zengirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 As usual people need to chill the fck out, I feel. I don't think it's really a big deal to have a drink or two to loosen up on a first date, unless you're an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic. Not that I agree with your statement --- I think NEEDING a drink for any reason is a precursor to alcoholism personally and would be a red flag for me (after all, most alcoholics won't say they're alcoholics and the idea that alcoholism is some kind of "you have it or you don't" thing isn't really how it works; it starts out as a much smaller thing, generally) --- but the OP isn't doing this. She's doing something much sadder. She's making drinks required to deaden the tedium of dating these men. Not to loosen up and calm her nerves (still an issue if it's a requirement but not the same one). She's essentially using it as a painkiller to get through their bull****. Now, from a modern day perspective, that's probably pretty normal. It's just a shame that most people actively keep themselves unhappy these days. How can it be a positive experience if the best part of the night is the cocktail?
EasyHeart Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I love first dates! A good one can be magical. And even if you end up not wanting to date the other person, you get to spend a few hours talking to a new person, which is always fun.
zengirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Well a lot of first dates aren't fun, positive experiences because first dates tend to be awkward and it's hard to find people you click with. It's not exactly kind to step out in the middle of a date that isn't going well, even if you know you don't want to see the person again. From this perspective I can understand why she'd want to incorporate something she enjoys and can look forward to (having cocktails) into the experience to make it more enjoyable. Sort of like swallowing something sweet with a medicine. I guess some enjoy first dates but a lot of people like myself find them more of a necessary chore. I can understand wanting to have a fun activity on a first date, sure, but there's something unhealthy about leaning on alcohol as a crutch. I'm not saying it's always alcoholism or anything extreme --- in fact, many people do it from time to time. However, if it is a pattern, it's a red flag. I once had a very stressful job, and I would drink every single Friday. Not uncommon in the world, sure, but it was a pattern. I am not an alcoholic by any stretch, but even that was unhealthy because I began to feel that Friday was not Friday without a drink. If anything sounds like a bummer without a drink or any other sort of drug (exceptions being things like surgery and childbirth, where I fully support drugging it up in the hospital), I think that's unhealthy. (My solution was to leave the miserable job.) Though I think iris's problem runs deeper. NONE of these dates are good. That's kind of weird. Also, to some of your points: (a) You're wrong. You can excuse yourself from a date if it's going really poorly; that's generally why those short coffee dates exist. If someone is being a bummer, you can totally tell them you're not having any fun. It's rude if you do it the wrong way OR do it just because you're "not feeling it" but if it's a really bad date, I say: Get out of there. Don't sneak out the window, but say you're tired and want to go home. That's probably true! And for the record, I kind of hate first dates. I just don't think "medicating" myself for them is the answer. Which is not to say I'd see any problem with someone ordering a glass of wine or beer on a first date --- as I said, I don't tend to do it and I'd never accept a date to a bar --- with food or something. Seems normal. But feeling, "Oh, God, that place doesn't have alcohol, I don't want to go there!" is more extreme than that. It's just like anything else: I know people who cannot deal with all kinds of things without being drunk or high or whatever. And it's all a problem, whether it's a big one --- like you can't get through a workday without smoking pot --- or a small one --- like the idea of a first date without alcohol seems painful and daunting. It's just a matter of degrees. But if you cannot do things without medicating, it's not generally good.
Woggle Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Dependence on any kind of substance is not healthy. It should be an accompaniment and not something needed to have a good time.
Thieves Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 From this perspective I can understand why she'd want to incorporate something she enjoys and can look forward to (having cocktails) into the experience to make it more enjoyable. Sort of like swallowing something sweet with a medicine. If someone always sees first dates comparable to swallowing medicine, if it were me, I'd probably stop and think about what's truly making me feel that way. It could be the fact that I don't actually care about any said dates I go on (apathy - which Iris spoke of), or it could be the choice of men I keep choosing to go on dates with... wait... I think I'm onto something... Try not being bored (annoyed might be a better word) when a guy talks in detail about his therapy sessions for the majority of the date. Before that, I carried the entire conversation. His therapy (which he said he will be in forever because he loves it) was the only subject he was engaged in. Or the guy who kept bringing up all the model hot chicks he had slept with. Or the guy who claimed to be separated, but then revealed he still lived with his wife. I just don't have the energy for all that. Though I think iris's problem runs deeper. NONE of these dates are good. That's kind of weird. There we go. Yes, sometimes she becomes so bored with her dates that she feels she needs to have at least a little alcohol to 'soften the blow' and make it at least a little worth it. Not that big of a deal, right? But the way she speaks sounds like she's making it into a habit. Not good, red flag. It really comes down to her apathy, boredom, and choice of men to date. All of this is causing her to want to drink. It makes me wonder where she keeps finding these same men that are so boring to her that she must have a few drinks to get through the dates. Like someone else said, it's a bit sad and also insulting to her dates. If you go on actual dates, regularly, with people who are so unstimulating that you feel you need alcohol in order to endure the situation - that's on you. You should stop. Yes.
thatone Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I feel like many of you are misunderstanding me. I'm not nervous or uncomfortable on dates. I've been on coffee and lunch dates which obviously don't involve alcohol and I feel the same as I do on dates with alcohol: bored and disappointed. Even when I'm mildly entertained, I'm still disappointed. move to new orleans, there are bars open for breakfast .
PlumPrincess Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 If you're truly not interested in your coworker, then you can just say "no"... It's tough dating coworkers anyway. I dated a coworker once. But by the time of our first "date", it's clear that we liked each other. Before that we bonded over bad pizza in the office cafeteria. As in, I'm going to get lunch, why don't you join me. By the time we decided to spend time together outside the office, it was clear that we were both into each other and the activity scheduled for the date was somewhat irrelevant. Hmm, I guess, I can forget my co-worker now. He usually makes sure to meet some co-worker for lunch, but he never asks me.
PlumPrincess Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I thought going out for drinks had acquired a broader meaning and would also include non-alcoholic drinks? I usually just get something without alcohol.
oaks Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Funny, slightly relevant true story that just occurred: My friend just got annoyed with me for refusing to drink. He wants me to go to this beer festival with him. I don’t like drinking during the day, so I declined. Finally, I said I would go, but that I wasn’t drinking. He said that was lame and that I had to drink something! Ordinarily there's nothing wrong with not drinking, but going to a beer festival and not drinking does seem pretty pointless! Your friend is right.
Author iris219 Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 (edited) Ordinarily there's nothing wrong with not drinking, but going to a beer festival and not drinking does seem pretty pointless! Your friend is right. I agree. Update: I went out with the coworker, and if I don't over-analyze a few things he said, the date was pretty normal. Edited October 16, 2011 by iris219
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