Choose Life Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Hello all I have been reading the posts here for a long time, and thought I would put forward my experience. It's true, never thought I would get involved with anyone married. I had enough single male attention, a good life, great friends, I had good self esteem, well so I thought. I never noticed him, I was around him 4 evenings a week, and it was like he was invisible to me, for months, then one evening he came and chatted to me. Looks wise he was 4 inches shorter than me, overweight, but he had the most amazing smile and eyes. I was chatting to him, the banter was there between us, the same sense of humour and the most important thing, I felt at ease, like I had known him all my life. That was the start, I knew he was married, but thought it was ok, we could be friends. He knew what to say, what to do to get me hooked. He told me later on in our relationship he liked me for months, and it took a while to come and approach me. The thing is, I knew he liked me a lot, I could see it in his face, his actions, but yet the line was still there for a few months. It took a night out for a mutual friends birthday, I ended back at his digs, he works away in the week from home. We had the most amazing night, things escalated, we talked everyday, sometimes for hours. We went on dates, and everytime I saw him, my feelings grew stronger. I knew he was unhappy, I didn't have to ask, I could see it, he was finding happiness with me, as I was with him. One night at his place he told me he loved me, and that I was all he thought about. Early in the relationship when he went home to his family at the weekends, I would hear nothing, but now he was texting, calling, saying morning and night. I could see the love in his eyes, how much he wanted to be loved and cared for too. In the four months toegther we only speant the night and had sex twice, so it was never just about that. He told me that he had met girls before, but never crossed the line and fell in love. He was finding it really hard to be with me, he said he was being pulled in so many directions. The thing is I saw all of this, it wasn't just words, it was via his actions too. I loved this man like I had loved no other, he made me happy, special, sexy you name it! I never felt second place, maybe because of his situation, being 100% available in the week, I'm not sure. But it came to the point where he said it was over. He was so happy with me, but from the amazing highs with me, to the lows of not being there with me, were just too much. 20 years of marriage, 2 children, he would never leave, as he knew his wife would stop him seeing the kids. So that was that, heartbroken, and still both holding onto the delusion we could be friends we tried. 2 months of trying to be friends, which hurt even more, salt in the wounds. On the odd occasion finding ourselves in each others arms, saying we were still in love. Then one morning he called me and said to cut me out of his life, never see or speak to him again. I kept away for 2 months, and even though it hurt like hell, I did. I would see him, but always from a distance, he would totally ignore me like he didn't know me. He cut me totally off too, no texts, calls, nothing. I always thought of him, if he felt the same pain, if he had found someone new. I bumped into him last night, I was so proud of myself, kept it friendly, but not too friendly, just said I had to go, was in a hurry. He was happy to speak to me, maybe he is over everything, and feels he can talk now. He has had the distance to resolve his feelings. Me? I feel like all the progress I made in the last 2 months, has totally gone, I hurt so much :-( It brought back everything, thought about nothing but him since. I know this much, I will never, ever get involved with a MM again, it's a case of run forest run, in the other direction. It's just too painful, I will never forget him and the love, but the pain is shouting the loudest at the moment!
eleanor01 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Ouch. CL, Welcome. I am so sorry for your pain. It seems that the nature of affairs is that they are a constant push-me-pull-you, or as some say, a roller coaster, or as some say, a teeter totter. My advice to you is to be strong and stay no contact. Seeing a former lover who dumped us is always going to hurt for awhile. He was civil to you, you were civil to him, so you know that you can do it. Mostly, your story sounds like many others. What jumps out at me, though, is his claim that his wife would keep him from seeing his kids. Unless he's abusive to her or to them, she can't legally keep him away from his kids. Yes, she can make it really tough, she can pull all sorts of nasty tricks. But, if he can deal with the hassle, he can see his kids. So, I call BS on that one. Good luck to you. Ellie P.S. I never thought I'd be in an affair, either.
Author Choose Life Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Thanks Ellie. It's surprising how many stories remind me of mine. The intense feelings, never feeling such a connection etc. Maybe it is the rollercoaster effect, intensifies everything. I'm not young and niave, had relationships, but this one, it was different, but too different! I will still keep my distance, I know he will be around this week, it's just something I need to deal with. This is about me now, protecting me and getting over the experience. Louise.
alexandria35 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 OP I can't right a lengthy response right now as I have to get to work and I'm running late. Just wanted to say that I think you have romatisized this relationship and put this frumpy middle aged cheating man on an impossibly high pedestal. Much of what you say about him and the affair doesn't makes sense. You never noticed him until he spoke to you, but he liked you for months and had to get up his nerve to approach you. Kind of sounds like he was looking for an affair from the start and had targeted you. Doesn't sound like the actions of a man who had never cheated before. Then you say he ended the affair because he knew he was never going to leave his wife. Well I suspect he knew all along that he was never going to leave his wife so if that was his reason for ending the affair why start the affair in the first place. He can't leave his kids yet you say he was around you for 4 evenings a week. Doing what? If his kids are so important to him why be out 4 evenings a week? He sounds like a guy who either just wanted a fling and realized that he had to cut you loose when you started taking it to seriously. But he did it with a big romantic flair so you wouldn't freak out and maybe go bunny boiler on him. Or he sounds like he found a new OW to be interested in and he had to get you out of the picture so he could persue someone new. I really don't think this guy is worth eating your heart out over.
Author Choose Life Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 He worked away from home, and just went home at weekends. He rented a room in shared accomadation in the week. We met at the gym, went to the same class. When I say he was invisible, it's true, obviously seen him in class, but never said hi. Maybe he did like me from afar, picked me out for some fun. I really do believe he loved me, he dropped work everything to help me out of trouble once, and it wasn't based on sex. I think you are right though, I have romantised it, shoved a pedestal up his butt. I also agree the kids excuse is just that, an excuse. I think he is a coward, and I really need to wake up. Your post was really what I needed, yes I hurt so much, but over what? My heart sure needs a good talking to!
woinlove Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 He worked away from home, and just went home at weekends. He rented a room in shared accomadation in the week. We met at the gym, went to the same class. When I say he was invisible, it's true, obviously seen him in class, but never said hi. Maybe he did like me from afar, picked me out for some fun. I really do believe he loved me, he dropped work everything to help me out of trouble once, and it wasn't based on sex. I think you are right though, I have romantised it, shoved a pedestal up his butt. I also agree the kids excuse is just that, an excuse. I think he is a coward, and I really need to wake up. Your post was really what I needed, yes I hurt so much, but over what? My heart sure needs a good talking to! Sorry you are hurting. I agree that you need to get this man off the pedestal. He gets some of his needs met through his M and it doesn't matter much what he is looking for to supplement that. Whether it is sex, intimacy, adoration, in-love feelings,... or some combination of these. The point is he wants to stay married, treated you poorly, gave you some lame excuses, and you deserve more. Give your heart that talking to.
Author Choose Life Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 He has treated me poorly. He knew what he wanted from the start, and he got it. I had such good self esteem, boundaries that no one ever crossed, somehow I let him in and I really hate myself for it. I'm just working on my self esteem again, and I mean it, I will never get involved with a MM again. Sorry you are hurting. I agree that you need to get this man off the pedestal. He gets some of his needs met through his M and it doesn't matter much what he is looking for to supplement that. Whether it is sex, intimacy, adoration, in-love feelings,... or some combination of these. The point is he wants to stay married, treated you poorly, gave you some lame excuses, and you deserve more. Give your heart that talking to.
half_ofa_heart Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 He has treated me poorly. He knew what he wanted from the start, and he got it. I had such good self esteem, boundaries that no one ever crossed, somehow I let him in and I really hate myself for it. I'm just working on my self esteem again, and I mean it, I will never get involved with a MM again. my sympathies! I wish you all the luck in fixing what is now broken because of the A. I too am in repair mode but I still talk to my MM which makes repair much more difficult. Be happy that your A didn't last too long. I know the damage is already done but imagine the damage you would have to repair if it lasted years. Getting thru the end of this A is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am in complete agreement that once you're in an A and get thru, you never ever want to look back. Hugs.
Author Choose Life Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Thank you He seems to be around a lot more recently. Saw him this morning, and he actually said hi, and tried to start up a conversation. Again polite, swift exit! It's wierd after reading the posts here, and a chat with my friend yesterday, I see him for what he is. My friend told me guys his age look for women to supplement what they don't have at home. As a woman, I should protect my heart at all costs. I guess I have learned the hard way, sometimes you have to be really burned to learn a lesson. I know I still love him, or the idea of him, doesn't mean I like him as a person anymore though! I think my main problem is beating myself up for being so stupid. I'm just letting it go now, show myself some love. I'm taking a class on Thursday, I know he is going to be there, he told me! I wish he would just leave me alone, no idea why all of a sudden he is trying to be friendly! Also it's his birthday Monday, a whole group of mutual friends are going, and I have already decided I won't be there. I may not be able to stop him talking to me, but I sure can stop myself putting myself in his way! I think this positive thoughts, and some fire in my belly is finally putting all this pain to rest!
Gentlegirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 It seems to me, that he was away from home, looking for a bit of company. Put him down to experience. For you it is a good experience for the future. You will know that there are charmers out there looking for a bit of cupcake. They will have their fun and go back home, no matter whether they have kids at home or not. If they can have a little bit of fun on the side ... all good. They are not going to uproot themselves and make life uncomfortable when they can get fun for nothing. So sorry you had to have the experience ,but so many of us have had and learned the lesson well. Gentlegirl.
Author Choose Life Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 That did actually make me laugh out loud I know what was I thinking, but I'm not one for looks alone, it's the person that attracts me first. He just had something about him! I'm 5ft 10 by the way, so kinda used to shorter guys Yes I agree, away from home, he knew what he was looking for. Yes HUGE lesson learned, never to be repeated Yup. 4" shorter and overweight? Be still my beating heart. :laugh:
nonamefornow Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Hi Choose Life I'm glad you're seeing the side of him that is wanting his cake and to eat it. My story is quite similar in that he's shorter than me, with a paunch, quite odd looking really!!! Add to the fact I'd worked with him for 2.5 yrs without ever looking at him 'that' way and didn't for over a month of constant contact - the personality really did win over in the end. Like you, I always had high morals etc. but this one knocked me off my feet. Never before had I felt so comfortable with someone in such a short space of time. It's been over now for months (daily contact via text remained) and I work with him so have to see him a few hours a week. He's also been married 20yrs but difference is, his son is 18 yet he's still afraid to leave (they have a VERY comfortable lifestyle, perhaps not so much a comfortable marriage). I will do the same as you, should this kind of situation ever present itself to me in future.....RUN LIKE HELL.....I wish I could transport myself to this time 9mths ago, where I may have wished I had a nice relationship with someone and maybe lonely the odd time.....but I had contentment in other areas (and peace of mind!). Hang in there and keep posting - I think most can take encouragement from other's posts which can't be a bad thing in trying to get over something like this. Take care x
Sooner or Later Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 That did actually make me laugh out loud I know what was I thinking, but I'm not one for looks alone, it's the person that attracts me first. He just had something about him! I'm 5ft 10 by the way, so kinda used to shorter guys Yes I agree, away from home, he knew what he was looking for. Yes HUGE lesson learned, never to be repeated I'm close to five ten myself...it never stopped me from dating men who were shorter but others have a problem with it. Anyway, I think this guy is a dweeb and, perhaps, did love you but has no guts to go the whole way...therefore, a loser and not worth another second of your time. You seem really grounded and real and wonderful...chalk it up to bad judgment and move on. Best to you!
Author Choose Life Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 It's comforting to know, it wasn't just me that was won over by an amazing personality. I'm with you, wish I could be transported back, but at the same time I have learned a very valuable lesson. I knew guys could be charmers, but this one was another level. I guess if you think about it, that's all a married man have to offer. Words, flatter you, make you feel special, wish I could meet a single guy like that! I saw him last night in class, I also instruct, so I had him staring at me for 45 mins. He did seem a bit ackward iniitally, but smiled, didn't come and chat. He threw me off for a few mins, then just got on with it. I know I have feelings there still, but I know if he all of a sudden said I want you, I'm leaving my W, I would say good for you, but not to be with me. Too much has happened, he really stripped me of my self esteem and put me through hell. I was also thinking, could I ever trust him? So it's back to just trying to keep him out of my head, I don't have any contact with him outside the gym thankfully. These feelings will go altogether, each day I think of him less. I find looking after me, keeping busy, seeing my friends really helps. It's just a case of growing a backbone and some fire in my belly, and saying this guy is so not worth feeling crap over!!!! Hi Choose Life I'm glad you're seeing the side of him that is wanting his cake and to eat it. My story is quite similar in that he's shorter than me, with a paunch, quite odd looking really!!! Add to the fact I'd worked with him for 2.5 yrs without ever looking at him 'that' way and didn't for over a month of constant contact - the personality really did win over in the end. Like you, I always had high morals etc. but this one knocked me off my feet. Never before had I felt so comfortable with someone in such a short space of time. It's been over now for months (daily contact via text remained) and I work with him so have to see him a few hours a week. He's also been married 20yrs but difference is, his son is 18 yet he's still afraid to leave (they have a VERY comfortable lifestyle, perhaps not so much a comfortable marriage). I will do the same as you, should this kind of situation ever present itself to me in future.....RUN LIKE HELL.....I wish I could transport myself to this time 9mths ago, where I may have wished I had a nice relationship with someone and maybe lonely the odd time.....but I had contentment in other areas (and peace of mind!). Hang in there and keep posting - I think most can take encouragement from other's posts which can't be a bad thing in trying to get over something like this. Take care x
Author Choose Life Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Well it's his birthday today, can you believe I'm actually thinking of getting him a birthday card! I so need a slap!
Barrsitter Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Be sure that your knight in shining armour, isn't just a dork in tin foil.
skywriter Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Well it's his birthday today, can you believe I'm actually thinking of getting him a birthday card! I so need a slap! Choose Life, Just consider a few facts, and this may change your attitude about getting him a birthday card. Who are you to him? Does he know when your birthday is? Is your birthday important enough to remember? I could go on and on, with holidays, vacations, losing loved ones, etc. I think you have the idea though.
Author Choose Life Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Now not sure who I am to him, he knows my birthday, he made a huge thing of it this year and we speant it together. I know what you are saying, I just wanted to do the polite thing, I thought by ignoring it, I would be saying I'm still hurting etc. I know I am, but don't want him to know that! It's ok, didn't get the card and not contacted him. Choose Life, Just consider a few facts, and this may change your attitude about getting him a birthday card. Who are you to him? Does he know when your birthday is? Is your birthday important enough to remember? I could go on and on, with holidays, vacations, losing loved ones, etc. I think you have the idea though.
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