verhrzn Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 How do you know if a guy you are seeing is just very laid back in his attitude towards physical contact, or if he just really doesn't like you enough to get jealous? I first ran into this attitude with an ex-bf... he stated that he saw nothing wrong with cuddling with his close female friends (not just arm around the shoulder on the couch, but full on spooning.) I felt very uncomfortable with this, and asked if he'd really feel okay with me doing that with my male friends... He told me that he wouldn't mind at all, because he's "laid back" and doesn't get insecure over "little stuff." I thought maybe he was just an outliner, but I've been running into this attitude more and more. For example, a few weeks ago, the guy I was friends-with-benefits with told me that he considered us dating, and was "focused just on (me)" but didn't mind if I was seeing other people... He said he'd only be "a little jealous" about me being physical with other guys. He also told me that he routinely spends the night cuddling with some of his female friends (he claims all they do is cuddle), and that he doesn't see the big deal. Another guy that I went on a date with also told me that he sees exclusive as not having sex with anyone else, but flirting, cuddling and kissing are totally fine. So... am I the outliner here? I get very jealous at the thought of a guy I like even flirting with another girl, let alone cuddling with her! My initial reaction is that if a guy doesn't get mind or doesn't get jealous about me dating other guys, he must not like me very much, but all of the guys have insisted that's not the case, they're just "laid back." Is this the social-normal attitude now?
iris219 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Because I know you're a very smart girl, I know that you know the answer to your own question. No, it's not normal to be physically intimate with others when in a committed relationship and it's not normal to be ok with your SO doing so (unless you both are into open relationships). If really care about someone, you are not ok with them cuddling with or kissing other people. It's not about jealousy; it's about respect and loyalty. It sounds like these guys are making their desire for an open or non-exclusive relationship clear. Move on if that's not what you're looking for. I would feel disrespected and betrayed if my BF did the things you list with other women. If I cared about someone, I can't imagine having the desire to cuddle with another man. That would be so weird. V, your FWB did not respect you like you wanted him to. You were not dating; you were a placeholder. You ended that right? If not, I would get out before I got hurt or you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
Author verhrzn Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 Because I know you're a very smart girl, I know that you know the answer to your own question. No, it's not normal to be physically intimate with others when in a committed relationship and it's not normal to be ok with your SO doing so (unless you both are into open relationships). If really care about someone, you are not ok with them cuddling with or kissing other people. It's not about jealousy; it's about respect and loyalty. It sounds like these guys are making their desire for an open or non-exclusive relationship clear. Move on if that's not what you're looking for. I would feel disrespected and betrayed if my BF did the things you list with other women. If I cared about someone, I can't imagine having the desire to cuddle with another man. That would be so weird. V, your FWB did not respect you like you wanted him to. You were not dating; you were a placeholder. You ended that right? If not, I would get out before I got hurt or you're setting yourself up for disappointment. I told him last week I was interested in being just friends, sans the benefits. He acted very hurt and said he saw us as dating, and why didn't I trust him... Which is kind of what spawned this question. I've been told several times (by my ex-bf, and now by my former-FWB) that I'm being insecure and not trusting by seeing cuddling as anything but platonic and innocent. Both my ex and this FWB said they weren't interested in an open or non-exclusive relationship, that they were absolutely committed to just me.... so long as I didn't "blow things out of proportion" and get insecure about how they acted with their female friends. That sort of reaction just really makes me question if my standards are too harsh, or "outside the norm" of what is now expected in exclusive relationships.
FitChick Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 If I were in an exclusive, committed relationship I wouldn't allow more than a hug to pass between me and a male friend or my boyfriend and a female friend. It's bad manners.
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