iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I just realized there's no way I'd want to go a first date that doesn't involve alcohol. A coworker just asked me out (that should be another thread!). He suggested coffee or drinks. There's no way I'd want to do coffee. Spending an evening drinking coffee and talking to a practical stranger sounds awful! If I have to talk some dude I'm probably not going to want to see again (honestly, isn't that what usually happens?), I at least want to have a drink so it doesn't seem like a total waste of time. Also, getting coffee just seems like an excuse, whereas a drink is a more social and natural thing to do in the evening. Coffee is like "Hey, let's pretend to want to drink coffee while we figure out if we'd like to sleep together." No thanks! FTR, I'm not a big drinker. I don't drink at home and when I go out, I'll have 1-2 drinks. Is this weird? Does anyone else feel this way?
Cypress25 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Sounds like you need to learn how to control your social anxiety without alcohol. As a crutch, it only works for so long.
Imageiko Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 FTR, I'm not a big drinker. r u sure?! Whats the fuss about, he gave you a choice, pick drinks over coffee. I usually favor drinks as a first date as well but if they're only free in the day time it becomes less kocher to go to a bar.
Author iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 r u sure?! Whats the fuss about, he gave you a choice, pick drinks over coffee. I usually favor drinks as a first date as well but if they're only free in the day time it becomes less kocher to go to a bar. It's an evening date, as my dates usually are. I don't like daytime first dates. I hate dating period, so I guess I try to make them as painless as possible. I really don't drink much at all!
fatalcharm Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 This is an issue that I have, I have always had friends who have been big-drinkers. I don't mean that they get smashed all the time, but every social situation has alcohol involved. Because of this, I struggle in social situations without alcohol. I can become quite shy. I don't have to drink heaps, even if I just had a glass of wine sitting in front of me untouched, is enough for me to feel a little more comfortable and less shy. I don't know why this is, I guess it is just the way I have been conditioned over time. Coffee dates really bug me, I don't know why anyone would want to drink coffee late in the day as it keeps me awake all night, but people like to do it. I guess it is because it is a "no pressure" kind of date, where if you find that the person is a little boring, you can finish your coffee and end the date. I always feel awkward on coffee dates and they rarely go well. If the date includes a drink or two at a local bar and perhaps a game of pool, then I seem to be more relaxed and in my element and I find it easier to be myself. That is me though, I am a big drinker (although that doesn't mean that I always get drunk, it just means that I like to have a drink in social situations) and I am probably better off going on a date with someone who is similar to me in that sense.
Andy_K Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm the same. I mean, I don't even drink coffee. Why on earth would I go on a 'coffee date'? I can't think of anything more mundane. If it's not something I ever do with friends, why would I do it with a stranger? It doesn't have to involve alcohol, but it has to involve something.
Jynxx Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Is it that you want to go to a place that serves alcohol because the atmosphere around there is more fun or do you really want to have a drink or two to loosen up the conversation?
Andy_K Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 If that's your attitude then why accept offers to go on dates? I never use the word date anyway, it sounds way too formal and I don't really do formal in the initial stages of dating anyway. To be honest, you sound like dire company and I guess that's why you're single? It sounds a little ironic to me that you're all about not being formal, yet somehow at the same time uptight enough about it that you're dead against the word 'date'. If you meet up with someone of the opposite sex for the first time, with both of you single and looking to get to know each other, you both know full well what it is. Calling it or not calling it a 'date' really isn't going to matter.
somedude81 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 There's also the cost factor involved. Going to a bar for a first date, could end up costing around $40 assuming he is paying for you, which you probably expect. Getting coffee costs $10. Maybe he had bad experiences taking girls to bars for a first date. Or he probably just doesn't want to have alcohol invovled and feels he doesn't need it.
Author iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 I'm the same. I mean, I don't even drink coffee. Why on earth would I go on a 'coffee date'? I can't think of anything more mundane. If it's not something I ever do with friends, why would I do it with a stranger? It doesn't have to involve alcohol, but it has to involve something. I guess it's simply this. I never meet friends for coffee, so it seems so staged, whereas I get drinks with friends regularly. I also hate dates that feel like dates rather than two people just hanging out. In my experience, I've also found guys who suggest coffee don't know what else to suggest, and aren't very fun or social.
thatone Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 i have never suggested coffee as a date, it's something people do on their way to doing something else, imo. and yeah, i drink regardless of whether the date is bar or restaurant. in fact i always point out on first dates not at bars when the waiter comes around that "don't worry about impressions i may or may not have about you ordering alcohol, because i'm drinking either way". if the woman in question isn't at least a social drinker we're probably not gonna get along well anyways.
zengirl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm not a huge fan of the coffee date, generally speaking, though it doesn't bother me either. It's usually good for online dates in a "Let's meet and see if we hate each other first" way and then you usually either make an excuse if you're not into each other or go get dinner, if you are. And I love daytime dates without alcohol for first dates! Mini golf, brunch and a walk, an outdoor festival or concert. . . awesome early dates. Actually, I rarely drink on a first date. I want to figure out if I actually dig the person and would like hanging around them all the time, and alcohol makes that issue fuzzy. Not that there's anything wrong with a glass of wine or something, but for me, alcohol actually has no place on a first date. I'm completely the opposite. In fact, I'd be put off if a guy in the U.S. asked me to meet him for drinks on a first date (in Korea and Japan, this was a little bit different because of how the Western expat culture is over there---it's a pretty typical meet, and bars themselves are different); I would think he was just interested in someone easy and fun in the meantime, not something serious at all. I'd never ever go just grab drinks with a man in a romantic way unless he was already a friend of mine. With friends? Absolutely. All my relationships, though, have started with the same first date, ironically: dinner. I know everyone says it's a boring date, but it's the easiest way to talk. And in the States, I never had any alcohol with said dinner. (Different abroad.)
WhiteChocolate Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 ...asking friends, acquaintances, and strangers out for coffee is super-commonplace where I am. Of course, I am underage, so going out for drinks is a tad more difficult. When I turn 21 I'll be sure to switch from coffee --> alcohol
irc333 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 If you have a hang up of what fluid to drink when you go out with someone, there are deeper issues here than just not wanting to drink coffee or whatever. If you're actually reading INTO this or hold some meaning to the drink type...sorry, but you have bigger issues.
thatone Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm not a huge fan of the coffee date, generally speaking, though it doesn't bother me either. It's usually good for online dates in a "Let's meet and see if we hate each other first" way and then you usually either make an excuse if you're not into each other or go get dinner, if you are. And I love daytime dates without alcohol for first dates! Mini golf, brunch and a walk, an outdoor festival or concert. . . awesome early dates. Actually, I rarely drink on a first date. I want to figure out if I actually dig the person and would like hanging around them all the time, and alcohol makes that issue fuzzy. Not that there's anything wrong with a glass of wine or something, but for me, alcohol actually has no place on a first date. I'm completely the opposite. In fact, I'd be put off if a guy in the U.S. asked me to meet him for drinks on a first date (in Korea and Japan, this was a little bit different because of how the Western expat culture is over there---it's a pretty typical meet, and bars themselves are different); I would think he was just interested in someone easy and fun in the meantime, not something serious at all. I'd never ever go just grab drinks with a man in a romantic way unless he was already a friend of mine. With friends? Absolutely. All my relationships, though, have started with the same first date, ironically: dinner. I know everyone says it's a boring date, but it's the easiest way to talk. And in the States, I never had any alcohol with said dinner. (Different abroad.) sounds like you have an idealistic vision of asian versus US culture for some reason. there are bars for dates, bars for dancing/music, bars for sports, and bars for just drinkin' . the right type of bar for a date makes a difference.
Imajerk17 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I just realized there's no way I'd want to go a first date that doesn't involve alcohol. A coworker just asked me out (that should be another thread!). He suggested coffee or drinks. There's no way I'd want to do coffee. Spending an evening drinking coffee and talking to a practical stranger sounds awful! If I have to talk some dude I'm probably not going to want to see again (honestly, isn't that what usually happens?), I at least want to have a drink so it doesn't seem like a total waste of time. Also, getting coffee just seems like an excuse, whereas a drink is a more social and natural thing to do in the evening. Coffee is like "Hey, let's pretend to want to drink coffee while we figure out if we'd like to sleep together." No thanks! FTR, I'm not a big drinker. I don't drink at home and when I go out, I'll have 1-2 drinks. Is this weird? Does anyone else feel this way? With that sunny optimistic attitude of yours, I betcha men are just beating down your door! What's a guy to do? Many women don't like drinks for a first meet because they reason "maybe he's just trying to get me drunk". Seriously, you were complaining before how no one asks you out and then when someone does, you're bitching because you'd prefer he do something else. Look, it's just two people sharing space and energy. Lighten up.
Author iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Why should men invest their time, effort and money on a first date? You're just a date to this man, nothing more, that's probably why men suggest this. Also you don't exactly seem like a barrel of laughs and fun yourself. In fact it seems like you can't be social without a drink, so technically you're socially retarded. I don't expect anyone to pay for me and a drink costs around 4 bucks where I live anyway. Actually, I'm a lot of fun. I have a lot of friends and a dynamic social life.
Imajerk17 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) If you're truly not interested in your coworker, then you can just say "no"... It's tough dating coworkers anyway. I dated a coworker once. But by the time of our first "date", it's clear that we liked each other. Before that we bonded over bad pizza in the office cafeteria. As in, I'm going to get lunch, why don't you join me. By the time we decided to spend time together outside the office, it was clear that we were both into each other and the activity scheduled for the date was somewhat irrelevant. Edited October 11, 2011 by Imajerk17
grkBoy Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Is this weird? Does anyone else feel this way? I think coffee can be just as much a sociable drink as alcohol, but it depends on where you go. A diner is not going to cut it, and Starbucks IMHO is like taking someone to McDonald's. I'm not sure if every town has it, but I'd seek out the more privately-owned cafes where it's truly a social spot. Many might even have full bars. [/url]Iguana Cafe in Chicago is a European style cafe with coffee, alcohol, and nice food. It's an ideal date spot. Now tell me you would reject a guy who would take you there. Would you frown if he got a latte while you got a cocktail? IMHO the person asking the other person out should use their imagination when picking a place. If a girl is going to judge me because I chose a lounge or cafe as opposed to some bar where people are chugging shots, then it says to me she's not the kind of girl I want. I've known girls who seemingly can only think "drinking" when they go out, even if they don't get drunk. Not judging you or others here who feel as you do, but I notice those girls tend to also end up with plenty of douchebags.
Author iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 If you're truly not interested in your coworker, then you can just say "no"... It's tough dating coworkers anyway. I dated a coworker once. But by the time of our first "date", it's clear that we liked each other. Before that we bonded over bad pizza in the office cafeteria. As in, I'm going to get lunch, why don't you join me. By the time we decided to spend time together outside the office, it was clear that we were both into each other and the activity scheduled for the date was somewhat irrelevant. I don't know if I'm interested in my coworker; I barely know him. I've always avoided him because I had a suspicion that he would ask me out.
Author iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 You can just flat out reject him you know? I don't want to reject him. I might like him if I got to know him; I simply don't know the guy. I think he's avoided me as well.
grkBoy Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I guess it's simply this. I never meet friends for coffee, so it seems so staged, whereas I get drinks with friends regularly. I also hate dates that feel like dates rather than two people just hanging out. In my experience, I've also found guys who suggest coffee don't know what else to suggest, and aren't very fun or social. Different strokes for different folks. When I left my last job (entertainment company), I also stopped going to bars and clubs. The people I knew in those establishments were binge drinkers who acted like crazy college kids...even into their 30s. It's their thing, but not mine. If I met you and you were all about bar-hopping, then I would simply see it as we're not a good match. I would have cocktails, but I am into cafes, so it would say we're not a good match. NOW...I can see people who don't drink alcohol as feeling threatened or worried that their lack of desire for alcohol will be their "red flag". All I can tell you is to keep seeking out people who are like you. It's funny now how all my friends and I barely ever drink alcohol anymore. Just doesn't seem fun for us compared to a soda or a latte. It's a great big world, and not everyone is a drinker.
zengirl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 sounds like you have an idealistic vision of asian versus US culture for some reason. there are bars for dates, bars for dancing/music, bars for sports, and bars for just drinkin' . the right type of bar for a date makes a difference. Has nothing to do with Asian culture, as I said it's the expat culture over there. Everything is done over drinks. Expats are big drinkers. And a lot of them are not American (I actually never dated American boys when I was abroad---Brits, Kiwis, Aussies, locals. . . but never Americans) and the pub culture in other countries appeals to me as well. America has no such "neighborhood pub" culture for the most part. There are a few spots I'd consider like that, but I know literally everyone who goes there, so I'd be okay with going there on a first date but if a guy asked to, he'd probably be someone I already knew! As I said, I have no problem grabbing drinks with someone I already know well. I think it's inappropriate if you've only met a few times though and inappropriate as an actual first date. I don't believe there are any good U.S. bars for the kind of first dates I'd want to go on. And, as I said, if I've just met someone, I want us both to be quite sober, ideally. The expat culture was an exception here, as well, because I knew everyone in my neighborhood who spoke English pretty much. Much smaller circle. So, it was more like we were always friends long before we went out. Even then, I never went to a pub for a first date. At least not at the get-off. We went for food first.
CocoaBrown Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 It's an evening date, as my dates usually are. I don't like daytime first dates. I hate dating period, so I guess I try to make them as painless as possible. I really don't drink much at all! I actually prefer daytime first dates because there is less pressure. If I don't like him it's like ok coffee/tea was nice but I'm gonna keep it movin' now lol It also gives us the chance to take it into the evening if we like each other.
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