bluenightowl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Do you find there is a difference based on gender for people who multi-date? The stereotype I feel is men pursue women, so men don't worry if women are dating other men. Men try to win her over so she chooses him. Many men (not all) can also handle if she is having sex with him and/or other guys. Women OTOH are very concerned if men are dating other women and often bail when they find out he is dating someone else. True?
tigressA Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I think few people, regardless of gender, can handle multi-daters...but many will try to stick it out for as long as they can if they really like someone. That's my experience.
Andy_K Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 If a guy isn't that bothered that the girl he's dating is having sex with someone else, he's not that into her. Period. No guy wants to know that some other man is giving a girl he really likes a good seeing to. I agree that men more often aren't bothered by it. This is because men are more often chasing girls purely to get them into bed, rather than to pursue anything more meaningful. I would bet that if they're genuinely into someone, both genders equally would rather that person isn't seeing someone else.
zengirl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I think the problem is that men rarely multidate without trying to have sex or physical intimacy (not always true but usually) and that's why men often have an issue with multidating as well, because they think the girl is out there messing around with everyone, whereas most women I know who multidate just have a few really chaste dates for the most part. Now, I do know some women who try the FWB thing while dating guys they like (and not sleeping with those guys right away) but that rarely works out and is, IMO, a different phenomenon from true multi-dating, as the FWB is not a date in any way. I've not met many men who multidate the way I do (see a few guys in the beginning, before I even kiss anyone, but never have physical intimacy --- even minor level --- with multiple men). They tend to hone in and perhaps move more deliberately and faster, in part, because they want to get to the physical intimacy. It really all comes down to sex.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 I think the problem is that men rarely multidate without trying to have sex or physical intimacy (not always true but usually) and that's why men often have an issue with multidating as well, because they think the girl is out there messing around with everyone, whereas most women I know who multidate just have a few really chaste dates for the most part. Now, I do know some women who try the FWB thing while dating guys they like (and not sleeping with those guys right away) but that rarely works out and is, IMO, a different phenomenon from true multi-dating, as the FWB is not a date in any way. I've not met many men who multidate the way I do (see a few guys in the beginning, before I even kiss anyone, but never have physical intimacy --- even minor level --- with multiple men). They tend to hone in and perhaps move more deliberately and faster, in part, because they want to get to the physical intimacy. It really all comes down to sex. Perhaps, but I think we are seeing a real big change in young woman. They now pursue casual sex as well and often without regret. You might be right that the stereotype is men pursue sex. Who can really argue that and that many men can handle separating sex from a relationship, but more women seem to be able to pursue sex as well.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 If a guy isn't that bothered that the girl he's dating is having sex with someone else, he's not that into her. Period. No guy wants to know that some other man is giving a girl he really likes a good seeing to. I agree that men more often aren't bothered by it. This is because men are more often chasing girls purely to get them into bed, rather than to pursue anything more meaningful. I would bet that if they're genuinely into someone, both genders equally would rather that person isn't seeing someone else. This is an interesting post from someone who seems to be on the solid alpha male side. I thought the alpha male should never give in to such worry.
Andy_K Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I think it's one thing to be worried/paranoid about what may or may not be going on. It's another not to like something you know about. If you've only just started dating a girl and you don't know if she's seeing someone else, I think it's best not to ask unless she brings up the subject first. And if she is, you certainly don't go asking for any details. In that situation yes, you shouldn't lose any sleep over it. On the other hand if you've been seeing each other a bit longer, obviously both genuinely into each other, both looking for a relationship, slept together and whatnot, then she mentions that she's still sleeping with other guys? That's a bit different. If you're the prize, she should be dropping the other guys at that point or sooner...
Author bluenightowl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 On the other hand if you've been seeing each other a bit longer, obviously both genuinely into each other, both looking for a relationship, slept together and whatnot, then she mentions that she's still sleeping with other guys? That's a bit different. If you're the prize, she should be dropping the other guys at that point or sooner... so the logical conclusion is, if she isn't dropping the other guys at that point or sooner, you should be dropping her sorry a#$ That to me is what the alpha male should do, actually all guys. Listen up men if you think you are one. My experience has been that men that stand their ground will find women will often come back and drop the other guys if you state your boundaries. Women?
verhrzn Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 so the logical conclusion is, if she isn't dropping the other guys at that point or sooner, you should be dropping her sorry a#$ That to me is what the alpha male should do, actually all guys. Listen up men if you think you are one. My experience has been that men that stand their ground will find women will often come back and drop the other guys if you state your boundaries. Women? Until the guy asks to be exclusive (as in NEITHER one is sleeping or seeing other people), I don't believe he has the right to ask me to drop other guys. Now if he's NOT seeing/sleeping with other people, and wishes that I am the same before we have the "exclusive" talk, I might consider it, depending on how much potential we have as a couple. But if a guy is still seeing other women and "keeping his options open," and asks/insists/demands that I not do the same, I'd drop him and not look back.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Until the guy asks to be exclusive (as in NEITHER one is sleeping or seeing other people), I don't believe he has the right to ask me to drop other guys. Now if he's NOT seeing/sleeping with other people, and wishes that I am the same before we have the "exclusive" talk, I might consider it, depending on how much potential we have as a couple. But if a guy is still seeing other women and "keeping his options open," and asks/insists/demands that I not do the same, I'd drop him and not look back. So the answer is yes state your boundaries. Of course most (99%) of men stating their boundaries are men of quality looking for a good woman. Of course they only want to see her.
zengirl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Perhaps, but I think we are seeing a real big change in young woman. They now pursue casual sex as well and often without regret. You might be right that the stereotype is men pursue sex. Who can really argue that and that many men can handle separating sex from a relationship, but more women seem to be able to pursue sex as well. True, but I don't think women really do this through multi-dating in the process of finding an actual relationship, as a rule. I think it follows other patterns (the FWB I mentioned being one, or true casual sex, or any number of dynamics). I wasn't saying men pursue sex perse. I was saying that men who are looking for a relationship are still going to be moving towards sex, whereas women are taught that if they're looking for a relationship, they must (for a length of time) avoid sex. That is changing, but it still hasn't changed. It just means women are doing more compartmentalization of relationships and sex nowadays.
soserious1 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Actually I have always gone with the assumption that until a man tells me otherwise, that he is indeed seeing/bedding other women. Why would such a thing bother me if I'm just starting to get to know a person?
Sanman Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Having been a multi-dater, my feelings are that any serious multi-daters are not the greatest choices for a serious relationship regardless of gender. I don't care if I have competition initially. Of course, if I am on the first couple of dates, I believe anyone has the right to compete with me. However, beyond that you are turning yourself into a place holder. Dating someone for over a month non-exclusively makes you a place holder for something better if the person is a multi-dater. Multi-dating allows a person to hold back feelings and remain somewhat disengaged from the relationship. Nothing that is done is special because you are doing it with multiple people. Whether kissing or sex is involved makes no difference if you are doing it with everyone, it makes the act inherently less special in that person's mind. When I was doing it, I had a hard time getting into a relationship. When I stopped, I found a great relationship. The reason...it is easier to accept a another person's flaws when you are not comparing them directly to other people.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Having been a multi-dater, my feelings are that any serious multi-daters are not the greatest choices for a serious relationship regardless of gender. I don't care if I have competition initially. Of course, if I am on the first couple of dates, I believe anyone has the right to compete with me. However, beyond that you are turning yourself into a place holder. Dating someone for over a month non-exclusively makes you a place holder for something better if the person is a multi-dater. Multi-dating allows a person to hold back feelings and remain somewhat disengaged from the relationship. Nothing that is done is special because you are doing it with multiple people. Whether kissing or sex is involved makes no difference if you are doing it with everyone, it makes the act inherently less special in that person's mind. When I was doing it, I had a hard time getting into a relationship. When I stopped, I found a great relationship. The reason...it is easier to accept a another person's flaws when you are not comparing them directly to other people. I tend to agree with you. Would you force the issue if you knew this was happening to you or just slide them onto the back burner?
Sanman Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I tend to agree with you. Would you force the issue if you knew this was happening to you or just slide them onto the back burner? Depends on the situation and my needs/feelings at the time. I would likely break up with them. However, if the relationship wasn't costing me much and included regular access to sex (I'm human), I might let it backburner and begin to move on. After all, one backburner deserves another. However, I would end it if there was another person I would like to date more than twice.
phineas Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Do you find there is a difference based on gender for people who multi-date? The stereotype I feel is men pursue women, so men don't worry if women are dating other men. Men try to win her over so she chooses him. Many men (not all) can also handle if she is having sex with him and/or other guys. Women OTOH are very concerned if men are dating other women and often bail when they find out he is dating someone else. True? First off, every woman i've met in the last yr regardless of where i've met them has lied their asses off & tried their hardest to make it seem like they sit home alone all by themselves and if it wasn't for me asking them out their lives would be boring as hell. In reality, they got 3 or 4 guys their hanging out with/talking to or as a FWB. They don't want me talking to anyone else because they want to make sure I don't go anywhere while they explore their other options. (waste my time) to count, 4 were online dating & checking in regularly while telling me they weren't talking to anyone else. the look on their faces when I mention I saw them on a dating site & they they were checking in regularly. LOL! I ran into one while she was out with another guy. yeah, she got busted. So, from now on, until someone is actually sleeping with me I consider myself single. Those are my terms. The only difference is I tell them upfront my terms for being exclusive if they notice i'm not making them a priority. They don't like that? too bad. These are what I consider hot women & hot women ALWAYS have options.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 So, from now on, until someone is actually sleeping with me I consider myself single. Those are my terms. I think women are changing, and sleeping with a women may not change anything for her and her options if she is very attractive. You are likely just passing through. Given your experiences, perhaps only time, and really getting to know a person after several months can prove to you if she wants to really be with you, but I'd never use sex as an indicator of whether you are single or in a relationship.
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