AnBeLa Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 OK, I just don't know what to do. I started dating my boyfriend while he was still in the army. We fell in love (i had already known him for 6 years) it was long distance for several months and then he moved in with me. everything went downhill after that. Now I realize that we went about it the wrong way, we should have lived separately, dated, then tried to live together. I'm 23 and he is 26. We planned our future together and were madly in love, he was even calling me his future wife, then we started fighting all the time, he did some things in the past that i was never able to let go of, and things were just generally miserable. So, four days ago i told him i was too unhappy in the situation and i wanted to end things. by the next day he had gotten an apartment and moved out. now, all of a sudden i am even more miserable than before. When i try to talk to him he is distant and it seems like he doesn't care. this is killing me and it doesn't seem to phase him. i know we need time apart, but i don't know if we are on a break or if we are broken up. when i ask him he says he doesn't know, and i asked about seeing other people and he said that he wouldn't stop me from seeing other people. but if he started seeing someone else it would kill me. he says he still loves me, but he needs time. I don't even know what i want anymore, but i can't stand the thought of not having him in my life. so, what do i do? how long do i hold on to hope for? he says he was just tired of the fighting, and there are certain things he can't live with, and he needs time to think about how he feels about me. I was the one who ended it, now why do i feel like i made a mistake even though i know i was miserable? i am so depressed and i cry a lot. i just don't know what to do anymore. any feedback is appreciated.
moimeme Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 Now I realize that we went about it the wrong way, we should have lived separately, dated, then tried to live together Unfortunately, you figured this out too late. You have to get used to the rest of the 3D person as it is before you then go for the really difficult step of living together. With luck, with the pressures of living together not weighing on you both, he'll be able to get some perspective on whether you're really his best match. Unfortunately, once damage of any sort is done, it can be hard to undo. I hope it works out for you.
Author AnBeLa Posted May 16, 2004 Author Posted May 16, 2004 has anyone ever had a relationship survive something like this, if so, how did you do it? how do you get over the hurts? is it worth trying again?
Evanescence Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 The end of January my bf of 5 1/2 yrs broke up with me. It was the most pain I think i had ever gone through and i wish it upon no one. It completely screwed me over. My average in school went from 84% to 67% and now I don't know if i can even make it into my program next year. I lost 25 lbs because I was too nauseous to eat, never thought about suicide, but wished for death. I didn't want to do anything. But one thing that I did do was talk ... i was on the phone every night with my friends and family. I saw a counsellor for 3 months even. She told me the best thing I could do was talk to people about it. You just have to realize WHO you can talk to about it. You may have broken up with him, but now it is him who seems to have control over you two getting back together... so it's kind of similar to my situation. Honestly, give it time. You will either both realize that you want to be together, or maybe you'll eventually realize that you are better apart. Or maybe both of you, after time apart and possibly with other people, will realize that you want to be back together. My advice is forget hope. Honestly... I found that having hope that me and my ex would get back together is what held me in the depression that i was in. Once i realized that i was holding onto hope and that i wasn't getting anywhere, only making myself worse... i started to get better. I realized that this was a chance to start over new. Sure i was comfortable where i was before, sure i LOVED where I was before, but i decided to make the most out of it. I spoiled myself by getting my hair done (A LOT), exercising, getting my nails done, shopping... typical girl stuff (and i really don't do typcical girly stuff..but i'll admit, it felt really good to take that much care of myself). You DID want the break up... now you are thinking you don't... but that's just because it's hard without him. You still did love him, even though things weren't working out. You guys broke up for a reason.. remember that. If you get back together, most likely that reason won't go away, it'll still be there, and everything will still suck. They say that breaking up is harder for ther person who does the actual breaking up than it is for the person being broken up with. Best thing to do is try to have communication down to a minimum....go cold turkey. If you keep teasing yourself with communication with him, you won't allow yourself to have a clear head. Over the last few months, every time i talked to my ex, my thoughts got cloudy and i started to fall back to where i was initially (and many ppl say they experience the same thing). Why go through all that work just to be spoiled by one conversation and end up where u were? I think even though right now you may think it was a mistake... it might not have been. You just miss him, and how things use to be. Give yourself some time and see what happens... i'm talking months here... minimum a month and a half. It takes AT LEAST that much time to see that your life is good without that person that once WAS your life. I'll admit, I still think about my ex. We dated a long time. And we only broke up 3 months ago, so naturally thoughts still run through my head. But life is MUCH MUCH easier. It took me about a month and a half to start moving on. Now he has a new gf (actually started dating her a week after we broke up... claims he didn't break up with me FOR her though...), and me and my new bf's one month anniversary is monday. I just talked to my ex last monday night, and i realize now that this was the right thing. He seems much happier with his new gf and i'm happier with my new bf. It just took a while to realize that the right thing was done. Ok, so sorry to bore you with my silly details, but my bottom line is just give it time. if in two months u still want him in ur life, then maybe try approaching him again. But for now, realize that you made your bed, now you have to lie in it. Experience what you asked for, cuz u might regret it in the future if u don't. Who knows, u might get back together, and u might not. Right now doesn't seem like a good time though. Sit back, relax, talk to friends/hang out with friends, spoil yourself, and enjoy this time.
Author AnBeLa Posted May 17, 2004 Author Posted May 17, 2004 the problem is that this is the guy i see myself with, just not right now. our lives are going in different directions, he's got a career and i'm still a student, and i dont want bad timing to screw up something that could work. i also just spent an enormous amount of money b/c we rented a house together ( 3 days later he moved out), my best friend dropped me 6 months ago for some jerk, and i don't have a good support system of people i can talk to. i can't afford a shrink, i cant even afford to get my hair done, and i feel myself sinking lower and lower into a depression which makes me miss the comfort of him even more. sigh.
chubachoop Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 If you dont want to be with him now then stop thinking about getting back with him. Stop contact and give yourself time to get over him. If you get back together in the future when your both ready then let that just happen naturally, forget about it for now though. Concentrate on your studies and on making new friends, building your life up again. Keep in mind, whenever you feel down, the reasons you broke up with him. You were unhappy so you ended it. Just move on and find happiness, good luck
Evanescence Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 What is just as good, if not better, is posting stuff on this website... this is an AWESOME support system.. And not only on your own post. If you go to other threads and try and help other people out, it helps you out. I found that helped HUGE. Just talking to other people who were/did go through thing, help a lot. Helping other people is another way to make yourself feel good, and boost your self esteem. As for the student thing, i hear ya. Me and my ex were like that. He never went to school, so he didn't understand what it was like. He wanted to go on vacation during my spring break, but i couldn't because i had 3 midterms scheduled the week I got back, so i needed that week to study, and it made him upset. He actually used it as one of the reasons we broke up.. after 5 1/2 years... something that little acted as one of the factors to break us up! But the student, non student relationship is hard. My current bf is a student also, and i find he is SO much more understanding,. We are in somewhat similar programs, so that helps too. When i talk about school he isn't as clueless as my ex was.. it's great! So just realize that there are things that broke you two up, and they are probably good reasons. If stuff was meant to be between you two, it will be, but just not right now. It may also never be. Things will happen the way they are suppose to (hard to believe probably right now.. took me forever to accept that). Even though you don't have money, just try and look for other things you can do to make yourself feel better.
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