Almond_Joy Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Hi Loveshack, I've never dated a person, really. All the relationships I've been in have been initiated by a guy either after we've talked on the phone or on the first meeting. Having said that, I met a guy about 3 weeks ago. He asked me out, and we've gone on three dates so far. He said they've all been great, and I agree. There's been no physical contact between us on these dates besides a few hugs. Because of certain past circumstances, he is wary of being exclusive with anyone right now. I don't mind him dating other people if we continue dating as we have been (no real physical contact). He asked me what kind of physical contact I would be comfortable giving and receiving without being exclusive. My response was any contact involving my upper back and my arms is fine. This pretty much rules out everything but hugging. He now says that he's looking for someone who can express themselves physically, and that if I can't do that without us being exclusive then he can't keep seeing me, although he's "very fond of me". Are the physical boundaries I set too restrictive, especially considering that this guy is considering multi-dating? I haven't asked him yet what kind of physical expression he's talking about (he did specifically mention he is not talking about sex), and I'd like some other opinions..... Thanks.
Lobouspo Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 The physical boundaries that are appropriate in this situation are whatever you feel comfortable with......plain and simple.
Nexus One Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 In my opinion you are spot on regarding the physical contact. Although quite a lot of people here on LS will disagree with me on this. Some people want to (multi-)date multiple candidates for a relationship, while at the same time sleeping with multiple of their dates or making out with multiple of their dates, giving oral or hand jobs. They often do that while keeping all the involved people in the dark about it, preventing the involved people from making informed decisions about whether or not they actually want to date someone who does that. In my opinion you have it right.
Pierre Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Because of certain past circumstances, he is wary of being exclusive with anyone right now. I don't mind him dating other people if we continue dating as we have been (no real physical contact). He asked me what kind of physical contact I would be comfortable giving and receiving without being exclusive. My response was any contact involving my upper back and my arms is fine. This pretty much rules out everything but hugging. He now says that he's looking for someone who can express themselves physically, and that if I can't do that without us being exclusive then he can't keep seeing me, although he's "very fond of me". Are the physical boundaries I set too restrictive, especially considering that this guy is considering multi-dating? I haven't asked him yet what kind of physical expression he's talking about (he did specifically mention he is not talking about sex), and I'd like some other opinions..... Thanks. He is only interested in sex. He does not see you as relationship material. If you want to be a f****k buddy is up to you. I do not recommend you have any physical interaction with this man. He is looking to use you.
Nexus One Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 He is only interested in sex. He does not see you as relationship material. If you want to be a f****k buddy is up to you. I do not recommend you have any physical interaction with this man. He is looking to use you. She said he did specifically mentioned he wasn't talking about sex, so it's possible that he was talking about making out or kissing. Or perhaps he thinks blow jobs or hand jobs do not fall under sex.
Author Almond_Joy Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Thank you for the feedback, guys. I don't think his immediate intentions are for anything sexual. Even if they aren't, I don't want some guy's hands on me in an intimate way if he's pursuing other women. That idea just bothers me, and since I don't have much dating experience, I wasn't sure if I was being impractical.
Pierre Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Thank you for the feedback, guys. I don't think his immediate intentions are for anything sexual. Even if they aren't, I don't want some guy's hands on me in an intimate way if he's pursuing other women. That idea just bothers me, and since I don't have much dating experience, I wasn't sure if I was being impractical. I am exactly like you. I have no interest or desire to date a woman that is actively seeing other men. I usually ask if they are seeing someone in a casual manner and if i get a "yes" or "it is not my business" i don't ask her out again.
Author Almond_Joy Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 What are the 'certain past circumstances'? He told me that he pursued a woman for 5 years. The woman kept saying she had feelings for him but wouldn't date him to explore the interest. Meanwhile, from what he told me, I understand he treated her like a girlfriend - took her out (as "friends", though his interest was otherwise), bought her gifts, lavished her with attention. He didn't date any other women during this time. He got a new job that required him to relocate to the city I live in about 5 months ago. Him and this interest were plutonic roommates at the time. Faced with this decision, he finally gave up on her and moved down here.
norajane Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Thank you for the feedback, guys. I don't think his immediate intentions are for anything sexual. Even if they aren't, I don't want some guy's hands on me in an intimate way if he's pursuing other women. That idea just bothers me, and since I don't have much dating experience, I wasn't sure if I was being impractical. Is holding hands or some kissing out of the question for you? You probably are being impractical if you expect a guy not to touch you or kiss you until he's committed to an exclusive relationship with you.
carhill Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 OK, so apparently he's afraid of being friend-zoned again by one of the nebulous fog type people (I know them well) and is hence keeping his options open. If you're looking for a LTR, he's probably not your man right now, assuming what he says is honest. He's essentially disclaimered out of any future behavior which might otherwise offend you regarding the intimacy you are sharing. That's OK, but you have to decide whether that matches up with what you want in a relationship/dating experience/whatever.
betterdeal Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Sounds like you have expressed what works for you very clearly, and that's what matters. In my opinion, someone who's multi-dating is likely to find it hard to adjust to a one-to-one relationship (they will have to give up one of their significant pastimes to do so) so your position on this actually helps you avoid the messy, challenging process of getting more involved with someone physically and emotionally, and them not being able to stabilise with you as a couple. Anything beyond what you'd be comfortable doing with, say, a relative or close friend (i.e. expressions of affection) takes you into blurred areas which will be more of a pain than a joy. If he was looking for a playmate and you were into that, fine, but I wouldn't encourage going that route unless you're very sure that's what you want. A friend to everyone is a good friend to no-one.
Author Almond_Joy Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Is holding hands or some kissing out of the question for you? You probably are being impractical if you expect a guy not to touch you or kiss you until he's committed to an exclusive relationship with you. Holding hands is fine, and kissing with no tongue would be fine. But I don't really want to nitpick and have a discussion about acceptable touching - to me that takes the fun out of letting physical chemistry between two people unfold naturally. I also believe that if you're really into someone, and then you start engaging in physical contact....even if you don't have any intention of having sex, it's easy for an intimate situation to escalate to that zone when passions are ignited. It's just easier....less awkward, rather..... if I don't have this concern of "How many other women is he doing this with?" running through my mind when/if we're together in a situation like that.
Author Almond_Joy Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 OK, so apparently he's afraid of being friend-zoned again by one of the nebulous fog type people (I know them well) and is hence keeping his options open. If you're looking for a LTR, he's probably not your man right now, assuming what he says is honest. He's essentially disclaimered out of any future behavior which might otherwise offend you regarding the intimacy you are sharing. That's OK, but you have to decide whether that matches up with what you want in a relationship/dating experience/whatever. I have to admit that I was a bit irritated by his decision, because we talked about this issue right after he told me about his past. I explicitly stated to him that I would not "gray area/friend zone" him. We both agreed we were interested in each other romantically, and I told him I would like to pursue a more intimate relationship with him. But I'm not going to approach the physical aspect of a relationship if he's actively establishing romantic rapports with other women.
betterdeal Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Tell him to get back to you when he's tidied up those other loose ends.
Author Almond_Joy Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Tell him to get back to you when he's tidied up those other loose ends. Yes, that will be my "parting" message.
Recommended Posts