If you are dating someone would you:

[bluenightowl]

If you are dating someone (no sex) would you:

 

1) bring up - are you dating anyone else?

 

2) keep dating, keep having fun and see where it goes

 

- as an aside does asking 1) in any way make one look anxious (keep in mind you are not asking for exclusivity, a committed relationship, you name it)

[TheFamilyMan]

You could do both, just let it play out and see where it goes but casually ask if they're with someone. It's important to know cause you don't want to be a home wrecker!

[bluenightowl]

You could do both, just let it play out and see where it goes but casually ask if they're with someone. It's important to know cause you don't want to be a home wrecker!

 

given your title, I guess you have seen that happen.

[soserious1]

I'd set up a concealed video camera, I'd get all hot and heavy with the guy making sure to get real close shots clearly showing our arousal, then, I'd abruptly stop the action to ask the exclusivity question.

 

After the man lost his erection & left in disgust I'd offer to sell you the video to help make my house payment & quench your never ending obsession with this question.

[bluenightowl]

I'd set up a concealed video camera, I'd get all hot and heavy with the guy making sure to get real close shots clearly showing our arousal, then, I'd abruptly stop the action to ask the exclusivity question.

 

After the man lost his erection & left in disgust I'd offer to sell you the video to help make my house payment & quench your never ending obsession with this question.

 

Clearly with 1700 posts you've had something on your mind to learn from and ask of the community. Its too bad you feel your time is best used to post contributions like this while you post your own set of questions.

[azsinglegal]

Dating pretty much means just that...hanging out, talking, getting to know each other.

 

When sex enters the picture, it becomes much more complicated IMO.

[Mme. Chaucer]

@ soserious:

 

:laugh:

 

OP:

 

I think it would be more helpful for you if you would share your specific situation with us here, if you are sincerely looking for advice.

 

Hypothetical set-ups that are supposed to reflect situations where real people, chemistry, emotions are involved cannot usually be useful, unless you have a set of "rules" in place that you won't deviate from.

 

If you DO have such rules, then you already know the answers to the questions you pose here regularly, and should follow them.

 

Otherwise, you will need to look at the situation, your own comfort level and boundaries, and the OTHER INDIVIDUAL involved in order to make your decisions regarding the way your relationship is progressing.

 

One thing I can tell you with absolute assurance: your evidently constant issue about not knowing much about the person you are dating is YOUR issue. It's not something that other people can give you guidelines about, because many other people are learning about the person / people they date during the dating process, in a natural way.

 

Personally, if I were dating a person and was failing to get to know about their life, their values, and (for crying out loud!) whether they are even single or not - as well as whether they are on the same page as I am regarding key things like:

 

are we dating many people in order to have "fun"? are we both looking for an exclusive relationship, or not? If we are still open to other people while dating each other, does this include sexual contact with all involved, or not? ARE WE EXCLUSIVE or not?

 

Then there would be NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT DATING THIS PERSON WAS A TREMENDOUS WASTE OF MY TIME!

 

Being on the same page about things like those are CRUCIAL compatibility requirements! You NEED to know!

 

And you NEED to be able to know a person before getting more and more involved with them, even if the involvement is simply for sex. If you can't, then why on earth are you bothering to spend your time with this person? Obviously there is NOTHING BETWEEN YOU.

[carhill]

I would (and have) ask them their perspective on 'getting to know' someone and how they feel about relationships and marriage. Open-ended questions. Informative conversation usually ensues or its lack gives me the answers I need to make an informed decision.

 

Examples (not advice):

 

'I've found dating more than one person at a time to be pretty overwhelming. How has dating been for you?'

 

'I liked being married, even though my exW and I didn't work out long-term. How do you feel about marriage?'

 

'If you had to name one positive aspect of long term relationships, what would that be?'

[Mme. Chaucer]

Personally, I think the whole point of dating was to get to know the other person to see if we had potential to fit together.

 

If we were not getting to know each other at all, as seems to be the case with you in your dating adventures, OP, I would look for a person with whom I shared a better level of communication.

 

From your many, many posts about the same subject, I would advise you that you seem to have some communication issues of your own to work out for yourself before you will have good dating / relationship experiences.

 

Seems like you date a lot, and rarely come to a place with the people you date where you know much about them in important (to you) areas … yet end up in sexual situations with them.

[bluenightowl]

@ soserious:

 

:laugh:

 

OP:

 

I think it would be more helpful for you if you would share your specific situation with us here, if you are sincerely looking for advice.

 

Hypothetical set-ups that are supposed to reflect situations where real people, chemistry, emotions are involved cannot usually be useful, unless you have a set of "rules" in place that you won't deviate from.

 

If you DO have such rules, then you already know the answers to the questions you pose here regularly, and should follow them.

 

Otherwise, you will need to look at the situation, your own comfort level and boundaries, and the OTHER INDIVIDUAL involved in order to make your decisions regarding the way your relationship is progressing.

 

One thing I can tell you with absolute assurance: your evidently constant issue about not knowing much about the person you are dating is YOUR issue. It's not something that other people can give you guidelines about, because many other people are learning about the person / people they date during the dating process, in a natural way.

 

Personally, if I were dating a person and was failing to get to know about their life, their values, and (for crying out loud!) whether they are even single or not - as well as whether they are on the same page as I am regarding key things like:

 

are we dating many people in order to have "fun"? are we both looking for an exclusive relationship, or not? If we are still open to other people while dating each other, does this include sexual contact with all involved, or not? ARE WE EXCLUSIVE or not?

 

Then there would be NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT DATING THIS PERSON WAS A TREMENDOUS WASTE OF MY TIME!

 

Being on the same page about things like those are CRUCIAL compatibility requirements! You NEED to know!

 

And you NEED to be able to know a person before getting more and more involved with them, even if the involvement is simply for sex. If you can't, then why on earth are you bothering to spend your time with this person? Obviously there is NOTHING BETWEEN YOU.

 

Wow, so after a few dates or less you would get into such heavy conversations? I don't think so. That will definitely scare off a lot of people.

 

There seems to be two camps on here. Those that get to know someone gradually and those that force the issue so as to not get hurt.

[carhill]

'Scaring them off' is OK. This simply means that they were/are incompatible. We each have our own 'styles'. If their emotional and intimacy style/focus/behavior is markedly different, then it generally is an irreconcilable incompatibility.

 

For example, while I was separated, a lady I went on a date with asked me on our first date 'how do you feel about marriage'. I answered with essentially the verbiage I quoted upthread and the conversation went from there. She was a stranger with whom I had shared a couple online messages with on Yahoo personals (back before Match bought them). That's typical of *my* style. Is it yours or anyone elses? Unknown. Communication solves unknowns.

[bluenightowl]

'Scaring them off' is OK. This simply means that they were/are incompatible. We each have our own 'styles'. If their emotional and intimacy style/focus/behavior is markedly different, then it generally is an irreconcilable incompatibility.

 

For example, while I was separated, a lady I went on a date with asked me on our first date 'how do you feel about marriage'. I answered with essentially the verbiage I quoted upthread and the conversation went from there. She was a stranger with whom I had shared a couple online messages with on Yahoo personals (back before Match bought them). That's typical of *my* style. Is it yours or anyone elses? Unknown. Communication solves unknowns.

 

Somehow I think there is also this mystery dynamic too. That spending time together to reveal each other is also exciting and fun and part of the dating process and that hard questions don't need to be asked while enjoying each others company, at least after a few dates.

[soserious1]

Clearly with 1700 posts you've had something on your mind to learn from and ask of the community. Its too bad you feel your time is best used to post contributions like this while you post your own set of questions.

 

Please, you reword the same question over & over again, how close can a person get to the act of sex before stopping the action to demand that the woman proclaim that she will screw only you.

 

Seriously,can't you come up with a new question ? I'm beginning to feel like you're just asking because you use our answers to masturbate to or something.

Edited October 11, 2011 by soserious1

[bluenightowl]

Please, you reword the same question over & over again, how close can a person get to the act of sex before stopping the action to demand that the woman proclaim that she will screw only you.

 

huh? Please, that's not the question. Nothing to do with sex or stopping just before it. Others clearly understand it.

Can you make an effort to read the question before showing your off your smarts.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Wow, so after a few dates or less you would get into such heavy conversations? I don't think so. That will definitely scare off a lot of people.

 

Did you actually read my post?

 

I never mentioned "heavy conversations" even once.

 

Personally, I am one who tends towards "heavy conversations" with other people - I like to get deep, superficial stuff doesn't hold my attention for long. So, as Carhill said, if I scare somebody off with "heavy conversations," then it's for the best anyway - they wouldn't fit with me.

 

But that's beside the point! "Heavy conversations" are not required for learning about another person!

 

There seems to be two camps on here. Those that get to know someone gradually and those that force the issue so as to not get hurt.

 

What seems to be the problem with understanding this concept?:

 

If you are actually "dating" a person and getting into sexual situations with them, and you have no clue whether she is having a sexual relationship with another person, or whether she is interested in having an exclusive relationship with you, or even what YOU want with HER (which you NEVER include in your plethora of threads on this identical subject)

YOU ARE ALREADY IN A FAILED SITUATION. You have spent a lot of time with a person and FAILED to get to know key things about them.

 

Either you have social challenges that hinder your ability to get to know a person, or you are dating a person who is intentionally blocking you from getting to know her.

 

If the former, you should work on this on your own.

 

If the latter, she doesn't sound like a very good prospect - for anything. Even if you just want casual sex, you ought to know where the other person is coming from.

[bluenightowl]

Did you actually read my post?

I never mentioned "heavy conversations" even once.

 

I did read your post and that's my interpretation which I think you understand and agree with.

 

 

If you are actually "dating" a person and getting into sexual situations with them, and you have no clue whether she is having a sexual relationship with another person.

 

 

Did you read my post? "If you are dating someone (NO SEX)..."

 

Either you have social challenges that hinder your ability to get to know a person, or you are dating a person who is intentionally blocking you from getting to know her.

 

I doubt it. My question really boils down to taking time to get to know someone versus communicating early. Its almost actions versus words. Both are acceptable in my mind, I just wanted to hear opinions about how other have handled it.

 

Its interesting that sex keeps getting mentioned yet I explicitly said (no sex).

[Stung]

If you are dating someone (no sex) would you:

 

1) bring up - are you dating anyone else?

 

2) keep dating, keep having fun and see where it goes

 

- as an aside does asking 1) in any way make one look anxious (keep in mind you are not asking for exclusivity, a committed relationship, you name it)

 

I always asked someone I was dating if they were totally single or what their relationship status was--mostly to make sure I wasn't helping someone cheat on someone else. Occasionally someone would say they were dating other people casually, or in an open relationship but with a strong committed primary relationship, and a few people admitted they had an SO. Then I would decide what to do from there. I never even worried about whether it made me look anxious, I like my position to be clear and I want everyone to be operating openly and honestly. Looking back on it, I would actually think that would make me come across as pretty confident.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

Did you read my post? "If you are dating someone (NO SEX)..."

 

Yes, I did read it. I made the assumption that your either real or hypothetical situation from one of your other many, similar threads that was about interrupting a make-out session (not "real sex") to ask if someone was exclusive was the same one you're posting about here.

 

Or are you involved with multiple women with whom you go on multiple dates without being able to discover whether they're dating other people?

 

Let me ask: do you tell THEM whether or not you are dating other people?

 

 

 

I doubt it. My question really boils down to taking time to get to know someone versus communicating early. Its almost actions versus words. Both are acceptable in my mind, I just wanted to hear opinions about how other have handled it.

 

The entire point of my responses to you are based upon the fact that if you are getting to know someone, for real, you are going to get to know that they are or aren't dating other people along with all the other stuff you are learning.

 

That's just the way it is. I promise.

 

Its interesting that sex keeps getting mentioned yet I explicitly said (no sex).

 

Um … that's because of the other thread I mentioned.

 

Also, if you are not heading in a sexual direction, and you have never discussed (or casually mentioned, even) whether either of you is dating, or sexual, with another person - it sounds like you are more of acquaintances who happen to hang out on occasion as opposed to people who are dating, or who are actually friends.

 

Maybe you aren't really "dating" this woman (or these several women)?

[bluenightowl]

 

Also, if you are not heading in a sexual direction, and you have never discussed (or casually mentioned, even) whether either of you is dating, or sexual, with another person - it sounds like you are more of acquaintances who happen to hang out on occasion as opposed to people who are dating, or who are actually friends.

 

Maybe you aren't really "dating" this woman (or these several women)?

 

Heading in a sexual direction and having sex though are very different things. Personally I tend to ask if I don't already know within 4 dates. When I date someone in 'real life' you often don't need to ask because there is usually some level of respect and trust.

 

With online dating, that often doesn't exist prior to meeting them, and you can assume most online daters are dating other people and many will continue to do so until its discussed and they are forced to make a choice or else sex happens. Without asking in most cases you will know they are dating other people.

 

I think many online daters might be quite bothered if you ask them too soon (within 4 dates) if they are dating anyone else. Almost always they are or scanning for new dates and so forth. Its just too easy and they might feel pressure or think someone is desperate if you ask them too soon, and yet I suspect in many cases, what the other person is really asking for is respect and a means to build trust as a good foundation for a relationship.

 

The bigger issue, is what do you do once you find out or know this guy/gal you like after 4/5 dates continues dating other people. 4/5 dates is often not be enough time to know how much you really like someone, and yet knowing they are dating others can create unnecessary tensions because to me if shows some sort of lack of respect. It will affect both parties ability to trust one another and get to know one another. At some point you're got to give someone a chance, and not string along other people for the ride.

 

When people ask here on LS, when should I ask to be exclusive, or when did you know you liked him/her. That's often after a few months, sometimes longer, but in almost all of those cases, they both weren't dating anyone else. They took that time to learn and explore each other solely.

 

After 4/5 dates or so, if I know they are dating others, and things were getting sexual, I would simply thank them for spending some time together and decide to move on. I couldn't see investing any more time into them while they date and who knows what else with other people. Women/men with options often do this (and almost all online daters), and if they are very attractive, people tend to hang around. I've come to the conclusion that its better to simply stay true to what you want, rather than wait for them to come around and hope they will want to only date you.

Edited October 13, 2011 by bluenightowl

[Mme. Chaucer]

I online dated; I'm married to a man I met that way.

 

I would NEVER continue to date for 4 - 5 dates if I were not "really liking" the man. Life is way, way too short. I'd rather play Scrabble, read or watch movies on NetFlix by myself than spend time dating people I am not really digging.

 

And, if I need to know whether a person is seeing others or not in order to be comfortable, then I am going to ask them. If the then think I'm "needy," well, then I guess they don't really like me. Because I would have just been speaking from my heart.

 

I advise all people to NEVER tailor what they speak about in an effort to control what another person will think about you. Just be true to yourself. If the person dislikes that - better now than later. They don't like the real you.

 

Bluenightowl, you seem to be completely consumed with this question and variants of it. It seems to be the ONLY thing you care to discuss here on LS. If you are really dating someone, you owe it to yourself to discuss it with her. Otherwise, you are being untrue to yourself, and also withholding your real self from a person you are dating. Why would you do that.

[bluenightowl]

I online dated; I'm married to a man I met that way.

 

I would NEVER continue to date for 4 - 5 dates if I were not "really liking" the man. Life is way, way too short. I'd rather play Scrabble, read or watch movies on NetFlix by myself than spend time dating people I am not really digging.

 

And, if I need to know whether a person is seeing others or not in order to be comfortable, then I am going to ask them. If the then think I'm "needy," well, then I guess they don't really like me. Because I would have just been speaking from my heart.

 

I advise all people to NEVER tailor what they speak about in an effort to control what another person will think about you. Just be true to yourself. If the person dislikes that - better now than later. They don't like the real you.

 

Bluenightowl, you seem to be completely consumed with this question and variants of it. It seems to be the ONLY thing you care to discuss here on LS. If you are really dating someone, you owe it to yourself to discuss it with her. Otherwise, you are being untrue to yourself, and also withholding your real self from a person you are dating. Why would you do that.

 

I agree with all of the above. I've been asking such questions to bring some clarity and to somewhat check/test my own thoughts. I think hearing *lots* of different opinions has been very useful. At the end of the day we are all different, and I certainly agree with you, we must stay true to our own beliefs. I feel quite clear on these situations now

[ThsAmericanLife]

Wow, so after a few dates or less you would get into such heavy conversations? I don't think so. That will definitely scare off a lot of people.

 

Yes, I would. Within a few dates I'd have to know what their relationship goals were AND I'd know how long their longest relationship lasted. I think finding out if one's relationship goals mesh should be discussed ASAP. Maybe even first date.

 

If you were selling your house, would you agree to routine tours by people who weren't interested in buying a house anytime soon? Let alone yours?? Sure, you might have an 'open house' now and then... but I bet you aren't opening the door to looky-loos on a regular basis.

 

 

There seems to be two camps on here. Those that get to know someone gradually and those that force the issue so as to not get hurt.

 

Define 'gradual'... and define 'force the issue'.

 

I'm clarifying my goals so that noone's time is wasted. Has nothing to do with 'getting hurt'.

 

I like things simple and as drama free as possible. If they can't communicate something as straightforward as their relationship goals up front, then I can't imagine them being able to handle anything more complex down the line... Not that complicated.

[carhill]

TAL, personally, I found the 'direct' style, especially one focused more to LTR/M, to be more problematical when I was in my 20's and 30's. It might be generational (I was part of the free love and drugs generation) to some degree and perhaps also a function of age. I find the large majority of women in my peer group now (and to a lesser degree when I met my exW about 12 years ago) to be more responsive to the direct approach. Before, I let it bother me. Now I just see it as a style difference. No harm, no foul, next potential.

[ThsAmericanLife]

TAL, personally, I found the 'direct' style, especially one focused more to LTR/M, to be more problematical when I was in my 20's and 30's. It might be generational (I was part of the free love and drugs generation) to some degree and perhaps also a function of age. I find the large majority of women in my peer group now (and to a lesser degree when I met my exW about 12 years ago) to be more responsive to the direct approach. Before, I let it bother me. Now I just see it as a style difference. No harm, no foul, next potential.

 

Oh yea. Me too. About the 'no harm, no foul, next potential'.

 

I do think that as one gets older, they are more inclined to just put it out there. It's not like we have 'forever' to weasel someone's intentions out of them That, or perhaps our relationship experience has 'seasoned' us to the extent that a straightforward discussion of intentions is soooo EASY compared to the much more difficult things we've encountered... that it really is no biggie.

 

It might seem that I'm pretty hard on people here who have a different dating style than mine. That is just my lame attempt at explaining why I do the things I do and how I've come to my current style. Other people do the same in a much gentler way. Yes, I notice...

[carhill]

I do think that as one gets older, they are more inclined to just put it out there. It's not like we have 'forever' to weasel someone's intentions out of them

 

Point taken, and one which might not be a priority with those younger. Spend enough time in hospitals with friends and bury a few loved ones and mortality begins to rear its head of inevitability. I'm so happy that women seem to be more direct now. It's a refreshing change, for me anyway. The mystery of youth is perhaps better left there