litterbug Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm sure that this question has been asked in many forms countless times before on forums such as this so I'm sorry to be repetitive. I was dumped in June. My boyfriend of eight years decided at the age of 30 that he didn't want to go out with me any more. He said he was re-evaluating his life as he had just turned 30 and wanted to do other things. These 'other things' involved going out with someone else two weeks later, someone who he met in a pub, had a one night stand with and started to date. They are still together so it's no rebound! I expect many might assume he had known her before we broke up but mutual friends only knew about her two weeks' after he dumped me. They have met them both and have said she has even joked about how they met and that she was surprised he ended up going out with her after she slept with him so quickly. Well, my ex and I were friends before we started dating. In total I've known him eleven years. We were GOOD friends before we dated, always hanging out together in our twenties. Then a couple of years later we realised we were attracted to each other and the rest is history. I am moving on, not yet moved on completely just in the process of. I will never forget him as he has been such a constant in my life for the majority of my adult life. What I fail to understand is how he can erase all memory of me so quickly and easily. I went NC soon after I found out he was seeing someone amd I have maintained that. I have just started thinking about him more. I wonder how someone could just forget times spent with an ex, eleven years just gone. Surely it's normal human behaviour to look back and remember good and bad times with someone who played a big part in your life in the past. The thing is according to mutual friends he has never appeared to do this. Is this normal? 1
immitable Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Sorry to hear that but welcome to the boards It may seem "crazy" but people want things they can't have. Once he realizes that you are not around anymore, that he really can't have you...than...is when it begins for the dumpers in general.... 1
Author litterbug Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 I definately agree that you want what you can't have. I was OK about us breaking up UNTIL he started seeing somone else and I realised his new relationship was more than a fling/rebound and then I wanted him back! However, as I've not been in contact for at least four months and have no intention of getting in contact with him again, he must have felt this by now. BUT I just think that some people move on and forget no matter how long someone has been in their lives, they are just able to do so more easily and quickly than most. Does this mean they are heartless, simply don't care or are hiding their feelings/memories? One mutual friend asked my ex in the summer if he had seen me at all and my ex, when, my name was mentioned (I'll be 'Pat' for this example,) actually said 'Which Pat?' (the only other person he knows called Pat is someone he works with but he hardly knows her!!) 1
mike588 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm sure that this question has been asked in many forms countless times before on forums such as this so I'm sorry to be repetitive. I was dumped in June. My boyfriend of eight years decided at the age of 30 that he didn't want to go out with me any more. He said he was re-evaluating his life as he had just turned 30 and wanted to do other things. These 'other things' involved going out with someone else two weeks later, someone who he met in a pub, had a one night stand with and started to date. They are still together so it's no rebound! I expect many might assume he had known her before we broke up but mutual friends only knew about her two weeks' after he dumped me. They have met them both and have said she has even joked about how they met and that she was surprised he ended up going out with her after she slept with him so quickly. Well, my ex and I were friends before we started dating. In total I've known him eleven years. We were GOOD friends before we dated, always hanging out together in our twenties. Then a couple of years later we realised we were attracted to each other and the rest is history. I am moving on, not yet moved on completely just in the process of. I will never forget him as he has been such a constant in my life for the majority of my adult life. What I fail to understand is how he can erase all memory of me so quickly and easily. I went NC soon after I found out he was seeing someone amd I have maintained that. I have just started thinking about him more. I wonder how someone could just forget times spent with an ex, eleven years just gone. Surely it's normal human behaviour to look back and remember good and bad times with someone who played a big part in your life in the past. The thing is according to mutual friends he has never appeared to do this. Is this normal? I know how you feel. My now ex. g/f and I were friends 18 yrs. ago then we reconnected 16 months ago and dated for a year before she dumped me for her ex. 2 months ago. Stay in N.C.,, keep moving on ,I know it's tough but that's probably why your thinking about him more. I'm positive he hasn't forgot or erased all memories of you regardless if you spent 8 months or 8 years together!! 1
GymRat Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I can relate to this, though the length of my relationship was a quarter of yours. But my ex met someone a week after our break-up, and she definitely didn't meet him before because she met him after our break up when she moved to a different town and decided she didn't want to do a long distance thing. She met him at a bar too, and she slept with him the same night they met. Now she thinks he's the love of her life, and she's told her friends that she could spend the rest of her life with her. So I do think this behaviour is normal for both guys and girls alike. And does he think about you? Of course he does, how can you forget such a long relationship? Just know that you're the barometer for this girl in their relationship. Undoubtedly, he compares everything you two used to do with the new girl and whether he finds the new girl better is based on these comparisons. But again, whether or not he thinks about you shouldn't matter when you're broken up. It's natural to think about how someone could move on from you so quickly, but when they get involved with someone else so quickly there is no time to move on, so no doubt you're still in their mind. But here's the advantage: while you're healing and moving on from the relationship, they've ignored these steps and if their new relationship doesn't work out, then they'll not only grieve that relationship, but their past (and significant) relationship. All the best! 1
immitable Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 One mutual friend asked my ex in the summer if he had seen me at all and my ex, when, my name was mentioned (I'll be 'Pat' for this example,) actually said 'Which Pat?' (the only other person he knows called Pat is someone he works with but he hardly knows her!!) I wouldn't worry much about what he said, he was being stupid, as a guy I can tell you I never forgot my exes, I stayed good friends with them after as well. He just thinks he deserves more in life and that he'd learned everything there was to learn about you (in his own stupid mind you know) and he thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. I wouldn't worry much about him, if you are strong enough to maintain the NC, in given time he'll be back begging for you to come back to him. You know it is never over till it's over... Best of luck maintaing NC 1
mimi0297 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I also agree with the "we want what we can't have" thing. It's only natural, but to answer your question, I can assure you that he hasn't erased you completely from his memory, BUT the memories of you guys' relationship don't mean to him what they mean to you, especially because he was the one who made the decision to end the relationship. It hurts me to think about the fact that this is exactly what happened with my ex, but it's the truth. When I've broken up with my exes, I still remember good and bad times,--even to the point of missing them--but since I've already moved on, it doesn't hurt me or affect me because the romantic feelings aren't there anymore. It's different when you care about someone. Think about an ex boyfriend of yours, for whom you have no romantic feelings. Think about the good times y'all had. I'm sure it doesn't hurt you or make you want him back, and that's because you don't have those feelings for him anymore. Whereas, if you think about this guy, you'll probably hurt because you're not over it. Hope you feel better :
Author litterbug Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Thank you all. I think back to exes long gone and I have no romantic feelings when I think of them at all but then I only knew them a year or two at most, not eleven years. I know my ex will never contact me as he's proud and I will never contact him in order to continue to move on so we will never contact each other again. Sad, really but that is the reality. 1
immitable Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Thank you all. I think back to exes long gone and I have no romantic feelings when I think of them at all but then I only knew them a year or two at most, not eleven years. I know my ex will never contact me as he's proud and I will never contact him in order to continue to move on so we will never contact each other again. Sad, really but that is the reality. I was in a 5 year relationship when she decided to bail, my previous relationships where I was the dumper lasted for about 1-2 years, just think that it isn't fair to string someone along for a long period of time. And I also think that everyone gets what deserves.
Author litterbug Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 I was in a 5 year relationship when she decided to bail, my previous relationships where I was the dumper lasted for about 1-2 years, just think that it isn't fair to string someone along for a long period of time. And I also think that everyone gets what deserves. Our relationship wasn't good in the final year and we used to shout at each other about the silliest of things. This bad final year coincided with us both getting new jobs so we were stressed and tired a lot of the time. We had discussed breaking up during that year but both knew things would calm down when we were settled in our new jobs. Things improved but by then the damage had been done so he dumped me. My ex does have a history of jumping from one girl to the next and I don't think he's ever been single in his adult life. When I met him he had a girlfriend and dumped her as soon as he found another. We got together one year after he dumped the second girl and I made him wait until he was really over her and until I decided he was ready for another relationship. Clearly his current girlfriend didn't seem to mind that he had just left a long term relationship...
Kuite09 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Hey Girl, Your story sounds similar to mine. I was with my ex for 7 yrs and we broke up back in March and in May he was already seeing someone. IT WAS 7 YRS!!!! I havn't seen his face since May 30th, when I hurt my foot and he came to the hospital to see me. I wonder if he thinks of me, misses me and if he still feels anything for me but I guess I would never know. We been in Limited Contact, I also texted him last week but theres no point HES WITH SOMEONE ELSE! I meant the world to this man and to think I was so easily replaceable just hurts me sooo much. In August we talked back and forth a few times because he called to tell me I miss you and want to see you soon but then I found out he was still dating the new chick and I just blew up on it asking him how dare he asks me to hang out while he was with someone else. My ex is honestly a great guy, not a player or none of that and hes 36 so he aint no boy but I sometimes I just catch myself wondering if he thinks of me anymore. 7 yrs to me is such a long time and we had our ups and downs and we werent perfect but we loved each other deeply.
Sugarkane Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Sounds pretty unhealthy how they start dating so Wine else, right after a serious relationship. That's a red flag. I made a post ages ago about why don't people say anything to the dumper, when they jump from relationship to relationship.
mike588 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) What? wine else? Why people don't say anything to the dumper .What? Edited October 12, 2011 by mike588
Sugarkane Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 What? wine else? Why people don't say anything to the dumper .What? Sorry I meant someone else
lalalandman Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 How are his friends going to know everything that goes on inside his head? I sure as hell don't let on half the crap I think about to everyone I know....
EgoJoe Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Ignoring the original post and all of the replies I'm going to answer the question in the topic: No.
rafael7676 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I'm going through the same thing. I was with my ex for 7 years, we were engaged. and we broke up twice. She got over me 2 weeks later, changed her phone number, blocked my emails and laughed at me when I begged her back. 2 weeks later!!! She found a new guy that's 6 years younger than her. I went to the hospital and she never called or visited to make sure I was allright, she didnt call on my birthday. all this after being together for 7 years!!!
Author litterbug Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 So it seems as if there are two types of people - two types of personalities that dumpers can fall into. Those who can just move on regardless of time spent with another, regardless of emotional investment put into their last relationship and those who retain memories, good and bad but do not let on to others that they do this. So small is the category who are honest about their feelings. So few ever reconnect with their ex in a purely platonic way and admit they still think of the past they had together. I guess they just don't see the point. I just don't get how someone could switch off their feelings. These are people who were in long term commited relationships that were emotionally open throughout. If no one did anything wrong then how can this type of person move onto someone new without without a shred of emotion or regret? Were they emtionally immature all along and just hid it well, hid their true self for so long? Or is it emotionally immature to hold feelings for those who don't reciprocate?
ffw Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 So it seems as if there are two types of people - two types of personalities that dumpers can fall into. Those who can just move on regardless of time spent with another, regardless of emotional investment put into their last relationship and those who retain memories, good and bad but do not let on to others that they do this. So small is the category who are honest about their feelings. So few ever reconnect with their ex in a purely platonic way and admit they still think of the past they had together. I guess they just don't see the point. I just don't get how someone could switch off their feelings. These are people who were in long term commited relationships that were emotionally open throughout. If no one did anything wrong then how can this type of person move onto someone new without without a shred of emotion or regret? Were they emtionally immature all along and just hid it well, hid their true self for so long? Or is it emotionally immature to hold feelings for those who don't reciprocate? I think there are many factors that one should consider. For instance, 1) what lead to the breakup? 2) Maybe they are with someone else? etc... I could write a whole post but you got my point.
mike588 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I think there are many factors that one should consider. For instance, 1) what lead to the breakup? 2) Maybe they are with someone else? etc... I could write a whole post but you got my point. Good point: My ex of almost 1 year dumped me for her ex. I would like to believe she had feelings for me and can't just "turn them off"
ffw Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Good point: My ex of almost 1 year dumped me for her ex. I would like to believe she had feelings for me and can't just "turn them off" I am sure she has. Maybe, its going to take a heart break for our cats to come back to us. PS: Not that I want her back.
norajane Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I just don't get how someone could switch off their feelings. Who says he switched them off? I doubt it. It's more likely that he was already detaching from you while still IN the relationship, and when he broke up with you, his feelings were already minimal. People do that ALL the time. Especially the people who get into new relationships right away. They wait to break up until they are fully ready to move on, and then they move on right away. Of course he isn't going to simply forget 11 years of friendship/relationship. But that doesn't mean he's thinking about you all day, or that his memories are anything other than fond and of the past.
Author litterbug Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Who says he switched them off? I doubt it. It's more likely that he was already detaching from you while still IN the relationship, and when he broke up with you, his feelings were already minimal. People do that ALL the time. Especially the people who get into new relationships right away. They wait to break up until they are fully ready to move on, and then they move on right away. Of course he isn't going to simply forget 11 years of friendship/relationship. But that doesn't mean he's thinking about you all day, or that his memories are anything other than fond and of the past. Yes I believe he did detatch himself before he broke up with me despite his tears when he 'did the deed' - just false tears to aleviate his guilt and to make me feel like it was a hard decision for him. According to out mutual friend however my ex has actually said that he has forgotten about me, what I looked liked or how my voice sounds. When he said this he laughed and also said he has always had a bad memory! So either he lied and wants to appear like he's moved on more than he has or he actually HAS forgotten these things. I never remember him having a particularly bad memory when we were together.
Anna84 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Who says he switched them off? I doubt it. It's more likely that he was already detaching from you while still IN the relationship, and when he broke up with you, his feelings were already minimal. People do that ALL the time. Especially the people who get into new relationships right away. They wait to break up until they are fully ready to move on, and then they move on right away. ..that seems to me to be the most likely reason, I was in the same situation. I'd been detaching from my ex for two years, also told him about my feelings not being the same. We both naively thought that things could get better over time, and that we maybe needed a break. I moved away for studying for 4 months, so that seemed like a good time to give each other space. However, 3 days after I left I fell head over heels in love with someone else, and then it finally hit me that things with my ex were never ever going to work out anymore. I've felt so horribly guilty about not having been able breaking up before, but I've learnt, and so has he, the hard way. And now I'm learning the hard way, because I've just been dumped by the guy I fell in love with..... anyway, I've never regretted breaking up with my ex, I just wish that I'd done it sooner, for the both of us. I hope you're able to move on soon in the knowledge that someone who's detached theirselves from you and for whatever reason waited for their right moment to quit, is not good enough for you and that you deserve much better.
Graceful Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 No one wakes up and suddenly realizes they want "out" of a LTR -- it's usually a long time in the making, the thinking and the faking. Yes, faking that everything is okay and that nothing is wrong. This is why the dumpee is caught blind-sided, they are given no indication that they are about to be dumped. But to the issue of the number of years? The number of years is highly over-rated. And I mean HIGHLY. Why are you still together for 8 years with no plans for the future? Why did you (or anyone for that matter) keep putting the future on hold? This would not guarantee that someone will stay with you, but why do people stay in relationships that just drag on and on without ever discussing the future? It's a lot easier to leave a LTR, after thinking about it, then it might be to leave a shorter term relationship, believe it or not. People get very complacent, very lazy in a LTR. No one's gonna convince me that everyone on LS who was dumped was perfect and didn't get complacent, too. Relationships require effort and maintenance and that can wear off if the people get complacent and take one another for granted. As for the ability to "forget" -- yes, it happens. People who "check out" are done -- they stop caring. Sure, they have memories, but those memories don't cloud their vision. They planned to leave. They thought about it for a long time. They were no longer in love. The relationship stopped having meaning. They want OUT. So it's not really all that hard to believe they stop being sentimental under those circumstances, is it? Just because someone isn't wired like you, doesn't mean it's not a legitimate way to be wired, you know? That's why they're not the ones on LS, and the rest of us are.
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