torn_curtain Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Like thinking your partner is too attractive, cool, charming for you? The last couple of guys I've been involved with I've felt are out of my league and even though they're attracted to me, this feeling of unworthiness haunts me. I don't really understand why they're into me and I constantly feel intimidated by them. I also worry about getting too invested because I know they could have their pick of women and I fear being cheated on. Has anyone dealt with this problem in relationships and how did you get over it?
Star Gazer Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Remember when I said: TC, it's just as likely that YOU won't feel chemistry with him as it is that he won't feel it for you. It's very possible you'll find yourself rejecting him! Focus less on what he thinks/feels and instead of how YOU think/feel. Focus on finding out whether YOU like him, whether he gives YOU those special feelings, whether YOU want him in your life, whether he ticks off all the necessary boxes for YOU, whether he exhibits any red flags which are dealbreakers for YOU. The same thing still applies: TC, it's just as likely that YOU won't think he is worth of you! Focus less on whether you're worthy of him, and instead of whether HE is worthy of YOU. Focus on finding out whether YOU like him, whether he gives YOU those special feelings, whether YOU want him in your life, whether he ticks off all the necessary boxes for YOU, whether he exhibits any red flags which are dealbreakers for YOU.
Nexus One Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) Like thinking your partner is too attractive, cool, charming for you? The last couple of guys I've been involved with I've felt are out of my league and even though they're attracted to me, this feeling of unworthiness haunts me. I don't really understand why they're into me and I constantly feel intimidated by them. I also worry about getting too invested because I know they could have their pick of women and I fear being cheated on. Has anyone dealt with this problem in relationships and how did you get over it? Men's psychology does not work that way. Looks tend to always be the first factor that draws a guy to you. If you are unfortunate regarding looks, but have a great personality, then in the eyes of a man that can grow your physical attractiveness. Intelligence is another factor that can increase attractiveness. For me as a man, those are the 3 main pillars of attraction: Looks, personality and intelligence. Your guy has seen your pictures and seen you on Skype TC. He likes your personality, HOW ELSE could he have stayed interested during an LDR relationship over the internet? You also strike me as a person with which one can have a conversation beyond just the run of the mill superficial topics, so he probably is comfortable with your level of intelligence. Guys generally don't think: "Oh I'm too handsome and cool for this chick.", no they think along the lines of "She's beautiful, I like her (personality)" and then they get drawn to her. So it's rather a focus on positive things and what draws them to a woman. Guys have girl radar. As a girl, you're either on that radar or you're not. And IF you're on that radar, then the blip on the screen can be a positive one, which means attraction, or a negative one, which means I need to stay as far away from this b*tch as humanly possible. There are also neutral blips though, like colleagues and such. So you've managed to get on his radar and since you guys are in an LDR he decided you're a positive blip. I hope this makes any sense. Edited October 11, 2011 by Nexus One
january2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I experienced this once. The relationship didn't last very long. I was vulnerable at the time and my self-esteem was shot. There was nothing he could say or do that would make me feel better about myself - it had to come from within me. Though he actually didn't help because he was a narcissist and it was all about him. I learnt that I shouldn't have been in that relationship and it was the wrong relationship for me. He needed a full-time cheerleader or someone who brought their A game to the table every single time and at the time, I couldn't be/do either. I don't know whether or not my experience exactly applies to your situation. It could be that he is the wrong guy for you and his 'greatness' highlights your flaws and/or you are not in a good place right now. Either way, no, it is not normal to feel unworthy. It might be normal to think that your partner is great, but not to the extent that you put them on a pedestal and you feel bad because you question why they are with you. Let me reiterate, nothing can be said or done to reassure you if you already believe that you are unworthy - you will frame everything within that context. What is required is a re-framing - that's got to come from you.
iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 When you REALLY like someone, you perceive them as awesome, often elevating their actual qualities. Of course they seem "better" than you. Yes, feeling some degree of inferiority and questioning your worthiness is normal. As long as these feelings don't stop you from forming relationships or cause you to sabotage them, I think your feelings are pretty common. These feelings come in part from your fear of losing something you really want. Honestly, if I don't feel at least some fleeting feelings of not being good enough, I know I don't really like the guy enough to have a relationship with him. It's quite likely he's feeling the same way about you.
iris219 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I also wanted to add: If these feelings continue for years, that would be a problem, but in the beginning stages if a relationship, I don't see them as abnormal because there's so much uncertainty.
carhill Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 is it normal to feel unworthy of your partner? Not in my experience personally, but I can relate that every woman who has 'friend-zoned' me over the decades used that line at one point or another. 'I'm not worthy of your love/friendship/time/whatever'. TBH, they were right, though I didn't understand it at the time.
Thieves Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Like thinking your partner is too attractive, cool, charming for you? The last couple of guys I've been involved with I've felt are out of my league and even though they're attracted to me, this feeling of unworthiness haunts me. I don't really understand why they're into me and I constantly feel intimidated by them. I also worry about getting too invested because I know they could have their pick of women and I fear being cheated on. Has anyone dealt with this problem in relationships and how did you get over it? I actually think it's quite healthy to some degree. It's natural for us, when we first meet a partner whom either meets or exceeds our own expectations/desires, to step back and think for a second, "Wow, he/she is really, really damn great. I can't believe I have this wonderful person in my life, I'm so lucky." But do you see how that's different from stepping back and saying, "Wow, he/she is really, really damn great. I can't believe they're with me. Why are they even with me? They could have so many other people...", and so on. The difference is subtle, but still there. In the latter, you're talking yourself down, while in the former you're just confirming how great of a catch your partner is while still holding onto some self-worth. But if you think you're treading on that last line where you feel unworthy, then yes, it's not healthy. You should never feel unworthy of a partner. They chose to be with you and you chose to be with them, so you have to take comfort that they obviously saw something good in you and vice versa. It should be a two way street.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Men's psychology does not work that way. Looks tend to always be the first factor that draws a guy to you. If you are unfortunate regarding looks, but have a great personality, then in the eyes of a man that can grow your physical attractiveness. Intelligence is another factor that can increase attractiveness. For me as a man, those are the 3 main pillars of attraction: Looks, personality and intelligence. Your guy has seen your pictures and seen you on Skype TC. He likes your personality, HOW ELSE could he have stayed interested during an LDR relationship over the internet? You also strike me as a person with which one can have a conversation beyond just the run of the mill superficial topics, so he probably is comfortable with your level of intelligence. Guys generally don't think: "Oh I'm too handsome and cool for this chick.", no they think along the lines of "She's beautiful, I like her (personality)" and then they get drawn to her. So it's rather a focus on positive things and what draws them to a woman. Guys have girl radar. As a girl, you're either on that radar or you're not. And IF you're on that radar, then the blip on the screen can be a positive one, which means attraction, or a negative one, which means I need to stay as far away from this b*tch as humanly possible. There are also neutral blips though, like colleagues and such. So you've managed to get on his radar and since you guys are in an LDR he decided you're a positive blip. I hope this makes any sense. Thank you. This was a great post. I am sometimes unsure of myself because, being quite frank, I know I'm well above average in intelligence and personality, but average to cute in looks (with a great bod). And somehow, I almost always attract very good-looking, head-turning guys who could get hotter women and have done so. Your emphasis on the desire for the trifecta of looks, smarts, and heart rings true to me, in my experience.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 No, I don't think it's normal or healthy to feel "unworthy" of another person no matter how grand they may be. I think feeling that way is a signal that you need to work on your self esteem. People should think they are worthy of being with a wonderful person. And no, I'm not talking about the concerning mentality around here that goes: "I deserve a '10'" That's not what I'm talking about at all.
Wolf18 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Thank you. This was a great post. I am sometimes unsure of myself because, being quite frank, I know I'm well above average in intelligence and personality, but average to cute in looks (with a great bod). And somehow, I almost always attract very good-looking, head-turning guys who could get hotter women and have done so. Your emphasis on the desire for the trifecta of looks, smarts, and heart rings true to me, in my experience. If you live in America, get used to the pain and anguish of dating men above your league. This goes for all you women. Blame the fat chick epidemic. Hopefully one day when the economy collapses and food culture is no more you'll have the pleasure of dating guys in your league and these feelings will vanish
Ruby Slippers Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 If you live in America, get used to the pain and anguish of dating men above your league. This goes for all you women. Blame the fat chick epidemic. Hopefully one day when the economy collapses and food culture is no more you'll have the pleasure of dating guys in your league and these feelings will vanish When I date less attractive men, they almost always have major insecurities -- such as the guy who told me I was too attractive for him and would surely leave him one day for a hotter guy. That sounded absurd to me. Intelligence and personality are far more important to me than looks -- and this guy was brilliant with a great personality, as well as very cute. I am confident enough to date hot men, but smart enough to know why this kind of arrangement rarely works for long term. It seems to me that either arrangement involves a lot of BS.
zengirl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I don't know if it's "normal" but I'd say it's not healthy or ideal. Nor, if it has been many different people, is it likely about the guy. It's a self esteem thing, and with the cheating thing you threw in at the end, also perhaps an abandonment issue. It IS normal and healthy to consider yourself damn lucky to have met your partner, I think. But to think he's above you? Could do better? Is too good for you? That you fear investment? That you think he'd cheat? Those are not healthy. And the proof of that is the way they feel. They feel PAINFUL. At any rate, as many have said, it's a manner of approaching it differently. If you feel constantly insecure in the relationship --- or anywhere --- it's time to work on your own self-esteem and inner-security.
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) I know the feeling you're describing very well. In fact I could have written your post myself. I feel that way in my current relationship. Here is a thread I made when my BF and I first started dating: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280370/ It gets better and better the longer I'm with my BF (we've been together about 5 months), but I still often have the "why is he with ME?" thought cross my mind. IMO that feeling might be normal, but letting it run your life isn't. I can't control him or the world around us...only my own thoughts and actions. I'm at my best when I'm confident, relaxed, and happy...I'm a better person in general as well as a better partner. Here are some tools I've found helpful: -I try to keep an active social life. 6 months ago I had only a handfull of friends and went out very infrequently. My relationship anxieties have shined a light on the fact that this is a real problem for me, since a lot of my insecurity stemmed from a fear of being lonely. Since then I've actively expanded my social circle and made sure to do something with friends twice a week at least. -I keep busy. The instant I start having the "I'm not good enough" thoughts, I get out and do something productive. Work out, cook, call a friend to catch up...whatever takes my mind off of my relationship. -I value my boyfriend, and show him affection and appreciation that he's in my life, but I don't make him #1 all the time. If I make plans with friends for next weekend and then my boyfriend invites me to something, I honour the plans with my friends. If I'm at the gym or the store or work when he calls, I don't go out of my way to answer the phone. I call him back when I'm free. I would never blow him off, not return a phone call, or cancel plans with him. I just don't bend to his every whim. I think this is important. Like I said, I still wouldn't say I'm totally "over it," as I still do have those thoughts. But having those thoughts and letting them cause anxiety and fear are two different things. You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control the way you handle and manage your feelings. Hope that helps. Feel free to PM me...I'm very much in the same boat as you. Edited October 11, 2011 by kiss_andmakeup
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 The truth is, everybody can be unfaithful, whether they are fabulous or not. And, a person who is so "hot," accomplished, charming, etc., that they use it to be unfaithful to their partner automatically is unworthy of YOU. If your boyfriend ended up cheating on you, this would have no relationship to the fabulous qualities he has. It would just mean that he was a cheater. Granted, being good looking and accomplished makes it a lot easier to attract people than being an ugly do-nothing does. If your boyfriend can "have his pick" of all women, he's evidently picked you. If he's a person of good character, he isn't a cheater. This line of thinking is very dangerous. Please don't go and do something heinous to your relationship or to the guy (like cheat, or pretend you want an "open relationship") to "one up" him so he can't hurt you first.
somedude81 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Like thinking your partner is too attractive, cool, charming for you? The last couple of guys I've been involved with I've felt are out of my league and even though they're attracted to me, this feeling of unworthiness haunts me. I don't really understand why they're into me and I constantly feel intimidated by them. I also worry about getting too invested because I know they could have their pick of women and I fear being cheated on. Has anyone dealt with this problem in relationships and how did you get over it? My guess it's because you know they were out of your league and they were only with you, just because you were a woman. How to avoid it for next time? Go for guys who you know are in your league. Unlike most women, men will sleep with almost anybody. Getting a "hot guy" is not an accomplishment.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Getting a "hot guy" is not an accomplishment. For just sex, I agree. But most women's dream is a hot guy who will love them for life -- and only a few get that. Just like most men's dream is a hot woman who will love them for life.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 My dream is a guy whom I am wildly attracted to, and who feels the same way about me, and we'll love each other for life. I think it's come true. I'm not about assigning "leagues." For the record, I am not a profoundly beautiful woman (well … also, at this stage, I'm way old, which is a major stumbling block en route to profound beauty). I have had pretty bad self esteem issues in my life, but at the same time, I've ALWAYS known that I am a huge catch (like a whale! just kidding) because of all that I bring to a relationship - including plenty of feminine mystique. I have never felt unworthy of any guy. I have, though, felt tremendously insecure to the point where I was jealous and needy for no reason except that I felt unloveable and also unable to trust in general. Sometimes, these issues of mine lead me to pick guys who would indeed hurt me.
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 My guess it's because you know they were out of your league and they were only with you, just because you were a woman. How to avoid it for next time? Go for guys who you know are in your league. Unlike most women, men will sleep with almost anybody. Getting a "hot guy" is not an accomplishment. She's not talking about guys who were willing to use her for sex. She's talking about guys she's been in a relationship with (including, I'm assuming, her current BF).
somedude81 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 For just sex, I agree. But most women's dream is a hot guy who will love them for life -- and only a few get that. Just like most men's dream is a hot woman who will love them for life. Yup, but the main difference is that most women will get a hot guy who will use her for sex. It's a woman's job to figure out which men want more. And not trick herself into believing that he does want more just because he's hot and "likes" her. These guys are also good at telling women what they want to hear. IMO, the best solution is to stop trying to reach for the stars.
Nexus One Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 My guess it's because you know they were out of your league and they were only with you, just because you were a woman. How to avoid it for next time? Go for guys who you know are in your league. Often enough I see "asymmetrical" couples in terms of looks. Don't forget that personality is a significant factor. Another significant factor is emotional bonding. Suppose I wouldn't be into the looks of a girl very much, however she is just attractive "enough" in the looks department, but she has: a) A great personality (which in my eyes grows her physical attractiveness) b) We bonded and made a connection (emotionally) c) She's intelligent and we can have interesting conversations. Those things grow attraction and make beauty something in the eye of the beholder. Besides, EVERYONE loses his/her physical beauty and youth. Then what? Then it's nice you can still laugh together and be happy. Ever seen one of those very old couples that smile and look each other in the eyes like they're still very much in love? That's so sweet, people can only hope to "have that" at that age.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Yup, but the main difference is that most women will get a hot guy who will use her for sex. It's a woman's job to figure out which men want more. And not trick herself into believing that he does want more just because he's hot and "likes" her. These guys are also good at telling women what they want to hear. IMO, the best solution is to stop trying to reach for the stars. Replace "sex" with "money" and you can say the same of men. We are in the same boat. We all have to weed out the losers and users. It's an ongoing requirement in the search for real love.
Author torn_curtain Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 My guess it's because you know they were out of your league and they were only with you, just because you were a woman. How to avoid it for next time? Go for guys who you know are in your league. Unlike most women, men will sleep with almost anybody. Getting a "hot guy" is not an accomplishment. I'm in an exclusive relationship. It's not just about getting laid for him.
somedude81 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Often enough I see "asymmetrical" couples in terms of looks. Don't forget that personality is a significant factor. Another significant factor is emotional bonding. Suppose I wouldn't be into the looks of a girl very much, however she is just attractive "enough" in the looks department, but she has: a) A great personality (which in my eyes grows her physical attractiveness) b) We bonded and made a connection (emotionally) c) She's intelligent and we can have interesting conversations. Those things grow attraction and make beauty something in the eye of the beholder. Besides, EVERYONE loses his/her physical beauty and youth. Then what? Then it's nice you can still laugh together and be happy. Ever seen one of those very old couples that smile and look each other in the eyes like they're still very much in love? That's so sweet, people can only hope to "have that" at that age. Huh? That doesn't match anything I said. Replace "sex" with "money" and you can say the same of men. We are in the same boat. We all have to weed out the losers and users. It's an ongoing requirement in the search for real love. Yup. It is something that rich men have to watch out for. Also most everybody is aware of the gold digger concept. But it seems that many women aren't aware that a guy will "date" her just because she is a woman and looks halfway decent. And they might think that they are special because a really hot guy is with her
Author torn_curtain Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 But it seems that many women aren't aware that a guy will "date" her just because she is a woman and looks halfway decent. Again, we're in an exclusive relationship and he is very affectionate (he tells me he loves me and how lucky he feels to have me all the time), so he's not giving me any reason to doubt him in his behavior. It's coming mostly from myself and the discrepancy I see between me and him.
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