AudiHax Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I came back from visiting my SO about 4 weeks ago. It was a wonderful two weeks together. But when I returned home, it was time for us both to go back to college. While I can balance my college work and also have a lot of time to talk online, he told me that as much as he'd love to talk to me more, he can't find the time right now because of how stressed he is with college. He said he gets so much work to do and exams to study for. Right now he's attending a smaller college and is hoping to transfer to an Ivy League University next year, so he tells me that he needs to put a LOT of work in so that he can get the grades to transfer. While I understand his commitment to succeed, I also feel so hurt because it means we don't get to talk much. With the 5 hour time difference, I'm almost going to bed by the time he gets back from college. And he can't come online between classes because he studies and attends club meetings and stuff. He says he loves me, but keeps telling me that school is a huge priority in his life so that he can get out of his family home and make a life for himself and be more independent. I understand that, but I feel like I'm being pushed to the sidelines and not a big priority anymore... How do I deal with loving him so much but having hardly any time to communicate with him? Please don't tell me to get a hobby or something, because having hobbies is not my problem here...it's being in a relationship for so many years and not being able to talk as much as I'd like to...
Viking Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Wow, I was about to post something like this also. I think the best you will be able to do is just accept the drop in communication as a sign of stress and not view it as a drop in commitment or love. My GF is in Taiwan and there is a 15 hour difference, so I am online as she is getting done with classes/eating lunch/something like that. I work weekends, so I can pretty much count on Friday, Saturday and Sunday not being able to get a hold of her because she is studying. She stays in the library until 1AM sometimes. However, try not to find yourself justifying their actions. Some weeks will be better than others, so be understanding and flexible. It is hard to do that though, and I am having a difficult time right now as my GF has midterms to study for (3 classes, two exams in one week). I want to talk more than we do (skype once a week), chat 2-4 times a week on facebook. Try to discern whether or not the lack of communication is them detaching. I am struggling with that concept now, as there is 3.5 months til I get to see her in person. For you, I am sure it might be about the same if you see each other on breaks, but maybe longer depending on if you can afford the return trip. Good luck. It is tough.
wildgeese Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I agree with Viking that it is important to be understanding and flexible. He has said that school is a priority and you have to ask yourself if you're willing to be second to that. I think that it's very important to evaluate whether you're upset with the decrease in communication because you're generally concerned for your relationship or if it's due to your ego. Do you not feel fulfilled during the conversations that you do have? Do you need more communication because you do not trust that he loves you? If not, then that is a completely different story. It's a myth that all couples in LDRs need to have constant communication to feel connected. You need to just find the right balance for the both of you. Ask him about compromise or maybe more structured talking time. Let him know how you feel. If he's not willing to bend or if he continues to communicate infrequently, then you have to decide if that's okay with you and why it is/isn't.
Viking Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I agree with Viking that it is important to be understanding and flexible. He has said that school is a priority and you have to ask yourself if you're willing to be second to that. I think that it's very important to evaluate whether you're upset with the decrease in communication because you're generally concerned for your relationship or if it's due to your ego. Do you not feel fulfilled during the conversations that you do have? Do you need more communication because you do not trust that he loves you? If not, then that is a completely different story. It's a myth that all couples in LDRs need to have constant communication to feel connected. You need to just find the right balance for the both of you. Ask him about compromise or maybe more structured talking time. Let him know how you feel. If he's not willing to bend or if he continues to communicate infrequently, then you have to decide if that's okay with you and why it is/isn't. For me, it is my ego. I know what I know. It is hard to go from everyday and in person physical contact to being thousands of miles and hours away. Personal touch, speak and sight is a drug and I'm an addict crashing on their way down from a high of almost two years.
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