. (Isn't that what makes people angry--other showing no regard for our feelings?)

Edited October 11, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Ruby Slippers]

Do NOT do the blow-off. Why do women do this thinking it's the "safest" thing to do? That approach would make about anyone quite angry because on top of the breakup, it is showing a huge amount of disrespect.

I have never once done a "blow off". I also consider it rude and disrespectful of the person and the time you shared. When I end things with someone, I tell him exactly why. And when it makes sense, I give him plenty of advance warning and opportunity for us to improve things. I never just drop someone cold.

 

I already thanked him for being honest, and I will again. I think it's a sign of maturity and respect that he gave me all the facts, even the ugly ones, so I can make my own decision.

 

It's sad, because I really like him, we have great chemistry, and we get along very well. But we are at different stages in life and levels of maturity.

 

He can be an amazing guy if he invests a little time and energy into straightening out a few issues in his life. But it's up to him to make that happen.

[mike111]

 

I already stood up to him and told him he can't intimidate me. That shut him up pretty quickly. I seriously doubt he's stupid enough to actually get physically aggressive with me.

 

 

Hey, good for you!

 

So he backs down when you are assertive? Good to know. Be tough, yet polite. Let him know you ain't no pushover if he ever tries anything with you. Anyway, it reads like you have already done that and it worked. People who bully are usually the most frightened of them all, and run off when challenged.

 

mike

[Ruby Slippers]

Hey, good for you!

 

So he backs down when you are assertive? Good to know. Be tough, yet polite. Let him know you ain't no pushover if he ever tries anything with you. Anyway, it reads like you have already done that and it worked. People who bully are usually the most frightened of them all, and run off when challenged.

 

mike

I wouldn't say he backs down. This guy is very passionate across the board -- as well as masculine, strong, and assertive. In most areas, I love this about him. One of the things I've struggled with is that I'm strong, smart, and capable, and many men get intimidated by this. He has acknowledged that my strengths can be daunting, but then he says he loves the challenge of getting to that level with me. He told me last time we went out that he loves that he has to bring his "A game" every time, and sometimes even above and beyond his A game. And this shows more and more every time I see him. The cool thing is that the same thing is happening to me. He has lit a fire under me like no one has in years.

 

When we go out together, I feel together, sexy, confident, and outgoing. We went to this event last weekend and totally owned the place. We were the fun, magnetic alpha couple. The organizer grabbed us on the way out to tell us how great it was to meet us and said she will use her magic touch when drawing the raffle tickets, and try to get us free tickets to a performance. We had a freaking blast the whole night. We agreed that we haven't had that much fun in a long time.

 

We had our first heated discussion the next evening, the day before he told me about the anger issues. He was venting his frustration about something (one of the things standing in the way of us getting serious), and I was listening. As I got more fiery and assertive with my responses, the discussion came to this point of impassioned strength and clarity. I loved that even though he was talking about difficult emotions, he didn't back down and was totally forthright.

 

We ended the conversation last night with him asking me to make a decision about whether I'm in or out for something more. He's made it very clear that he wants more. And with circumstances what they are, I don't. So I just have to end it.

[Feelin Frisky]

Aye chihuahua, this is not exactly a ringing endorsement for honesty and truth telling. He owns up to a past shortfall and boom, he gets told to hit the road. What's a fella to do?

 

A question would be is he doing anything to seriously change--like therapy and medicine. With medicine people can sort things out about themselves and overcome past patterns. Just sayin'.

 

I do not have anger problems myself where I get hostile with a woman--just smaller temperament issues with hard knocks which I cope with by taking my daily SSRI. Testosterone is a bitch sometimes. Except for one relationship where she was violent with me and we had two incidents, I never let things get to that. Who wants to be angry? It's a waste of life.

[Ruby Slippers]

Aye chihuahua, this is not exactly a ringing endorsement for honesty and truth telling. He owns up to a past shortfall and boom, he gets told to hit the road. What's a fella to do?

I know, I know. I feel like breaking it off for this is akin to punishing him for being honest.

 

But I have to protect myself here. I'm a single woman with no good family to fall back on living by myself in the big city. I have to be a tough cookie or I won't survive.

 

Maybe I will PM you, if you don't mind. I just don't want to throw all the issues out in the open.

[carhill]

What seems to get through to him and calm him down the best is honestly expressing what I'm thinking. When I'm rational, calm, and communicative, his emotions are still percolating, but part of him is listening and simmering down.

 

Given this, I'm not sure a hard NC break is the right approach.

 

Being respectful and considerate of his style is one thing, and surely that is fodder for the in-public break-up; definitely do talk it out as you see fit. But, once that is done, IMO do not become his therapist, talking him through his feelings on the matter. He's a big boy, an alpha male. He can handle rejection like the mature and successful man he is.

 

This presumes you wish to end this relationship. My advice was predicated upon that decision being cast in stone. If other, disregard.

[Ruby Slippers]

But, once that is done, IMO do not become his therapist, talking him through his feelings on the matter. He's a big boy, an alpha male. He can handle rejection like the mature and successful man he is.

Thank you. That's exactly what I told him last night. When he told me about the dark thoughts and impulses, I said I didn't quite know how to respond. I said that I've never had thoughts or impulses like those, and I am not qualified to advise him on how to handle them. I said he would be best talking to a trained therapist about these episodes and working on them on his own. I said I don't want to be with a guy who seems dangerous and makes me feel scared of what he might do.

[azsinglegal]

Thank you. That's exactly what I told him last night. When he told me about the dark thoughts and impulses, I said I didn't quite know how to respond. I said that I've never had thoughts or impulses like those, and I am not qualified to advise him on how to handle them. I said he would be best talking to a trained therapist about these episodes and working on them on his own. I said I don't want to be with a guy who seems dangerous and makes me feel scared of what he might do.

 

My ex had anger issues that he said he was "working on."

 

By the time he left, I ended up with a hole in my cabinet (because I asked him to help around the house), a hole in my wall, he spanked my dog when I wasn't there so bad she limped (I found out later - he said they were playing but she was a puppy and grabbed a sammy out of his hand), he stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from people, used, manipulated, verbally abused me, etc. etc. all in a matter of 5 months. I had to get my gun out of my house because he was threatening to shoot himself every time I confronted him with something, even small things like helping me or paying a bill.

 

He was psycho. I was scared of him. The night he left was the best sleep I had in 5 months. NEVER AGAIN will I deal with someone with "anger issues".

 

I trust NO ONE that says they have an anger issue and is "working on it."

Edited October 11, 2011 by azsinglegal

[azsinglegal]

You are wise, but there is a difference between anger problems and being a deranged lunatic.

 

What you describe in your post sounds like a mentally ill person with anger issues, not a person with just anger issues.

 

He wasn't a lunatic, but just major anger issues. Basically he didn't want to be IN the relationship so he was lashing out at me instead of just leaving...he didn't have anywhere else to go so he was like a bear in a trap trying to knaw his arm off.

 

All his friends had told me he had major anger issues - he didn't just lash out at me, but at everyone. I can't believe he had any friends the way he talked to people.

[azsinglegal]

Threatening to kill yourself with a gun present in a house is not a case of someone with just anger issues, it's far more deep rooted than that. I lash out when provoked and attacked by someone, but there is no way I would threaten to kill myself or manipulate and con money out of people and I just cannot accept being pigeoned holed in the same category as that man.

 

I wasn't trying to do that. My apologies.

[johan]

Not sure I agree with the need to offer to remain friends. That's a cliche consolation prize that most people see right through. Are you sincerely interested in keeping this guy around as a buddy?

[snug.bunny]

There are other factors beyond this that convince me he's not a long-term prospect.

 

Oh silly. You've been saying this for months now. You say it's "just sex" but you give off the persona of it being a "relationship". A friend is platonic, so the term "friend" has no true significance in this set-up. The "friendship" has already been compromised and now it's "complicated" because of the sex.

 

Sorry if my wording was a bit harsh, but this is now bordering on creepy (i.e the "threats"). I think the "relationship" has run it's course...Time to step off the sex/pseudo-relationship train.

[O'Malley]

The "friendship" has already been compromised and now it's "complicated" because of the sex.

 

Sorry if my wording was a bit harsh, but this is now bordering on creepy (i.e the "threats"). I think the "relationship" has run it's course...Time to step off the sex/pseudo-relationship train.

 

I agree. I can understand anger over a breakup, or stupid comments made in the heat of the moment, but he's threatened more than one of his exes because he felt rejected?

 

I wouldn't open yourself up to becoming his therapeutic lifeline, or his verbal punching bag. Amicable breakup in public, it's best if you both move on from each other, don't get manipulated or pacified into staying in touch. You've stated that don't you don't believe that he would act out violently, yet you're considering offering friendship, due in some part so that he doesn't get angry over some perceived ignoring of him. As another poster said, he could rationalize your friendship offer as being some parting breakup cliche and still get hostile.

[Feelin Frisky]

I know, I know. I feel like breaking it off for this is akin to punishing him for being honest.

 

But I have to protect myself here. I'm a single woman with no good family to fall back on living by myself in the big city. I have to be a tough cookie or I won't survive.

 

Maybe I will PM you, if you don't mind. I just don't want to throw all the issues out in the open.

 

I'd be happy to help.

[Ruby Slippers]

Y'all are right. I know I have to end it. I also know he is going to try to convince me not to.

 

As for staying friends, I would like to. But I'm not sure if it's realistic because of the strong attraction and chemistry.

 

I do feel that "easing out" of the situation with at least a period of trying to be friends will go the furthest to protect me from any fallout. My wanting to handle this carefully is for both his and my benefit.

 

People do tend to look to me as an adviser or counselor, and this is lovers, friends, family, and business contacts. Almost everyone I know closely tells me I inspire them to be better, and reports ongoing progress to me that I had a big part in motivating. Three young women who are acquaintances from a while back have gotten in touch with me in the past few months asking for career advice, and I am more than happy to give them information and a big pep talk. I'm good at it, I enjoy it, and their gratitude is almost endless.

 

I have always had a wide "save the world" streak, and I think I am getting better at using that energy optimally. I'm figuring out that the key is to help lift people up, without letting myself get dragged down or distracted by their issues.

 

If this guy and I can continue to motivate each other in a positive way as friends, excellent. I'm not sure how realistic that is, though. I'm an idealist through and through.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd be happy to help.

Thanks, Frisky. I appreciate that. I'll PM you soon, once I can sit down and really think this through...

[Imajerk17]

Out of curiosity, how did you meet this guy? Just curious.

Edited October 12, 2011 by Imajerk17