Ladies: what happens when the facade of confidence begins to show cracks?

[ptp]

I know ladies find confidence in a man very attractive, but in a LTR when the honeymoon phase has come to an end and you are getting to know your SO more intimately, how does that change your perception of your BF?

 

Even the most confident person is insecure about something in his or her life. It could be insecurity about your relationship, one's career, education level, family issues, physical appearance, friendships or money etc...

 

When your SO starts to show these insecurities does he become less attractive to you or do you overlook it because you are in love with him?

 

In a LTR should a guy feign confidence to keep the girl's attraction level high?

 

Just wondering what your experiences have been.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's essential to me that my guy be honest about who he is. I would much rather see some honest insecurity than a lot of fake confidence.

 

I'm learning a great deal from my current lover about confidence. He knows he has some weak points, and he doesn't try to hide them. What's great about him is that he accepts those flaws, works on improving them in a gradual way, and exudes comfort with himself.

 

He has commented before on areas where he thinks I outshine him. But then he follows that up by saying it's great to be with someone who really has it together and who motivates him, then pointing out some complementary strengths of his own.

 

Contrast this with a guy I dated a couple of years ago, who told me he thought I was much more attractive than he is, and would probably leave him for a hotter guy someday. There wasn't much I could say to that. He was really shooting himself in the foot with that attitude.

 

So, I say be honest, but don't think of your partner as the person with whom you work out your insecurities. Talk about that stuff with friends or a therapist. Be as awesome and confident as you can in your relationship. That makes for some really good energy.

[vsmini]

I used to find it unattractive, and it is if the person is hyper-sensitive and extremely insecure, but then I grew up and got a clue that everyone has insecurities and I'm not about to judge the person I love for that.

 

I wouldn't say I overlook the insecurities but I talk with him about them and we communicate how we feel about them. No judgement comes to the table even if it sounds a bit ridiculous at first. As soon as you judge someone, especially the person you love, for feeling insecure about something then you cut off the blood flow of trust and comfort in communicating that insecurity in the first place.

 

My perception changes in the fact that now i'm dealing with a true human being with flaws and I think that's when the relationship has a chance to really get good.

[ptp]

It's essential to me that my guy be honest about who he is. I would much rather see some honest insecurity than a lot of fake confidence.

 

I'm learning a great deal from my current lover about confidence. He knows he has some weak points, and he doesn't try to hide them. What's great about him is that he accepts those flaws, works on improving them in a gradual way, and exudes comfort with himself.

 

He has commented before on areas where he thinks I outshine him. But then he follows that up by saying it's great to be with someone who really has it together and who motivates him, then pointing out some complementary strengths of his own.

 

Contrast this with a guy I dated a couple of years ago, who told me he thought I was much more attractive than he is, and would probably leave him for a hotter guy someday. There wasn't much I could say to that. He was really shooting himself in the foot with that attitude.

 

So, I say be honest, but don't think of your partner as the person with whom you work out your insecurities. Talk about that stuff with friends or a therapist. Be as awesome and confident as you can in your relationship. That makes for some really good energy.

 

Whats up Ruby? Haven't talked to you in a while, almost didn't recognize you with your new avy .

 

Yea I am usually the honesty type of guy, but for some reason I am really feeling pressured in this relationship.

 

One day we were talking about what she initially liked about me and she ascribed a lot of "alpha male" qualities to me like being well liked by most in our social group and especially by the other girls in her group; and "putting her in her place" since her last BF was apparently spineless.

 

Now I kind of feel pressured to keep up that persona. I am fairly secure about who I am, but I am insecure about meeting her family and me as a BF. I don't have romantic bone in my body. In another thread I described myself as a romantic Autistic, as in Autistic people are tone deaf to social clues and I am that way when it comes to romance.

 

Just not sure what to do in this situation.

[ptp]

I used to find it unattractive, and it is if the person is hyper-sensitive and extremely insecure, but then I grew up and got a clue that everyone has insecurities and I'm not about to judge the person I love for that.

 

I wouldn't say I overlook the insecurities but I talk with him about them and we communicate how we feel about them. No judgement comes to the table even if it sounds a bit ridiculous at first. As soon as you judge someone, especially the person you love, for feeling insecure about something then you cut off the blood flow of trust and comfort in communicating that insecurity in the first place.

 

My perception changes in the fact that now i'm dealing with a true human being with flaws and I think that's when the relationship has a chance to really get good.

 

Hmm... hopefully she has your outlook.

 

Personally it doesn't bother me at all that she, like most women, is at times insecure about her looks. It just gives me an opportunity to give her self-esteem a boost.

[2sure]

Confidence in a man is very important to me. Top 5. It has to be there for me to be initially attracted, and also for me to stay attracted simply because..Im a confident woman. Sometimes good, sometimes bad ..but , if a man turns out to be insecure Ive been known to eat them alive. So, I know I have to stay away from that because thats not something about myself I like.

 

So, confidence in general is a requirement and remains one. However, everyone has weaknesses and some issues of vulnerability. I dont think a man is being insecure or overly sensitive when he is able to recognize, acknowledge, and be sincere and comfortable regarding his weaknesses.

 

If he cant do that, then he is a Poser. If he can do that, then he is real live grown up Man.

[january2011]

It's essential to me that my guy be honest about who he is. I would much rather see some honest insecurity than a lot of fake confidence.

 

Agree with Ruby, with the proviso that there's give and take. That is, sometimes I'm the cheerleader and at other times I'm the quarterback - it's a team effort .

[AHardDaysNight]

The truth is that relationships involve two people. If one is showing insecurity, the other should try to figure out why that is, if it never happened before.

 

If they have always been insecure...well, that is an unhealthy relationship, and should be avoided.

[Ruby Slippers]

She said she likes the alpha qualities. As we see all over this forum, most women do. I love those qualities in my guy, too.

 

If you naturally behave that way, then it's not a persona. It's part of who you are.

 

Why are you insecure about meeting her family? What are you worried might happen?

 

You mention romance. Do you think this is a problem in your relationship? I know that I would rather be with a guy who's secure in himself and what he wants than a sappy guy who just says what he thinks I want to hear.

 

For me, romance can be anything that stimulates my emotions and makes me feel cared for and secure. This doesn't have to be rose petals and lofty words. It can be as simple as my guy taking out the trash for me when I've had a rough day, giving me a back rub for 5 minutes when he knows I'm stressed, cuddling me especially well on a night when I'm a little sad.

[AD1980]

Whats up Ruby? Haven't talked to you in a while, almost didn't recognize you with your new avy .

 

Yea I am usually the honesty type of guy, but for some reason I am really feeling pressured in this relationship.

 

One day we were talking about what she initially liked about me and she ascribed a lot of "alpha male" qualities to me like being well liked by most in our social group and especially by the other girls in her group; and "putting her in her place" since her last BF was apparently spineless.

.

 

 

Is being the most liked in a social group and by other women in the group really that improtant to women in a man?

 

Sounds so high schoolish worrying about poularity and status i dont know why that would be important to an adult female..

[Thierro]

I'm learning a great deal from my current lover about confidence. He knows he has some weak points, and he doesn't try to hide them. What's great about him is that he accepts those flaws, works on improving them in a gradual way, and exudes comfort with himself.

 

He has commented before on areas where he thinks I outshine him. But then he follows that up by saying it's great to be with someone who really has it together and who motivates him, then pointing out some complementary strengths of his own.

 

His attitude is great and very attractive to women and admirable to guys. This is basically the perfect attitude one can achieve concerning insecurities. He is very well adjusted, Ruby.

 

Don’t say; “Wow, he’s so good at speaking in front of an audience. I suck big time, I can never do that myself”

 

But instead say: “Wow, I’m very impressed by his ability to speak in front of an audience. It’s something I want to do as well. I’m not there yet, but I’ll do whatever it takes to get there.”

 

Know yourself and own your insecurities. Don’t be ashamed of them and don’t hide them. Your mind can make you but also break you.

[ptp]

She said she likes the alpha qualities. As we see all over this forum, most women do. I love those qualities in my guy, too.

 

If you naturally behave that way, then it's not a persona. It's part of who you are.

 

Why are you insecure about meeting her family? What are you worried might happen?

 

You mention romance. Do you think this is a problem in your relationship? I know that I would rather be with a guy who's secure in himself and what he wants than a sappy guy who just says what he thinks I want to hear.

 

For me, romance can be anything that stimulates my emotions and makes me feel cared for and secure. This doesn't have to be rose petals and lofty words. It can be as simple as my guy taking out the trash for me when I've had a rough day, giving me a back rub for 5 minutes when he knows I'm stressed, cuddling me especially well on a night when I'm a little sad.

 

How much time do you have ? Cause I could go on about her family for hours. Suffice to say she has conservative religious parents who don't like her dating someone outside of their ethnicity/religion.

 

In regards to romance, what you are talking about are basic things. I do those no problem, I think she feels loved, cared for and protected. She even has manipulated me into making me think that giving her back massages is a privilege for me..

 

What I struggle with are romantic gestures and planning good dates/events. I do try, I am good about remembering birthday/anniversaries. It is just that I am horrible at picking out gifts and planning dates that she likes/are romantic.

Edited October 11, 2011 by ptp

[carhill]

Just wondering what your experiences have been.

 

When I lost confidence while caregiving, my exW checked out of the M. Nothing much more exciting than that. I still showed my love through actions and words but became increasingly overwhelmed trying to maintain a marriage while dealing with a crazy person. Something had to give. That's it.

[mr.dream merchant]

This is an issue for me. In the beginning, I'm always this calm, cool, collected guy. Everything is a-ok. But once the girl and I start dating for a while, and feelings begin to show, I slowly become this jealous, mildly possessive, etc guy. I don't hide it though, I just vocalize to them my issues, preferences, etc. If she's an understanding woman, she'll work with me on things, assure me on things. I always felt a man is more of a man when he shows a woman he cares for alot...his weaknesses. And I always felt that a real woman would at least appreciate her man showing her his weakness, as that is to me, the ultimate sign of trust from a man. Especially one that has a fortress guarding his heart like me.

[Woggle]

I agree that showing weakness is the ultimate sign of trust for a man. It is not easy for a man to do that and especially not with a woman. It's like a cat exposing it's belly.

 

If a woman is going to dump you because you are not an unfeeling man of steel then you are better off with without her.

[Jynxx]

It's a trap. Never show insecurities, no matter what she says, she'll find it unattractive. She may not realise it and even tell you the opposite because she believes in it, but don't. You get girls by being or acting attractive, what makes you think you keep girls by acting unattractive? If she does catch up on something, don't deny it but admit it, tell her it's not a big deal/minor insecurity/whatever depending on the situation. Trust me on this, it might save your relationship.

[Ruby Slippers]

How much time do you have ? Cause I could go on about her family for hours. Suffice to say she has conservative religious parents who don't like her dating someone outside of their ethnicity/religion.

That is tough. But it's an important step -- seeing how her family and you mix. It's also unpredictable. Some people let their families control them, and some insist upon their independence. The best possible thing you can do is continue to be the great guy in her life she doesn't have to fight.

 

What I struggle with are romantic gestures and planning good dates/events. I do try, I am good about remembering birthday/anniversaries. It is just that I am horrible at picking out gifts and planning dates that she likes/are romantic.

Alpha guys are not great at this stuff, and most women figure this out pretty quickly. If you want a strong, masculine guy, you have to accept that you'll have to do without some of the softer qualities. I don't think you have anything to worry about here. You aren't perfect and you never will be. Just relax and be your awesome self.

[ptp]

When I lost confidence while caregiving, my exW checked out of the M. Nothing much more exciting than that. I still showed my love through actions and words but became increasingly overwhelmed trying to maintain a marriage while dealing with a crazy person. Something had to give. That's it.

 

Just wanted to say thanks to you. You have given me good advice on more than one occasion and please feel free to add your 2 cents in any of my threads, your advice is always welcome.

[ptp]

Is being the most liked in a social group and by other women in the group really that improtant to women in a man?

 

Sounds so high schoolish worrying about poularity and status i dont know why that would be important to an adult female..

 

I don't think it was "most liked", it more that nobody had a bad word to say about me thus, she knew I wasn't a crazy person and felt more comfortable with me.

[ptp]

This is an issue for me. In the beginning, I'm always this calm, cool, collected guy. Everything is a-ok. But once the girl and I start dating for a while, and feelings begin to show, I slowly become this jealous, mildly possessive, etc guy. I don't hide it though, I just vocalize to them my issues, preferences, etc. If she's an understanding woman, she'll work with me on things, assure me on things. I always felt a man is more of a man when he shows a woman he cares for alot...his weaknesses. And I always felt that a real woman would at least appreciate her man showing her his weakness, as that is to me, the ultimate sign of trust from a man. Especially one that has a fortress guarding his heart like me.

 

Thanks, glad to hear I am not the only one who has this problem.

[ptp]

I agree that showing weakness is the ultimate sign of trust for a man. It is not easy for a man to do that and especially not with a woman. It's like a cat exposing it's belly.

 

If a woman is going to dump you because you are not an unfeeling man of steel then you are better off with without her.

 

appreciate the advice.

[ptp]

It's a trap. Never show insecurities, no matter what she says, she'll find it unattractive. She may not realise it and even tell you the opposite because she believes in it, but don't. You get girls by being or acting attractive, what makes you think you keep girls by acting unattractive? If she does catch up on something, don't deny it but admit it, tell her it's not a big deal/minor insecurity/whatever depending on the situation. Trust me on this, it might save your relationship.

 

Yea that is why I created this thread.

 

You are the only dissenting voice of the bunch and to be honest, when I started this thread I felt exactly the same way you do.

 

If I follow your advice, I just wonder how long can I keep up the charade, eventually I have to be myself right?

[xoxoDaniellexoxo]

It's essential to me that my guy be honest about who he is. I would much rather see some honest insecurity than a lot of fake confidence.

 

I'm learning a great deal from my current lover about confidence. He knows he has some weak points, and he doesn't try to hide them. What's great about him is that he accepts those flaws, works on improving them in a gradual way, and exudes comfort with himself.

 

He has commented before on areas where he thinks I outshine him. But then he follows that up by saying it's great to be with someone who really has it together and who motivates him, then pointing out some complementary strengths of his own.

 

Contrast this with a guy I dated a couple of years ago, who told me he thought I was much more attractive than he is, and would probably leave him for a hotter guy someday. There wasn't much I could say to that. He was really shooting himself in the foot with that attitude.

 

So, I say be honest, but don't think of your partner as the person with whom you work out your insecurities. Talk about that stuff with friends or a therapist. Be as awesome and confident as you can in your relationship. That makes for some really good energy.

I agree with Ruby, obviously there are some insecurities like when she talked about her ex saying she might leave him for a hotter man, that shouldn't be shown, but on the flip side if you are insecure about a presentation at work or a co-worker being a douche or even if you may think you don't look your best, I would rather know than have someone faking it.

 

I know I have my moments where my insecurities come out, and the deep set ones I don't share with many people, my best friends for the last 9 years or my mom, but I admit I have my off days. I never want to feel like I have to "pretend" to be confident all the time because I sometimes second guess myself, I don't expect my partner to pretend either. Sometimes even just hearing someone else tell you how great of a job you did,or that you did the right thing can help, and if my guy is having one of those days I want him to let me know.

 

Sorry that was super long

[ptp]

I agree with Ruby, obviously there are some insecurities like when she talked about her ex saying she might leave him for a hotter man, that shouldn't be shown, but on the flip side if you are insecure about a presentation at work or a co-worker being a douche or even if you may think you don't look your best, I would rather know than have someone faking it.

 

I know I have my moments where my insecurities come out, and the deep set ones I don't share with many people, my best friends for the last 9 years or my mom, but I admit I have my off days. I never want to feel like I have to "pretend" to be confident all the time because I sometimes second guess myself, I don't expect my partner to pretend either. Sometimes even just hearing someone else tell you how great of a job you did,or that you did the right thing can help, and if my guy is having one of those days I want him to let me know.

 

Sorry that was super long

 

Sup Danielle, how are you;)? Thanks for your input, your guy is one lucky dude.

 

I am not an emotionally needy person and when I am having an off day I tend to keep it to myself, it doesn't feel natural seeking help.

 

So part of the problem is mine, but when I read LS and read about how import ant confidence is to women, it does make me more reticent to open up about my insecurities.

[xoxoDaniellexoxo]

Sup Danielle, how are you;)? Thanks for your input, your guy is one lucky dude.

 

I am not an emotionally needy person and when I am having an off day I tend to keep it to myself, it doesn't feel natural seeking help.

 

So part of the problem is mine, but when I read LS and read about how import ant confidence is to women, it does make me more reticent to open up about my insecurities.

 

 

I am doing well thanks! My brother and dad are the same way and keep it to themselves, but me and my mom have both told them sometimes them keeping it in makes us feel worse. I would rather know what is wrong, even if I can't help then never know what is wrong and wonder what i did or what someone else did.