Groovy Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 Last night I went out on a date with a man I'll refer to as T. I have known T for 7 months, we are both about 30 and met playing in a sports league together. T was in a 2 year relationship so we have just been friends. We have hung out at parties in groups and always liked to chat, but that was it. He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. We went out last night and as I suspected it was a date. Before I get to the good parts let me bring up the issue first. I have always been a Dear Abby type, people feel really comfortable and nothing really rattles me when I hear it. I am pretty open minded and can step out of my own world. He told when he was 8 he and his brother were sent to foster homes because his mother remarried and the stepdather didn't want children in the house. The foster home parents were not very good and his childhood was not easy. His biological mother had died of breast cancer when he tried to contact her as an adult in college and his biological father has very little to do in his life. From what he remembers he treated his mother terribly. He talks to his brother who is married and has kids. But T had to report his brother to Department of Children and Families when he found out he was badly abusing one of the kids. So T's brother is waiting on trial and T is trying to get the woman to go into counseling. I know that was hard for T to do and admire him for it. I really wish T had told me this after I got to know him really well, because now I have a lot of concerns about dating him. But is that fair? If anything I should admire T and know how strong of a person he is. How do I know T would make a good parent or husband, or that T is not violent? I know that stuff won't show up until the relationship is in. But T seems all together. He wants to get married someday and adopt. He paid his way through college, is an unusual intellectual match for me. He is athletic and doesn't smoke. He likes women who are assertive and seems traditional in his respect toward women. T usually does what I like to do and is easygoing. He seems giving and happy. I'd like to say no to T because we are different in our values, goals or some other reason than T being a victim of circumstance. I know everything he's been through could work against him or make him work harder to be an ideal guy avoiding to be anything he grew up with. He said he is just like everyone else and he has just been unlucky in his circumstance. That he could only rely on himself to make the best of it all. That life worked out to be well. It sounds like he has gotten his issues resolved years ago. I know men who have happy intact families yet are womanizers, undedicated to children they created, unfaithful, etc. My heart feels comfortable with T, but he has no parents, when he did they were both rejected him, his mother was subject to violence the time she was alive. Apparently the foster parents also had domestic issues and his brother does too. Should I listen to my heart and give him a chance or back out of something destined to go wrong? In the 7 months I've known him I've seen him drink at parties, I've seen him get sacked in sports, I've seen him with his girlfriend and I would've never known what T is up against.
moimeme Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 What on earth would possess you, even for a second, to wonder about this guy? He sounds like a prince. Some of the very best men you can find are those who have had to overcome rotten events in their lives. IMHO, you'd be a fool to lose this one over your completely invented worries. Go out with him and spend lots of time with him for a minimum of six months. If no red flags appear (and I doubt they will) grab the guy and keep him before someone else has the good sense to.
Author Groovy Posted May 16, 2004 Author Posted May 16, 2004 I was a grad student in psychology and know men like this often times end up being violent themselves. But like you said, so far he is a beautiful person. I guess I tend to over analyze things and think too far ahead.
LILUIL Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 he cant help those bad things happening to him. i think that he didnt have much before its not his fault, he works hard for what he has today, and could turn out to appreciate you a lot. only time can tell..... and dont we all wish we had a crystal ball.... he sounds great from here.
MsLandon Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 I married a man who I had a similar first date experience with. Everything he told me weighed very heavy on my heart. When you think about your own problems, they pale in comparison to others, ya know. Any way, we married and although he was the ideal when we met, our marriage was horrible. They say we spend our adult lives overcoming our childhoods and that is so right. He wasn't abusive physically or anything like that, but issues that he had with his mother he consistantly tried to resolve in our relationship. It was weird. I think that all of our issues, no matter how neatly we clean up our packaging - are bound to explode in our personal relationships. It is inevitable. If you are prepared for that, then I say have at it. Just make a well informed decision and know that how he presents himself in a friendship is not necessarily what you will get in a love relationship. Good luck.
Author Groovy Posted May 22, 2004 Author Posted May 22, 2004 I was a social worker for a few years, so I agree. I guess that's partly why I was worried, I was analyzing it from that standpoint. He has been subjected to serious rejection, his real father was abusive when he remembers him as a toddler and his mother had no respect for herself. Now his brother is abusive as an adult. But I have only been involved with 1 abusive guy in my life, verbally abusive...... that is as far as it got. He has a great sister with her marraige happy, he had parents who were happy and married for 35 years. And he's all messed up. Then I've dated guys no where near the family disaster this guy has, but the alcoholism, the parents divorced and they were divine men. I know T will have issue, I would. He may just get a little clingy during stress or push himself too hard for other's approval. Or he may be abusive to women he get's involved with, or a hundred other circumstance. No one is perfect and some weaknesses we embrace and other's we abandone for our welfare. It will take several months, maybe years to know what these issues come out. Mine too. The great part is he shared with me. I know what to watch out for. If I see any jealousy, possessiveness, verbal abuse, etc I will know to leave immediately. Obviously if he wants to date me a lone because he really likes me or some guy won't take no for an answer and hits on me right in front of him, I know what normal behavior is! As they say, time tells all. Right, I have no crystal ball so that will have to do. FYI, he offered to do my yard work with me. Total bonus points!
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