Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 I am struggling with going completely NC because I would never know how to re-initiate contact after time has passed. How does on go about re-kindling an old flame after having gone NC and working on themselves? I will still see him at an event and somewhere else the following week so I still feel like those mixed signals will be in the air despite my efforts to quash them. Finding the balance is the worst part and if I do go full NC ... firstly, I know he would get upset if I just stopped returning his calls out of the blue and secondly, I would never know how to re-establish some sort of relationship after that time apart. It's absurd that he can "investigate" my whereabouts but heavens forbid I ask where he is or what he is doing he doesn't tell me. If I were to respond to his questions in such a manner he would be infuriated by not getting a concrete response from me ... how to get the upper hand in this situation ??? I am realizing more and more that this is a major double standard
vsmini Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I am struggling with going completely NC because I would never know how to re-initiate contact after time has passed. How does on go about re-kindling an old flame after having gone NC and working on themselves? I will still see him at an event and somewhere else the following week so I still feel like those mixed signals will be in the air despite my efforts to quash them. Finding the balance is the worst part and if I do go full NC ... firstly, I know he would get upset if I just stopped returning his calls out of the blue and secondly, I would never know how to re-establish some sort of relationship after that time apart. It's absurd that he can "investigate" my whereabouts but heavens forbid I ask where he is or what he is doing he doesn't tell me. If I were to respond to his questions in such a manner he would be infuriated by not getting a concrete response from me ... how to get the upper hand in this situation ??? I am realizing more and more that this is a major double standard Read what I'm about to say. I have been in your shoes - so many people have. If I've ever seen a person on LS forum that needed the aide of www.baggagereclaim.com it's you. That website really helped me out when I needed it the most and put me on track to a healthy relationship that I'm in now. I've done what you're doing - being in denial, trying to figure out a strategy so I can get him back down the road after no contact, finding excuses to pick apart his confusing actions. I should have just listened to what everyone said and just gone NC. After some solid time on NC you come out of the fog you are in now. Yes honey, you are in a serious fog. It's painful to see what you're typing to us. You said it yourself - he can contact you and get in your business but if you try to do it to him he's furious. ??? This is the guy you're pining over? This guy that want an ego stroke? He sounds like a little boy...not a man and I hate to say it but it says a lot about the person you are if you're chasing after a guy like that. Time to grow up and forget about him. I know I'm right and I'm pretty sure you'll look back at this and struggle to understand why you gave a crap about him.
mike588 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Unless the dumper is not infatuated with another person. Otherwise, forget it, but patience is good. So true! In these cases where the dumper already has someone else are there any other benefits of N.C. other than for the dumpee healing?
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 I also forgot to mention that I recently found out he's speaking to another woman (someone he seems to contact when we break up) and when I asked him about it prior he said "I'm not looking for another relationship, I want us to be together, but you need to work through your issues, she means nothing to me". I actually know who this woman is and I know he would never pursue her in a serious way but it bothers me that he speaks to her whenever we break up. Is that his escape route? I just can't bring myself to go NC, although the more I pine over him, the more I put myself at jeopardy of getting hurt. Why am I doing this to myself! I wish I hadn't made all of my mistakes in the first place, then I wouldn't be in this situation today. Living life day to day, working, eating, sleeping is becoming very difficult & all I want is to figure out a way to right things with the man I love again. Is it impossible to do??
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 Fats, I hope your ex works her stuff out and everything works out in your benefit. I am proud of you for realizing that she needs space and going NC. I agree that it has worked for other people on this site and hope it works for you. Unfortunately, I am just not that strong right now. I have so much going on at home and at work I just feel like I deserve something from his end and going NC would probably hurt me even more. When I asked him why he is seeing/speaking to other women he said that he had already explained himself to me and that he was not looking for another relationship. When I told him what he was doing was unfair and unacceptable he said "so then move on" I guess I have my heartwrenching answer afterall....
M2155 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Unfortunately, I am just not that strong right now. I have so much going on at home and at work I just feel like I deserve something from his end and going NC would probably hurt me even more. When I asked him why he is seeing/speaking to other women he said that he had already explained himself to me and that he was not looking for another relationship. When I told him what he was doing was unfair and unacceptable he said "so then move on" I guess I have my heartwrenching answer afterall.... None of us are that strong in the beginning. As said earlier, you feel like you "deserve" something from him because you were there for him when he needed you. I can tell you it may not be fair, but it doesn't work this way! Actions in a relationship are usually based on "now." If he were there for you now (which he is not), it would be out of guilt (oh I have too becasuse she was there for me) and not love. You don't want that. His calls are not genuine concern for you. He is telling you exactly what you need to do and "move on." His contacting you is going to make this harder and he knows that, he has power over you. Thats why next time he calls you shouldn't answer at all. I'll chime in too, NO CONTACT!
Space Ritual Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I am struggling with going completely NC because I would never know how to re-initiate contact after time has passed. How does on go about re-kindling an old flame after having gone NC and working on themselves? I will still see him at an event and somewhere else the following week so I still feel like those mixed signals will be in the air despite my efforts to quash them. Finding the balance is the worst part and if I do go full NC ... firstly, I know he would get upset if I just stopped returning his calls out of the blue and secondly, I would never know how to re-establish some sort of relationship after that time apart. It's absurd that he can "investigate" my whereabouts but heavens forbid I ask where he is or what he is doing he doesn't tell me. If I were to respond to his questions in such a manner he would be infuriated by not getting a concrete response from me ... how to get the upper hand in this situation ??? I am realizing more and more that this is a major double standard Frankly, you are making excuses for going No Contact. You need to move on. this won't get any better. Quit BSing yourself. 1. Keep going to Therapy and work on improving yourself. 2. You can't "nice" your way back into this relationship. Plus the fact that he has you over and he texting another woman and obviously giving her updates on the evening sound all cozy if you are suspending your disbelief and watching a Lifetime Movie where everyone cheers on the couple as they find themselves and resume their life together(cue romantic music, roll credits, and watch the Shamwow commercial while drying your eyes...). That shows he is just giving you enough rope to hang yourself with...because he already knows it is highly unlikely any "change" you may exhibit will run farther than the weekend... I know it sounds harsh, but the reason it does is that you are looking for reasons to hang on until the bitter end with somebody that has checked out on you emotionally and probably just wants sex a couple of more times. What I am trying to say is that you are hanging on for all the wrong reasons...and your relationship(or the remnants of) are toxic enough as it is...please do yourself and the next person whom may in fact want to share their life with you a huge favor and get out of this....cut any and all contact and work on improving yourself... like war, we tend to go into the next relationship with the tools we had in our last one...look how that has worked out?
Zabs Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 No one ever went back to anyone for being a Sook! Do you yourself find 'begging' attractive? I don't. I find it screams neediness, insecurity, low self esteem...all the things that I am not....are you these things? If not, what would make you beg? :confused:Zabs xx
Author tassle01 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 It's just SO hard not to call and to break the pattern of calling, pleading, calling pleading. I keep looking at my phone to see if he will call as though I am waiting for the biggest news of my life. I've been reading other peoples stories and the trend seems to be that the more you call, the worse things go in the long run ... NC seems to be working for most people out there but I am sure I am not the only one who finds it terribly difficult.
redblack66 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 It's just SO hard not to call and to break the pattern of calling, pleading, calling pleading. I keep looking at my phone to see if he will call as though I am waiting for the biggest news of my life. I've been reading other peoples stories and the trend seems to be that the more you call, the worse things go in the long run ... NC seems to be working for most people out there but I am sure I am not the only one who finds it terribly difficult. I am saying one more time: if you want this person back, do not contact, as simple as that. Any person on this forum will tell you the same. We have all been there. My second last girlfriend came back after no contact for 3 weeks, but then I was not interested anymore. Each case is different, so do not hope, just go NC.
Author tassle01 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Was there anything that helped you go NC? Even going to a class at my gym last night didn't work for me. I kept thinking about him and a girlfriend told me I looked sad ... halfway through the class I checked my phone, it was miserable.
Mack05 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 What you do not understand is you are co-dependent, you expect him to give you the same treatment that he gave you. You can't see that this relationship is toxic. It's beyond toxic. One of the things I am going to point out is a relationship ending hurts like hell no matter who ends it but you need to have enough self esteem and confidence to see that he does not want you anymore. You say the words, "I am going to change for him" Thats the definition of co-dependent. You change for yourself and only you. What happens if you change for him and give him everything that he wants you to give and then leaves you again? You are left with nothing, you do not know who you are, you dont have your own identity and you have this HUGE HOLE in your inner being that is going to take you years to fix. You cant fix this relationship, its over, you need to have to confidence and self esteem to see that, focus on you and your work, get therapy, and move forward Your relationship is toxic, classic pull - push. Wilsonx is spot on in his replies to you and you need to re-read those replies over and over again until it eventually sinks in. You are willing to make all these changes but it doesn't matter. Your relationship will not survive, no matter how many changes you make. The common mistakes people make in toxic relationships is they think to themselves, if only we can overcome this issue then it will be plain sailing. Very often there are more unexpectant problems waiting over the horizon. The problem is you. You haven't dealt with your personal issues. You have broken promise after promise. To him your promises mean absolutely nothing and therefore his trust in you has gone. If his trust in you has gone you can make all the 'false' promises in the world and he will not come back. You need to go NC and stay NC. This is immensely difficult but it is crucial as regards your healing. Once you have healed you can then focus on your flaws. You can focus on why you behaved you did in the relationship and work on improving yourself as a person. Say you will change is a pile of Balony no matter how good your intentions are. People can only make changes when they discover whats behind the irrational behaviour. This is a process that takes months and sometimes years, so saying you will change means absolutely nothing. You are like the alcoholic that promises to change and never drink again. The wife beater that promises to change and never hit his wife again. Promising to change is the biggest bull***** statement people use in an R. Please use this time to focus on just use. Therapy is am amazing process which helps you figure out why you do the things you do. When you are armed with self awareness you can then make real and genuine improvements to yourself as a person. You need to accept the trust is gone and the relationship was not a good one in the first place. Toxic relationhsips are the worst to recover from so we know your pain. Once you have done the hard personal work on yourself, learn to love yourself again then u can attract the right type of man..
geegirl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Was there anything that helped you go NC? Even going to a class at my gym last night didn't work for me. I kept thinking about him and a girlfriend told me I looked sad ... halfway through the class I checked my phone, it was miserable. Tassle, you need to get a grip. Nothing happens overnight. It was a month before I finally stopped checking my phone. You think going to one class at gym is going to erase it? No. It's going to take time. It's normal to think about him and look sad. It's a break up. It's a loss in your life, a death. This is your time to grieve. And when you grieve, this is what you will do. Look sad. Check your phone a million times. Feel miserable. Etc. You just have to realize that you have to go through it to get past it.
M2155 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (Ok, I meant to post this here:o) I know some people have to be burned a number of times before they learn not to touch the stove... My relationship was nothing like yours, my ex was in love with someone else so "getting him back" I slowly realized was unrealistic. Fortunately, I'm not even sure I like him anymore and NC has helped break my connection toward him. Anyway, it may or may not help, but I can tell you two things that helped me with NC, aside from reading and posting on this board (cause you don't want to disappoint the LS readers:p): I put a countdown on my bathroom mirror w/ a dry erase marker. I wanted to go 75 days NC, just as a personal challenge, maybe you can start lower. Its a slight sense of accomplishment to know you've made another day. I think I'm near day 30 (left to go) but I'm starting to slack off on updating it, which is great. You will get stronger as you see the number going down. I have a draft email/letter to my ex, what I would say IF I ran into him or if he contacted me. Every few days I go back and edit it. It gets shorter and shorter and less and less emotional as the weeks go by. Earlier on I would be writing it in tears and then the next time I go back to edit, I think how glad I am I didn't say that to him. How weak it sounded. You HAVE to get your feelings out and you will grieve for a long time. But you can't do it with him. You have to break away. You have to start by believing you deserve better.
Author tassle01 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 M2155, that's amazing, keep going strong! I'm not sure where everyone get's the strength from to move on and pick up with their lives but I am happy to hear so many people doing it and being successful in their efforts. He keeps texting me today, not responding is driving me bananas! These texts and constant contact from his end is what keeps me going. Makes me believe that he cares, that he too sees a possible future. I mean ... what other reason would he have to initiate contact? I am not sleeping with him or giving him any benefits of having me as his gf but he doesn't let up! I think because we did not cheat on each other and we were not abusive (physically) at least towards each other we both see the relationship as salvageable. I am not disregarding what everyone has posted to me and I greatly appreciate everyones input and deep down inside I know everyone is right and I am so stuck in this tunnel of lost hope. The greatest struggle for me will be seeing him and being COOL CALM & COLLECTED! Nearly impossible for such an impulsive personality as mine. I know bringing up anything about our future or past problems will just damper any possibility of moving forward but being the quite passive submissive woman seems ridiculous to me as well. I always want to take a stand, have my opinion heard but like you've all said, better to back off and work on myself than be a door mat --- yuck!! Re-reading all of the posts on my thread and all the other threads on LS that are similar to what I am going through is helping me get through the day but 75 days??? Wow, more power to you girl!
M2155 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Its easier for me because our emotional bond probably wasn't as strong, nor toxic and like I said, he went immediately into a seemingly happy relationship so me contacting him would look completely pathetic. I don't think he's contacting you because he cares. I think he's contacting you because he's used to you responding. I experienced this with an ex once, I was out with a new guy and kept getting calls and messages saying "it's not like you not to answer." Well that said it right there. It confuses them, they are used to having their way. I don't think he wanted anything, he just wanted to know I was available. Really your ex probably needs to detox from you as much as you do him but neither of you know how. Change his name in your phone to "I deserve better" or turn it off. We know it's hard.
geegirl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) He keeps texting me today, not responding is driving me bananas! These texts and constant contact from his end is what keeps me going. Makes me believe that he cares, that he too sees a possible future. I mean ... what other reason would he have to initiate contact? I am not sleeping with him or giving him any benefits of having me as his gf but he doesn't let up! I think because we did not cheat on each other and we were not abusive (physically) at least towards each other we both see the relationship as salvageable. I agree with M2155. Don't mistake his texting for caring. He's used to you giving in and it's a hit on his ego everytime you don't respond and he's waiting for the old Tassle to come back. It's game playing. There may not be sex or other benefits involved, but just like you, he has to detach himself from habit and the need to feed his ego. Nearly impossible for such an impulsive personality as mine. If you know you are impulsive, learn and practice self-control. I know bringing up anything about our future or past problems will just damper any possibility of moving forward but being the quite passive submissive woman seems ridiculous to me as well. That's not being passive or submissive. That is being smart and realistic in knowing that the man has already told you he is not in an R with you, therefore you avoid him at all cost. Being passive and submissive is actually giving into his every demand and want and laying down like a doormat i.e. entertaining him. I always want to take a stand, have my opinion heard but like you've all said, better to back off and work on myself than be a door mat --- yuck!! Your opinion is heard when you have no contact with him. Your silence will be loud and clear. Edited October 11, 2011 by geegirl
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