blondiegirl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 This has become a real problem in my relationship and at this point I'm willing to try almost anything to fix it. Unfortunately, most of the literature out there on problems like this, and how to fix them, are for people much older than myself. Time for some background I suppose... I am just about to turn 22, and with the lack of any major medical condition all my plumbing is still in working condition. So no menopause or major hormonal shifts here that could explain things easily. I've been in a long-term relationship now for five years. He is wonderful, and I love him more than I ever have. Sure, we bicker now and then as most couples do, but it is nothing major. I.E. Both of us have had a long day and are grumpy in general so we bicker over something stupid like the route he takes when driving somewhere, I insist the problem is something about him not listening - sometimes it is sometimes it isn't - we sit quietly for a few and make up. But overall, he's considerate of my feelings, we each have our space and our together time. He does sweet things for no reason and is thoughtful of my feelings, most of the time at least. He's my best friend, and I couldn't love him more. There's really only one main problem in the relationship: the sex. I don't think his wants are really unreasonable. I know what he's looking for is some kind of sexual activity about every other night. And intercourse 2-3 times a week or so. So, he's not really a sexual beast demanding it at every turn. I felt my interest declining in late 2009, but it kind of limped along until about the last year. Then it became a problem. I basically lost all interest in sex. Love and relationships, for me, are a mental thing, and I'm fine having sex about once a month (about when I do have a bit of interest in it). The problem is, for my boyfriend, sex is an integral part of the relationship and it's starting to hurt us. I've tried "just doing it" but when I think about it I just cringe. And it's not just with him, he keeps himself in shape and is a good looking man. Even other men I think are sexy if I thought about having sex with them (not that I'd cheat) I feel the same way. So it's not about being tired with him, it's being tired with sex in general. It seems an exhausting display that doesn't do anything for me. I don't want to loose him, and I want to have sex because I want to, not because I'm just doing it. Though at this point, I'm desperate, I'll do whatever it takes because I can't imagine anything worse than loosing him. Any suggestions are welcome, if you need additional information just ask, I clearly have no issue being transparent.
Author blondiegirl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) But isn't that, just a touch, male-centric? So basically, it doesn't matter one lick if I, or any other woman, enjoys it at all? Glad to know we are just pleasure-monkeys in your mind. Not to mention, I'd rather not build my relationship on lies. Particularly the important parts. Good or bad. Edited October 11, 2011 by blondiegirl
Andy_K Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Do you orgasm regularly with your partner? Do you use toys? Is it that you're not getting any pleasure from the experience, or that you do, but you just don't care to bother with it?
Author blondiegirl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Do you orgasm regularly with your partner? Do you use toys? Is it that you're not getting any pleasure from the experience, or that you do, but you just don't care to bother with it? I had a few orgasms at the start of the relationship, but not for at least two or so years. I get a small amount of pleasure out of it, but I suppose the pleasure I do get isn't worth the hassle.
Andy_K Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I had a few orgasms at the start of the relationship, but not for at least two or so years. I get a small amount of pleasure out of it, but I suppose the pleasure I do get isn't worth the hassle. You probably should fix that to start with then. It might be enough to boost your libido a bit. You need to spend more time with him doing whatever it is that will get you off, whether that's him using his fingers, tongue, toys on you, or whatever else. If you don't know what will get you off, you need to do a whole lot more exploring of your own body. If you know what will do it but he refuses to do anything you want him to, you've really got big problems.
Pasttense Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Try erotic movies. Do they make you sexually aroused?
WhiteChocolate Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 The bottom line is that women lose interest after a couple of years and they can't control it. I sincerely hope this doesn't happen to me. Sex is good.
norajane Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 So it's not about being tired with him, it's being tired with sex in general. It seems an exhausting display that doesn't do anything for me. I had a few orgasms at the start of the relationship, but not for at least two or so years. I get a small amount of pleasure out of it, but I suppose the pleasure I do get isn't worth the hassle. Well, that is the problem. Why would anyone want to have sex if they aren't getting anything out of it and haven't for years and years? Though at this point, I'm desperate, I'll do whatever it takes because I can't imagine anything worse than loosing him. Start communicating with your bf. Tell him that sex is not working for you these days - he obviously knows something's up since you aren't having much sex - and that you want to do some exploring and learning with him to make sex better for you, which will also make sex better for him. Start doing some reading and research. Explore your body, alone and with your bf. Find out what turns you on mentally, and use those fantasies to make yourself orgasm. Masturbate and fantasize and make yourself come. Then teach your bf how you like it so he can do it. Show him how to make you orgasm. You are young and have lots and lots to learn about yourself, your turn ons, sex, and what you find erotic. Have fun!
Quiet Storm Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I will copy and paste part of of a response I just made in the marriage forum about his topic Most women want to feel affection and love from our partners. What some women don't understand is that sex is a very important way for men to express their love for us. By not making sex a priority, women will block the most important avenue that men use to connect. When men don't have that outlet, they get depressed and are less likely to be affectionate to us in other ways. They become resentful. When sexually content, men will carry in all the groceries with a smile on their face. They will want to do nice things for us. When deprived, men will seethe and lose the desire to please their wives in other ways. So even if we don't desire or crave sex, it benefits women to have it because happy husbands are much easier to live with, IMO. Basically, you need to make it a priority or your relationship will deteriorate. Teach him how to make you orgasm so that it will be more enjoyable for you. Don't make the mistake of thinking that meeting all his other needs (besides sex) is sufficient. It's not. Sex is usually the main reason that men have long term relationships. Men like the companionship of a relationship, but for most men, sex is really the glue that bonds you together.
WhiteChocolate Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 There always exceptions. I believe they're called sluts Well isn't that incredibly unfortunate that women who aspire to maintain some sex drive are seen as sluts. I shall now keep this in mind and whenever a relationship begins to pick up, I will withdraw physically and deny him sex because it is slutty to admit I enjoy orgasms.
Dusk1983 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Sex is usually the main reason that men have long term relationships. Men like the companionship of a relationship, but for most men, sex is really the glue that bonds you together. I am glad you said 'most men', because I'm in a loving relationship and i would say that while sex is important, its far from the 'glue that binds us together'. Its fun. Sex is fun. Not some magical relationship 'glue' or desperate physical requirement that I cannot live without, like its made out to be on here. If I don't have it, I don't suffer, because I'm sophisticated enough to fulfil, and be fulfilled, emotionally and physically, without sticking my genitals inside someone. I might be an animal at root, but I tend to conduct my life using my higher brain. I'm cerebral. Call it evolution. This means that having sex is a very fun bonus, in the way that eating out at nice restaurants is, or receiving a nice massage. You make it sound like depriving men of sex is analagous to depriving dumb animals of food, which is a really base depiction that I see alot, and one I really despise.
Ajax Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Okay I'm going to break form here and disagree with the majority of posters here. To expect the OP to just put up and put out is disrespectful to both her and her boyfriend, and will not improve their sex life at all. Yes, sex should be an integral part of any healthy long term relationship. But that doesn't mean that she's simply being lazy or selfish is she doesn't desire or enjoy it. There has to be a root cause for this. blondiegirl, I'm not a doctor or a psychologist, so I can't dispense any medical advice, but it may be beneficial for you to see one. You mention that you don't have any underlying hormonal or medical issues to explain your lack of sex drive, but how do you know? Have you talked with a professional about it? There could also be some psychological issues that you're unaware of that are preventing you from enjoying it. Perhaps meeting with a therapist or counselor would also help. I don't know, but it might be worth looking into.
Quiet Storm Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I am glad you said 'most men', because I'm in a loving relationship and i would say that while sex is important, its far from the 'glue that binds us together'. Its fun. Sex is fun. Not some magical relationship 'glue' or desperate physical requirement that I cannot live without, like its made out to be on here. If I don't have it, I don't suffer, because I'm sophisticated enough to fulfil, and be fulfilled, emotionally and physically, without sticking my genitals inside someone. I might be an animal at root, but I tend to conduct my life using my higher brain. I'm cerebral. Call it evolution. This means that having sex is a very fun bonus, in the way that eating out at nice restaurants is, or receiving a nice massage. You make it sound like depriving men of sex is analagous to depriving dumb animals of food, which is a really base depiction that I see alot, and one I really despise I don't think depriving men of sex is like animals of food, but I do think it is a physical need for MOST men. Many men would classify a sexless relationship as a friendship or "roommates" and would not be content with that. having sex is a very fun bonus, in the way that eating out at nice restaurants is, or receiving a nice massage. You view sex the way many women view it. Something fun, but not neccesary. How often do you have sex? If you are having it often, you may minimize it's importance to the relationship because your needs are being met. However, it is very frustrating for men who love sex, to be in a relationship and have that method of expression blocked. I think sex is the most natural and basic way that MOST men want to connect with their partners. It's instinctual, IMO. Although we are evolved, we still have animal instincts. After giving birth, my instinct is to nurse my baby, and the baby's instinct is to find my breast. Those instints aren't curbed by the fact that we now have formula and bottles. Most men are naturally driven to want sex with the objects of their affection. This doesn't mean that we haven't evolved. Men aren't dragging women into caves to spread their seed. We have evolved enough to control our urges, but those urges are still there. There is wide range of libido and it is usually correlated to testosterone levels, so you will have high testosterone men on one end of the spectrum and low testosterone men on the other. After 20 years with my husband, we have had many ups and downs. We have busy lives with kids, activities, stress, work, etc. Our relationship is a lot more than just sex, but during the down times sex did act as the glue that bound us together. The initmacy that sex creates has kept us connected and is a vital part of our marriage. But back to the original post. To me, it doesn't sound as if there is anything physically wrong with you. You are just not getting any benefit from sex, so you are not driven to do it. Learning to orgasm with your partner will probably not make you crave sex, but it will definitely make the experience more enjoyable while you are having it.
Cypress25 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 The bottom line is this, if you want him to be happy and not to stray you better start thinking of sex as a necessary part of your routine, like brushing your teeth or shaving your legs. And you better do it willingly and act like you love it, Im talking a Meryl Streep performance. Worst. Advice. Ever. Sex involves 2 people. Both people have needs and feelings that are equally important. Sex should be enjoyable for both people. Women are not sex slaves. Telling a woman that she should pleasure her man whether she feels like it or not is the same as telling her that her feelings don't matter. Besides, sex can be very uncomfortable (and even painful) for a woman if she is not aroused. Having sex when she doesn't want to would be a horrible experience. And it sounds like the OP's boyfriend cares about her, so he probably wants her to enjoy sex. He probably wouldn't want her to lie about it either. To the OP, do you have any desire to engage in other intimate acts besides sex? Like kissing, oral, erotic massage, etc? Are you still interested in those things?
daphne Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 You don't have to have sex with your bf if you don't really want to. But he also has a choice to decide to have a relationship that involves regular sexual activity as well. An ex of mine married a gf that had a very low libido like you. I expressed concern that it would only decrease after marriage. I was right. They never had sex anymore. And ultimately, although I remember him as being a very good person, he cheated on her and ended up in a relationship with the gf he cheated with. He tried for years to make it work, but he was the only one really trying. I don't think it's equitable to say you're not going to force yourself to go through the motions to please him, and still expect him suppress his very natural urges. I think that's selfish.
ChessPieceFace Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I had a few orgasms at the start of the relationship, but not for at least two or so years. I get a small amount of pleasure out of it, but I suppose the pleasure I do get isn't worth the hassle. Uhh why am I not surprised. Figure out how to have orgasms. Of course sex is pointless without orgasm.
Cypress25 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I don't think it's equitable to say you're not going to force yourself to go through the motions to please him, and still expect him suppress his very natural urges. I think that's selfish. The OP never said she expects her bf to suppress his natural urges. She's here asking for help, so obviously she's trying to solve the problem. But forcing herself to go through the motions is just not an option. That's wrong on so many levels. Besides, I don't think that would please him.
Stardust123 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 It could be dietary. Do you eat a lot of soy? Soy kills your sex drive. Try cutting out the flour and sugar. Don't eat soy. Take a fish oil supplement. It's hard for some women to achieve orgasms even in their early twenties.
daphne Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 The OP never said she expects her bf to suppress his natural urges. She's here asking for help, so obviously she's trying to solve the problem. But forcing herself to go through the motions is just not an option. That's wrong on so many levels. Besides, I don't think that would please him. If you've read her posts, it's pretty clear that she's not interested in having sex so there's not much of a solution. He either abstains or takes care of it himself. "but I suppose the pleasure I do get isn't worth the hassle." To me, there's nothing in her post to suggest that she really wants to try to figure out how to raise her libido so much as figuring out a way to not have sex with him and maybe not feel guilty. She's not the first female I've seen do this. I think it's better to find someone with sexual compatibility. In her case, a guy with a low libido as well.
El Brujo Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Like it or not, some of us are born without certain circuits in our brains that do this or that... just like large computers that don't come with every card inside. I was born without the circuits my brain that enables me to work out complicated math equations. Blondiegirl was born without the circuits in her brain that would cause her to want sex. Simple as that... so don't try to "fix" her.
OliveOyl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 It could be the relationship itself is the problem, not that she has low libido. I used to think I had low libido. Actually I did have low libido...with my husband. When I started thinking of sex, romance, and relationships outside my marriage (NOT having an affair, but thinking/imagining what it might be like with someone else) I realized the problem was with the relationship, and that no matter what, for whatever reasons, my husband felt like my brother, not my lover. The relationship dynamic (for a variety of reasons, it was not one simple cut-and-dry issue) considerably dampened my sexual desire. Now it's completely different with my current boyfriend. I'm not saying that this is the case with the OP. It may simply be that she has a low libido. But for me personally, and for many women, libido is more complicated and goes beyond hormone levels... simply put, a certain kind of emotional connection needs to be there for women as well.
WhiteChocolate Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 It could be the relationship itself is the problem, not that she has low libido. I used to think I had low libido. Actually I did have low libido...with my husband. When I started thinking of sex, romance, and relationships outside my marriage (NOT having an affair, but thinking/imagining what it might be like with someone else) I realized the problem was with the relationship, and that no matter what, for whatever reasons, my husband felt like my brother, not my lover. The relationship dynamic (for a variety of reasons, it was not one simple cut-and-dry issue) considerably dampened my sexual desire. Now it's completely different with my current boyfriend. I'm not saying that this is the case with the OP. It may simply be that she has a low libido. But for me personally, and for many women, libido is more complicated and goes beyond hormone levels... simply put, a certain kind of emotional connection needs to be there for women as well. Yea, I don't think it is the case with the OP. She said: "Even other men I think are sexy if I thought about having sex with them (not that I'd cheat) I feel the same way. So it's not about being tired with him, it's being tired with sex in general. It seems an exhausting display that doesn't do anything for me." I wish I could help OP more. I've just never had low libido and it's difficult for me to imagine.
norajane Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I'm not convinced it's low libido. Girl is 22. She's had a "few orgasms" in 5 years of having sex with her bf. Of course she doesn't like sex! She's not having orgasms! She's also been dating this guy since she was 17 - I would not be the least bit surprised if they've outgrown each other, and that creates less passion and excitement. If they don't know how to give her great orgasms on top of that, I can see why she wouldn't be interested in sex. She doesn't know how great sex can be.
runner Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 perhaps your just not as into your bf as you think you are, and that your love for him is evolving from passionate lover to trusted friend. a long time ago i was in an LTR when i was your age. and after a few years, i found myself not as into it just like you describe. not saying that this is true in your case, but an idea you might want to think about.
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