Hardbody Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 without crushing someone. This has been on my mind for the last 5 years. We have been married for 22 years now but we just don't see eye to eye on many things anymore. I believe I have changed more then her and my desire to stay in my marriage is gone. This is the tuff part, we have 3 kids together 10 to 19 years old. I have never cheated but I must admit I have longed for a more passionate sex life. One that she just does not have in her. I have talked to her about this many times and nothing long term comes of it. It is simply not her. Maybe having kids contributed but our sex life has sucked for the last 15 years. I catch myself all the time longing for the touch of a woman, my eyes and mind are wanting love, passion again. I find I am no longer attracted to my wife for many reasons. Her behavior, attitude and yes, she as let herself go. I pride myself on keeping fit and have never been able to get her to exercise. My fear is she is the type of person that will make a divorce hell. We won't be able to stay friends which I find very sad. I do care about her but I no longer see her as my wife in any romantic way. It has just been knocked out of me over the years. Any advice, anyone been through this?
MilfinBerle Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Accuse her of cheating on you. When she denies it, keep interrogating her until she bursts into tears, and after being evasive and lying to you about it for three or four days, finally you break her will and she confesses to it (but probably she won't confess to everything she's done by a long shot). Then, tell her if she wants to stay married, she has to become your willing sex slave or you will tell everyone about how she cheated on you. You don't think she's cheated on you, either before or during the marriage? Guess again--there's a reason she denies sex and is otherwise horrid to you. She's got some deep dark secrets and she resents YOU for what SHE did.
18Years2Late Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Accuse her of cheating on you. When she denies it, keep interrogating her until she bursts into tears, and after being evasive and lying to you about it for three or four days, finally you break her will and she confesses to it (but probably she won't confess to everything she's done by a long shot). Then, tell her if she wants to stay married, she has to become your willing sex slave or you will tell everyone about how she cheated on you. You don't think she's cheated on you, either before or during the marriage? Guess again--there's a reason she denies sex and is otherwise horrid to you. She's got some deep dark secrets and she resents YOU for what SHE did. LMAO...welcome back...interesting name...they're always good ones... To the OP, I'm sorry. I'm going thru same thing. I want out. I want love. I want passion. I want intimacy. Don't know where to start to get out. Got 3 kids too. Wish I had more advice for you. When I find some I'll share ok? Good Luck.
KathyM Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 See a marriage counselor before you throw in the towel for good. It's worth a try. You've invested so many years with her, and you owe it to your kids to give it one last try before ending it. Counseling can do wonders for a marriage to get it back on track, even if it's been years since things were right between you. At one time you loved this woman. Maybe you still do in some way. Before making the permanent decision to tear your family apart, see a counselor and give it one last shot. You may be one of the lucky ones. I know a couple who have been married for many years--more than what you have been. Their marriage was bad for quite some time and they eventually separated. They decided to give their marriage another try and work on it through counseling, and they managed to restore the feelings they once had for each other. Anything is possible. Give counseling a try before walking away from your family.
Author Hardbody Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 I would be so shock if I found out she had an affair. Why, one of her old boyfriends did that to her before she meet me. She always was so strong on that subject stating how low of an act that cheating was and how she could never do that. She enjoys sex once into it but she never makes the first move in bed. Ok, maybe twice in the last 15 years. She almost never does any kind of touching or foreplay. She just wants intercourse and that's it. Very boriing over all. Her excuse is it is the Man's job to initiate. She is a negative person by nature which is even a bigger reason why I have lost the desire to be with her. I would seek help not for my sake but for the kids. I want more out of life. Love, passion, touching, warmth, happiness. Things I don't think she can give me anymore.
robf1971 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 without crushing someone. This has been on my mind for the last 5 years. We have been married for 22 years now but we just don't see eye to eye on many things anymore. I believe I have changed more then her and my desire to stay in my marriage is gone. This is the tuff part, we have 3 kids together 10 to 19 years old. I have never cheated but I must admit I have longed for a more passionate sex life. One that she just does not have in her. I have talked to her about this many times and nothing long term comes of it. It is simply not her. Maybe having kids contributed but our sex life has sucked for the last 15 years. I catch myself all the time longing for the touch of a woman, my eyes and mind are wanting love, passion again. I find I am no longer attracted to my wife for many reasons. Her behavior, attitude and yes, she as let herself go. I pride myself on keeping fit and have never been able to get her to exercise. My fear is she is the type of person that will make a divorce hell. We won't be able to stay friends which I find very sad. I do care about her but I no longer see her as my wife in any romantic way. It has just been knocked out of me over the years. Any advice, anyone been through this? If you are not a troll OP.. Tell your wife you want to cheat, just don't react too badly if she tells you she's been schtuping someone who's a far better lover than you all this time.
Frank13 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 The OP sounds like me. I stayed for years out of guilt and not wanting to crush her, which she says I did when I told her I want a divorce. What did it for me was when the unhappiness became so bad that it overshadowed the guilt. I looked forward as to what would make me happy and refused to think about how she felt. I did my time in hell and it was finally time for me to get out.
Isitover Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Have you tried telling her exactly how you feel? Have you told her that her not being affectionate and intimate bothers you and that you want that and think about finding it elsewhere? It is hard when there are so many wants, needs and desires and the other person just isn't giving you what you long for. You shouldn't spend the rest of your life missing out on someone that could provide that for you. My question is, even for myself, Do all relationships end up like this after so many years?
Sufferin_Succotash Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 To the OP, I don't really think there is any "nice" way to let someone know you no longer want to be with them. You can't let them down easy. If someone is emotionally invested in you, it's going to hurt them. Period. Nothing you say or do will stop that from happening. Although, I am no expert, it seems to me that a lot of people get into situations (i.e. unhappiness, infidelity, etc) because they are afraid of hurt the other person. By this I mean that I won't tell my partner that what they are doing or aren't doing really bothers me because I don't want to hurt their feelings. People continue down this road until it builds to a point where you are now. Please know that I am not trying to mean, but simply expressing how I see it. Her emotional response to what you do is HERS. She has to have them and you trying to sugar coat it won't do her any good. If you do love her, then you have to be honest with her, in respect of her feelings.
Desert70 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 If you've communicated your unhappiness to your wife and she's not willing to do anything to improve the relationship, I would say it's better to be honest and put an end to it. Marriage counseling would be an option if both are interested in staying together. About a year and a half ago my marriage of almost 23 years ended due to his cheating. Over the last few years he became distant and started to avoid intimacy. I, just like yourself felt the need for passion and love and decided to investigate the causes. After investigating for some time, I discovered that he was having an affair with another woman he'd known for about 7 years. I was devastated, but was able to get through the divorce. I suggest that you either try to work together to maintain your marriage, or end it, but don't have an affair. Affairs cause so much pain, not only to your partner, but your children. Try to find the solution that will least affect youe children. Good luck!
Author Hardbody Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 It's like I no longer want to fix the marriage because I know her behavior and how she is incapable of changing certain ways. My attraction to her has been beat out of me. I am not convinced that seeing a professional will change my heart at this point. Maybe I am wrong. I believe at some point I have to just tell her. It will be a mess...ugly. This is why I have delayed. All the input here has been great.
Desert70 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I'm really sorry you feel that way. I hate to see long marriages, just like yours and mine go to waste. I wish you the very best!
worlybear Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 "The other man's grass is always greener, the sun shines brighter on the other side....." Think very carefully and please tell her how you feel!!!
jennicathomas Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Have you tried counselling to make things work between you and your wife well some couples had fixed their broken marriage after going into marriage counselling who knows it might also work for you sometimes you think love is all gone but the truth is it is still there and it just needs to be lighted up again.
Desert70 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I completely agree with those who believe you need to be honest and tell her that you don't want to be with her anymore. Believe me, I know it's not easy but honesty is impprtant. I wish my husband would've told me that he didn't care for me anymore instead of cheating on me and destroying our family. Please be honest with her.
Author Hardbody Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 I agree to that I need to tell her. It is the fear of the rant that will follow. It will be bad. I need more guts. It is not just her reaction but her families. They really like me and it will be a shock to them too. I hate to let them all down.
Desert70 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I understand your fear, and yes, unfortunately a divorce affects many people. When my ex-husband and I started the divorce process both families were in shock. They couldn't believe that we would go through a divorce after almost 23 years of marriage. My family loves him and his family loves me; can you imagine? I can perfectly relate to what you're feeling, especially because after almost 2 years the war with my ex is still on. Think of what's best for you and your children. Keep in mind that if you're not happy, they can't be happy either. Best wishes!
joseph17 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Sounds to me that most of your problems are sexual and you are not getting the attention you want. I understand this and the only way to fix it is to talk to her. Get some marriage counseling or take some sex classes together. Try romancing her or go on a vacation just the two of you and see where you stand. Sometimes that can reignite some of the lost flame you once had. Don't give up just yet if you know for sure you are going to go through hell if you get a divorce. Like they say "It's cheaper to keep her". And is it that she is going through menopause? That could be a possibility for her actions. I'm just saying try everything possible before ending your marriage so at least you know you did everything you could for the kids sake and yours. If it doesn't work then getting ready for the battle of your life. GOOD LUCK
Frank13 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I'm really sorry you feel that way. I hate to see long marriages, just like yours and mine go to waste. I wish you the very best! For me the long marriage was a waste of 20 years.
Frank13 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Keep in mind that if you're not happy, they can't be happy either. Best wishes! Someone told me this before I told my wife I wanted a divorce. She didn't want me to leave, but she also admitted she wasn't happy so I belive this is true.
Author Hardbody Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 The thing is why does it have to be the battle of our lives. That part sucks and it is a huge reason I have not dropped the bomb yet. Do we have sexual issues. Sure, once every two months is not a good thing for any marriage. It takes some effort to get her into it but once started she does cum almost every time. It is just the same way all the time and she is not open to change there. For a long while this bothered me. Now I have withdrawn from the romantic thoughts so much that when we have sex it don't feel like making love. It feels like I am doing a stranger. Sad but true. She can't seem to tell though. I feel like I am in a trap. Thanks everyone. You guys are all super.
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