Author iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 There are so many cool bars where I live. There are art galleries/bars, neighborhood bars, hipster bars with lots of organic beer selections, wine bars, martini bars, locally owned restaurants with a bar scene and unique atmosphere. A coffeeshop is blah (in my opinion) and I don't want an activity date with someone I don't know well. I typically do dinner on a first date and having a drink just makes the mood more festive. I don't like serious dates or people who take themselves too seriously, and having a drink lightens the mood. As thatone said, a person who isn't into having a drink on a first date probably isn't the guy for me anyway.
thatone Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Has nothing to do with Asian culture, as I said it's the expat culture over there. Everything is done over drinks. Expats are big drinkers. And a lot of them are not American (I actually never dated American boys when I was abroad---Brits, Kiwis, Aussies, locals. . . but never Americans) and the pub culture in other countries appeals to me as well. America has no such "neighborhood pub" culture for the most part. There are a few spots I'd consider like that, but I know literally everyone who goes there, so I'd be okay with going there on a first date but if a guy asked to, he'd probably be someone I already knew! As I said, I have no problem grabbing drinks with someone I already know well. I think it's inappropriate if you've only met a few times though and inappropriate as an actual first date. I don't believe there are any good U.S. bars for the kind of first dates I'd want to go on. And, as I said, if I've just met someone, I want us both to be quite sober, ideally. The expat culture was an exception here, as well, because I knew everyone in my neighborhood who spoke English pretty much. Much smaller circle. So, it was more like we were always friends long before we went out. Even then, I never went to a pub for a first date. At least not at the get-off. We went for food first. it depends on the city you're in. new orleans has neighborhood bars like that all over town. and 'bars' like pat o'briens that have a restaurant section that even kids can go into. you should open a neighborhood bar to solve the problem!
Beachgirl8 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Coffee shops are where I meet up with business clients when we are both on the road. They are where I used to study when I was in college. Not very date-like in my opinion. Although I have agreed to coffee dates before, and they were fine- it was like a first stop to make sure that we wanted to continue the conversation, then we went to dinner and had a drink. Does he want to just do coffee? Maybe he's trying to be polite and not jump right in to the whole "date" atmosphere since you work together. That way if you don't click, it's not a big deal.
EasyHeart Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I once met a pretty blonde at a party who turned out to be a local TV news reporter. At the end of the evening as we were saying good-bye, I said, "Let's have dinner sometime." She seemed hesitant and said, "Dinner is hard because of work. . ." I wasn't going to let her get away with that, so I quickly jumped in and said, "Or lunch. Or coffee. Or we can share a bag of popcorn while we walk around downtown. Or I can come over to your house and wash your windows. It really doesn't matter. I'm just looking for an excuse to see you again and get to know you better." She laughed, gave me her phone number and told me to call her. Every date is just an excuse to spend time with the other person. What you do should be completely irrelevant.
Author iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Every date is just an excuse to spend time with the other person. What you do should be completely irrelevant. This is true, IF you're intensely drawn to the other person. I haven't felt drawn to anyone in 6 years, so dating for me is foremost about doing something I enjoy doing. The person I'm with is secondary, unfortunately, because I haven't met anyone I'd want to get to know better in years.
thatone Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 There are so many cool bars where I live. There are art galleries/bars, neighborhood bars, hipster bars with lots of organic beer selections, wine bars, martini bars, locally owned restaurants with a bar scene and unique atmosphere. A coffeeshop is blah (in my opinion) and I don't want an activity date with someone I don't know well. I typically do dinner on a first date and having a drink just makes the mood more festive. I don't like serious dates or people who take themselves too seriously, and having a drink lightens the mood. As thatone said, a person who isn't into having a drink on a first date probably isn't the guy for me anyway. i agree, and honestly, 2 drinks is plenty and it does ease up the mood. if you limit yourself to 2 you'll be plenty sober to drive by the time the date is done, and you won't have to worry about doing anything stupid. non-drinkers don't know what they're missing...
Author iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 i agree, and honestly, 2 drinks is plenty and it does ease up the mood. if you limit yourself to 2 you'll be plenty sober to drive by the time the date is done, and you won't have to worry about doing anything stupid. non-drinkers don't know what they're missing... Yep. It must be a Southern thang.
Cypress25 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Do you have any idea how many chicks I've slept with who never would've even considered it had they not been nice and tipsy? All of em How embarrassing for you. I typically do dinner on a first date and having a drink just makes the mood more festive. I don't like serious dates or people who take themselves too seriously, and having a drink lightens the mood. This is the problem. Most people can have fun without alcohol. You can't. You NEED alcohol to lighten the mood, and that's not normal. A sober date doesn't have to be a serious date. And just because someone doesn't drink doesn't mean they take themselves too seriously. It just means they're capable of relaxing and having fun without alcohol. That's a skill you should probably learn. a person who isn't into having a drink on a first date probably isn't the guy for me anyway. Why do you judge people by what they drink? You're saying you would judge a guy negatively if he doesn't depend on alcohol the way you do. Your relationship with alcohol is unhealthy, I don't know why you'd go looking for a guy who has the same level of insecurity in social situations as you.
EasyHeart Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Did you ever get to go on a date with this woman?Yes. We ended up dating for quite a while.
EasyHeart Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 This is true, IF you're intensely drawn to the other person. I haven't felt drawn to anyone in 6 years, so dating for me is foremost about doing something I enjoy doing. The person I'm with is secondary, unfortunately, because I haven't met anyone I'd want to get to know better in years.Gah! If you're not "drawn to" a guy, then don't go out with him!
thatone Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 How embarrassing for you. This is the problem. Most people can have fun without alcohol. You can't. You NEED alcohol to lighten the mood, and that's not normal. A sober date doesn't have to be a serious date. And just because someone doesn't drink doesn't mean they take themselves too seriously. It just means they're capable of relaxing and having fun without alcohol. That's a skill you should probably learn. Why do you judge people by what they drink? You're saying you would judge a guy negatively if he doesn't depend on alcohol the way you do. Your relationship with alcohol is unhealthy, I don't know why you'd go looking for a guy who has the same level of insecurity in social situations as you. if you don't drink, that's fine, but i don't see why you have a problem with those who do. it's legal. in moderation there's nothing wrong with it. i like to drink, why would i want to be with a non drinker? you think a non drinker is going to be happy hanging around an extra hour waiting on me to be legal to drive? would a non drinker enjoy being around a bunch of people with alcohol breath? it's a personal preference, there is no right or wrong about it.
Author iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 This is the problem. Most people can have fun without alcohol. You can't. You NEED alcohol to lighten the mood, and that's not normal. A sober date doesn't have to be a serious date. And just because someone doesn't drink doesn't mean they take themselves too seriously. It just means they're capable of relaxing and having fun without alcohol. That's a skill you should probably learn. Why do you judge people by what they drink? You're saying you would judge a guy negatively if he doesn't depend on alcohol the way you do. Your relationship with alcohol is unhealthy, I don't know why you'd go looking for a guy who has the same level of insecurity in social situations as you. How can you ask me why I judge a guy based on his drinking habits when you’re judging me? Why do you judge people based on their drinking habits? You judging me isn’t even necessary because we’re never going to spend time together, unlike a guy I date. Also, did you miss the part where I said I don’t drink much? I'm in no way insecure in social situations. Quite the contrary. I'm not sure where that came from.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I prefer not to drink on first dates. It's time to face the music and be who I really am. This was so even before I started medication which happened to help social anxiety. It just is a smarter way to be. If the date involves a dance club, I'd nurse a beer for quite a while. I appreciate that in a woman too. I'd prefer to find that she doesn't regret anything she's said to me and gives off cues as to whether she really wants to be with me or not.
Cypress25 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 if you don't drink, that's fine, but i don't see why you have a problem with those who do. it's legal. in moderation there's nothing wrong with it. I don't have a problem with people who drink. I have a problem with people who NEED alcohol. That's dependence, which leads to addiction. i like to drink, why would i want to be with a non drinker? you think a non drinker is going to be happy hanging around an extra hour waiting on me to be legal to drive? would a non drinker enjoy being around a bunch of people with alcohol breath? Why not? I'm a non-drinker, but all my friends drink in moderation. I have no problem hanging out with them when they're drinking. The guys I date tend to be light drinkers, and that's fine. I wouldn't want to date an alcoholic, nor would I want to be around people who deliberately breathe right in my face when their breath stinks. But why you think drinkers and non-drinkers can't get along is beyond me. How can you ask me why I judge a guy based on his drinking habits when you’re judging me? Why do you judge people based on their drinking habits? I don't judge people based on their drinking habits. You can drink whatever you want, the problem is your attitude about what you drink. You rely on alcohol to cope with uncomfortable situations. You use it as a crutch, which is unhealthy. Also, did you miss the part where I said I don’t drink much? I saw that, but even if you don't drink much, the fact that you need to drink in order to enjoy a date is troubling. I'm in no way insecure in social situations. Quite the contrary. I'm not sure where that came from. It came from your obvious discomfort with the idea of going on a date that doesn't involve alcohol. If you like to drink, that's fine, but if you can't enjoy yourself without drinking, that's a bad sign.
thatone Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 i think you're reading way too much into all of this. go look up a medical description of the effects of alcohol, "euphoria" is right there at the top of the list. it makes you feel better. what's wrong with that? i don't 'need' alcohol, and am in no way addicted to it, but is there more and better conversation on dates where both parties have a couple of drinks rather than have water or coffee? yes, it's a fact. again, i don't see what the problem is.
Author iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 I saw that, but even if you don't drink much, the fact that you need to drink in order to enjoy a date is troubling. I agree that this is troubling, but it's not about the drinking. I'd prefer to drink because I want to be doing something other than simply talking to the person I'm with. Really, a date for me is just an excuse to get out of the house and be around people. As I said above, it's been many years since I've met a man I'd actually want to date. I date just to be social, not because I feel any romantic spark with the guy (although I hope there will a spark, it never happens). If I liked the guy, I don't think it would matter what we did. Now I'm getting depressed!
Highness Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 In Sydney and London, where Ive done most of my dating, it would be extremely strange to have a first date without alcohol. Actually the whole 'dating' process is much more lax, usually starting with 'catching up for drinks' a few times before anything more formal. But these countries have a much bigger drinking culture than the US - and in my opinion are much more relaxed about dating generally. I once got asked out on a 'coffee date' and assumed the guy was in AA or something. I was right!
Thieves Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 This is the problem. Most people can have fun without alcohol. You can't. You NEED alcohol to lighten the mood, and that's not normal. A sober date doesn't have to be a serious date. And just because someone doesn't drink doesn't mean they take themselves too seriously. It just means they're capable of relaxing and having fun without alcohol. That's a skill you should probably learn. Yes. This is nearly what I was going to say. It's how Iris says she feels uncomfortable if there is not alcohol somehow involved in the first date/activity. It's when a person can't enjoy themself during social activities without drinking or having any type alcohol that it starts to become a problem. Because then it becomes a need to have a few drinks, and not simply a desire. The fact that she described dates as 'serious' - a.k.a., boring - when not involving at least a little alcohol also rang a bell to me. If you can't relax and function comfortably around people you don't know while being completely sober, that doesn't sound good to me. If you truly see yourself as a fun and social person, then this shouldn't really be a problem. Methinks it would be a good idea to get know someone sober first, and then maybe for a second date go to whichever bar you wish.
Nexus One Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I agree that this is troubling, but it's not about the drinking. I'd prefer to drink because I want to be doing something other than simply talking to the person I'm with. Really, a date for me is just an excuse to get out of the house and be around people. As I said above, it's been many years since I've met a man I'd actually want to date. I date just to be social, not because I feel any romantic spark with the guy (although I hope there will a spark, it never happens). If I liked the guy, I don't think it would matter what we did. Now I'm getting depressed! Ok now I'm confused, as you seem to mention a few contradictory things. 1. a) You say you are looking for a suitable SO. b) Yet you say you only date for the social aspect of it. 2. a) You say you don't like dating. b) Yet you say you date for the social aspect of it. Since you don't like dating though Iris, if you had your way, how would you go about doing things? Would you rather just hang out? Just go for a walk and have a talk? What would be your ideal way of checking for compatibility with a guy?
Thieves Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I date just to be social, not because I feel any romantic spark with the guy (although I hope there will a spark, it never happens). If I liked the guy, I don't think it would matter what we did. Do the people you date know this? Maybe this is a whole other thread, I'm not sure. And there's no need to get depressed, Iris, we're just trying to help you out here.
Author iris219 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) Ok now I'm confused, as you seem to mention a few contradictory things. 1. a) You say you are looking for a suitable SO. b) Yet you say you only date for the social aspect of it. 2. a) You say you don't like dating. b) Yet you say you date for the social aspect of it. Since you don't like dating though Iris, if you had your way, how would you go about doing things? Would you rather just hang out? Just go for a walk and have a talk? What would be your ideal way of checking for compatibility with a guy? 1 a) Yes, I'm definitely looking for a suitable SO b) Yes, I date for the social aspect because I date guys I'm not really into. Maybe I'll make a new friend or have a fun night. 2 a) I don't like dating in that it's disappointing that's there's never a connection. b) Going on a date with someone who isn't going to be a love connection can be better than sitting at home alone (sometimes). Guess I have a love/hate relationship with dating. There's no ideal way to check for compatibility. Ideally, there would just be some connection with someone, but that never happens. I would like to feel something before the first date. I don't, so that's why I have a hard time getting excited. Edited October 12, 2011 by iris219
Author iris219 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Do the people you date know this? Maybe this is a whole other thread, I'm not sure. And there's no need to get depressed, Iris, we're just trying to help you out here. I think it might be another thread indeed. What do they need to know? I go out with them hoping something will develop. That's what dating is, right?
Thieves Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I think it might be another thread indeed. What do they need to know? I go out with them hoping something will develop. That's what dating is, right? Well, it's probably a good thing for them to know you're not actually 'dating' them because you feel a romantic spark/connection, but because you're just hoping to maybe get a good friend out of it or to just have a good time. Just so each person knows where they stand and it can prevent one person from getting hurt. Otherwise, they could just be going along with it and develop romantic feelings for you, thinking the entire time that you feel the same because you keep spending time alone with them.
Author iris219 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Well, it's probably a good thing for them to know you're not actually 'dating' them because you feel a romantic spark/connection, but because you're just hoping to maybe get a good friend out of it or to just have a good time. Just so each person knows where they stand and it can prevent one person from getting hurt. Otherwise, they could just be going along with it and develop romantic feelings for you, thinking the entire time that you feel the same because you keep spending time alone with them. I only go on one or two dates before it's clear I'm not going to feel anything. I don't lead anyone on. I haven't agreed to a 3rd date in years.
Cypress25 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 go look up a medical description of the effects of alcohol, "euphoria" is right there at the top of the list. it makes you feel better. what's wrong with that? Alcohol is a drug, which means the euphoria is fake and temporary. It's not based on your real feelings, it's just your brain being manipulated by a substance. People get hooked on that feeling, so they turn to alcohol every time they want to feel better. i don't 'need' alcohol, and am in no way addicted to it, but is there more and better conversation on dates where both parties have a couple of drinks rather than have water or coffee? yes, it's a fact. If that's a fact of your life, that's pretty sad. That's certainly not the case for everyone. I've been on plenty of dates where neither of us had anything to drink, and we weren't lacking for great conversation. I've never found that alcohol improved my social interactions. I wouldn't want to date someone who used alcohol to make himself more interesting or otherwise improve his personality. That's not the real him, that's just the booze-diluted version of himself. If he's only fun when he's had a few drinks, no thanks. I'd prefer to drink because I want to be doing something other than simply talking to the person I'm with. Haven't you ever dated someone that you actually wanted to talk to? In any case, there are plenty of fun activities you could do on a date that don't involve alcohol, but you've made it clear that alcohol must be involved somehow. So I suspect it really is about the drinking. Otherwise, there are numerous things you could do on a date besides drink.
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