spider9cz Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Ok here's the story: Ive been with this girl for over 4 years now. Weve known each other for about 6. After the first year and a half, we broke up. Our problems based off of her not getting what she wanted/thought of me. The biggest problems were because 1. I didnt go out with her as much as I should to things she wanted to do (like dancing or parties) 2. I didnt really like her friends and thus never really hung out with them. Well we broke up, and werent together for about a good month. It was hard, but we stayed in touch and eventually sat down and talked about what was going on and we agreed to go to couples counseling and that i would try working on those things she didnt like. Things started back up really good, we were better than ever. Another year passed, and she started to bring up marriage and when are we gonna get married type of things. so after long consideration and realizing thats what i wanted as well, i decided to pull the trigger and ask her to marry me. So this past decemeber i asked her, she said yes... and i was the happiest guy alive. she immedieatly got her wedding dress, and a few months ago we set the church up and the hall for next april. All that was left was the tuxedos and bridesmaids dresses. Everything was good. Then **** hit the fan. We had gotten into an argument and she told me that she felt she wasnt my number 1 priority, that it felt it was more towards my family than her. I did my best to difuse the situation, and to me i honestly didnt think i was not making her my number 1. but we talked, we stayed mad for a day then made up. A week or so later, we went out, she forgot her engagement ring, and I got mad... and stayed mad through our entire event that day (I have a problem of staying mad for a while when I get upset). we got back to her place, and I was still sort of upset and didnt really talk to her. Then she dropped the bomb on me and told me she was scared about getting married. That she was afraid so much would change and she wouldnt get the opprotunity to do what she wants to do and that it would just be all about making me happy. I tried my best to once again, talk through it with her, during it things got more intense and she ended up giving me back her ring. I was devestated. However, we decided to just "postpone" the wedding and we came to our senses and she wanted me to propose to her again. Now this is where I may have messed up even more, after a week of greatness, i asked her a few times here and there if she was sure she wanted to get married, and she always said yes. so after a week, things were good, and the moment felt good and i asked her to marry me once again. she said yes, and we had our lovey dovey moment. Well after a few days, things hit a wall again... she wanted to talk to me and when we did, she told me she decided she couldnt marry me again. that i rushed the situation and she wasnt really prepared to say yes. the same basis stood where she was afraid of getting married because it would delay her goals and plans. This time however, she decided to knock off our entire relationship all together. She cited that we were just too different. Then started to bring up stuff from our past that caused our first break up. That she felt I wasnt still being out going enough for her, that I still wasnt going out with her friends. And new wrinkles came out, that I was holding her down and making her feel guilty towards certain things she did (like getting a tattoo, joining a gym, going out with her friends, drinking, taking off on trips). that she got to the point where she couldnt be herself and just wanted the freedom to do whatever she wanted to do whenever and not be held back by feeling guilty or having to report to me or anyone else. and she said on those grounds, she felt we couldnt be together anymore. it was pretty much a list full of negative stuff i have done (or didnt do in some cases) and nothing else, no postives to balance stuff out or bring it more in favor of one or the other. now my thing is, i know i wasnt a perfect boyfriend/fiancee. i let a lot of things slide, i got to complacent, and i just coasted on that i was "trying" to do the things she wanted me to do and felt it was enough because she never told me anything. however, on my defense, i wasnt a horrible guy either. I know there were a lot more positve things in our relationship than there were bad and i honestly was "trying". I never meant to hurt her, or make her feel she wasnt my number one priority, or get complacent. its just never came to my mind i was doing these things until of course she told me. now... well now she decided that we couldnt be together anymore, shes gave me back the ring, and called off the wedding and our relationship and has stated to me that she wants her freedom and space. the thing is though, this is killing me... a lot! im not scared to admit it, because i know what it is, but ive fallen into really big depression.. its hard for me to eat, to go out with friends and legitmately enjoy myself, its hard to do things i like to do without feeling guilty. its hard for me to walk from my room to the restroom without thinking about her or a moment we shared without breaking down into tears. its hard for me to sleep... and when i do im dreaming about us not being together. im wretched with guilt because i feel that it really is all my fault that we are no longer together, that i should have done a whole lot more to have avoided this. and to top it all off, im scared of really losing her to someone else during this time. its been really hard for me not to get into contact with her without me sending her some text, email, message, or even calling her on a daily basis. and its extremely hard for me because i know shes out and about with her friends, and saying shes enjoying her life and having fun... seeing her not mourn or anything like that while im here in the gutters is hurting me all that more. I know i have to go on with my life... but im not finding any joy out of anything right now. all i want is her...and for me to talk to her and see her. this depression is bad... and its only getting worse. i really do want her back... and im willing to change what she wants me too. Not because I want her back, but its because what I want. Ive always admired who she is... thats why im attracted to her. shes the type of person ive always seen myself as, and so me changing isnt a big deal, beccause its what i really want to do. And now that I know what i need to change... I know what to do. My problem is coming now from her not really wanting to hear me out. either she ignores me, or she plays this off like im telling her some kind of joke. like if im lying to her, and when i tell her im sorry and tell her i want to change and just give me one more chance... she sort of chuckles at it and gives me either that im just saying this to save our relationship because i dont have it anymore, or "we'll see how long that last" kind of response. she thinks i cant change. but i really want to show her that i can change and i want to change. i know for a fact, i had things good with her... and i dont want to be without her. its been a couple of weeks now that we are no longer considered a couple.i just want to see if anyone by reading this story thinks maybe theres a chance of me getting another chance if i do let her breath and give her her space. or if there was anyone with a situation similar to this that has had things work out? right now, im just looking for anything to help me get me out of this depression and help me from actually giving her her space without sucumbing to contacting her or pushing her. i want to show her that i can and wil change, even though she doesnt want it to be on her time. thank you for any help or kind words anyone might be able to give me.
leoc1973 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Hey man. I read your story. My story is identical and I mean absolutely identical to yours other than I never proposed. I was saving for a ring and was actually going to this month. We were supposed to go away together for my birthday this month to new orleans and I was going to ask her there. Ok that being said. Me and my ex dated for a year and a half and broke up for a couple months I won her back. It was always about my family too. and not taking her out enough and hanging out with her friends just like you. The truth is that I just loved being with her hanging out at her apartment. Sometimes I think its my fault and sometimes hers. I guess I learned that women don't like to be couped up in a house like we do. We are happy to just be with them and the like to get out. Here is what is going on in her head. She thinks that there is nothing she can do to lose you. She is going to go out and have her fun and every little while she will come around to see if you are still on the hook. My relationship ended 6 months ago and I finally am moving on. This is how I finally let myself cope with the situation. I tell myself that she doesn't want me right now. And why try to win someone back that doesn't love you unconditionally. Do you really want her out of pity. I say no way! I let mine go and you have to also. She needs to say to herself am I really gonna lose this guy? What am I nuts? I want a woman to love me and only me and the thought of another man makes her sick. Go on facebook and look at some posts by girl friends of yours. Look at how some of them say how much they love their man and how some of them say they are the luckiest girl in the world. Mine never did that with me. I think she didn't wanna scare away prospective suitors. That is what hurts the most. Watching all my friends post that stuff and mine never loved me enough to do it for me. If you truly love her be happy for her and let her go have her fun. If she ends up with another man then she didn't love you enough anyways. Do not and I repeat do not let her keep sucking you in with her I miss you's and I love you's. It kept me hanging on for months that I could have been way further ahead. Go out with another woman and see if she really loves you because if she really does then she will not be able to handle it. You just might feel something for a new girl. I did and hey we are guys we have needs too!
Author spider9cz Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Thanks for the reply. A lot of it is the same, you know, my thing was that I was happy with just being with HER, going to the movies with HER, staying in and cooking with HER, it was more than enough for me and even though she had told me the first time we broke up, I got out of my shell a little and did some of her stuff here and there with her... however, like I posted above, it wasnt enough. She thought I was trying enough and that I was lacking the motivation to be with her and to actually go out of my way to do those things instead of her just waiting for me and forcing me to go. The only thing is; she is not really keeping me on the hook right now. She has tried to be definitive about stopping this... saying she wants her time and she wants a while to heal her wounds. As far as stuff like facebook... she was very caring and loving. I dont really do the facebook/twitter stuff, so I was rarely on and never posted. But she had albums of "love" and "twins" and postings how she was with her soul mate, so she wasnt scared of hiding that she loved me. And she did a lot of stuff for me during the time we were together, a lot! And I have always appreciated what she did for me and never took her for granted... however thats where the trouble lies, she thinks I did because I never did all those little things that added up to big things. So yea right now there isnt any "I miss you's" "I love you's" well there is, but they are all coming from me. I agree with you that I dont want her back from pity. But nonetheless, I do want her back. Its just hard for me to comprehend that with all the years we've been together, all the good things we've been through, and for crying out loud we were engaged and only a few months away from spending the rest of our lives together, that she (for right now anyway) that she isnt really giving me the chance to prove that I can fix things and instead is just really letting this all go. So its really hard for me to live truly right now. I go to sleep tossing and turning thinking about her, wanting her back... I wake up constantly during the night to see if she's called or text me, and I wake up early because I just cant sleep anymore. All I want to do is to text her, call her, see her... but I dont want to push her away. I just dont know what to do anymore.
StellaA Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I wanted to get back with my ex and begged him, he didn't want to and so I left him alone. He has now come to me asking to get back together! but I don't know what to do
Author spider9cz Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 I wanted to get back with my ex and begged him, he didn't want to and so I left him alone. He has now come to me asking to get back together! but I don't know what to do The thing is I dont know how to leave her alone. Im really struggling and dont know what to do.
Gucci Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I wanted to get back with my ex and begged him, he didn't want to and so I left him alone. He has now come to me asking to get back together! but I don't know what to do StellaA Can you tell us more about your story on this? i love him but i dont want him back if he ever comes back, but scare ill be too weak to turn him down, i dont think he will be a good bf or husnad. Theres just so much history..(he dumped me after on and off for 4 years)
NYOrLAGuy Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 The thing is I dont know how to leave her alone. Im really struggling and dont know what to do. Man, ain't this the hardest part? All you want to do is talk to them, try to placate their fears and tell them how much you love them, and yet all it ever does is make them think you're weak, or emotional or whatever... there has to be a happy medium between calling and texting nonstop and going full NC, right?
StellaA Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 We were together nearly 5 yeard, lived together for 1. Friends for 3 years before. He had to go into hospital for 2 weeks, they diagnosed him bipolar. Since he came out he didn't want to be with me despite me telling him i wanted us to be together. I left him alone, 3 months after split he wants me back.
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