Author bluenightowl Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Yes, I would. Within a few dates I'd have to know what their relationship goals were AND I'd know how long their longest relationship lasted. I think finding out if one's relationship goals mesh should be discussed ASAP. Maybe even first date. Yeah, that's your dating style and that's cool if that works for you. Its not mine. If I'm enjoying someone's company I don't need to know after the first date since I have almost nothing invested into them at that point. It could just turn into a friendship. For me, around 4/5 dates and hints (sometimes more) of sexual attraction, I'd like to at least know if they are dating someone else so as to know if I'm just an option or not and treat them as so from that point on or move on. Define 'gradual'... and define 'force the issue'. Gradual to me could mean having several dates and having lots of fun, nothing serious or sexual at first, just hanging out and enjoying each others company. I think that's very common. As mentioned after around 4/5 dates if I realize I'm getting attached, I'll want to know a bit more. Some people can go much much longer and some don't say a word and it works for them. 'force the issue' to me means, putting it all out there on date 1. I want kids, a house, you better not be dating anyone but me. To me a lot of people will get scared off, and probably think you're coming out of something that's making you clingy unless you meet someone just like you. I'm clarifying my goals so that noone's time is wasted. Has nothing to do with 'getting hurt'. Sure. I just don't think all first and second dates are a waste even if they want to date other people or don't believe in the same things as you do. I also just enjoy meeting new people. I've explained a few situations where I wanted more early on because things got too sexual too soon, but most of my dating life, I really enjoyed getting to know people. A few even became friends. If they can't communicate something as straightforward as their relationship goals up front, then I can't imagine them being able to handle anything more complex down the line... Not that complicated. No its not that complicated, you're right, but its also not necessarily about being able to communicate relationship goals. Its more of a choice than .. can you, do you have the guts to ask. Some people want to savour the experience, enjoy that romantic candle light dinner. It might just be a dream that doesn't come true, but that can still be beautiful and a wonderful memory even if it doesn't lead to anything more than that. Edited October 13, 2011 by bluenightowl
oaks Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 If you are dating someone (no sex) would you: 1) bring up - are you dating anyone else? 2) keep dating, keep having fun and see where it goes - as an aside does asking 1) in any way make one look anxious (keep in mind you are not asking for exclusivity, a committed relationship, you name it) Yes. (I mean both.) With option 1 you should be prepared for the question to be turned around on you... so make sure you know how to answer it. Asking if they are dating someone else shouldn't make you look anxious if you ask it naturally without, erm, looking anxious. It isn't an unusual question somewhere in the early stages of dating.
oaks Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 And, if I need to know whether a person is seeing others or not in order to be comfortable, then I am going to ask them. If the then think I'm "needy," well, then I guess they don't really like me. Because I would have just been speaking from my heart. I advise all people to NEVER tailor what they speak about in an effort to control what another person will think about you. Just be true to yourself. If the person dislikes that - better now than later. They don't like the real you. I second this.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Yes. (I mean both.) With option 1 you should be prepared for the question to be turned around on you... so make sure you know how to answer it. Asking if they are dating someone else shouldn't make you look anxious if you ask it naturally without, erm, looking anxious. It isn't an unusual question somewhere in the early stages of dating. I agree with you completely. Its often how you said it as much as what you say and not everyone is good at expressing those subtle differences. So then is that what you do Oaks?
oaks Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 There seems to be two camps on here. Those that get to know someone gradually and those that force the issue so as to not get hurt. You've almost discovered Oaks' Law of Internet Forums: For any discussion point for which N valid points of view exist, there shall be at least N+1 viewpoints expressed.
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