That_girl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I have been dating this person for about 3 months now. Casually. I know he doesn't like labels and he doesn't like calling it a "friends with benefits" type thing, but that's exactly what it's starting to feel like. Or at least I think it is, because I don't generally do that sort of thing- but I did sleep with him on our second date and ever since then. Last week, the condom broke during sex and we had a bit of a scare. I had to take the morning after pill and he offered to pay for it, but I ended up getting it myself. So he did call me that night to make plans to see me again, but ends up blowing me off. When I called him, he said he forgot and that he couldn't make it that night...so we rescheduled for the next night. Next night comes, and he unexpectedly had to go into work so he couldnt make it that night either. He called me the day after that to make plans for that night, and didnt end up calling, leaving a voicemail, or texting at ALL. So I called him on it....and told him that he doesn't need to beat around the bush anymore because I'm aware that he's not into me. He said that wasn't true and that he legitimately happened to fall asleep (bull****) and that the other times weren't intentional at all. I haven't replied or spoken to him since and it's been about 3 days. I don't believe him. Maybe it's because I don't have any trust left (with my past). Or maybe because I feel like it's obvious. I just don't get it though. One week ago, this guy came to stay over my place with me and was talking about plans for the future. He told me that i'm amazing, and that he's constantly thinking about me. When I mentioned that I have some reservations about the whole FWB thing, he assured me that it's not like that. He kisses my forehead and hands, and it's just so sweet and romantic. Am I just a ****ing idiot for taking this to mean that he wants me for more than a quick piece? When I moved, he even helped me move into my apartment. I just don't get it. At first I thought it must have been the condom thing that freaked him out (because he's never experienced a condom breaking on him before), but it still doesnt make any sense. I'm the one who had to take the pill and get sick all day while I had to work. But now I just don't know. Am I being too hard on him, or am I just oblivious to the fact that he's probably just not that into me?
january2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Is this the original guy from your previous thread? What happened to the new guy who seemed like a better fit?
Thieves Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 But now I just don't know. Am I being too hard on him, or am I just oblivious to the fact that he's probably just not that into me? No, you're not being too hard on him. I mean, let me get this straight. - The guy almost possibly could've gotten you pregnant, offered to pay for the morning after pill but DIDN'T, and you got it yourself. - Made plans with you that night to see you again, but blew you off. - Then made plans with you again to see you, but blew you off once again. - Then he calls and says he wants to make plans, but doesn't, and blows you off AGAIN. Personally, I think the 'scare' might've done it. The man didn't even get you the morning after pill, which believe it or not, says a lot to me. Not to advocate selfishness, but think about yourself and how you're feeling right now. If you're feeling used, constantly blown off, and like it really is a friends-with-benefits situation, then trust your guts on that. If you think it's obvious, it probably is. If you feel you're not getting back what you're giving, or the guy is just plain slacking off, sit him down and have a talk about it. Either that or cut your losses and move on. This is already too much 'stress' for what's supposed to be a 'casual' relationship...
Author That_girl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Is this the original guy from your previous thread? What happened to the new guy who seemed like a better fit? Yes it is the guy from my previous thread. We ended up seeing each other again. I actually started thinking about how much I actually do have feelings for him while on a date with the new guy and I started to feel guilty. Even though I'm not his girlfriend. That weekend, the guy I'm now seeing told me he isn't seeing anyone else (I asked him). But I still don't think that means he wants me to be 'his girl'. The new guy was really not good news at all, I started finding out things about him through mutual friends of ours- that he is a heavy drug user, and has a really bad reputation with women. I ended up finding that out during our next date, when he actually got up and left in response to me saying that I wasn't ready to sleep with him so soon. He actually got up and left. *******.
Ms Right Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I have been dating this person for about 3 months now. Casually. I know he doesn't like labels and he doesn't like calling it a "friends with benefits" type thing, but that's exactly what it's starting to feel like. Or at least I think it is, because I don't generally do that sort of thing- but I did sleep with him on our second date and ever since then. Last week, the condom broke during sex and we had a bit of a scare. I had to take the morning after pill and he offered to pay for it, but I ended up getting it myself. So he did call me that night to make plans to see me again, but ends up blowing me off. When I called him, he said he forgot and that he couldn't make it that night...so we rescheduled for the next night. Next night comes, and he unexpectedly had to go into work so he couldnt make it that night either. He called me the day after that to make plans for that night, and didnt end up calling, leaving a voicemail, or texting at ALL. So I called him on it....and told him that he doesn't need to beat around the bush anymore because I'm aware that he's not into me. He said that wasn't true and that he legitimately happened to fall asleep (bull****) and that the other times weren't intentional at all. I haven't replied or spoken to him since and it's been about 3 days. I don't believe him. Maybe it's because I don't have any trust left (with my past). Or maybe because I feel like it's obvious. I just don't get it though. One week ago, this guy came to stay over my place with me and was talking about plans for the future. He told me that i'm amazing, and that he's constantly thinking about me. When I mentioned that I have some reservations about the whole FWB thing, he assured me that it's not like that. He kisses my forehead and hands, and it's just so sweet and romantic. Am I just a ****ing idiot for taking this to mean that he wants me for more than a quick piece? When I moved, he even helped me move into my apartment. I just don't get it. At first I thought it must have been the condom thing that freaked him out (because he's never experienced a condom breaking on him before), but it still doesnt make any sense. I'm the one who had to take the pill and get sick all day while I had to work. But now I just don't know. Am I being too hard on him, or am I just oblivious to the fact that he's probably just not that into me? He just wants to keep you around for sure thing.
Lobouspo Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Hindsight being 20/20..it may have been better to take things a little slower. If you guys are hooking up every time you go out, he really doesn't have to work for anything. You guys have been seeing each other for three months? I think its completely reasonable on your part to know whether the relationship is going anywhere. Tell him you want more than a casual fling and STOP being intimate with him but just want to hang out. I promise you will see quickly where yoh stand with this guy.
Ms Right Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 if you need a new **** buddy pm me. no fatties. Wow you're a real smooth one, I'm sure you get all the ladies.
Author That_girl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 No, you're not being too hard on him. I mean, let me get this straight. - The guy almost possibly could've gotten you pregnant, offered to pay for the morning after pill but DIDN'T, and you got it yourself. - Made plans with you that night to see you again, but blew you off. - Then made plans with you again to see you, but blew you off once again. - Then he calls and says he wants to make plans, but doesn't, and blows you off AGAIN. Personally, I think the 'scare' might've done it. The man didn't even get you the morning after pill, which believe it or not, says a lot to me. Not to advocate selfishness, but think about yourself and how you're feeling right now. If you're feeling used, constantly blown off, and like it really is a friends-with-benefits situation, then trust your guts on that. If you think it's obvious, it probably is. If you feel you're not getting back what you're giving, or the guy is just plain slacking off, sit him down and have a talk about it. Either that or cut your losses and move on. This is already too much 'stress' for what's supposed to be a 'casual' relationship... He did offer to pay for it, he actually put the money down on my kitchen counter but I gave it back to him because I get it for free at this clinic. He offered to go and get it for me right then and there but I told him not to because it was late and I didn't have to work the next morning anyway. I'm really insistent when it comes to doing things for myself. But I still get what you're saying. I think instinct says alot. He actually just called, and I didn't answer it. I don't know what to say because I'm so angry...but at the same time I don't feel like I have a right to be because I was a willing participant in this.
Ms Right Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 He did offer to pay for it, he actually put the money down on my kitchen counter but I gave it back to him because I get it for free at this clinic. He offered to go and get it for me right then and there but I told him not to because it was late and I didn't have to work the next morning anyway. I'm really insistent when it comes to doing things for myself. But I still get what you're saying. I think instinct says alot. He actually just called, and I didn't answer it. I don't know what to say because I'm so angry...but at the same time I don't feel like I have a right to be because I was a willing participant in this. Your silence will destroy him inside and make him come back begging. Just stay strong. However if you must answer the phone just keep it short. 2 minutes or so and sound like you're not into the conversation that much, you know like you're doing something else at the moment then tell him you're busy and you'll call him back later... DONT CALL HIM BACK LATER.
Author That_girl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Personally, I think the 'scare' might've done it. I'm just wondering why it would make him act that way....I'm the one that had to endure it.
Author That_girl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Your silence will destroy him inside and make him come back begging. Just stay strong. However if you must answer the phone just keep it short. 2 minutes or so and sound like you're not into the conversation that much, you know like you're doing something else at the moment then tell him you're busy and you'll call him back later... DONT CALL HIM BACK LATER. I'm not trying to play games, I genuinely don't want to talk to him right now. LOL Don't you think this could also have the reverse effect? Maybe he's just calling because he feels bad for me or something....And now that he knows I don't wanna talk to him, he'll be relieved?
january2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm so sorry that didn't work out. Regarding the current guy, I don't think the signs are good. He didn't give you the support that you needed during the pregnancy scare. This is not a good indicator of someone you can trust when things really hit the fan. People can have good intentions but if the follow-through is poor then the good intentions are worthless. He might genuinely believe that he is 'into' you but I would hope that you need/want someone who can be there for you when you need/want it. Someone who really cares about you and has empathy for others will do their best to be there and support you. Unless he has a medical condition that makes him fall asleep at inopportune moments, I would say that supporting you during the scare was not at the forefront of his mind because it was not a priority. That's very harsh and horrible, I'm sorry.
FeelingSmall Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Wow, this guy sounds JUST like my ex... I got the same treatment in the very beginning, and if you care to look back through my threads you can see how it ended, not good. If I were you I would run as fast and as far as you can to save yourself some serious heartbreak in the end. In fact his name doesn't start with a C and end in an N, does it? Gross, I would call that other new guy if I were you. I wouldn't invest one more thought into him. You're certainly not crazy, sounds to me like a serious player. Find yourself a nice guy who will actually treat you right, he's already shown you his hand, at least most of it. Good luck to you...
FeelingSmall Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Side note - it's not about "he's just not that into you." He could be very very into you, but he won't commit. That something you can deal with? I waited a year and some before I answered no.
Author That_girl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Thank you January. Your words did make me feel a little better. I just hate having to go through this sort of thing over and over. The last relationship I was in was also terrible. It was this time last year, and the guy was seriously messed up. Now he's doing way better without me, and I've just become even more bitter and cynical. It's just my luck. FeelingSmall, I read some of your previous posts, and I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. Unfortunately I know it all too well myself, as the guy before this one was emotionally abusive too. I know you'll get through it because I'm still getting through it to this day. And I'm probably not nearly as optimistic as you are. One day at a time I guess....right?
Thieves Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm just wondering why it would make him act that way....I'm the one that had to endure it. It doesn't matter, though. When a young man finds out that he may have accidentally gotten a woman who is not his wife or girlfriend pregnant and he is absolutely unprepared, and it's completely unexpected... well, some men might tend to act in certain ways. As any person would in a panic situation like that. And just because he offered to pay for the pill, doesn't cancel out all those times that he blew you off after the scare, during one of your most vulnerable times when he should've been there. Do you really want that in a man? Please, step outside yourself and listen to what you're saying. Look at your story as if someone else had written it. Would you honestly say that this 'relationship' is going anywhere good?
FeelingSmall Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 FeelingSmall, I read some of your previous posts, and I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. Unfortunately I know it all too well myself, as the guy before this one was emotionally abusive too. I know you'll get through it because I'm still getting through it to this day. And I'm probably not nearly as optimistic as you are. One day at a time I guess....right? Keep smiling, sugar... I'm convinced things will get better once people (including me) realize they are worth it, maybe I wasn't to my ex, but I will be to someone, as will you and everyone else here going through heartbreak. Right now get yourself away from him. You deserve whatever it is you want, and obviously this guy won't give it to you. Walk away and give someone worthy a chance at you. Definitely one day at a time!
january2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I'm glad you feel a little better. I think that you probably need to take a step back from this guy and relationships in general. Get yourself into a better place so that you are more content with your life and you can share the good stuff with someone who is also in a good place. I've read that broken attracts broken, perhaps a little trite but I've found it to be true in my experience. And if you are still feeling resentful about your ex and comparing his life to yours, I think that you're probably not in a good place right now - it's likely that your people picker, personal boundary-setting and usual clear insight might be a little wonky.
Author That_girl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 So should I just ignore him then? I feel really bad just not picking up his call. I've actually known him for years, and we only started this FWB thing recently. We were never good friends, we barely knew each other before- but he's really good friends with mutual friends of mine. I just don't want things to be awkward, but I feel like maybe I should let him know I'm just not into this situation anymore.
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