is it normal to feel unworthy of your partner?

[skylarkjv]

I was in a relationship with a girl who always used to tell me how much she didn't deserve me. I stuck it out for a few months. She had deep psychological issues that caused this line of thinking. She was a cutter, and I thought that I could somehow make a positive impact on her life. All of this was due to low self-esteem. Finally she insulted my cousin at a family reunion and I had to break it off.

 

I could deal with the manic depression, the bipolar tendencies, and the cutting - but taking your frustration out on an innocent person (especially my family member) because of your low self-esteem, I couldn't be with a person that inconsiderate.

 

As far as I know she's fine these days, attending college somewhere far away from me. I wish her well, and hope she finds someone. Because in spite of everything she had going against her, I never once for a second thought she was unworthy of me.

 

Guys are easy - you give us a little love and affection, and it goes a long way. Unless we are incredible jackasses, I doubt the thought crosses our minds for a moment that you aren't worthy of us. Otherwise, we probably wouldn't be with you in the first place.

[torn_curtain]

My dream is a guy whom I am wildly attracted to, and who feels the same way about me, and we'll love each other for life.

 

I think it's come true.

 

 

Yes, this is also what I want! I think it's what all women want. You're lucky if you've found it.

[Nexus One]

Huh? That doesn't match anything I said.

 

I gave that reply because you said she should only go for guys in her league. I don't agree with that. Like I said I see plenty of couples who are asymmetrical in terms of looks and I then gave the reasons for why that can be the case and why it CAN work.

[torn_curtain]

Often enough I see "asymmetrical" couples in terms of looks. Don't forget that personality is a significant factor. Another significant factor is emotional bonding.

 

Suppose I wouldn't be into the looks of a girl very much, however she is just attractive "enough" in the looks department, but she has:

 

a) A great personality (which in my eyes grows her physical attractiveness)

b) We bonded and made a connection (emotionally)

c) She's intelligent and we can have interesting conversations.

 

Those things grow attraction and make beauty something in the eye of the beholder.

 

Besides, EVERYONE loses his/her physical beauty and youth. Then what? Then it's nice you can still laugh together and be happy. Ever seen one of those very old couples that smile and look each other in the eyes like they're still very much in love? That's so sweet, people can only hope to "have that" at that age.

 

I like the way you think. This is sort of how my boyfriend is. He needs to be physically attracted to a girl but after a certain point it's much more about personality for him. What he values most about me is our intellectual and emotional connection. He feels he can have conversations with me that he's never had with any other girl, and he says he sees depth in my eyes. I know he also finds me very attractive, but I guess I have this notion that all guys are superficial (I know that's not fair to men) and I worry his interest in something deeper is a passing phase. I also worry that if we stay together as I get older and my looks fade, he will cheat on me...especially because he's in a career that brings him in regular contact with temptation.

 

This is going to sound retarded but part of what triggers this fear is seeing how often men who are celebrities (especially in show business) cheat on their wives/partners. I actually kind of worry about him getting too successful because I know how rarely relationships last in the entertainment industry. I think if he were in a more private profession like engineering or whatever, I wouldn't have these concerns.

 

All of his friends are image obsessed social climbers, and he also grew up in a vapid town (LA). He says he's grown apart from them and he loathes LA (he says the city has no soul which is why he's moving away), but I'm worried constantly being around people like that must have somehow infected his psyche.

 

Whatever, I'm probably just inventing worries because he's visiting next week. This is all premature worrying since our relationship has just begun but it's sort of making it difficult to invest. I need to change my thought patterns and cut out this BS.

Edited October 11, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Mme. Chaucer]

Anyway, this whole mania about assigning "leagues" and numerical values for hotness is bogus for many people. It is a valid "system" for only some.

 

The word "personality" does not begin to cover what makes a person irresistibly compelling even if they are not "gorgeous." It can be seen all the time, though.

 

When I see a "mismatched" couple, I am not so much noticing a disparity in looks as in a kind of energy radiating, or something like that.

 

You might like or hate Lady Gaga or Mick Jagger. I don't think many people find either "beautiful," or a "10," but I also don't think many people would be shocked to find either with a very good looking boy/girl friend. Each has a commanding energy and presence that would make that easy to accept.

 

Marilyn Monroe married Arthur Miller. Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett. Yes, they were evidently mismatches, but I doubt it was because of looks.

 

If you are talking about an energy kind of thing, then I'm not opposed to the idea of "leagues."

 

But if you are talking about handsome, symmetrical features and a 6 pack = a girlfriend with beautiful, symmetrical features and a porn star body, I think you are either wrong or woefully confined to a superficial view of life and love.

[torn_curtain]

Anyway, this whole mania about assigning "leagues" and numerical values for hotness is bogus for many people. It is a valid "system" for only some.

 

The word "personality" does not begin to cover what makes a person irresistibly compelling even if they are not "gorgeous." It can be seen all the time, though.

 

When I see a "mismatched" couple, I am not so much noticing a disparity in looks as in a kind of energy radiating, or something like that.

 

You might like or hate Lady Gaga or Mick Jagger. I don't think many people find either "beautiful," or a "10," but I also don't think many people would be shocked to find either with a very good looking boy/girl friend. Each has a commanding energy and presence that would make that easy to accept.

 

Marilyn Monroe married Arthur Miller. Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett. Yes, they were evidently mismatches, but I doubt it was because of looks.

 

If you are talking about an energy kind of thing, then I'm not opposed to the idea of "leagues."

 

But if you are talking about handsome, symmetrical features and a 6 pack = a girlfriend with beautiful, symmetrical features and a porn star body, I think you are either wrong or woefully confined to a superficial view of life and love.

 

For the record I hate the idea of leagues too and it's so, so far from what I respond to in attractiveness. For me, and I think most women, it's much more a person's overall aura. But I know guys are wired differently and so many of them seem obsessed with leagues.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I also worry that if we stay together as I get older and my looks fade, he will cheat on me...especially because he's in a career that brings him in regular contact with temptation.

 

This is going to sound retarded but part of what triggers this fear is seeing how often men who are celebrities (especially in show business) cheat on their wives/partners. I actually kind of worry about him getting too successful because I know how rarely relationships last in the entertainment industry. I think if he were in a more private profession like engineering or whatever, I wouldn't have these concerns.

 

All of his friends are image obsessed social climbers, and he also grew up in a vapid town (LA). He says he's grown apart from them and he loathes LA (he says the city has no soul which is why he's moving away), but I'm worried constantly being around people like that must have somehow infected his psyche.

 

 

 

WHOA! Back up, partner!

 

YOU HAVE NOT MET IN PERSON YET. Totally whacky of you to allow yourself to travel down the road of fear to the place where he's a successful Hollywood director, or whatever, faced with all the temptation offered by the juicy starlets as you sit at home with your beauty fading.

 

STOP!

 

Go back to what SG told you more than once. What you are about NOW is

 

1) to see if YOU really, really like HIM and all he actually has to offer in a real ftf relationship in the present time, and

 

2) to see if the relationship you built via technology can and will have actual "legs" in real life.

[torn_curtain]

 

You might like or hate Lady Gaga or Mick Jagger. I don't think many people find either "beautiful," or a "10," but I also don't think many people would be shocked to find either with a very good looking boy/girl friend. Each has a commanding energy and presence that would make that easy to accept.

 

 

While I have seen mismatched couples I don't think celebrities make good examples. Somebody like Lady Gaga will attract fame whores trying to ride her coattails.

[torn_curtain]

WHOA! Back up, partner!

 

YOU HAVE NOT MET IN PERSON YET. Totally whacky of you to allow yourself to travel down the road of fear to the place where he's a successful Hollywood director, or whatever, faced with all the temptation offered by the juicy starlets as you sit at home with your beauty fading.

 

STOP!

 

Go back to what SG told you more than once. What you are about NOW is

 

1) to see if YOU really, really like HIM and all he actually has to offer in a real ftf relationship in the present time, and

 

2) to see if the relationship you built via technology can and will have actual "legs" in real life.

 

The last week or so my brain has been going into overdrive with ridiculous worries as his visit approaches. Part of me almost wants to preemptively look for a reason to detach to protect myself from getting hurt. But I can't give into that temptation because I know it's part of my old pattern and up until now I feel I've turned a new leaf in how I've approached this relationship with a healthy attitude. I know I just need to chill and no matter what happens I'll be OK.

Edited October 11, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Nexus One]

While I have seen mismatched couples I don't think celebrities make good examples. Somebody like Lady Gaga will attract fame whores trying to ride her coattails.

 

From what I know Lady Gaga is bisexual, but actually quite serious about finding genuine love. She wants both a man and a woman as a partner. However, she wants a relationship oriented man, but from what she said in an interview, most of those guys actually don't like the fact that there will be another woman in the relationship, even though she offered relationship oriented guys to have sex with both her and her female SO. Hence she actually has trouble getting into a relationship.

 

You'd think guys would jump at the opportunity to be able to have 2 women as an SO, both with which they can have sex with. But many relationship oriented guys aren't wired that way. Guys who are looking for sex only, they might find that interesting, but a guy looking for a meaningful and serious relationship tends to be a one girl guy. (unless he's a cheater and thus not truly relationship oriented)

 

That's why I cringe when I browse through dating websites and see so many girls/women list themselves as bisexual. There's no way a third of all women are REALLY bisexual, so most of them list that thinking that they will attract guys by saying that. It will attract guys alright, but ones who are into threesomes and are sex oriented. So they end up attracting the wrong kind of guys by doing that.

 

I think Lady Gaga is intelligent enough to pick truly relationship oriented guys though, as most of her endeavors to get one of those guys has failed due to her wanting an additional female partner. Someone who intends to use her is not going to decline a relationship with her due to her wanting an additional female partner.

[mike111]

Like thinking your partner is too attractive, cool, charming for you? The last couple of guys I've been involved with I've felt are out of my league and even though they're attracted to me, this feeling of unworthiness haunts me. I don't really understand why they're into me and I constantly feel intimidated by them. I also worry about getting too invested because I know they could have their pick of women and I fear being cheated on. Has anyone dealt with this problem in relationships and how did you get over it?

 

 

Have any of these guys showered you with praise or given you any other indication that they really like you a lot?

[torn_curtain]

Have any of these guys showered you with praise or given you any other indication that they really like you a lot?

 

Yes. My current bf is always singing my praises. In fact he often says he's surprised that I like him, which I find kind of hilarious. I think the problem is mostly my own self esteem, so I end up doubting whatever he tells me.

Edited October 11, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Nexus One]

Yes. My current bf is always singing my praises. In fact he often says he's surprised that I like him, which I find kind of hilarious.

 

If he's genuine, then that pretty much tells you all you need to know. He's into you, yet he doesn't quite understand why you like him. That's actually a pretty standard situation. Lots of people wonder why their SO actually likes them. We often don't see ourselves the way other people see us.

[Pierre]

I think TC has low self esteem. That is why she feels unworthy.

 

Furthermore, she talks about the relationship in a manner that is unhealthy. She has not spend time with her so-called BF in real life.

[mike111]

Yes. My current bf is always singing my praises. In fact he often says he's surprised that I like him, which I find kind of hilarious. I think the problem is mostly my own self esteem, so I end up doubting whatever he tells me.

 

 

He sounds like he is a pretty good guy and likes you a lot.

 

I feel the same at times, like I am not good enough. I know i need to stop that.

 

But for you, maybe go with it and see where it takes you. I mean, accept the fact that he does like you and go have a bit of fun.

 

mike

[ascendotum]

I actually think it's quite healthy to some degree. It's natural for us, when we first meet a partner whom either meets or exceeds our own expectations/desires, to step back and think for a second, "Wow, he/she is really, really damn great. I can't believe I have this wonderful person in my life, I'm so lucky." But do you see how that's different from stepping back and saying, "Wow, he/she is really, really damn great. I can't believe they're with me. Why are they even with me? They could have so many other people...", and so on.

 

The difference is subtle, but still there. In the latter, you're talking yourself down, while in the former you're just confirming how great of a catch your partner is while still holding onto some self-worth. But if you think you're treading on that last line where you feel unworthy, then yes, it's not healthy. You should never feel unworthy of a partner. They chose to be with you and you chose to be with them, so you have to take comfort that they obviously saw something good in you and vice versa. It should be a two way street.

 

I agree she should think like this. I echo the sentiments of a few of the other posters on LS who have told you to stop getting carried away over analysing this relationship that has so far simply been conducted over cross country wires. I have to admit I have only read bits + pieces, but I had the impression things seem to be going fine (excluding the what if scenarios that are in your head)

 

The topic of this post reminds me of a few women I know, that have to admit bugged me. (not saying this is like you TC) They were fussy about guys and would typically go for good looking, popular, exciting lifestyle type guys. When they were dating them or even in the early months of a relationship they would fret and worry and thrash out all incidents and overanalyse his behaviour. They were happy they got what they wanted, but they weren't happy because he was too good and it wasn't going to last...and it generally didn't. While I don't know all the reasons why they failed, it wouldn’t surprise me if their clingy insecure behaviour played a part. Each failure tended to justify the anxiety the next time she started dating a similar great guy again.

 

That was their business, if thats the way they seek love, but the bit that bugged me about these women was the dichotomy of their nature. They seek out hot guys then worry themselves sick that they were too good for them or were going to cheat, but at the same time because they could land these successful macho guys (for a while anyway) they also gave out this vibe that they had an inflated opinion of themselves. In private they were like TC but when they dressed up and went out, they considered the majority of guys as losers and avg joes were dispatched with snappy putdowns lines.

[FitChick]

All of his friends are image obsessed social climbers, and he also grew up in a vapid town (LA). He says he's grown apart from them and he loathes LA (he says the city has no soul which is why he's moving away), but I'm worried constantly being around people like that must have somehow infected his psyche.

 

Since his career isn't going well -- no one successful in showbiz in LA would want to leave the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow until they grabbed every last penny -- you need to worry more about how he will make a living if he moves (in with you?) in your city, given that he has only worked in entertainment (unless I got that wrong).

[torn_curtain]

Since his career isn't going well -- no one successful in showbiz in LA would want to leave the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow until they grabbed every last penny -- you need to worry more about how he will make a living if he moves (in with you?) in your city, given that he has only worked in entertainment (unless I got that wrong).

 

His career actually is going well. He just hates LA.

[FitChick]

His career actually is going well. He just hates LA.

 

Maybe. Regardless, how will he make a living if he moves? Maybe he won't move and you will have to move to LA. Would you want to do that?

 

You need to bust a few beliefs before he arrives so you don't sabotage. Try the interactive Lefkoe Method website. You will feel a helluva lot better. I'd use three different emails to sign up so you can do all three beliefs (if it's still set up that way).

[Star Gazer]

His career actually is going well. He just hates LA.

 

If that's true, why would he leave LA? Unless he's a well-established, famous filmmaker, it would be really, really unwise to leave a blooming career behind just because he doesn't like the city.

[torn_curtain]

If that's true, why would he leave LA? Unless he's a well-established, famous filmmaker, it would be really, really unwise to leave a blooming career behind just because he doesn't like the city.

 

There are more opportunities in NY right now for the kind of work he wants to do. No, he's not famous but he is doing well for his age and he's on a upward trajectory. His heart isn't in the work he was doing in LA.

Edited October 12, 2011 by torn_curtain