Confusedbroken Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I have a huge issue, and I basically wanna know if I should break up with my bf or if I should wait until he can give me a definite answer! Ok basically 10 months ago my bf left to an overseas job, I have only gotten to see him once within the 10 months. I love him with all my heart but he is having a hard time committing to me. He tells me that he loves me but I doesn't know if he wants to get married and he's afraid that if he brings me with him then it's going to lead to marriage and he's not ready to committ yet. But we have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years, how long does it take for a man to know!!!?!?! I've known for a year now and I'm just waiting for him. But last night I asked him "are you in love with me or do you just love me" he said "I love you" and I said "I know but are you in love with me" he couldn't answer it!! He said "I don't know" and after talking about it for hours he started crying saying that it's not fair to me that he doesn't know, and he should know by now but he doesn't. He can't even say why he doesn't know!!! Now my bf is def NOT a crier, he didn't even somewhat shed a tear when I dropped him off at the air port 10 months ago, and yet here he was crying! I don't know what to take of it!! Is he really in love with me but just can't admit to it or am I just kidding myself!! Should I continue to wait? I'm in grad school right now and can't be with him physically anyway but we are both afraid that when I finish grad school that he will still not know and we would have wasted both of our times! He's 40 yrs old never married and I'm afraid that if he doesn't committ soon he will be too stuck in his ways and never marry. He says he wants kids but he's getting to the last half of his life and still doesn't have a progress with marriage. I want him to be happy I love him so much that if he doesn't want to marry me I atleast want him to get married soon!! But if we stay in limbo then there's less of a chance for him to ever experience being a husband and father! I don't know what to do!!
soulm8 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 He tells me that he loves me but doesn't know if he wants to get married and he's afraid that if he brings me with him then it's going to lead to marriage and he's not ready to committ yet. But we have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years, how long does it take for a man to know!!!?!?! I've known for a year now and I'm just waiting for him. Ouch! 2.5 years is enough time for him to know if he'd like to marry you someday. I know it's easier said than done, but please let him go, for your own good. If it's meant to be, he'll step up to the plate more than he has been. From what you've written, it looks like a breakup would only affect you... unless there's more to the story?
wildgeese Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I have to agree that 2.5+ years is plenty of time to know whether you're in love with someone or not. He may just be too weak to be on his own and is staying out of habit. That is not unhealthy and an issue of his that he needs to confront. I also don't think you should be so worried about whether he marries (anyone - not just you), because is the act really so important? He needs to learn how to have a healthy, fully functional and committed relationship first.
Author Confusedbroken Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Well yeah theres a whole story behind my patience with him. Basically he had not been in a relationship in 20 years before me!!!! He had gone on dates but always seemed to find something he didn't like about the woman he would go on a date with. Well I first became friends with him and soon realized that I wanted him, it took him a while to catch on and he had told me that before we started dating he kept thiking about the pros and cons, cuz I did have a couple things going against me but ultimately he decided that his feeling for me was strong enough that he wld go for it! Well we dated everything was great! But he had put in for an over seas position and ended up getting it. We brk up for a good week when he left but still kept talking I Cldnt act like I was just his friend so we decided to keep the relationship and act like he never broke up. Our relationship looks perfect from the out side, we never fight, we are never rude to eachother, we are completely honest with eachother, the list goes on. The only issue is that he can't take it to the next level! I've talked to him about it before he left but we got no where, he couldn't give me an answer. When I visited him we ended up looking at rings which got me excited but when I had asked him about possible marriage the day I was leaving he couldn't give me an answer, just I dont know. He tells me that every other life changing decision he had to make had been easy, he just knew what he wanted no question but for some reason he doesn't know what he wants in this situation! I'm being really patient with him because I know how he is, it takes him forever to decide anything, and he over analysis everything!!! But it really hurt when he couldn't tell me that he is in love with me!! Altho he did admit that he loves me more than anyone in this world. He made a comment about what he was thinking when I asked him that question he said that he thought to himself "if I'm in love with her wouldn't I want her here with me right now" and obviously he is ok with me being where I am. Apart of me and apart of him hopes that it is because I'm in grad school and it's important that I finish, but we are both questioning whether he will want me there after I finish. Well I see him in Jan, I told him that we shouldn't make a huge decision without being in person, so I'm afraid that after I visit I'll come home single :'(
FitChick Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Tell him you respect his feelings and while you are apart you will be dating other men. That should shake him up. If he still vacillates, then stop all contact. He sounds like he has emotional problems and should try the Lefkoe Method, the cure for everything!
Author Confusedbroken Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 I know that's EXACTLY what I should do!! The only thing is, if I were to say that to him I would be lying, because the fact is I dont even want to look at another guy!! Now this is a HUGE change for me compared to my other relationships because in all my other relationships I had always ended up somewhat liking other guys, I wouldn't act on it but I knew I didn't have all my attention on the guy u had a realtionship with. I thought that well that's how I am and it won't change, but then I started dating my current bf and since day 1 I had only had eyes for him, no guy even remotely matters to me! This is sooooo huge for me that's why it's hard to 1) let go and 2) want to date anyone else YES I do think that he has an emotion problem or something!!! But I know it's an excuse but he had not been in a relationship in way too long! It seems to ms that he doesn't know how to be in a relationship and he doesn't know how to express or even comprehend his feelings!!! Cuz really if I am the women he loves more than anyone in the world then how the tell is he not in love with me! I'm confused about his logic!!! What is the Lefkoe Method method?
Author Confusedbroken Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 So today as I was talking to my bf, he started joking about how one of my guy friends (who has lived overseas for 5 years and I communicate over email) is my "other" boyfriend. I just laughed and told him that he knows me better, then I said "because I'm head over heals for you" he laughed and I paused and said "yeah but your not head over heels for me..." and he said "that's not entirely true" I said "yeah but your actions speak louder" By that time we changed the subject. Hum.... I don't know how to analyze this... Maybe someone with an outside persecutive and who read my the top Post could maybe help me understand what he is thinking or feeling.
CrazyCard Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 So today as I was talking to my bf, he started joking about how one of my guy friends (who has lived overseas for 5 years and I communicate over email) is my "other" boyfriend. I just laughed and told him that he knows me better, then I said "because I'm head over heals for you" he laughed and I paused and said "yeah but your not head over heels for me..." and he said "that's not entirely true" I said "yeah but your actions speak louder" By that time we changed the subject. Hum.... I don't know how to analyze this... Maybe someone with an outside persecutive and who read my the top Post could maybe help me understand what he is thinking or feeling. I know a couple online who dated for six years before getting married. The guy in this relationship, while he was a really awesome person, was always really uncomfortable with definitively saying something unless he was 100% sure and ready to say it, the same goes for any decision making that he did. I had been friends with him online for several years, and it took him several years for him to even open up as a friend to me--that's just that kind of person he is. His wife had been telling him she loved him since about a year or so in, he said it back once and then didn't say it regularly until they met a year later, I asked her if that bothered her and she told me,"No, he's just not ready. I know he loves me and he'll tell me when he's comfortable. I don't want to force him and make him feel bad." He might have emotional problems, it's hard to say. He sounds a lot like my friend in the sense that it might take him a long time to fully open up to the idea of 'forever' with you even if he has committed to you. Just try to be patient, I'd say if you feel this situation applies to how he generally behaves don't try to do any head trips with him. If you feel you really need to talk to him about it, my advice is to be honest with him, just lay it out and ask him if he has difficulty with the idea of that heavy of a commitment right now, ask him if that's something that will change and ask what you can do to help. I'd recommend just backing off a little from it (you can still let him know that you love him and all that, but try to just leave it at what it is for the time being) and try to assess if this is an issue with how he is, is this something that you could deal with for life?
Author Confusedbroken Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 I know!!! I should have never asked him that question!! Everythihg was fine!! It was my mother who put stuff in my head!! The thing is I knew better not to point blank ask those kinds of questions, I mean it took me months to get him to tell me that he loves me, and I had slowly hinted and let him think about it on his own time and things worked out great!! But this time I stupidly asked him out of no where!!!! Not it went from bad to horrible!!! He broke up with me because he thinks that if he doesn't know now then he will never know, partly because his stupid brother told him that he should know by now and he's only saying I dont know because he really doesn't love me and he just doesn't want to hurt me. I know for a fact that's not true!!!!!! I know there is something but he doesn't feel right saying that if he's not 100% sure!!!! I know how he is and I'm very patient with him, but because I asked him everything is going wrong!!! We didn't talk for three days, I called him today cuz he called yesterday, I asked him if he's happy with his decision, after talking he said, I want a break, I said hell no, I'm not going through an emotional rollercoaster!!! I am very patient with him but I won't be patient if we are not a couple!!!! Damnit I knew better not to ask that question!! I know it is going to take a long time before he is sure, I know how he is and I have always been ok with that!! I'm kinda mad that I let my mom talk me into asking him such a serious question right away!! It's ok that he doesn't know but he seems to think that he should know right now! How can I convince him that he doesn't need to know now, there are lots of men who will take forever before they really know, he's one of those men!!! He took forever before deciding to date me, then took forever to tell me that he loves me, this is no different!!!
Author Confusedbroken Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 Well we are back together, he said he only did that because he thought in his head "it's not fair for any woman to have a man who can't tell her that he's in love with her" I told him, and meant it that "I'm ok with you not knowing, because if you do ever tell me I will be 100% sure that you mean it, unlike other men who don't understand the answer and says it anyway and never meant it" atleast he's taking the time to reflect on it. Well I am scared now, mainly because he so abruptly broke up with me, he should have known better to wait, last week I told him to wait. Man, after that episode I realize that even though he's older than me, when it comes to relationships I am definitly more experienced.
SammyLovex3 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 If you love him, you need to think about it yourself. No one can tell you what to do. They can tell you what they would do, or what they think you should do. But in the end, its your decision. If you left him right now, would you regret it tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Talk to him about it. Tell him how you're feeling and be honest about the fact that you're questioning things. I don't know what I would do, to be honest. But I would try talking to him about it and getting ALL feelings out before proceeding further.
Author Confusedbroken Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 You are right, I just wanted to hear other people's point of views because everyone I know are bias in one way or another. When I asked them they answer to what they always believed, cuz like my Bestie hates my bf, mainly cuz socially he is conservative and she's really liberal, and she wants me to be with my guy friend who I do not love at all, but she thinks cuz we r such great friends we wld b perfect, I think different! Then other friends who know my bf think that we are just the perfect couple and they are dead set on knowing we will get married. So I have a hard time talking to people I know about this. I just want opinions. Altho you are right I will make my choice no matter what people say, but some times defending your relationship or agreeing with people about it always helps to sort out how you really feel. Sometimes you just know but don't realize that you know.
Author Confusedbroken Posted October 22, 2011 Author Posted October 22, 2011 We are working things out!! I love him he loves me, he just has a hard time committing, and I've realized that I'm ok with that. He's the sweetest man in the whole world!! It may take time for him to be 100% sure and it may end up leading to nothing but I'm willing to take that risk. besides not knowing if we will get married, we have had the perfect relationship, we are honest, respectful, trusting, loving, kind, patient, man the list goes on, I can't just give that up Just because he's not positive!
LDR234 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 what is the age difference between you two? Since he hasn't been in a relationship for so long, it's going to be really hard to discuss his feelings openly with you. I'm so sorry you are in this situation Will you be able to find a job easily if you do decide to move there? If you guys don't work out when you are out there, will you have a stable job to support yourself? I would try and weigh all your options if you decide to continue on this path.
Author Confusedbroken Posted October 22, 2011 Author Posted October 22, 2011 Well I was hesitant to say our age difference because it's quite alot, 18 years apart. But I have always acted older than I really am, and emotionally he's still around my age, and he doesn't act his age at all. He also has a baby face so he still looks young. Oh and hes never been married and no kids. Now I'm aware of all the disadvantages in the future but before I started dating him I thought really hard about it and made my decision. I think that our age difference may be a big reason why he's so hesitant to tell me how he feels, or why he still doesn't know. Well I applied for a Good job where he is at!!!! But it's a really hard job to get, plus I think I need my masters degree to actually get it, but it takes about a year and a half to hear anything. There are jobs out there for me when I graduate. I know, the first thing I'm thinking about is finding a job first, the other problem we have is he's so old fashioned so he doesn't believe couples shld live together unless they are atleast engaged! But if I get the job I applied for then it will be perfect because I will be provided housing just like he is.
Author Confusedbroken Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 Well now im feeling anxiety!! Since my bf easily broke up with me, I'm scared that when I visit him, hes going to just break up with me. I don't know why I'm feeling anxiety about it, I mean he's so sweet to me, I called him and he couldn't talk and told me really fast and the next day I got an email from him saying that he's sorry that he didn't talk to me but he was in the middle of something important, I mean he was being really sweet about it, then he called me that day. So he's being really considerate and sweet to me, but its bothers me that he so easily broke things off... Altho we did get back together three days later, but I had to talk to him about it... I feel like he might be done with the relationship even though he hasn't acted like it... I think I'm just scared. Is it normal for me to feel this way?
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