ffw Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 No one wakes up and suddenly realizes they want "out" of a LTR -- it's usually a long time in the making, the thinking and the faking. Yes, faking that everything is okay and that nothing is wrong. This is why the dumpee is caught blind-sided, they are given no indication that they are about to be dumped. But to the issue of the number of years? The number of years is highly over-rated. And I mean HIGHLY. Why are you still together for 8 years with no plans for the future? Why did you (or anyone for that matter) keep putting the future on hold? This would not guarantee that someone will stay with you, but why do people stay in relationships that just drag on and on without ever discussing the future? It's a lot easier to leave a LTR, after thinking about it, then it might be to leave a shorter term relationship, believe it or not. People get very complacent, very lazy in a LTR. No one's gonna convince me that everyone on LS who was dumped was perfect and didn't get complacent, too. Relationships require effort and maintenance and that can wear off if the people get complacent and take one another for granted. As for the ability to "forget" -- yes, it happens. People who "check out" are done -- they stop caring. Sure, they have memories, but those memories don't cloud their vision. They planned to leave. They thought about it for a long time. They were no longer in love. The relationship stopped having meaning. They want OUT. So it's not really all that hard to believe they stop being sentimental under those circumstances, is it? Just because someone isn't wired like you, doesn't mean it's not a legitimate way to be wired, you know? That's why they're not the ones on LS, and the rest of us are. Well said Grace. Unforunately, the same thing in my case too. I was with her for 4 & 1/2 years. 2 years together & 2 & 1/2 years LDR. In LDR, we met only one time. But we always used have strong feelings & good communication. Also, the hope that we will be united again kept us together. But last couple of months, before break up, I somehow managed to get myself into the comfort zone & got completely blinded. I got wake up call when she broke up with me saying she fell in love with another guy. The problems started with me & ended with her. There was no communication or understanding to solve the problem. Still, I dont blame her or myself. Its just the circumstances that got hold of us.
californiasurf Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Hey Girl, Your story sounds similar to mine. I was with my ex for 7 yrs and we broke up back in March and in May he was already seeing someone. IT WAS 7 YRS!!!! I havn't seen his face since May 30th, when I hurt my foot and he came to the hospital to see me. I wonder if he thinks of me, misses me and if he still feels anything for me but I guess I would never know. We been in Limited Contact, I also texted him last week but theres no point HES WITH SOMEONE ELSE! I meant the world to this man and to think I was so easily replaceable just hurts me sooo much. In August we talked back and forth a few times because he called to tell me I miss you and want to see you soon but then I found out he was still dating the new chick and I just blew up on it asking him how dare he asks me to hang out while he was with someone else. My ex is honestly a great guy, not a player or none of that and hes 36 so he aint no boy but I sometimes I just catch myself wondering if he thinks of me anymore. 7 yrs to me is such a long time and we had our ups and downs and we werent perfect but we loved each other deeply. I'm literally going through the same exact thing... and I can't stand the feeling of being replaced
Author litterbug Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 You're very right, Gracie, that we are all wired differently. The trouble is you think you are wired in the same way as someone who you connect with and form a LTR with. It's a shock when you realise just how different you are when they dump you, move on and so quickly forget you. I have dumped exes in the past. Even when I decided I wanted out a while before I actually ended things I still had feelings for them and even now I still think of them sometimes. Despite all the years gone by I would be happy to see anyone I have dumped as none of them did anything in particular that was wrong, we just out grew each other. I wouldn't want to get back together with them or anything I just would be pleased to see them as I would most people from my past from whom I have drifted apart. My ex, it seems, is totally different.
TLCbear Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Just because mutual friends say he "appear" to not look back, doesn't mean it's so. They are not in his head, therefore, they have not a clue of what's going on in his mind. Outer appearances can be very decieving. I'm sure he thought about you and want you have had, but you got to remember, he is with someone else now, and that is what he chose...and that should be his main priority. I have been a dumper a couple of times and I think about my exes sometimes, thoughts of wondering how they are doing...but do I let them know this, no...I continue moving on with my life. My recent ex, I dumped him and think about him everyday, but he will not know it, lol.
D-Lish Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I thought my ex had forgotten about me and moved on when he dumped me six months ago. He contacted me a month or so ago, about a month after I sent him an email. He called out of the blue and was at my house within a couple hours. It was surreal. We spent a couple hours talking, then met for breakfast the next day and spent the entire day together talking, cuddling, and watching movies at his place (no sex). We discussed what reconciliation would look like and both agreed that we just weren't compatible. I haven't seen him since- but I got a lot of closure out of the meeting. Turns out he did still care, but admitted to being broken on many levels. I had thought he hated me, turns out I was wrong.
cptwinks Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 To the original posting - I don't think he has forgotten you, as a man I would say he's taking it slow, as he's probably shocked about what happened too, and may be embarrassed to see you, as he probably doesn't want to face reality of his actions. Plus when a person starts dating someone else that other person may get upset he started communicating with his ex of 8 years. I know I would be worried, so he's probably waiting for things to simmer down, and he would probably be more comfortable to talk to you if you were dating someone too, but that of course would mean you would have to move on, which is never easy
LoveNoob Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I actually wonder if my ex-GF who broke up with me 3 months ago, who still loves me and has romantic/sexual interest in me, and has started dating someone 2-3 weeks back, will miss me now that i started No Contact. At any rate, i feel replaced and horribly not-special. Which ironically was how she felt and why she broke up with me. She really wanted to be friends when we broke up so she wouldnt "lose me completely", almost desperate to keep me in some form or another. I hope this No Contact i started a few days ago will make her cry herself to sleep like i have the past months. But since she has someone else, likely she'll be seeing me as "Ex-BF #34" or something, that number sadly isnt too exaggerated, but i was the longest relationship and biggest love of her life...appearantly.
Glove_slap Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Kuite09 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I'm literally going through the same exact thing... and I can't stand the feeling of being replaced I know exactly how you feel its such a horrible feeling. I havnt seen him in months and I am dying to see him and if I call or text he always responds but I want it to come from him not from me. Do you believe in that saying "Absence makes the heart grow founder?" or is it more like "Absence lets you forget?"
carhill Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 My data point is 'absence gives one perspective'. Perspective to clarify and accept and process the positives and negatives of the relationship to a neutral state. Each of us is unique but I doubt anyone who has formed emotional memories which include another person 'erases' them from memory. The emotions can be 'erased' or processed but the memories most likely live on forever, hopefully in a healthy state of neutrality. My version is I look back on on the positive memories of my M and my exW happened to be the person whom I shared those positive memories with. It was good at the time. That's it.
Sugarkane Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 That's what makes me so mad: they detach slowly over time, but they never tell you this! And you're still in live thinking everything's ok. Then bam! You're single again and theyve completely forgotten you and are dating someone else 5 minutes later. Even if they have no feelings for us, I still don't think that's ok to dump people by text and be rude and hostile to the dumper because they've found someone new. 1
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