tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I am going to try and make a long story short, although it may be difficult. I have been dating a man for the past 2 years, 1 year of which has been long distance. We fell in love and made plans for a beautiful future and the first year was wonderful but things have gone down hill since then. I broke up with him about 1 year ago because of the constant fighting and turmoil, he says he was unhappy with my behavior, outburts and controlling facets of my personality. We were apart for about 2 months during which I met another man and dated him for a while but I soon realized I missed my ex and I came running back to him. He took me back and we had a string of break up's during this time. I knew he was speaking to other women and it really brought out an immense amount of jealousy and bitter feelings within me. For about 5 months I was acting out, being very aggressive, controlling, checking his phone records and being extremely possessive. Although neither of us is perfect I would like to stay out of the realm of blaming him and take the blame for my own actions which in retrospect I realize were completely overboard and lead to him not wanting to be with me. A few weeks ago, I had another outburst and he broke up with me. I went NC for a few days, but then he started calling me with a friendly undertone. I let it go on for a few days until I asked where we stand and he said he doesn't believe I will ever change and he doesn't think we could work things out. I promised him up and down that I will change and do the things he has asked from me in terms of my behavior towards him because I truly do love him and want a future with him. He says he's heard the same promises over and over and nothing has changed the last 20 times. I guess I just always thought I would let time take its course and things would work themselves out. However, this strategy failed me and now when I really am willing to change, it seems it's too late. He invited me out for dinner last night which was a really nice time but when we got back to his place he was texting another woman who I know he turns to whenever we break up. I can go NC, but he calls or texts me anyway so I don't know what to do at this point. I am in this awful circle where the same thing keeps happening. I mess up, beg him, please and promise to change ... he takes me back and we end up having another fight somewhere down the line which leads to a break up. He says this time he doesn't think I will change and doesn't trust that I will change and he feels he's put my happiness before his for way too long. I really do want to change for him but I'm not sure how much is too much before I just quit on the whole relationship. I love him with all my heart but I don't know how to make him see that I really am willing to change this time around and I am being serious about working things out. It's different this time because I feel as though I am losing him and that thought alone breaks me down into tears and heartache. Also, right now I have a whole lot going on at work which could determine my future and I need his support the most because he is my best friend but we keep fighting and it's bringing down my work which could have a drastic impact on my future. I don't know how to make him realize that I will truly change for him and be a better person towards him, he just doesn't believe it and nothing I say seems to make the light bulb click in his heart and mind. I do know that he loves me, that is not a question in my mind but he says how much of this can he take. He says he is hurt and since I keep doing the same things over and over to him it's emotinally abusive towards him and he doesn't think it'll stop if he takes me back again. I really can't live without him and want him back, how to make him see that I mean it this time is the question ...
wilsonx Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 People don't change and if they do its a slight change. Your relationship is already toxic and needs to end. This is a perfect example of a toxic relationship and what happens when a relationship ends and you try reconciliation. Both people get extremely jealous of what happens after the breakup and can't ever let it go. You will not change, he will not change. You need to go NC and focus on you. I am actually about to call you extremely co-dependent based on what you just typed Also, right now I have a whole lot going on at work which could determine my future and I need his support the most because he is my best friend but we keep fighting and it's bringing down my work which could have a drastic impact on my future. You need to focus on your work and get therapy for whatever causes you to have a NEED to have someone in your life. I can take a guess at what it is but this cycle needs to end and No Contact needs to be locked down. This isnt love, this is caretaker & hurt person relationship and he was the caretaker.
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 I don't really agree with you. I can understand where you see the co-dependecy idea from but about 6 months ago he was in the same shoes as I am right now at work and he really needed me there for him and begged me to support him (this is during the time at which I was dating someone else). I ended that relationship and supported him 100% during that time. I feel as though I deserve the same courtesy from him right now. It's difficult to focus on work when I have my heart, energy and time invested into a relationship I am desperately trying to fix. I made the same mistakes over and over and I do believe I will change and have changed, my issue is how to get him to realize this
wilsonx Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 What you do not understand is you are co-dependent, you expect him to give you the same treatment that he gave you. You can't see that this relationship is toxic. It's beyond toxic. One of the things I am going to point out is a relationship ending hurts like hell no matter who ends it but you need to have enough self esteem and confidence to see that he does not want you anymore. You say the words, "I am going to change for him" Thats the definition of co-dependent. You change for yourself and only you. What happens if you change for him and give him everything that he wants you to give and then leaves you again? You are left with nothing, you do not know who you are, you dont have your own identity and you have this HUGE HOLE in your inner being that is going to take you years to fix. You cant fix this relationship, its over, you need to have to confidence and self esteem to see that, focus on you and your work, get therapy, and move forward
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 Fats, thanks for the reply. I did mean it the other 20 times but like I said, I never really made the change because I felt like if I gave time its course, things would just settle down and get better. I guess this was foolish of me in this first place, I kept doing the same thing and expecting different results. I agree that we need time and I need time for myself to change but I'm not sure how to react in situations where he calls me or texts me himself, I get flustered and not sure how to react because I don't want to push him away.
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 It's so difficult to move forward when there is still contact from his end. I have to control myself sometimes, I am not changing my whole life for him, I am just changing something that bothers him and at the end of the day whether I am with him or not with him, it will be a change for my own benefit, something that will help me later in life with all other relationships.
wilsonx Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 When he calls your or texts you, you dont respond to him! Its that simple. That way you are not pushing him away or pulling him back in. You continue to do this for as long as it takes for you to move on
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 If I do that, he will show up at my house and freak out. Not picking up the phone or answering him is not an option. It will be both unhealthy for him and I. I don't want to go NC on the whole relationship because I really feel it is still salvagable ...
KathyM Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Talk is cheap and means nothing, really. You've promised to change all those other times and you never did change. He sees this latest promise as just another attempt to win him back, that will not amount to anything but another blow up down the road. There's nothing more you can say to him to convince him you will be different from now on. I would suggest you get counseling so that you will develop insight into why you behave the way you do, and you will maybe get help with anger management issues, conflict resolution, and your need to control others. Only after you have received a good amount of counseling, and with it, insight and behavioral modification, will you be able to back up your promises that you will behave differently next time. So I would suggest, if you want to have any chance of getting him back in the future, stop begging him at this point and stop making promises you can't keep right now. Let him know you are starting counseling to help you deal with whatever issues had been a problem for you, let him know you would like to remain friends and keep in touch once in a while, and then call the counselor and make an appointment. Only after he actually sees that you have changed will he consider taking you back. Otherwise, it's just talk, and he has no reason to believe you will be different this time, regardless of your intentions. Intentions are not the same as actions. Only actions will impress him at this point.
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 I have been meeting with a therapist and haven't seen my ex in a while. Last night we had a dinner devoid of all drama and it was really nice to be together again. When we got back to his place some sort of petty conflict sparked a bigger conflict and it was back to square one. I absolutely do not want to make any false promises to him, because I am sick of being dragged back into the same circle of disappointment over and over. I have made the move I needed to change and I know I am on a positive path to change but I just feel like there is still always conflict with us and now it's over the smallest, pettiest of things. Kathy, would you say continuing my therapy and not having any contact with him for now is best? Maybe it's true what the say, the more you bother a man, the more it pushes him away? I've never been in a situation where I was being the chaser so it's driving me crazy b/c I'm not sure what actions are the proper ones and which are the wrong ones.
TheDovic Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I only read your title but I'm going to answer anyway. A) NO BEGGING!!!!!!!!!!!! Whether you want this person back or just want some type of closure, begging is not the way to do it. Dumpers are repelled by it and all you achieve is losing your self respect, so stop right now!
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 Thedovic - what's the best way to make ammends and get him back after I messed up 10 too many times ... I love him and want to fix it but am apprehensive about going NC and can't move on.
KathyM Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I have been meeting with a therapist and haven't seen my ex in a while. Last night we had a dinner devoid of all drama and it was really nice to be together again. When we got back to his place some sort of petty conflict sparked a bigger conflict and it was back to square one. I absolutely do not want to make any false promises to him, because I am sick of being dragged back into the same circle of disappointment over and over. I have made the move I needed to change and I know I am on a positive path to change but I just feel like there is still always conflict with us and now it's over the smallest, pettiest of things. Kathy, would you say continuing my therapy and not having any contact with him for now is best? Maybe it's true what the say, the more you bother a man, the more it pushes him away? I've never been in a situation where I was being the chaser so it's driving me crazy b/c I'm not sure what actions are the proper ones and which are the wrong ones. Definately continue with the therapy. Be sure to let your therapist know all the issues you've been having with your X and that you want to learn better conflict resolution and better ways of handling your impulses to fight and lose your temper. If you want to continue to see him as a friend and possibly more in the future, you're going to have to make a promise to yourself that you are not going to argue with him over anything right now, and as soon as a topic comes up where there is disagreement, I would suggest telling him that you don't feel you can discuss that topic right now, and would prefer to keep your meetings lighthearted and enjoyable. Don't rehash with him all the things that went wrong with your relationship at this time. Now is the time to establish a positive vibe and work on establishing a good friendship. Make an agreement with him that you will both put past issues on the backburner for now and not discuss them. Only after you have reestablished a good relationship and positive feelings for each other and have a very good insight from your counselor on why you behave the way you do and have learned better patterns of interaction, should you tackle with your X the issues that caused you to split. So my recommendation would be to maintain limited contact, and make sure you keep it lighthearted and fun, and make a promise to yourself that you will not discuss controversial issues with him, until such time that your relationship and you are on firmer ground and you've progressed enough in your counseling sessions.
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 Thanks Kathy, that sounds great. I will try my best to do so and will update you here. I have an event to attend in a week, he will be there so for now I will try to limit the contact and see how it goes a week from today.
vsmini Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 tassle, you seem to be ignoring all the advice given to you on this thread. Seems like you're just going to continue begging, a path that has got you absolutely nowhere and has probably made the situation worse. Continue to do that if you wish but it will fail and you'll be no better off. You're toxic for each other at the moment. I'll second this. I was in a situation very similar to Tassle, I acted the same way as well and now I look back and shake my head at how stupid I was. Hindsight is 20/20 - I see nothing but a big fat I told you so in a few months from this girl. You're wasting your time angel.
TheDovic Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Can I just agree with Fats. I have been on this forum for three months now and EVERY person who has begged their ex has chased them away even further and destroyed any doubt the dumper may have had re: whether or not breaking up was the right thing to do. It will convince them that breaking up was the right thing and they will also get a huge ego boost whilst your value is on the floor!
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 So then what's the other option? Over the time that you've been on the site what have people done that has worked for them instead of chasing and begging ... I know beginning and de-valuing myself is the worst thing I can do and I am trying my very best not to do it, I just don't know what else to do besides riding out NC ... this is awful
vsmini Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Can I just agree with Fats. I have been on this forum for three months now and EVERY person who has begged their ex has chased them away even further and destroyed any doubt the dumper may have had re: whether or not breaking up was the right thing to do. It will convince them that breaking up was the right thing and they will also get a huge ego boost whilst your value is on the floor! Exactly - and at the end of the day all you're left with is your dignity to near zero level and an ex out there that remembers you as "the crazy one" Not good. You'll keep begging until you've hit bottom and realize it's futile. Stick to NC - Everyone told me to do the same and I ignored it until it finally hit me that I was wasting my time. I know how you feel. You just have to wait for the lightbulb to come on. NC all the way.
redblack66 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 So then what's the other option? Over the time that you've been on the site what have people done that has worked for them instead of chasing and begging ... I know beginning and de-valuing myself is the worst thing I can do and I am trying my very best not to do it, I just don't know what else to do besides riding out NC ... this is awful Let me be point blank: open your ears and listen to what people say. If anything works, it is NC. If it does not, you are in a better place. GET BUSY. I am trying to do this now, getting busy.
TheDovic Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 So then what's the other option? Over the time that you've been on the site what have people done that has worked for them instead of chasing and begging ... I know beginning and de-valuing myself is the worst thing I can do and I am trying my very best not to do it, I just don't know what else to do besides riding out NC ... this is awful Unfortunately we don't have many weapons to win them back BUT knowing what NOT to do is always a good start, and I know that begging is like poison to any chance of reconciliation. There are ultimately two things we have, and that is NC and attraction. Now these kind of go hand in hand because you will be infinitely more attractive when you don't need him. For example, my old room mate had a female friend who was pretty and she really fancied me, but turned into kind of a stalker. I used to hide in my room when she called, but I seen her a few months back and she has a new boyfriend and guess what happened??? I FOUND HER ATTRACTIVE!!! My point isn't to go and start dating, because you're not ready for this, but not being available for this guy is a great start. As many dumpers know, my ex dumped me and felt sorry for me after the break up, but since then I have been less available, have told her very little about my life and don't ask her about hers much. Since I've started doing this she has practically begged to see me, has showed up at my house in tears and constantly texts and emails me. So maybe showing (even if you have to pretend - that's what I did because I was seriously messed up!! Anti-depressants, suicidal, in therapy etc...) you can live life without him will make you more attractive and might even make him consider whether or not he made the right decision. At present he has the comfort of knowing he can search for someone else whilst knowing you are waiting for him (because you beg him!), so remove this comfort and you might notice change! PS, normally after break ups the dumpee feels it worse in the initial few months, but the dumper tends to be hit with it after this, so be patient.
redblack66 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 PS, normally after break ups the dumpee feels it worse in the initial few months, but the dumper tends to be hit with it after this, so be patient. Unless the dumper is not infatuated with another person. Otherwise, forget it, but patience is good.
TheDovic Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Unless the dumper is not infatuated with another person. Otherwise, forget it, but patience is good. Good point!
Author tassle01 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 I know you are all right, it's just a matter of having the will power to follow through which is something I lack. My ex knew I wasn't feeling well last night so he just calls to ask how I am and if I need anything ... I say no thanks and asked where has was off to (mistake! i know!) and he says, "don't worry about it, we aren't together, don't investigate me". It's like his caring side is still there but then this apathetic, spiteful, mean side emerges and it just kills me. Am I the only one who sees this as sort of sending mixed signals? Why call me and act all boyfriend-ly only to follow it up by saying "we aren't together" - call me idiotic but this makes no sense to me and it just makes me harbor a heavier heart ...
vsmini Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I know you are all right, it's just a matter of having the will power to follow through which is something I lack. My ex knew I wasn't feeling well last night so he just calls to ask how I am and if I need anything ... I say no thanks and asked where has was off to (mistake! i know!) and he says, "don't worry about it, we aren't together, don't investigate me". It's like his caring side is still there but then this apathetic, spiteful, mean side emerges and it just kills me. Am I the only one who sees this as sort of sending mixed signals? Why call me and act all boyfriend-ly only to follow it up by saying "we aren't together" - call me idiotic but this makes no sense to me and it just makes me harbor a heavier heart ... So he can investigate you and see how you're feeling? He's using you as an ego stroke. I have very little doubt about that. You guys have to stop speaking otherwise this stupid drama will play out forever.
geegirl Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 This is what happens when you beg and chase someone. The know you're right there, on their terms. Not your terms, their terms. The fact that he says you aren't together is enough for you to send his **** packing and focusing on your NC. Yes, of course he is giving you mixed signals, and he'll keep doing it to keep you where you are.
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