laotzu Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) I'm assuming the answer is "yes", right? I'm currently semi-seriously dating someone who's thirty-one years old, and while I like her a lot, it doesn't "feel" like my last relationship. I've mostly broken up with girls in their early and mid-twenties, and they haven't taken it well. I'm "nice" in a confident sort of way, and I've always hated breaking up with girls. I much prefer being dumped, which has happened once or twice. She's super-nice and intelligent, and I love hanging out with her - but unfortunately, the sexual attraction isn't there, and I feel like I have a lot of self-growth left before I can commit to someone. I'm not 100% on breaking up, but I'm 90%. Which is basically 100%. Let's be objective: would you prefer that someone breakup with you quickly, or that they slowly let it come to a conclusion? Am I better off calling her or meeting her to tell her that I don't feel like it's working, or slowly letting it draw to a close, so she's anticipating the actual dissolution? I feel like I should slowly create space to telegraph what's about to happen, and then end the relationship. Which won't be easy on me, in a lot of ways, but which is probably the rational and moral thing to do. I'll admit that it bothers me a lot, but I also think that if you're going to be with someone, you want to be very sexually attracted. It's there, but nothing even close to with my ex-girlfriend, which is becoming a significant issue for me. Breaking up with people is enough to make me not want to date. Edited October 11, 2011 by laotzu Clarity
orion1010 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Do it right away and get to the point. Be respectful and honest about how you're not feeling the chemistry "that way," but you respect who she is and care for her as a friend. Don't let things run it's course until she's done with you. That only makes things more hurtful. She will in the end respect you more as well for not dragging things on. Hope that helps.
orion1010 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 oh, to answer your question.. it's not that women have "thicker" skin as they get older, it's that they are more mature and logical. It's how I feel as I am maturing as I get a little older. But, I'm not "old" hehe.
iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm 32. I don't have time to waste, so I wouldn't get in a relationship that I didn't see going somewhere (i.e. leading to marriage). Therefore, I'd be much more disappointed now if it didn't work out than 10 years ago. However, that's not your problem. As the previous poster said, be respectful and break up the "right" way.
january2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm going to be lazy and quote the best advice I've seen on the internet about how to break up with someone as posted by 'Miko' on Ask Metafilter: "While you were gone I had a chance to think about where this might be headed..." I was once on the receiving end of a similar "just not that into you" one-sided breakup, and to this day I still say it was the best breakup I ever had. The guy handled it nobly and masterfully and he should give lessons in how to do it. He emphasized a few points which helped it go down easier: 1. There's certainly nothing wrong with you - we are a great match in a lot of ways - you're smart, attractive, fun to be with, etc (list positive qualities) 2. But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know that it's important to me to have that strong connection by now 3. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I can't deliver it right now. 4. I don't want to be in your way and prevent you experiencing the fabulous life you will soon be living when you are with someone who is ready for you right now, and knowing that's not me I think its' best to free you up 6. I really really really really struggled with this decision because I like you and don't want to hurt you. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure it's the right thing. 7. Do you have any questions for me? It's basically "it's not you, it's me," but with lots of cushioning. The trick seems to be: make it clear that the decision isn't negotiable and you're not wishy-washy on it, but also make it clear that there's nothing wrong with them and there's a lot of really great stuff about them. So it's more "it's not you, it's not me, it's just not a fit, and I was able to see that more clearly when I had a few days away to think about us." In answer to your thread title, I think personality more than age is a better determinant of 'thick-skinnedness'.
Author laotzu Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 I'm going to be lazy and quote the best advice I've seen on the internet about how to break up with someone as posted by 'Miko' on Ask Metafilter: In answer to your thread title, I think personality more than age is a better determinant of 'thick-skinnedness'. That is pretty good advice, overall - I just hope that it actually works that way in transition.
azsinglegal Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Don't drag it on or her on any more then you have to...seriously, worst thing you can do to someone is lead them on. Pretending you want to be with someone is really cruel. Blowing them off is even more frustrating because we don't understand what's going on. Be upfront. Be honest. Be polite. Be understanding. I haven't gotten "thicker skin" as I've aged, not sure if most women do or not. I have a few friends who are in their 50s that are as clueless about men as I was in my 20s. I can say I've become much more cynical tho.
stillafool Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Break up immediately and do it via phone. No need to waste anymore of this poor woman's time.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Is it her age that doesn't make you attracted to her? I only ask because you mentioned that most of your experience is with early to mid-20s women. Also, how old are you? I perfer that someone is upfront and honest. And I would just call her instead of making her go out to meet you and being excited to see you, only to be disappointed by what you have to say. When you break up with her, tell her what you told her. That you really like her as a person, you find her intelligent and kind, but you don't foresee a future. I am always much more appreciative of men that handle this with respect and dignity toward me instead of just letting things phase out where I might be left with a lot of questions. Kudos to you for considering her feelings on how you break up with her.
FitChick Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I prefer a man "draw a line" under the relationship rather than just disappear and leave me wondering. Don't say anything she can argue with -- not feeling any chemistry is not something she can "reason" away. If you say you aren't ready for a commitment, for example, she could say "Let's see how it goes." Say: "You deserve a man who can give you what you want and I'm not that man. I don't want you wasting any more time with me when your Mr Right could be standing on the next corner, blah blah blah..." I agree that it's easier to be dumped than to dump someone. I can handle my own feelings but when you dump someone you have their feelings to deal with as well. Unless you're a sociopath or narcissist.
Thieves Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 For God's sake, no, don't let anything 'dissolve' or 'anticipate' or 'slooowly draw to a close', or 'slooowly create space to telegraph', etc. Reading those words almost made me cringe. Just sounds like pure agony and more confusion on both of your parts. If you've already decided, which it seems you have, then do it right away. You've already loaded the bullets, and your finger's already on the trigger, so... just pull it. So to speak, minus the violent imagery. So yes, do it as soon as possible. It'll be better that way in the end, even if it doesn't seem like it right away.
Anela Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 No, I have much thinner skin than I did before, and feel more bitterness than I ever have in the past.
Author laotzu Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 In general, I get the gist of what everyone is saying - and that's why I was asking, really, because I prefer some "psychological space" before ending a relationship. Anyway, I'm hanging out with her again soon, and then we have no plans after that. I want to see how it goes before making a sort of "final" decision. This is my most serious dating relationship since my LTR, and I really do like her and think she's great - it's just a sexual attraction issue. I want to be sure about ending it before ending it. Thanks for the advice.
Author laotzu Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 No, I have much thinner skin than I did before, and feel more bitterness than I ever have in the past. I am sorry to hear that. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I don't feel bitter, but I do feel sort of hopeless. I really enjoyed being in a relationship when it was good, but I'm afraid I won't find it again.
Author laotzu Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Is it her age that doesn't make you attracted to her? I only ask because you mentioned that most of your experience is with early to mid-20s women. Also, how old are you? I perfer that someone is upfront and honest. And I would just call her instead of making her go out to meet you and being excited to see you, only to be disappointed by what you have to say. When you break up with her, tell her what you told her. That you really like her as a person, you find her intelligent and kind, but you don't foresee a future. I am always much more appreciative of men that handle this with respect and dignity toward me instead of just letting things phase out where I might be left with a lot of questions. Kudos to you for considering her feelings on how you break up with her. It's not her age, it's essentially her overall fitness level and her lack of girlishness. She's healthy and works out a lot, but I'm not very attracted to her body type. She's certainly not unattractive... I just wonder if I spent so long with one person, that I need that sort of physique to be really turned on. Or something else - there's some reason that I'm not extremely turned on by her, which is a bad sign really early in a physical relationship. I'd date someone older, happily. I'm very late twenties.
Fondue Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Yes, as women age, many of them typically "thicken" up naturally, couple it with lack of exercise and good diet, they will surely have a stronger layer of skin.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I don't understand how you got to "semi-serious dating" with a woman you are not sexually attracted to.
stillafool Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Yes, as women age, many of them typically "thicken" up naturally, couple it with lack of exercise and good diet, they will surely have a stronger layer of skin. He didn't say she was fat, he said she works out and is healthy. He said he wasn't attracted to her body type. Which means she may be too skinny, too athletic, too hourglass, but it doesn't mean she is fat.
Author laotzu Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 I don't understand how you got to "semi-serious dating" with a woman you are not sexually attracted to. I'm not sure I'm expressing it correctly; perhaps the better explanation is that I find her sexually attractive, but I don't find sex with her emotionally or psychologically satisfying, which has diminished my initial sexual attraction. I'm seeing her tonight - we'll see how it goes. Going to give it one more shot and hope for the best.
Author laotzu Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 He didn't say she was fat, he said she works out and is healthy. He said he wasn't attracted to her body type. Which means she may be too skinny, too athletic, too hourglass, but it doesn't mean she is fat. Yeah, he's just an idiot. Too much time on internet messageboards. She's not fat at all, she's really just not a really "feminine" body type, I guess. Maybe, to be blunt... I wish she had a bigger derriere... That sorta thing.
Tybalt Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 The particulars of your reason don't really matter as long as you are clear that you want to break up. There usually isn't any going back once those words are uttered. Of course, there are exceptions. In my case, we've ended up in another round after a similar situation with a breakup, though not based on a lack of chemistry issue. That being said, I think he is pulling away again and am actually anticipating he's going to break up with me again when we talk later tonight. Just getting that vibe, and I felt something similar the first time around. I'm not crazy about the anticipation and wish he'd just do it already if that is his intent. I don't want to wonder if the guy is into me or not, or feel like the ax could fall at anytime. That's no fun, and I normally don't have this level of discomfort, so I don't believe it is rooted in my insecurities or paranoia. After all, he has already done this once... She may know something's up already. I agree with the nice version of "it's not you, it's me," but do it right away and then leave her alone to deal with her feelings. I am not enjoying that feeling in the pit of my stomach as I anticipate what I suspect is going to happen. I'd rather have the information and get on with life. I'm in my 30's now. I think I've gotten less naive and more capable of handling emotional distress, and perhaps stay a little more reserved with my emotions after being burned when younger. I've also had enough life experience in general to know that you do survive emotional pain, and it gets better, and there will be new happy times. So maybe I've become more philosophical about it all.
Author laotzu Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 So, this ended. I won't confess to being happy about it, but definitely calmly reflective. I want a relationship pretty badly. This one continued into this week, and then we had a relationship talk. I did something sort of jackassish a few days ago, but recovered. There was definitely a change in the tenor of the relationship, afterwards. Anyway, today we talked, and she wanted to continue dating, but be open to seeing other people - so I ended it. I'm willing to date someone I'm not 100% attracted to, but not someone who might be wasting my time. I feel like if I don't find the person who I'm going to marry by 30, I never will. I'm sure other people have said this, but nevertheless, I'm not particularly pleased.
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