thebig-guy Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) Ok, so ive recently split up with my ex after she ended it due to not feeling the same way anymore. Ill not talk to much about that but basically she works abroad and we never saw each other, i then went over to see her 2 weeks ago and that confirmed it for her that she did not want to be with me anymore... Ive come to terms with this now, However... Over the past week ive had a really exciting time. Ive never felt better! Reason being, I met someone else, although i wasnt looking for a relationship i was loving the casual dating thing we had going on. Then she told me she went on a date with someone else and has basically lost total interest in me. Although im not majorly bothered about this, its basically put me back to square one. Im now thinking about my ex again and really trying to stop myself contacting her... its really hard! I just feel like i cant move on unless i find someone else to replace her. I cant stand having no female attention. Can anyone offer an explanation to the way im acting? because i feel like the next female i come in contact with i will get instantly attached. in a subconcious effort to get over my ex... Its really getting me down Edited October 11, 2011 by thebig-guy
Chi townD Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 It's okay to be single for a while until you've fully healed. Nothing wrong with waiting until your ready to date and you can give your full attention to thed girl your dating. I mean, look. Yeah, you said you had fun and everything was going alright. But, that's your take on it. She may have seen the wall that you've put round yourself. Letting only a little bit of yourself out, but still looking for the protection of that wall. She may have though that, that she will never get through that wall, so why waste anymore time? I'm not trying to bring you down. I'm just speculating on what could have happened. You live and learn. It's okay to wait until you're ready.
geegirl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I just feel like i cant move on unless i find someone else to replace her. I cant stand having no female attention. Can anyone offer an explanation to the way im acting? because i feel like the next female i come in contact with i will get instantly attached. in a subconcious effort to get over my ex... Its really getting me down You can't move on until you find a replacement because you too afraid to deal with the hurt and pain on your own. It is much easier to ease that pain by attaching to someone else, and most times when you do that, you either make bad choices or you can't invest yourself fully in the next person. You really don't learn or grow from your past. If you don't have the attention and love of a woman, then you are nothing. If you can't stand your own company or enjoy being alone, how can anyone else fulfill you when you can't even do that on your own. Wanting female attention is normal but when you need it to validate who you are are and to fill the hole that you have inside you, you really need to do some work as to why you do the things you do versus finding a crutch. The healthy thing to do would be to heal from your past and open up when you are ready. Replacing your hurt by attaching to another woman is you running away. You build character and become stronger and wiser when you face your demons, hurts and problems head on. You don't do that by finding someone else to mask your issues and fill in the gaps.
Author thebig-guy Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Yes, this is how i feel at the moment. I feel as if i always need someone there. Also because i only work weekends at the moment i have LOTS of spare time. Its only the past 2 days that ive been having wierd dreams about my ex. They've been pretty realistic too. Do you not think the best thing for me would be to get out there and try casual dating? I.e no commitements? I found this worked last time. Although theres the risk of getting attached to the next person in line.
EgoJoe Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 It's okay to be single for a while until you've fully healed. Nothing wrong with waiting until your ready to date and you can give your full attention to thed girl your dating. I mean, look. Yeah, you said you had fun and everything was going alright. But, that's your take on it. She may have seen the wall that you've put round yourself. Letting only a little bit of yourself out, but still looking for the protection of that wall. She may have though that, that she will never get through that wall, so why waste anymore time? I'm not trying to bring you down. I'm just speculating on what could have happened. You live and learn. It's okay to wait until you're ready. Chitown: You nailed it! To the OP: Sure go ahead and date if you want to take forever to move on. Hook up to get some action but don't transfer feelings. Just focus on improving yourself and gaining perspective.
geegirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) Yes, this is how i feel at the moment. I feel as if i always need someone there. Also because i only work weekends at the moment i have LOTS of spare time. Its only the past 2 days that ive been having wierd dreams about my ex. They've been pretty realistic too. Do you not think the best thing for me would be to get out there and try casual dating? I.e no commitements? I found this worked last time. Although theres the risk of getting attached to the next person in line. If you feel you always need someone to fulfill you, you really need to fix that because you'll keep filling that hole with everything else but you. You're empty without another person, dependent on someone else to make you happy. What do you do with you spare time, if you're not moping? It's normal to have dreams after a breakup. It was very real to me and sometime I'd wake up with tears on my face so that is normal, and not an indication that things are worsening. Just part of the process. If casual dating works for you, great, if you are able to not attach. Most times when you are hurt or healing, because you need to find a replacement to take away the hurt and pain, you make wrong choices. Then you repeat the process again. You're walking in emotionally hurt not mentally clear. But if you can separate your emotions and just have fun, do what is best for you. Personally, I prefer to heal completely and then open myself up to opportunities. If you don't do the work (figuring out why you have a dependency on someone else making you feel whole), finding coping skills to recover on your own and filling your emotional voids on your own and developing who you are, you're going to keep repeating these same patterns. Edited October 12, 2011 by geegirl
Author thebig-guy Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 When im not moping, im usually training at the gym (5 times a week at the moment!) or down the bar planning events... Ironically my ex was actually the result of getting over someone else! It just turned out she was a really nice person so i ended up really happy (for a year). But obviously im now in the same position again, so it failed. So the goal here is to not get attached at all to anyone until ive fully healed? But i dont feel like i can heal until i find someone else its wierd.. I just think as long as im single i will still have feelings for me ex as they wont have transfered to anyone else... Clearly you have mentioned that it is only really time that can repair things. i know from my own experiences i am too impatient to wait to get over someone and instead end up getting too involved too quickly with someone else...:/ Im going to try my hardest to get used to being single, afterall im only 22. It just seems that every woman i have feelings for ends up being a relationship. And usually RUSHED. I mean i had plans for children, house and marriage with the ex after 6 months!! I remember waking up on mornings feeling so strongly about her i just wanted to marry her there and then. I really hope i can completely detatch myself from this woman before she comes back into the uk in november after a 7 month working trip...
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