Sufferin_Succotash Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Well folks, as much as I would like to have never had to come back here seeking advice, I'm back for round two. Let me first say that I will try and be as objective as possible in sharing what i know of the facts, but I'm sure a little "subjectivism" will creep in. A brief history lesson... back in '09 my wife and I were having some issues. She was depressed and found no joy in life. She thought that I didn't love her, that i didn't take care of myself, and was a poor communicator. I can honestly say she was right about 2 of the 3. I had gained weight, wasn't exercising, basically i got complacent. Additionally, I was a poor communicator. I grew up in a family where we just didn't talk about our feeling much. This isn't an excuse; just merely a statement of fact. But, as far as not loving her, that was the farthest thing from the truth. To combat her depression, she was seeing a IC and got on meds. I was seeing an IC as well, but separately. For several months, she would go to counseling, but wouldn't ever really share much. I felt left in the dark, but i stood strong for her. I moved into another room of the house and let her have her space. As much as I wanted to know what was going on, i didn't press. Eventually, her IC recommended that she needed to be on her own for a while. I agreed because i wasn't happy with how things were progressing, so we separated. W said she needed to miss me. Needed something to rekindle that spark. She moved into an apartment with her daughter (from previous marriage). After 3 months of NC, we started meeting up at a local coffee shop to catch up. Another month later, she moved back in. Everything appeared that it was back on track. Fast forward to this past Friday. I went to check my email and found that she was still logged in. I noticed a msg from her mom with a funny title about an old skit i used to like. Thinking it was a joke, i opened it and read it. Needless to say i was shocked. All those old feelings of unhappiness and lack of interest in me were back. I had no clue. I should say that I did know she was having motivation issues, but we were doing things to help that and they were nothing like in the past. Gym membership, a new "just for fun" job, making sure she had her time with her friends, etc. Anyway, after reading this, I called her. BTW..She has been in another state baby sitting her nephew for the last two weeks. So i called, and asked her about it. Then came the release. She talked about some of the same things in the past that had bothered her about me were back. Not missing me, me gaining some weight, etc. But then i got hit with the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech follow up with an "I'm not attracted to you anymore" speech just for kicks. Basically, to sum up her entire revelation, she is bored with life and unhappy again. So here we are, I asked her what she wanted and of course she said she didn't know. I asked if she thought things could be fixed and again she didn't know. I asked something to the affect of why and she stated that she didn't think I would/could change. She then proceeds to tell me about how she misses her life from when she was younger and was able to party without worrying about who was worrying about her. It sounded like she wanted to be 18 again. No obligations. No responsibilities. Just fun. She talked about how I don't go out as much as I should. I sat and listened as best I could. I'm sure I'm missing points, but It was ALOT to take in. Anyway, this conversation lasted about an hour during which she had apparently been drinking. So instead of having a drunken conversation with her, we agreed to take it up again the following night. Unfortunately, with her watching her nephew and the plans I had already bought and paid for, we weren't able to talk on Saturday. Sunday morning came and I got up early and began to write her an email. I had 2 reasons for doing this. First was to ensure that I heard and understood everything she had said, and secondly, to share my feelings with her. Nothing harsh or rude. I was very careful about that, but she needed to know how i felt. I ended my note by saying that I wasn't going to make this easy on her. She would have to decide whether this was worth fighting for or if it is just time to end it. So that was Sunday morning. She had sent me a text that she got my note and that she would respond once the kiddo went to bed later that night. No response. As of today, still nothing. She claims she is too tired at the end of the day to give it the attention it deserves, but who really knows. Anyway, so here i am, AGAIN, wondering WTF to do. Do I cut ship and run? Do I stay and fight AGAIN? I'm at a loss. You should know that there are things that I am not happy with either in our relationship, but I don't think they are deal breakers. So again, I am not sure which way to turn. I have already started addressing her concerns. Had new gym membership the next day, physical today, i even went ahead and found a new MC/IC just in case. I don't have any specific questions for the group. I guess I am just looking for some advice or insight (and maybe to vent a little). Any and all opinions are welcome.
2sunny Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 advice and insight? ok.... she's cheating. her OM is most likely in the area she's now "visiting" - guaranteed. stop contacting her and work on getting yourself to a place in which you are happy all on your own. her complaints are HERS. she's blamshifting and gaslighting. yep - classic cheating... move forward. read up on doing the 180. when she realizes what she has caused - she may understand how she participated in the demise of your M.
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Sunny- First, thank you for your response. The thought of her cheating has certainly crossed my mind. I would have to admit it certainly isn't out of the realm of possibilities, but currently I have no proof. After my phone call with her, I did check our mobile records and didn't see anything unusual. No txts or calls from random numbers. Of course, I would hope that cheating isn't the case and that she has been honest in what she is saying to me. Tired of the routine, bored with life, etc. But then again, aren't those precursors to cheating? Grass is greener and all that? I try to believe the best in people. Maybe that's a fault, but I certainly don't like the idea of being pessimistic about people. As far as the 180 goes, I have not initiated any other communication with her beyond the initial phone call and follow up meeting. I plan on continuing that. Thankfully, when she returns, I will be leaving on business, so that will help.
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Venting.... As I stated in my original post, i put the ball in her court. I told her I wouldn't make this easy on her and that she had to make a decision. She has always been really bad at making decisions. Now I am regretting that decision. I feel like I have given her all the power. It's driving me nuts. I don't think I am so concerned about what she'll say, but it's the waiting that's killing me. I just want to know. One way or another. I am thinking that I need to step up and say if she isn't "In Love" with me and that partying and a no responsibility lifestyle is what she wants then she can have it. The only thing about this that really concerns me is the child involved. Although she is not my own, I have raised and treated her as such since she was just a baby. I don't want to put her through anymore BS then is absolutely necessary. She was caught in the middle the last time. I know she will be again, but I hate the thought of it.
LuckyCharms Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Don't give her too much power, like you said you've already realized. If she wants out, and you file papers, do remember the child. If you file, do you want visitation privileges? You will have to prove that you are a good and caring father figure. Prove that you and the child have a close emotional bond, and show proof of how and what you do to raise her. I am not sure what to advise you in terms of your relationship; I apologize. However, take care of yourself first and keep the child's best interests at heart.
AudentesFortuna Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Sufferin - I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I agree with 2sunny. I have only been here for 4 months, and I too didn't believe it but it's true. What your wife is telling you is exactly what my wife told me. "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I'm bored", "I want to see what's out there" and many more such variations. As far as the cell phone, I didn't find anything either because she had a secret pre-paid cell phone at work. It sucks but it might be true for you as well. Work on yourself, NC, 180, etc. All those things have worked wonderfully for me as well as IC. I filed for divorce last week even though she is the one that asked for it. Best advice I got here is that right now, you CAN'T compete with a fantasy. You will never win. Good luck!
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Best advice I got here is that right now, you CAN'T compete with a fantasy. You will never win.! Amen. The trails of life are no where near as exciting as "what could be". GIGS! I guess I need to figure out what I have to do. She comes home tomorrow. My initial thought is to sit her down and say put up or shut up. If this life is so terrible then leave. Since I leave town next week, I'll give her til then to pack her stuff and find another place. I know she'll whine and complain about not having any money for deposit, essentials, etc. Not sure how to handle that aspect. Hypothetically, let's say she does want to work it out. How do I handle that? Again, my initial thought is MC. Non-Negotiable. Any IC she has I want to be apart of. I will no longer be left in the dark to sit and wonder. Thoughts? As for visitation rights, not really necessary. The kiddo is old enough to make those decisions. Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.
AudentesFortuna Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Amen. The trails of life are no where near as exciting as "what could be". GIGS! I guess I need to figure out what I have to do. She comes home tomorrow. My initial thought is to sit her down and say put up or shut up. If this life is so terrible then leave. Since I leave town next week, I'll give her til then to pack her stuff and find another place. I know she'll whine and complain about not having any money for deposit, essentials, etc. Not sure how to handle that aspect. Hypothetically, let's say she does want to work it out. How do I handle that? Again, my initial thought is MC. Non-Negotiable. Any IC she has I want to be apart of. I will no longer be left in the dark to sit and wonder. Thoughts? As for visitation rights, not really necessary. The kiddo is old enough to make those decisions. Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. MC is great as long as the OM is completely out of the picture so I guess the first step is to make sure this OM exists and then make sure she completely cuts it off with him. After that, it's just a matter of commitment. Actions over words.
robf1971 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 MC is great as long as the OM is completely out of the picture so I guess the first step is to make sure this OM exists and then make sure she completely cuts it off with him. After that, it's just a matter of commitment. Actions over words. Yeah and don't ask her if she's seeing someone else because she will lie through her teeth. You need to dig deep, eg keylogger, cell bills etc. Once you have found out for sure, then you can confront her.
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Well she finally responded. Without going into details, it talks about her sense of self, general unhappiness and a few issues she had with me. Nothing about what she wanted to do moving forward. It was all historical. So I took the opportunity, to lay it down for her. Either she commit 100% to us, goto MC, no OM (if there is one) and fight. OR, move out. She is flying home today. I will have my answer by tonight which i will assume will be followed shortly thereafter by a post here. I feel very empowered right now. I am taking back control of my life. She can do with her as she wants, but she isn't screwing with me anymore. On a side note, I went and had a physical yesterday and since I smoke (not heavily) my DR wanted a chest x-ray. Got the results and one of the images was "hazy". What the heck does that mean? The nurse said it was just a bad imagine, but jeez. So now I have to go get a CT scan. Ugggg. Kinda scary, but this is exactly why i went. I need to know where my health stands.
jennicathomas Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 No matter how tired she is if she really wants to answer your question she will find a way to do it, all the issues she is throwing you are all about her if ever she decided to finish the marriage just let her go I;m sure you will find someone better that will value your love and will love you the way you want to be love.
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