Feel like getting things off my chest

[geegirl]

What you discuss with your counselor should be between you and him. You don't have to tell your parents everything. My parents were once mortified when i told them I was speaking to a therapist about my childhood and them. They can't have that. That would mean that they've wronged you in some way. They don't want to feel that they've wronged you nor do they want you tarnishing the family name or their image. Tell her next time that you talk about you and your obsessing, etc. Keep it simple.

 

You will know what to do in time B. It will all work itself out. As you get further along in the process of therapy and re-arranging your thoughts and seeing things a little more clearly, you will be able to slowly map out your plan. You have something floating in your head but in time you will be able to execute better, as you get healthier and stronger. Right now, it would be hard to see anything in clear light because you are so overcome by emotion and drama.

 

I know what you mean about family telling you that you are selfish for moving away. I went through the same thing. In the end, you will decide for yourself. Remember, you have a life too and you need to live it, and not for anyone else, but you.

[geegirl]

how do you forgive yourself when you let a man verbally, emotionally & physically abuse you, but never walk away? how do you even look in the mirror anymore?

 

You forgive yourself by never allowing him to do it to you again. That's YOU giving yourself another chance at living life again. You look in the mirror and start telling yourself that you are never going to allow a man to treat you so abusively again. Never. And you stick to that. That's how you forgive yourself and move on.

[ConfusedT]

i guess i just lack that self-confidence that i used to have inside of me. i look in the mirror and i see someone who is broken beyond repair, beautiful, but broken. i allowed him to destroy my self-image and my personal beliefs. I do have to take a stand and today is the first day of the rest of my life, so why not start now? its so far down, im so at rock bottom, after everything that i've been through, it has to get better from here. nowhere but up. i wish i would have never relapsed, made it so much worse on me. i was actually doing something, making some strides ya know?!? then i fell back down..

[BLuvv]

@ConfusedT: I definitely know what you mean. My head and my heart don't always agree. I can logically say to myself I desrve better, but my heart doesn't buy into that idea. And I know it feels like the bad relationships, you try even harder and end up with nothing. A good relationship, I can't even imagine, but I imagine it shouldn't be this hard. And I think the relationship is just a symptom of other problems. In a lot of ways, these exes are such a minor thing in our lives. There are more important things to worry about, like putting your life back together. And people go through tons of horrible things and recover. Surely, I should be able to get through this.

 

And you're not the only one to relapse and go back. I've done it too. I surely wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over it. I need to learn to take my own advice. Easier said than done. But at least you know you are not alone. And I feel those feelings too. We just have to believe things can get better and it's up to us to get there.

 

B

[BLuvv]

@Geegirl: yeah, I think that's another reason a counseler will help because they have an outside perspective and all the things I tell my mom have an emotional reaction. This time around I think I wont share everything. Some of it will just hurt her and do no good. She's a good person, but damaged like me. Part of me wishes she could be happy more than myself. I just feel like she will never move on. She's let fear keep her where she is for so long.

 

I think fear keeps a lot of us stuck. I feel trapped by fear every day. This isn't the life I wanted at all, but I'm scared of trying to find better and failing. For so long, I let fear of the unknown and being alone keep me from moving on from a relationship that was long dead. Maybe it's because I have never had a healthy relationship, I wouldn't know it if it came and smacked me upside the head.

 

I just have to stop being afraid or just do things even though I am afraid and face my fears. I still don't know what the heck to do other than find a good counseler. But hopefully it will lead me to the next steps. Im also more convinced nc is good for me. I was having a weak moment and just feeling lonely, but talking to him always made me feel worse. Im sick of talking to him. I just want to be happy again doing my own thing. Not going through every day as if it's a boring, miserable routine and putting a fake smile on my face. It seems like the longer I pretend to be happy the worse I feel. It's obviously not helping!

[geegirl]

You sound like me B. I too feel bad for my mother and sometimes wish I can make her life better, and sometimes I resent her for making mistakes in her life (my father) that affected me as well. But I know she never had the resources, had a terrible childhood herself and that she was a product of dysfunction herself. My heart always goes out to her so I try to protect her feelings when I have my issues to deal with.

 

Failing is when you never try and never put yourself out there. It will all come together as you go along and find ways to regain your self-esteem. You don't have that confidence right now. It was broken by your father and the bad relationships that kept you down. Stay NC, stick to therapy, involve yourself in passions you love and excel in them, volunteer, make new friends, take classes, go to the gym and start getting physically healthy...find ways to nourish your mind and soul. When you start rebuilding and developing yourself, you will be more secure and sure in your choices. You know, not being able to tell a bad R from a good one, that's because you've lacked boundaries. You let everyone and anyone in whether it hurt you or not. Therapy will help set those groundrules for yourself.

 

The rest will follow. Fear is never an option.

[eleanorhurting]

how long has it been since your breakup geegirl? you seem to have come a long way.

[geegirl]

Since New Years Eleanor. It's a choice at the end of the day. I was very determined to get over the damage and it's still a work in progress. But again, it all boils down to a choice.

[eleanorhurting]

i know this is a personal question but have you "dated" other people?

 

I had a really really bad breakup December 2010 (1 month before you did) and around April i thought i was ready to date someone with the purpose of being in a relationship and it ended up being a bad almost fwb deal. I wonder if I would be as strong as you are if I had healed completely instead of thinking i did.

[geegirl]

Didn't date anyone until recently. I guess I made a conscious choice not to date until I felt completely sure about being healed. I wasn't seeking an R. I put a lot of work into finding ways to "get better". And even when there was interest from guys, I was very level headed about it. I didn't want to make wrong choices, especially when you're not healed, you have a strong chance of making bad choices. Healing is a different journey for each person. There is no timeline. And when you're "seeking" an R while you are healing, most likely you're running away from your hurt and pain and needing a replacement.

Edited October 12, 2011 by geegirl

[BLuvv]

@geegirl: Yeah, I definitely know what you mean. Although, in my mom's case she grew up in a normal family. Her dad is nothing like my dad. I do understand why my mom stayed with my dad, and she's told me why. She's wanted to leave many times, but never has. I do get frustrated feeling like dad is getting away with it. And on the outside, people have no idea what is going on. Appearances are very deceiving. Same with my life, it looks like I have it all, but people have no idea of the turmoil inside. My ex when I talked about my dad always seemed so skeptical and felt like I exaggerated. He said I should just talk to my dad, but he doesn't understand that you can't even do that, there is no talking. It doesn't work. I realize from so many years of that feeling that no matter what you do he will explode at you, it leaves you feeling ultimately helpless. You feel like there is nothing you can do and eventually you stop trying. The problem is it carried over into the rest of my life, where that "learned helplessness" has really hurt me. It was scary how easily I fell into the abusive relationship with my ex-fiance. I was lucky I got out. And the ironic thing is my ex-fiance was like best friends with my dad, yet my dad was there to help me get out. When I decided to leave I was honestly scared what my ex would do. I realized how right I was and that my instincts were correct after I did leave, because the stuff that he did following the breakup terrified me.

 

It took a long time for me to move on from that and in some ways I think I still haven't recovered. I read some more of my book last night and think I really need to heal from that trauma still. The ex I last dated is really the least of my worries. It's easy to see why I stuck with him. He was a "good guy" in comparison to my ex-fiance.

 

You're also right about failing would be not trying. I often get a psyched up that im going to make changes and do better and then fall back into old ruts before I really make much change. I just don't want to do that anymore. Im happy to see that although you've gone through this, you are living your life and moving on. It gives me hope that I can come out of this.

 

B