How to stay friends

[cantforget]

Was dumped a week ago We agreed to stay friends and he called the first couple of days but I havent heard from him now for days. Its the longest we havent spoken in the whole time we have been seeing each other ( a year and a half) I dont know if he thinks that I should be making an effort too because after all friendship is not the responsibility of one party but because I was the one who was dumped I dont want him to think the only reason I am contacting him is me desperatly clinging to the relationship. I wont lie, I do still love him and would love to get back together but in saying that I have accepted that is not what he wants. Should I initiate contact as a friend and if so how? Or is it best to leave it for now, I dont want him to think I am not moving on cause I am really making big efforts to start a new life.

[UCFKevin]

How long were you together for? A week is way too soon to just be buddies, regardless.

 

Do you WANT to be friends with him? Because if you don't, tell him. You don't owe him anything at this point, you can say, "I can't be just friends with you, it'll hurt too much."

 

Personally, I think it's a selfish thing to want. "Look, I don't want you in my life like you used to be, but how about you be what *I* want you to be and that's how it'll be from now on?"

[uriel]

It's hard enough moving on without having a constant reminder of what you've lost around. I can't imagine anyone here telling you different.

 

You need to put distance between you until you are over him. That could take weeks, months, years, or never. Don't let /his/ need for a guilt-free break-up or lingering interest in a relationship and person he left get you to resume contact any sooner than you'd like.

 

Usually, whether we admit it to ourselves or not, we dumpees stay in an after-relationship friendship in the hope that the dumper will miss us enough to come back. We want them to know how great we're doing, to realize the connection is still there. That's just not being honest with ourselves or the other person if we're accepting a friendship on the surface.

 

He knows you probably have that motivation deep down -- they always do. He's going to think you want him back whether you initiate contact or agree to talk with him. That's part of the equation.

 

The only way you can really show him you're moving on is, well, to move on.

 

-- uriel

[cantforget]

We were together a year and a half. See this is thing, what is the protocol here, if this is soon, then what is the appropriate time to wait, and please dont anyone say that there is no appropriate time and to do what I feel is best cause if I knew what that was I would not be asking these questions.

I do want to be friends with him. I have to be honest, I am sort of harbouring hope that if he sees me moving on and leading this fabulous independant life that he will regret dumping me. I know that probably sounds bad because everyone is now thinking that I havent really moved on. Well I have, as much as a person can anyway. I have got on with my life. I am not sitting around crying and feeling sorry for myself, I am attempting to meet new people and establish a new realtionship, but I cant turn my heart and my feelings off.

Why say you want to be friends and then make no attempt to maintain a friendship? Maybe he has just been busy, I know we are only talking a few days here, but I mean not so much as a text message to see how I am, he knew I was very hurt and I thought if he truly cared he would want to make sure I was doing ok. Maybe he is afraid that I am not doing well and cant handle that at the moment.

I guess what I want is for him to know that I am doing well, and that I am moving on but I cant help but think that if I have to call him and make a big point of telling him that then I am going to look really silly. I wish he would call me so I could naturally introduce the changes I am making in my life into the conversation.

It makes me mad that he wont give me that oportunity to walk away from this with dignity. I hate that the last words he had from me was "I will never find anyone better then you" and all the rest of the crap we find spewing from our mouths when we are heart broken, I want him to know that I am not sitting in a crumpled heap bawling my eyes out.

[uriel]

Well, if all you and he really have is a friendship now, should you or he be counting how many days it's been since you talked? Or keeping track of who initiates?

 

If you're just friends, you wouldn't expect to talk more than once every week or two, depending on how busy you are. You'd just hang out, talk about who you're now seeing, etc.

 

Friendships are, on a day to day basis, light, loose, open-ended, generous. That's not what you're describing. You want him to show he cares about you, to be accountable still, like a boyfriend.

 

The longer you were together, the longer it's going to take for you to let go of the romantic connection. Friendship is not possible until then. It takes different lengths of time for different people. If you're a strong attacher, it's going to take you longer. After 1.5 years, I'd say a minimum of six months. Your being in a new relationship eventually might speed things up, but your new guy's not likely to be too thrilled with your having a friendship with this kind of ex.

 

Don't kid yourself -- you're not just friends right now. There are lots of reasons people ask for the friendship thing when they break up, not all of them genuine. Start asking why he didn't want to keep being something more. That will help you to answer the question of what he's after in any friendship. It's obviously not getting closer to you again.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm feeling that you're still sailing that river in Egypt.

 

-- uriel

[cantforget]

Yeah I get what you are saying but its easier said then done (truer words have never been spoken). Well I caved anyways and sent him a text. I said that I think space is a good thing but I missed talking to him, he has not yet replied. I would have thought he would at least text something back, maybe he does not miss talking to me so therefor he cannot really want to be my friend. I just want to know if the offer of friendship was genuine or was it just something he thought would shut me up for awhile. So I am sitting here wondering if he is trying to send me a message to go away or maybe something bad has happened and if I choose to be stubborn and not call and find out I would feel awful later.

But why should I not want him to show he cares about me. Is that not part of friendship as well. I cant accept that friendships are all shallow casual chit chat with no feeling or care for the others feelings. He said when we broke up that he still loved me but our relationship was too complicated and we had too much against us for it to work (both of us have ex husband/wife and I have a child), so then maybe this frienship thing is too painful for him this early too.

I just want to know where I stand cause if he does not want to be friends then thats fine with me, honestly, but I wont waste my time persuing the frienship if that is the case, but if the friendship fails it will be his decission not mine, and I dont want him to blame the failure on lack of effort on my behalf.

Not sure now weather to leave it at that or call him and ask why he is not contacting me, I know I sound a bit obsessive but I think I just need closure one way or the other. Either we are friends or we are not, no guessing games or it being left up in the air.

[chubachoop]

My advice to you is to send him a text message, a final one, for now, offering closure on the matter. Admit to him that although you are able to move on and get over the relationship, you are not ready to be friends yet. Tell him that maybe one day you will be ready to be his friend, but at present the break up is still fresh. It is just far too soon to be freidns I think because you will have different reasons connecting to why you want him to call, this is shown by the fact that you have counted how many days since his last text. I broke up with my boyfriend on Monday, he wanted us to be friends and I want that too but I know that it wont work out untill we are both over each other, so we agredd on no contact. When you can imagine chatting to him about new relationships, when you can imagine hanging out with him and not flirting or caring whether or not you look attractive, when you REALLY dont want to get back with him, when you wouldnt care if he told you he has fallen in love with someone else, when you would acce[t that the reason he hasnt called for a week is cause hes busy, without getting upset, thats when you should contact him again. That way i reckon you really will, if you both still want to, be able to maintain a friendship.

[cantforget]

Well things keep getting worse. I rang him and left a message saying I really want to be friends and did he want to catch up over the weekend. He texts me back to say that he does not think so cause he is going away. And that was it, short, simple and very too the point. How stupid would I be if I did not pick up on that hint. Why say he still cares about me when he clearly doesn't.

I said I was not going to beg him for his friendship and that maybe it would be easier to get on with my new life without him in it, as yet no reply. Guess I have no choice now but to accept that he wants nothing more to do with me. I just wish if he had not wanted to be friends he would have just said so in the first place instead of stringing me along on that issue as well. If it just too painful to be friends I wish he would just admit it that way I dont have to wonder if I am an awful person that I am not even worthy of friendship much less anything else.

[uriel]

Look, he might have been willing to talk every great once in awhile once you were both moving on with other people / your lives. Part of him will wonder what's going on with you, even though he didn't want to be together anymore -- natural human curiosity. But, put yourself in his shoes.

 

If you broke up with a guy that was a good person but not the one you saw yourself with longterm, if you wanted to move on and see other people, you might let him down easy by saying you'd like to stay friends. You'd mean a casual friendship, not a close, best friends thing. You wouldn't want to keep up very regular contact, because you wouldn't want to lead him on. You also wouldn't want the emotional closeness you had as a couple still going, because that's exactly what you were trying to get out of. You'd want to be freed up to pursue other feelings, people, commitments.

 

If this guy kept pursuing a closer friendship and more intimate contact, you'd begin to ignore him and brush him off, wouldn't you? You'd feel like he wasn't accepting that things were over.

 

It's not that you'd think he was an awful person, etc., or that you were lying about some occasional friendly contact. It's that you'd feel pressured by the other person's continuing interest. See what I mean?

 

The relationship as you knew it is already over. Accept it. Don't look for the friendship to be everything that was except without sex and exclusivity.

 

It's OVER. And, so too now is the friendship. I wouldn't blame him for keeping his distance from you for awhile, if not always. It's as clear to him as it is to you that you're obsessing. It should be clear back that he's not interested in being with you anymore, not in any close emotional way, friendship or otherwise. That sucks, but you can't force another person to respond in a relationship, even when their turning away is unfair and hurtful.

 

I'm sorry -- but you've already done the equivalent of beg for a scrap of affection. Gather up your dignity and start to heal. No contact is the only way.

 

-- uriel

[cantforget]

I have backed off completley and have not contacted him for 3 days, and I will stick to this. Its my birthday this weekend and I am wondering if he will call, I would be upset if he doesn't but maybe I have no right to expect him to, guess I will have to wait and see.

Maybe people cant be close friends after breaking up, I dont know, I would like to think you can, but maybe I am wrong. You said put yourself in his shoes, If I did not want to be friends I would not have suggested it, I would have said no it will be too hard.

I realise that persuing the issue is only pushing him further away which is why I have let it go. I am not obsessed, not in a psycho way at least. I have only called once in two weeks and have only messaged him a couple of times,which he has messaged back. I dont think I should be painted as the crazed ex girlfriend just yet. Obsessed is when you are told "i want nothing to do with you" yet you keep persuing the issue. But none the less I have agreed to back off and that is exactly what I am doing.

Talking every once in awhile may not be the sort of frienship I want. I do love him but I am prepared to be just friends, I feel like everyone is assuming just because I still love him means that by my trying to maintain a strong friendship means I am trying to get back together. If he wanted to get back together he would say so, he hasn't so I know he doesn't.

Just walking away and leaving all of this power in his hands does not feel dignified. If I back down I look like a looser walking away with my tail between my legs, if I persue the issue I am obsessed, its a no win situation. I feel like he has control over my feelings, our friendship and when and how it happens and I dont feel thats right. I feel like I am being told to let him call the shots and to just be good and accept it. Its so hard being the dumped cause you loose all control. Is there any way of truly getting back some of the power?

[uriel]

No -- no way to gain back power. It's the ability to satisfy or deny the desires of someone else that seems to give an individual power. You've got no hold over him. He doesn't want anything from you.

 

The only way to gain your dignity back is to walk away without pressing for anything more from him. That lets him know that you don't need him or want anything from him anymore. As long as you keep expressing that, he knows he has power over you. If you want to keep your own power, you need to shift to satisfying your own emotional needs.

 

No one is saying you're a psycho, btw. But it's clear that you're clinging to something that just isn't going to satisfy you in the end. I think this last message reveals why. Being dumped was a huge blow to your ego.

 

-- uriel

[Karlise13]

It's not really possible to be 'friends' if one person harbors romantic fantasies about the other.

 

What you're really doing is pretending to be his friend when in reality, you want the opportunity to prove that you're right for him.

 

Don't set yourself up for heartbreak, sweetie.

 

I'd just let this one go and REALLY move on. Perhaps down the line, you can actually become friends. If you have stronger feelings than friendship, you are game-playing.

 

The only time I was able to stay friends with someone I dated was when I really had no romantic interest in them. Guy friends are great! But not when you secretely lust for them. That's just painful.

 

That's not friendship. Friendship should feel good

[cantforget]

Maybe you are all right about us not being able to be friends whilst I am still in love with him. Karlise is probably right when she says that I want the chance to prove I am right for him, but that does not mean that would be the one and only soul reason for my wanting to be friends with him. I genuinely enjoy his company, we used to have alot of fun together and I miss that, not just the physical and emotional part of our relationship.

Point two here is I HAVE LET GO. I am no longer calling him or messaging him. I am getting on with my life. Just because I come here to blow off steam does not mean I have not let go.

And as for this being a huge blow to my ego, what is that about? You have got me pegged all wrong. I am not some egotistical, up myself idiot that is having a whinge because I have been rejected. Sure I am someone who is very used to having control over her life and her emotions so this is a strange place for me to be in. But I do have insecurities as much as the next person. I do not appreciate my heartbreak being trivialised down to a blow to my ego. All I am trying to do is hold a little hope for the future yet to walk away with dignity. I realise that sitting aroung wishing isnt going to change anything, therefor I HAVE LET IT GO. If people are frustrated with my messages please feel free not to reply. This is suppose to be an outlet to vent hurt feelings in an environment where people are going through the same thing, not to have insults thrown at you and to have your feelings trivialised.

[uriel]

I think you're misunderstanding my intent -- which was to help you to see something you were missing so that you can heal from this. You framed your reaction as a feeling of powerlessness. That's an ego-driven construct. What I mean is, you perceive yourself as having given over power or control to this man through your feelings for him. That's actually not a good way of looking at relationships.

 

You could reframe this to understand yourself as having shared a period of your life with him, willingly and gratefully, however badly that ended. You could think of yourself as not powerless at all, but as having decided that this mutual bond is now ended, freeing you to make other connections.

 

It's all how you look at it.

 

Your sense of being attacked by my earlier post is itself an ego-driven response. There's no need to feel judged in this environment. You are exposing intimate aspects of yourself and your relations to strangers. Sometimes they'll get it wrong, sometimes they'll get it right -- but they are ultimately just trying to help you figure things out -- and, in doing so, maybe gain some healing themselves. Each of us has been through similar pain here. You might think about that before lashing out.

 

-- uriel

[colleen26]

I am in the same boat however it has been a few days for you and a few months for me. Can you handle it if in a few months this friend per say has the same attitude call when he wants rather then what you expect?

 

I know it is hard but you sound as though you want to convince him you are movingon and really that looks weak and desperate for reaction.

 

I think the best thing I have read here is

 

The only way you can really show him you're moving on is, well, to move on.

 

I don't know how to quote that but damn it that is the best comment I have ever seen on this site, so short but real.

 

Fact is he will never be the friend you want because at this point your holding onto him wanting you back or something, he will only disapoint you and that will hurt you. Anything he says or does will not be what you want, face it he will not be able to please you because you have a broken heart with wanting friendship for altierer <? motive. I was the same way but trust me just move on and if you become friends let him happen naturally after the feelings are aside. If you try to be his friend and he starts seeing someone else what is that going to do to you? You need to move forward with out the chance of set backs...

 

Hope I helped.

 

remember this though I love it

 

The only way you can really show him you're moving on is, well, to move on.

[cantforget]

I'm sorry, maybe I am missing some deeper meaning here. But I happen to think that being dumped is a feeling of powerlessness, you have to agree to something you dont want. I wish I could think back on the memories and just be happy with that and what I have taken from our time together but I guess I am just not at that point yet, I believe that is something I will reach naturally and in time. I cant just decide to forget about it and to be happy cause if it were as simple as that I would have done it long ago. You may think I was lashing out and for that I am sorry but I felt like I was being personally attacked, maybe I got it wrong, it happens as you said.

Everyone keeps saying move on, well I thought I was. Tell me exactly what you mean by "moving on" cause I must be missing something. As for him seeing someone else, well that is going to hurt whether we are friends or not, but I will deal with it, I cant hate him for trying to find happiness, even if it isnt with me, I would never deny him that.