being respectful in inter-racial relationships

[Mannish_child]

I really enjoy black women. I love the way they move, the way they communicate, the way they carry themselves, the shapes of their bodies, how they dress, their strength of sprit… it is a very special thing. I need to learn how not to let those feelings make my partner feel devalued because of it. I was in a relationship previously that was hurt by this, and I don’t want it to happen next time.

 

I have always had issues of ‘white guilt’ – I have seen and experienced some of the overwhelmingly negative impact that white people have made on other cultures. In contrast, I have grown up consistently impressed by the ability of other ethnicities (particularly black) the world over to be positive and strong in the face of oppression. I admire that.

 

I’m not embarrassed by my feelings about this - I don’t try to fool myself about who I am or where I came from. Because of matters of circumstance or whatever, most of my relationships have been with women of other races.

 

But this is the issue: how do I stop my preference for black women from making the person I am with feel devalued by that? I appreciate every persons unique traits and every relationship I have is special in its own way. How do I make her understand that even though she thinks she sees otherwise? Or is my perspective on race unhealthy altogether? I know people who have racial fetishes, but I don’t feel like I am one of them. Am I just in denial?

[UCFKevin]

Umm....what exactly are you doing in front of your partner? Whenever a black girl walks by, do you go, "DAMN! Look at THAT! Whooooo!"?

 

Why is it even an issue?

[Mannish_child]

She would notice... I think it's normal for your partner to notice your preferences. When I see another attractive female I don't make a big deal out of it, stare at them or turn my head back or anything, but she could see what I preferred, whether it be from music, tv, whatever....

[UCFKevin]

If she's bothered by it, frankly, it's her problem, not yours. You can't help who or what you like.

[moimeme]

So you are saying that when you see a black woman, your mind immediately goes to the strength of character she must have and that's why you notice her?

 

Can you honestly say that you consider your lady the best of all possible women - or at least you would choose her over any black woman you can think of? Because if not, she has already figured that out and that's what may be bothering her.

[Mannish_child]

Point taken… I mean, I honestly would have chosen her over any woman anywhere… I really adored her for who she was… but perhaps it didn’t appear that way to her.

 

So maybe the question should be how do I stop my partner from being hurt by my attraction to other women in general? Can we say for example if I liked women with blond hair, and my partner was blond and was insecure about this – would it be the same? In which case it isn’t a matter of anything to do with race but rather just the fact that I need to deal with security in the relationship? So how do you help the other person feel that your physical impulses (which everyone has) will not be a threat to your being together?

[MsLandon]

I wonder if this has been an issue in your lady's previous relationships. Perhaps the insecurity is her issue and not subsequent of your preferences. We all come to relationships with baggage...I wonder if this is a part of hers.

 

 

Have you discussed this issue with her? You may be surprised what you find out. Open and honest communication is the only answer I believe. From there you will learn what she needs and how to help the situation. Good luck.

[Love2share]

[color=darkred]I was in this exact situation when I dated outside of my race. My white boyfriend was the most gentle, conciderate, and kind man anyone could know. I'd never dated a white man before him. But I wasn't racist. Just didn't think we'd have much in common.

 

This man did a great job at getting me to warm up to him. We fell in love and dated for a long time. Our first major problem was the fact that he, like you, seemed to have the complex over preferring ethnic women. We argued about it a lot because I thought he was racist, and only dating women whom he could feel inferior to and so forth.

 

He made me feel insecure by the things he said about other women. So be careful what you say.

 

He would also comment on almost every ethnic woman we encountered. It was unneccesary. Made me feel very uncomfortable as though he wanted to make it very clear to me, or anyone around him, that he was only attracted to ethnic women. Don't ever do that.

 

This is a very difficult topic. She will definately need to work on her self esteem. But as her lover, you have a major part in helping that or making it worse. Find out exactly what's bothering her about your admirations. You can't admire other women right in front of her face and not expect her to be jealous. Even the most secure woman would be jealous in this type of situation. And if this type of thing continues, you will make her more insecure. The answer is.. talk to her. [/color]