Jump to content

Long problem, but would really appreciate help. Please...


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I hope someone here can help me. I am a 30 year old guy who has just has his heart broken. I was quite the reble when I was younger. I dated all the wrong girls and was never really happy. Then by chance one night I met the perfect girl. Long story short she changed my whole life. I was a better person because just by being with her. All the old bad habits slipped away. She was my perfect girl.

 

The only thing that had some friends and family worried was she was a bit younger. Eight years younger to be exact. Well, after two and a half years of dating everything continued getting better each day that passed. Everyone thought she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I spent tons of time with her family and really felt like part of it. She was still in school when we started dating so I had to be patient about our potential future together. She had many school related trips that took her away for monthes at a time, but I was patient. I knew it would all be worth it in the end. After all, good things come to those who wait.

 

Lately we had been discussing potential engagement and I have even made the "big purchase." Now we are at present. This weekend she was graduating college. For some time leading up to this, she has been quite distant. I had been feeling neglected. I understood that she was under strain with the stress of graduation and all, so I tried my best to let it go. Unfortunalty this past Friday I felt really put out. It just seemed like friends and family were the center of her world at this very important time and I was last on the priority list. After leaving a dinner with her family I called her cell phone to tell her how I was feeling. We argued for quite some time because at first she had no idea where all this was comming from. Like I said, I was trying to keep my frustration from her.

 

After we both calmed down she understood where I was comming from. Unfortuantly, solving things on the phone never really feels finished until you spend time together. Well, we couldn't that night as it was the beginning of graduation weekend. The next night I had to meet her and her friends and family for dinner again and the same issues were still in my head. I felt like I was the one at the table who was getting the least amount of attention. I guess it may have been selfish to feel this way, but I did. Well after I left another phone conversation similar to the one from the night before took place. Not good as her parents were walking with her as we spoke. She got fed up with the conversation and hung up on me. I tried calling back and her mother takes the phone away from her and answers and is extremly rude to me. Now the parents and I always got along great, so I am in shock. Then she hangs up on me.

 

Well, now I'm frantic. I want to fix this. I turn the car around and go back up to straighten things out. When I arrive at the concert that they are going to watch (and I was previously invited to) I walk in and ask her to talk. She says the concert is about to start. I say ok how about after. She says fine, but then the mother goes totally crazy saying that no one wants me there and that I am not welcome at the graduation along with many other awful things. I tell her very calmly that I am just trying to fix what is wrong and that I will abide any wishes her daughter has. SHe won't let the daughter speak and orders me out. I ask my girlfriend what she wants me to do and she agrees with her mom. At this point the mother is really crazy because I haven't left and is threatening to call campus police. Now remember I am totally calm. I abide my girlfriends wishes(which I believe where just to calm her mother down) and leave. On the way out I see her dad comming in. I apologize to him for for the bad timing of the agruement. I ask him his advice as he is best at dealing with his wife. He says it's best that I walk away for now ans see what happens later. I agree and as I am about to walk out the mom sees me talking to the dad and comes out spewing this venom that I never knew she felt toward me.

 

I leave. I go home and am totally crazy with fear that my perfect relationship is over due to something so silly. Well at 11:30 PM my fears come true as I get served with a restraining order. I couldn't believe it. All I tried to do was calmly solve a problem and this. I didn't yell. I never even raised my voice. I just asked my girlfriend what she wanted me to do. Now this is all so crazy. Up until that moment our relationship seemed perfect. We argued about once every 3 monthes tops and it was always easily resloved. Admitedly I picked an awful time to have an arguement with an already stressed out girl, but it seems I am getting a life sentence for stealing a candy bar. Am I crazy or does the punishment no fit the crime? Yes I was wrong to start an arguement at an important time in her life, but it's not like there is a history of this. In 2 and 1/2 years prior, this has never happened before. And the restraining order? For showing up to fix things after I was hung up on. My god, doesn't that seem over the top to anyone?

 

So here I sit. I don't know if it was a knee jerk stress related reaction by her. I know it was coached by the frantic mother. Now I go from planning a wedding to sitting alone with my cat and a restraining order. I have no idea what to do. I can't eat sleep; all the usual broken hearted things, but I have no final answer from her. I can't call. What do I do? I know all I can do is wait, but I was hoping that writing here would get some objective opinions on my mess. Can someone please help? I'm dying here.

  • Author
Posted

I know this is a lot to read, but I could really use some advice here. Anyone???

Posted

Yep, you sure did pick a stupid time to have hurt feelings & sorry but you're not going to get any help from my reply.

 

You guess it may have been selfish to feel this way? No guesses about it - it was extremely selfish, arrogant and immature. More than likely once the graduation was over you two would have been back on an even keel. Instead of being patient & supportive you make an issue out of your hurt feelings not one, but two nights in a row! On top of that she doesn't even see it coming & you can't even wait another few nights to see how things calm down after all the festivities are over !!

 

Maybe her mother was over the top as you describe it but look at it from their perspective. You tried to turn this whole event into something about you when it should have been all about their daughter. You brought her daughter heart break & misery on what should have been one of the most important events in her life. Even in your post you go on to minimise this by saying "it seems I am getting a life sentence for stealing a candy bar". and you feel that your perfect relationship is over due to something so silly! Then you go on to say that you don't have a history of doing this so what is the big deal? What is she & her family to think? When something really important is happening in her life, something which involves her friends and family, people who have been with her a lot longer than you, what do you do? Instead of taking a back sit & riding it out you get petulant & act, not like a man, but like a spoilt little boy.

 

I felt like I was the one at the table who was getting the least amount of attention.

 

Exactly what sort of attention were you expecting? Did you sit her exams? Did you pay for her college? Were you there all the way through her high schooling? Why couldn't you just be happy for her and silently share her moment of glory?

 

What is there to say? You screwed up BIG time. It wasn't minor. It wasn't silly. And it wasn't a candy bar. If you can't or won't understand that then quite frankly she's better off without you.

Posted

Wow - bluechocolate was very blunt.

 

Although I agree with most of what bluechocolate said, I also think her family may have overreacted a bit - I mean a restraining order is extreme to me. I don't understand that. It's not as if they had to have ushers drag you out. Perhaps they are stressed out over everything going on?

 

You say you haven't done things like that before, but when there have been other arguments or anything, have you maybe been more of a nuisance than you think you were? I would love to be able to hear their side of the story - not because I want to make you out as the bad guy, but just to see what they're seeing that you're not.

 

Meanwhile, you cannot do anything. Unfortunatley, you have to just accept what's happening. Perhaps after things settle down she'll call you. By the way, does the restraining order have a time limit on it?

  • Author
Posted

The restraining order does expire today, but there is an option for her to go and renew it if she feels it is neccessary. I guess that will tell the tale if she does. Blue, I realize from the info I gave you may think the way you do, but this was a pattern with her. We had discussed this at length in the past. It just was exasserbated throught the stress of graduation. And in my defense, she has been my priority from day one. Put first over friends and family. Not that I negelected them, but I always wanted her to know that she was the most important person in my life and that she would be included in everything. Basically I never wanted her to feel the way I was feeling. I changed my life for her. I spoiled her rotten and would have been happy with 1/4 of that attention in return. Unfortunatly she had little dating experience and did not know how to return these things. I have made patient sacrifices over and over because she was worth it in my eye and unfortunatly the stress of graduation was transfered to me a bit. You have to remember that everything she went through I went through. I was right there for it all. WHen the computer crashed I was the one to call. When the grade came back lower it was me who consoled. I was there for every up and down much more so that the parents who spoke with her once a week and only heard the happy stories. She lived with me part of the time as well. This was much more serious than a casual college relationship. We were planning to be married in 06. The ring was purchased. I am not some pouty little boyfriend in the next state who throws insecurity tantrums over the phone. I was basically engaged with out her haveing the ring on her finger yet. Although, she was going to be wearing it as of this August. I think with all that being said, I deserve to be an EQUAL in important situations. Not better or above but equal and yet it seemed as though I was lost in the shuffle. As for past arguements everyone think the other is the bigger nuisance. The only thing I do wrong in those situations is now let it wait and settle it later. I hate letting things fester. The get worse for me if I do. Although for others they can think clearer after time. It's a tough line to walk. However, there were hardly any arguements to begin with. We got along wonderfully which makes this reaction so hard to fathom. How can someone give up on a two and a half year relationship that has gone along so great until this point over one thing. If it was silly or major it was still only one incident over the length of the relationship. Thanks for the comments thusfar.

Posted

Regardless of what you've said in your defense you should not have brought your hurt feelings into the picture when you did.

 

Not better or above but equal and yet it seemed as though I was lost in the shuffle.

 

So what if you were lost in the shuffle. You intend to spend the rest of your life with this woman & yet you still felt it necessary to raise this topic on those 2 particular evenings instead of just waiting it out for another day.

 

As I said earlier, her mother's reactions was over the top. If you two are to get back together you're going to have your work cut out for you in rebuilding trust with her parents. If her lack of attention to you is such an ongoing issue then I suggest the two of you attend some counselling before you get married.

  • Author
Posted

I'm certainly not debating your point of view and admit it was very selfish at that moment, but only because I believe you get what you give and she got 100% of me. I'm not perfect. I never pretended to be and of course hindsight is 20/20. She did go and renew the order so I am now thinking that there has to be more to this whole thing than this weekend. I now have to believe that she must have wanted out before and didn't know how to go about it and this made it easier. I just wish she had talked to me about any issues she may have had rather than allowing me to plan a wedding and spending $5400 on a ring that is non returnable. Maybe it would have worked out with better communication, maybe we would have had to face a truth about the relationship that I am not currently aware of. But I would have known her concerns in advance and address them and not planed so much for our future together. Now I'm sitting her wondering how one arguement could lead to all of this.... and figuring out that it had to have been much more than the one arguement. There must have been signs. I must have missed them. Now my insides feel like they are comming out and there is nothing to do to get her back. It is over. I'm in the now what stage.

Posted

I am not going to stomp all over you like some others did. I am sorry about your situation. You know, there is never a good time to start an argument is there? And I understand your situation a little. My boyfriend (or maybe my ex - we haven't quite made the final decision yet) and I got into an argument on his graduation day, well. We had no less that ten people in our house at all times that weekend, we had a meddling tag-along roommate that was talking crap about me to his friend's (which is what the fight was about) and everbody was drinking like crazy so ... they were stressful times for everyone. Unlike you, I didn't get a restraining order, but our argument was in front of friend's and family, as well, thereby making me look bad. Fortunately we resolved it, but it left a lasting impression on them.

 

The point is there is no good time to start an argument. Arguments happen when they happen - when emotions are running high. And EVERYBODY has arguments, in EVERY relationship and it is not fair for people to judge others because of arguments that occur and it is definitely not fair to get slapped with a restraining order over the whole deal, either. If people can't understand that arguments are a part of any relationship - as long as they are not constant, or abusive, then they don't understand relationships very well. And clearly, her mother over reacted! I, too, understand a meddling mother. Got one of those in my situation, myself!

 

Good luck!

Posted

Hang in there man take it one day at time If it doesn't work out it, wasn't meant to be.. This too shall pass. Hopefully you learned a lesson from all of this.

 

 

Good Luck and hang in there!!!!

  • Author
Posted

Thanks people. The amazing thing is the mother starts arguements with the dad all the time and can be quite mean about it. Anyway, it certainly seems to be over. She came for her things yesterday. That was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Packing up her stuff and watching her come up to the porch to get it. God was that hard. But hey, like everyone is telling me, if she is hurting as bad as you she will make an effort to fix this. If she isn't then it wasn't meant to be anyway. That's a tough pill to swallow. The worst part is how it happend so suddenly and I never got a explanation from her. I guess her actions speak volumes, but without actually hearing anything it's tough it get closure. Man this hurts like hell. But, like I said before, this can't just be about the one arguement. No one ends a 2+ year relationship over one arguement. The problem is I don't know what it really is about. If I knew it would help me deal. Now I just sit and wonder what the heck went wrong...

Posted

I guess I don't have to tell you that you were being selfish. However, I will say that my guy friends always tell me that it's very important to meet a girl's mother because it usually gives you a better idea of what you're getting into in the future. I don't know how often that proves true, but I'd be willing to bet it's not that far-fetched. In light of that, perhaps this was a blessing in disguise. Just a thought to lighten things up a bit.... :)

Posted

I wanted to say first of all. I am sorry someone put you through the pain your going through.

 

In reading your post::

 

My feelings towards this is the girlfriend has said something to someone about you or something that may or may have not happened in your relationship. That turn's people in to vampire's! They could just suck the blood right out of you and leave your body setting all limp.

 

You had every right to turn that car around and go back to try and "fix" your relationship with this girl.

 

With the mother being as upset.irate,mental or what ever you want to call her actions towards you, It makes me believe that the girlfriend has been not such a good girlfriend to you and has covered something with a tale about you to get people on "her-side" before its all out in the open.

 

If the Father told you just to walk away and didn't confront you with anything then I think the Father thinks the same thing as Fathers know best"MOST TIMES"

 

The restraining order is to make sure you cant get around to tell your side of the story.

WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK!

 

OH AND BY THE WAY!! IT WAS NOT SELFISH OF YOU TO TRY AND WORK THINGS OUT!!!!

  • Author
Posted

pitprincess, you are right on the money with your take on the order. I too think it was to keep me from being able to straighten things out. You know what though, it it was the parents idea and she was too weak to do anything about it then we would have other issues in the future. I also think you are right about her telling mom some stories to demonize me. If that is the case then she wanted out to begin with. Now if that is the case, then how could she talk with me daily about our future together and let me spend all that money on a ring and plan to wear it in August? Another option is that if the arguement did scare her enough to make her want the order without any influence from her parents then what does that say about her? I mean yes, I was heated and yelled and my choice of language was not the best. BUT, that in no way should make her in fear of physical abuse. Also, this would be understandable if I had a history with her of starting silly arguements and getting verbally abusive. However, it was quite the opposite. We argued about once every 4-6 months and this particular arguement was anything but silly. I also think the frustration of being second fiddle in this important time for her was increased a great deal by the fact that she hid our future plans from her family. Everyone on my side of the family knew we planned to marry. Many had seen her ring. NO ONE on her side knew anything. She always told me they wern't ready to hear it yet and that they would freak out. It's kind of hard to know that you are a secret when you are so happy about it that you want to shout it from the rooftops. I guess that should have been a sign. I analize it over and over and with no explanation from her it's all speculation. That is the hardest part. The not knowing why. I have a million guesses and have been offered as many theories, but I don't know the truth. That is what makes it so hard to get the healing process started.

×
×
  • Create New...