Feel like getting things off my chest

[BLuvv]

I've reached two weeks of nc today. Doing okay, besides a little freak out when my phone broke and I may have missed messages n worried if he tried to contact me and thought I was ignoring him (although considering I am nc, that's a moot point I suppose, but I just feel like ignoring people is rude).

 

Anyways, I've been up and down and all over the place, but keeping strong to not contact him. But I still have a nagging feeling I want to tell him why I went nc and how he hurt me. I hate that this past year of being "friends" he treated me like a f*** buddy and wouldn't even invite me to anything with his other friends. I mean, how can you call someone your friend and exclude them from everything??! When we were together I met all his friends pretty quickly and was always included, and that was one change that hurt the most. And I want to tell him that I can't be his friend because I never wanted to be his friend, all I wanted was to be his girlfriend, a fiance, a wife. But that's not what he wanted and I'm tired of accepting less because he can't give me what I want.

 

Someone please tell me how stupid this would be and there is no point in telling him. I know it wont change anything and probably wont do any good anyways. I just feel upset thinking he is off without me doing just fine when im here feeling heartbroken and torn up.

[TheDovic]

Wow, nobody else has jumped in yet????

 

Yeh, you said it yourself, it's stupid! This guy never wanted you to be his friend, he wanted you there in case HE needed you, but guess what? you're not there anymore... and your value just went up 100%!!! Phone him and it goes right back down though

[BLuvv]

@thedovic: thank you, I really appreciate your reply! Yeah, it's definitely better to vent here than to talk to him. I already know how those conversations go, they are completely useless, he's the most inflexible person I've ever met, refuses to change his routine, go anywhere he doesn't like, wont ever watch a movie he's not interested in, etc. But he had no problem putting the burden on me and I would arrange my schedule for him, always drove to his place, always watched the movie he picked. Ugh...I totally became a doormat and let him walk all over me.

 

I like how you said the value thing, it really rings true to me. I made myself so easy he didn't appreciate me. And its probably good my phone was broken if he did text or call so I didn't respond. The only way I can reclaim my dignity is to stop being at his beck and call.

 

Thanks again! It means more than I can say to have some comforting words when I am feeling down!

 

Hope you are doing well!

 

B

[eleanorhurting]

Im so proud of you for keeping NC for two weeks! I feel like im still stuck in square one!

 

I know how you feel because my friends have told me over and over the same thing. This person mistreated you!!! We really do deserve better and as much as i am extremely cynical right now, we have to believe that it will happen someday. Someone will love you and adore you for you and not for a **** buddy.

 

Its so hard I know but just keep being strong.

[BLuvv]

Im so proud of you for keeping NC for two weeks! I feel like im still stuck in square one!

 

I know how you feel because my friends have told me over and over the same thing. This person mistreated you!!! We really do deserve better and as much as i am extremely cynical right now, we have to believe that it will happen someday. Someone will love you and adore you for you and not for a **** buddy.

 

Its so hard I know but just keep being strong.

 

@Eleanor: It is so hard and it took me a long time to get to this point. To be honest for a long time I would get angry at anyone who would say anything bad about my ex. I defended him for a long time and then I finally had that last straw that pushed me too far and while it hurt like hell, it pushed me to finally do something.

 

I'm sure you will get there. And we all have setbacks, sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back. I feel pretty discouraged right now, but still don't want to contact him. I feel like this is the only way to take back my self-respect. I lost it for so long and was more worried about losing him than making myself happy.

 

I'm still trying to find the way back to happiness, but at least I'm on that road. Sometimes it just feels very lonely and scary like today. I think I'm still keeping nc out of sheer stubborness. But whatever works...at least for now until that day that nc becomes easy. I know it will get easier, but some days are very hard. But right now, I realize it's more that I'm just lonely than that I really want him. He hurt me too much, why would I want him back??! He didn't give me what I wanted when we were bf/gf and as a "friend" it was even worse. But just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other and look forward. Besides I have so many other things to worry about.

 

Take care and wishing you all the best! Thank you for your kind words!!

 

B

[ConfusedT]

you were just his fwb. its such a terrible feeling knowing that youre not important enough, but the good thing is- you're only not important enough in his eyes and in all honesty, his opinion doesn't matter! you are worth it to you and i bet to many other men who will actually treat you right and show you youre worth.

 

i am involved in one (you responded on it earlier), but i am truly, truly going to end it, by simply continuing the NC regardless of if he texts me or not. i gave up for a while, but you can't. you gotta keep pushin on and im ready to start again!!!!!

[BLuvv]

Thank you, ConfusedT. I know I even started believing his opinion of me. He always seemed so critical of me and constantly was telling me what I should do and blah blah blah. I bought into it and just felt worse about myself. Time to move on from that and find my confidence again.

 

Im glad you are ending that cycle. I know how it feels and im sure you will be better off. And you aren't alone, there are plenty of us in the world in similar situations going through the same emotions and struggles. We'll get there!

 

B

[geegirl]

I've reached two weeks of nc today. Doing okay, besides a little freak out when my phone broke and I may have missed messages n worried if he tried to contact me and thought I was ignoring him (although considering I am nc, that's a moot point I suppose, but I just feel like ignoring people is rude).

 

Ignoring people is rude. But ignoring someone who treated you poorly is not rude. Implementing NC is setting up boundaries to protect yourself from a person such as your ex. Did you think he thought it rude to use you as an FB?

 

Anyways, I've been up and down and all over the place, but keeping strong to not contact him. But I still have a nagging feeling I want to tell him why I went nc and how he hurt me.

 

You want to tell him you are on NC hoping you get reaction. You're hoping for, "But no, please don't go on NC with me...). You're hoping to hear something you want to hear. He knows he hurt you. You don't have to tell him.

 

I hate that this past year of being "friends" he treated me like a f*** buddy and wouldn't even invite me to anything with his other friends. I mean, how can you call someone your friend and exclude them from everything??!

 

If you were his f*** buddy, that is because you chose to play that role in his life. If you hate that he treated you that way, you should hate that YOU treated YOU that way. A f*** buddy is just that. Someone to have sex with. You are not included in any part of that persons life except sexually. You basically demoted yourself from girlfriend to f*** buddy and really there is no possible way of going up. It's all downhill from there. Always remember that you are thinking with your heart, and it's not the same for them.

 

When we were together I met all his friends pretty quickly and was always included, and that was one change that hurt the most. And I want to tell him that I can't be his friend because I never wanted to be his friend, all I wanted was to be his girlfriend, a fiance, a wife. But that's not what he wanted and I'm tired of accepting less because he can't give me what I want.

 

You tell him you cannot exist in his life under his terms by letting go and moving on. So what if you told him? The bottom line remains, he does not want you in his life in any other way. If you want to badger him into giving you a response that you want, just maybe if I told him this he would change his mind, stop deluding yourself.

 

Someone please tell me how stupid this would be and there is no point in telling him. I know it wont change anything and probably wont do any good anyways. I just feel upset thinking he is off without me doing just fine when im here feeling heartbroken and torn up.

 

The fact that he is doing fine is a reason solid enough for you to NC. You think he cares what you think or feel? He is indifferent and when he is indifferent, he cannot relate to your pain. He can't fix it. You want him to feel what you feel, think what you think. You believe he should and probably is. The fact is, he can't and no matter what you say, HE WON'T RELATE. Yes, you are hurt and broken, unfortunately it's the price we pay. You are the only one that can fix your hurt. He is your source of pain, not your source of comfort. You want him to pay, you want him to hurt...all normal feelings but sadly, you get nothing out of it. The only way is to barrel through NC and deal with the pain and the finality/reality of the situation via other mediums, just not through him.

[BLuvv]

@geegirl: Wow, not gonna lie that really hurt to read that. I know I have to move on and the only way to get past this is no contact. It just sucks because honestly I thought he was different than other guys. It's not the first time i've been treated this way by men. But when the first years when we were together as a couple he treated me better than any guy had ever treated me. Part of me feels like he isn't a bad guy, but it's my own issues that cause guys to treat me this way. I don't know how to assert myself and get the respect I want.

 

I do wish I could see a reaction out of him, something I'm sure I'll never get, but I can't help it. I want to believe he cared about me. Maybe he did at first and then over time he lost respect for me. I don't know. I just hate thinking it's my fault this happened. I wouldve never intentionally chose this situation. Maybe I could've had a good relationship finally had I only been better. Through out this whole time i've been thinking maybe if I just was better I could be good enough for him. I tried so hard and ended up with nothing. God I feel like crying.

[BLuvv]

@GeorgiaR: thank you for your thoughts. And I hope everything turns out well for you too!

[momto3boys]

First off good job on the NC for 2 weeks, its hard! I wouldnt bother telling him how you feel because its not worth it. I'd keep NC and eventually you'll feel better. I have been doing LC or NC (we have a child together) and seriously after a week of little to NC i feel better.

 

I do the same thing you're debating though, i tell my soon to be ex-husband how much he hurt me, etc. He never cares and usually afterward i feel worse!

[geegirl]

B, I'm sorry that it hurt but sometimes when you have those rose tinted glasses on, you fail to see the reality of what the situation is and who your are dealing with. The truth does hurt and most times we avoid it all costs because we want what we want.

 

We all think they are different. I thought my ex was different. I was so wrong. When they show you time and time again, through action who they really are, that is who they really are. Don't try to justify, brainwash, deny yourself into thinking otherwise. The thing is every guy you've ended with, I bet you kept saying you thought he was different from the other guys. There is something about you that keeps picking these types of clowns. And until you figure the root of your problems, you will keep repeating yoru patterns.

 

You teach people how to treat you. If you have clear boundaries as to what you will accept and won't, what you will fall for and won't, then people will treat you accordingly and vice versa. If you don't have any boundaries, then people/men will run rampant in your life. It all boils down to how you choose to run your life.

 

He may have cared for you B, in his own way. But not enough to give you what you want. Not enough to be there till the end. Not enough to respect and treat you with decency. When you allow a man to use you that way, it tells him that you don't respect yourself enough to say no and if you don't respect yourself enough, why should he?

 

With hurt comes growth. Use this to push yourself to find reasons why you keep repeating unhealthy behaviors. Use this as a lesson. It is not about being not good enough or trying harder. When two people click and are emotionally healthy for each other, it's not about trying harder or fighting to be good enough. It will all fall into place. This guy is not for you.

[ConfusedT]

geegirl is so right. its like im reading her advice to me in your post. she is SO strong, listen to her. when i was listening to her and actually following her advice [smh] i had actually started to move on with my life and started feeling better like everything was ok.

 

now, i feel like **** again because i literally broke every promise to myself, my son and did everything that i shouldnt have done. i went from girlfriend to **** buddy too and i am so disappointed that i allowed it, but in the end, I ALLOWED IT. he doesn't care, they dont care and they never will if we continue to disrespect ourselves by allowing them to get the better of us, when we dont even give the better of ourselves to ourselves....

[BLuvv]

@momto3boys: thanks, and I believe you're right to just keep with no contact. Im having those days where I don't feel much progress just another number to add to the days for not doing something (not contacting him, now on day 15), but I haven't made much progress in the way of making changes. I can't imagine having to have kids with my ex and dealing with that and a breakup, im sure you must be very strong to handle all that! And yeah, I have told my ex before how much he hurt me and he said the sleeping together would never happen again and swore it. Well of course it did, but yeah it takes two to tango, so it's my fault too. But yeah, ultimately telling him it hurt didn't do any good and he insisted he cared about me more than that, but I guess actions speak louder than words.

 

Good luck to you!

[BLuvv]

@geegirl: yes, you are right and I thank you for your honesty. I've been spending this past year avoiding dealing with the real issues. And I guess it doesn't matter what kind of guy he is. Only one of my friends ever told me he was no good. Everyone else in my life just thought he was great. Then again, I guess a lot of people didn't know most of the story. Im generally not very open in my life with people. Im at work and feel like crying, but gotta hold it together. Not one person here knows what I'm going through. My boss only just recently asked about my bf and I told her we had broken up last year but didn't elaborate. And I even work with my dad and he has no clue. There is no point to going to my dad, he's the original guy in my life who treated me poorly. He is the type who is highly critical and other people even comment on the fact that he never has anything nice to say to me. He never physically hurt anyone, but the effects are just as painful if not more so. The worst moment was the day he told me I was a worthless piece of s***. Sad thing is I can't let that go. It pains me just to write that out. Honestly, I feel like I have to get a different job and start getting out from under his thumb if I can ever get anywhere. He still has so much control in my life, despite the fact that I left and moved out at 18 and have been basically on my own.

 

And I think it's true you have to go through that pain. Avoiding it will only lead to it coming back later. I am seeing a psychiatrist and still working to get to a better place. He gave me some reccs for counselers, hopefully I can get some help from that avenue. My family seems to think I need to just tough things out, but that hasn't worked and I can't go on pretending everything is fine. I've just gone on carrying all this burden alone and it's so hard for me to reach out and admit I need help. Barely anyone in my life knows what im dealing with and no one knows the whole story. I guess im ashamed to admit I let this happen.

 

Thank you again for your advice. It really is appreciated!

[BLuvv]

geegirl is so right. its like im reading her advice to me in your post. she is SO strong, listen to her. when i was listening to her and actually following her advice [smh] i had actually started to move on with my life and started feeling better like everything was ok.

 

now, i feel like **** again because i literally broke every promise to myself, my son and did everything that i shouldnt have done. i went from girlfriend to **** buddy too and i am so disappointed that i allowed it, but in the end, I ALLOWED IT. he doesn't care, they dont care and they never will if we continue to disrespect ourselves by allowing them to get the better of us, when we dont even give the better of ourselves to ourselves....

 

Yeah, I wish I could see things so clearly. I just still have this idealized image of my ex in my mind of what I wish he was. Im trying my best to stay nc and have so far, some days were easy, some I doubt this is doing any good, but it's the only way I feel like.

 

And I know how you feel. This past year I would promise myself I wouldn't do this again and then he would call and next thing you know im in my car driving to his house. Occasionally I would confront him, but it never did any good and I would always give in later. I know it's my job to stand up for myself, but sometimes I just couldn't do it. It's a good thing im sure that he's no longer contacting me, even though every day I don't hear from him I feel the knife in my heart twist a bit more. It's ironic though that im trying to keep nc but I hurt so bad not hearing from him. I should be thankful he's not calling when im in a weak state.

 

Here's to hoping for better days and hoping from this pain some good comes out of it!

[geegirl]

Yeah, I wish I could see things so clearly. I just still have this idealized image of my ex in my mind of what I wish he was. QUOTE]

 

"what I wish he was"

 

All the wishing in the world won't change the reality of him. Wishing him to be something he isn't, will keep you where you are indefinitely. When you idealize him, counter those thoughts with who he really is. Think of all the things that made you go eeeew! Trust me, you'll have a change of heart as time goes by.

[BLuvv]

Yeah, I wish I could see things so clearly. I just still have this idealized image of my ex in my mind of what I wish he was. QUOTE]

 

"what I wish he was"

 

All the wishing in the world won't change the reality of him. Wishing him to be something he isn't, will keep you where you are indefinitely. When you idealize him, counter those thoughts with who he really is. Think of all the things that made you go eeeew! Trust me, you'll have a change of heart as time goes by.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. My ex-fiance was controlling and abusive and when I found the courage to leave him I did go no contact for about two months and then he showed up at my door and when I saw him I was honestly repulsed and disgusted by the sight of him. I still look at this ex as a good person and still am attracted to him. That's one reason I can't hang out with him anymore, I don't trust myself with him. I just don't know how long it will take til I see him in a different light??

[geegirl]

I even work with my dad and he has no clue. There is no point to going to my dad, he's the original guy in my life who treated me poorly. He is the type who is highly critical and other people even comment on the fact that he never has anything nice to say to me. He never physically hurt anyone, but the effects are just as painful if not more so. The worst moment was the day he told me I was a worthless piece of s***. Sad thing is I can't let that go. It pains me just to write that out. Honestly, I feel like I have to get a different job and start getting out from under his thumb if I can ever get anywhere. He still has so much control in my life, despite the fact that I left and moved out at 18 and have been basically on my own.

 

I know how you feel B. My father ridiculed me and tore me down with insults all through my growing years and it never leaves you. I used to get called useless, good for nothing, slut, stupid, ugly. You name it they called it. It stays with you. Almost becomes second nature. You believe what they say and then you slowly let it erode who you are and your value. That in turn leaves you in a position of not being able to stand up for yourself, create healthy boundaries and distinguish bad from good. I left home when I was 18 and in time I emerged a different person. Years later, I've gone home several times and my family has commented that I seem like I've come from another family. My thoughts and outlook on life is so different from theirs. If you don't detach from your father's negativity, you will always be kept down. If you do, you will be able to flourish. If I didn't leave, I would most probably be like my father.

 

And I think it's true you have to go through that pain. Avoiding it will only lead to it coming back later. I am seeing a psychiatrist and still working to get to a better place. He gave me some reccs for counselers, hopefully I can get some help from that avenue. My family seems to think I need to just tough things out, but that hasn't worked and I can't go on pretending everything is fine. I've just gone on carrying all this burden alone and it's so hard for me to reach out and admit I need help. Barely anyone in my life knows what im dealing with and no one knows the whole story. I guess im ashamed to admit I let this happen.

 

Don't listen to your family. Listen to what you believe you need to do for yourself. Your father calling you names does not speak of his ability to make sound and positive judgements and decisions for you. You make them for you. A sign of strength is knowing how to ask for help when you need it. The fact that you acknowledge your need to improve yourself is half the battle won. Don't be ashamed. From all this comes growth. We all make mistakes, we stumble and we fall but we get back up and if you need resources to help you, get them. My parents used to think I was wasting time and money on therapy to undo their mistakes put upon me, but the truth is, they're still in their same old rut, while I've moved on to bigger and better. Don't let anyone keep you down, especially your family. Seeking help is not a weakness.

[BLuvv]

@geegirl: Yeah, I started realizing I am more likely to believe negative opinions about myself like the ones from my dad than anything positive, or even my own opinions. When I first left home I went away to college in another city, and it was the first time I was away from this dysfunctional environment. I had the greatest and happiest years of my life, until I met my ex-fiance during undergrad. After that relationship exploded I moved back home, got my own place but was back near my family and they were all I had left at that point basically. All my friends scattered across the globe.

 

Fast forward to now, and my life is so intertwined and stuck with theirs. I have fallen back into depression and old ruts and I hate where my life is at. I don't know how to get out of it. And I know what you mean, my mom thinks therapy is a waste of money because she says she tells me the same thing for free and I just don't listen to her. But while I know she has good intentions, she's stuck in an unhappy relationship with my dad. And her biggest worry is how to keep him from getting mad. But I know you can't do anything about him, no matter what you're never good enough and you just hope it's not too bad when he blows. It's ruining my mom and I's relationship. We were so close when I was away and now if we hang out and my dad is around he is annoyed by my presence. If my mom comes to hang out with me, my dad gets mad that she's gone. Yet, I don't want to be away from my family, they mean the world to me. But I feel like the dysfunction is keeping me from getting anywhere (or maybe I'm just using that as an excuse???) I am really wanting to finally find a counseler and set up an appointment. I feel like that could help me see what I should be doing.

 

I also got and starterd reading "It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence". I'm hoping it helps, I've read too many books that just describe the crappy situation I'm in and label it, but otherwise offer no tangible advice as to what to do. I would like to fix the issues without moving away again, but occasionally I feel like just leaving and starting over somewhere else again. I'm just not sure where to even start right now??

[eleanorhurting]

im sitting here crying as i read this! i know how you feel because i have been in a similar situation for the past couple of months. i am going through so much pain right now not just because of the fwb situation but because of the pain i have gone through this past year where i have allowed so many people

To walk all over me. i still have not forgiven myself for a mistake of my past and i think i mistreat myself and allow others to do so as a way of coping with my guilt. I also do not have a great relationship with my dad. i want to move forward but sometimes my broken heart weights so much i cant help it but break down and cry.

[geegirl]

You don't have to detach from your family to gain your independence and your sense of self. The thing is, they can tell you how to fix your problems on a surface level, but you need someone to help you get to the root of your issues B and find coping skills. Your parents are not going to be able to do that for you because most likely, it has stemmed from them.

 

I believe finding a good counselor will help sort the issues in your head. It's as if she/he will be able to help your organize your thoughts and find a path versus you feeling all muddled and confused with 50 thoughts going on at one time. She/he will be able to help you find the right coping skills in dealing with your family. Find the root of your problems and why you make the choices you do. You may need to go through a few until you find one that "clicks" with you. Sometimes the first one will be it and sometimes you will have to try a few to get to the one that has a style best suited for you. Great, that you are taking steps.

 

In the beginning I also struggled with wanting to leave. I felt guilty about leaving my mom, but then angry that I was stuck. A host of emotions. I moved an hour away. That way I still close enough to visit yet at a safe enough distance to remove myself from the dysfunction. I don't know what would work for you but maybe after you see a therapist, she will be able to help you figure out what you really want.

 

You're starting on the right track. Find a good therapist first. One step at a time. It will take time before you are able to map a plan for yourself but for now, you're off to a good start.

[BLuvv]

Eleanor, I can definitely feel your pain. I've been on the verge of tears all day, just a few more hours until I can go home. It is hard and I think we've gotten to the point we don't believe we deserve better. Im scared to go find a better job, I'm scared to find a better guy, heck even the friends I have I feel like take advantage. My best friend last year moved in with me and after I confronted her about letting her unemployed, alcoholic, scary boyfriend basically stay at my house rent free (and she had the nerve to say I was being unreasonable) and then she moved out one day when I was gone and didn't tell me and never paid me a dime of the money she owed me. She was the one friend I used to confide in about things like this, and we haven't spoken in over a year.

 

But I do know you deserve better! I haven't been able to believe it for myself, but it's clear to me for you that you don't deserve the bad treatment you've endured. Like I said before, we all make mistakes. We're only human. I think the first person you need to forgive is yourself. (Now if only I can take my own advice!) But I truly do wish you happiness! We may not know each other besides some internet posts, but I feel glad that there are others like you for support who truly understand what it is like.

 

B

[BLuvv]

Geegirl, thank you! Seriously, it helps so much to have your outside input. I agree on the counseler thing. A big issue is I overthink and obsess on things and I get overwhelmed to the point I stay stuck. I haven't seen a counseler since high school, and I hated that one. And my mom pulled me out of there as soon as I told her I was talking about my dad, she wanted me to just work on other issues and didn't want me talking about that.

 

I think finding the right counseler will help a lot. I like the psychiatrist I see, but he deals more with the medication issues. So far, I haven't found the right regimen, but the dr is very good about listening and working with me and actually takes my input into consideration. It was a step in the right direction, instead of doing nothing.

 

Also, I do want to separate myself and am not sure if leaving is the answer anyways. It's so complicated at the moment, that it would take so much to completely be independent. In some ways, I truly am, in others not at all. Money is a big issue. And my dad likes to control people with money, I feel like. I think I need to have a plan to get to truly separate myself. I want to enjoy hanging out with my family and not feel sucked into the drama and dysfunction. I also think if I moved away again, there would be a lot of resentment towards me. Like as if I was being selfish and not being there for my family.

 

But yeah, I really think I need someone to talk to that can help me simplify these things. I tend to make things overly complicated.

 

B

[ConfusedT]

Eleanor, I can definitely feel your pain. I've been on the verge of tears all day, just a few more hours until I can go home. It is hard and I think we've gotten to the point we don't believe we deserve better. Im scared to go find a better job, I'm scared to find a better guy, heck even the friends I have I feel like take advantage. My best friend last year moved in with me and after I confronted her about letting her unemployed, alcoholic, scary boyfriend basically stay at my house rent free (and she had the nerve to say I was being unreasonable) and then she moved out one day when I was gone and didn't tell me and never paid me a dime of the money she owed me. She was the one friend I used to confide in about things like this, and we haven't spoken in over a year.

 

But I do know you deserve better! I haven't been able to believe it for myself, but it's clear to me for you that you don't deserve the bad treatment you've endured. Like I said before, we all make mistakes. We're only human. I think the first person you need to forgive is yourself. (Now if only I can take my own advice!) But I truly do wish you happiness! We may not know each other besides some internet posts, but I feel glad that there are others like you for support who truly understand what it is like.

 

B

 

OMG- i want to cry reading what you wrote. ive been crying all day. i guess it really hit me that it is time to let go. i am scared of everything now. i know i deserve better, but i dont feel it in my heart like i used to. my eyes are filled with tears, my heart is filled with sadness and im empty. i dont know how many of smiles arent even real anymore, the only person that gives me any happiness is my son, i dont even give me happiness anymore!!

 

how do you forgive yourself when you let a man verbally, emotionally & physically abuse you, but never walk away? how do you even look in the mirror anymore?

 

always stay because you think it'll change. i just kept hoping maybe he'll see how much i care for him if i stick around. i havent cared about myself since i met him. i am so conflicted inside, its slowly killing me.. =(

 

so yea, i kno ur pain. i sacrificed everything to wind up with nothing and now i have to rebuild from the ground up, with only remnants of myself left to start from..