New here: What do you guys make of this?

[Aj23]

Hey, I'm new to the LoveShack community but have looked through a few posts to find people very willing to help people out who are genuinely in a bit of a state and thought I'd see what veterans of LDR think about my issue. Thanks in advance for any advice anyone can offer

 

So I'm 21 and live in England. This summer I went to the 22nd World Scout Jamboree in Sweden and had an amazing time. I worked with a younger Swedish girl (19) during my time there and although I found her very attractive, we spoke very little as we were doing different jobs, but when we did we'd chat for an hour or so and always say Hey when we bumped into each other.

 

Anyway, I managed to find her on facebook a week after I got back and contacted her and within an hour or so we realised we both really liked each other and that it sucked we didn't hang out more. An hour or so after that she'd already booked a flight over to see me! I was amazed, and loved this spontaneity. She came over a week later and we spent an amazing 4 or 5 days together and I showed her my University and where I live and some of my family.

 

We spoke for hours and hours when she got back and things were going great. (It's been 2 months since she came by the way). She always seemed very excited to chat and we always left messages to each other before we went to bed and woke up if we couldn't carry on chatting. Now I may be a bit soppy for a guy but I loved that, as I knew that she felt the same about me as I did her; thinking about her when I woke up all the way to going to bed.

 

Anyway, we spoke a lot about the time before we met and how we'd both had bad relationships (I was in one for 4 years before it went LD and she cheated on me; trust me, it messes up guys as much as it does girls.) and she was in a relationship (engaged apparently, though that may be lost in translation) which went bad and is having a really tough time getting the money for an apartment back off her ex. She never told me why they broke up but she said she wanted to tell me in person when we next meet. We were both a bit down how we'd have to wait for December (she's at college and I'm at University) to see each other so she decided that when she visits a friend (girl) in Holland, she will get the train to London to see me. She's amazing and I'm making sure come December I have a lovely few days with her and her family to make up for her coming here twice.

 

Anyway something came up that raised the issue of commitment. I was under the impression we were a bit further along the line than I thought, as we always spoke, always used terms of endearment and genuinely felt so much happier talking than we had been for a while. She said that because of her last relationships she was scared because she felt she had messed up and that she didn't want to be 'caged' and let relationships stop her doing what she wanted (since she's been single she's got a tattoo, gone skydiving and spontaneously visited me in England; I think anyone would enjoy doing things they'd always wanted to do). Anyway I got a bit down about it and said I'd not cage her or stop her doing anything and that we could take it slow even though she didn't want a relationship where she felt she could mess it up. She seemed to even imply that she wanted the freedom to do what she liked, I didn't even want to ask if that meant dating other people, but we seemed as close as ever and she apologised for 'scaring me' so to speak and we carried on as normal.

 

Since then she's been to Germany with school and we had our first day since August 10th that we didn't speak and to me it sucked. I missed her so much but rolled with the punches, told her I missed her on her facebook (our only form of communication while she was getting settled in) and her sister and two of her friends who've added me liked it and told me that she might be getting a 3 week placement in England as part of her course! (YES! WOOO!)

 

Anyway she was in Germany for 8 days and during that time we scarcely spoke. The good morning messages stopped and when she did speak she said how much fun she was having with new friends and how she had to go soon. No problem, she's allowed to have fun and I trust her. I wouldn't have said I was jealous, but I still wish we could have spoke more and that the time she DID have online was 'our time' to just chat. But it seemed like she didn't really make time for me and when she did she messaged me saying 'I'm on skype until 10pm. If you're not on by then I'm offline.' (those words, with the punctuation) which took me back a little, I thought I'd done something wrong. We tried to skype but the internet sucked and it failed miserably. Anyway she still said thanks and it was nice to hear my voice and how she missed me. But the next day same things happen I message her and she's too busy to message back. I told her I miss her and she'd ignore it and I felt so crummy. Now I know you probably think it's just that she's away and having fun and stuff but when she was back home, just before she went away, she had a really crappy day and I spent 6 hours on skype to her despite having my friends round, and really made an effort to be there for her when she needed me.

 

She's extremely head strong and now that she's back I told her I missed her and found it tough and she didn't ignore it but said I was silly to miss her. Now the terms of endearment have stopped and we're a little less close as we were. I asked if we could skype tonight and she said sure. I don't want to make her feel like she can't do what she wants as 1) I can't 2) I wouldn't want to make her feel like she did with her ex and 3) I'd do anything to make sure she's happy.

 

She posted on her blog 'back in Sweden, not long until Holland now' and missed out the obvious 'and England', which she would probably have done before Germany. Now what do you guys think, am I being stupid and over-reacting to a simple blip or is she losing interest or is she getting comfortable and doesn't feel the need to keep up with the lovey-dovey first stages. She's here in 23 days, and we're hopefully skyping tonight. Any idea what I should do or say, I feel as if anything I bring up will make her feel I'm trying to cage her, I just want to make sure that come November 2nd, she still wants to see me and we can build on things from here.

 

Hopefully this'll be the toughest thing I have to deal with and I know some (if not most) of you will probably think I'm being dumb but I've come from a few very awkward and messy breakups and now I've found someone I genuinely think the world of again, I'd like to keep my chances of keeping it going high.

 

Thanks for listening to that NOVEL, apologies it was so long!

[LonelyInsomniac]

I'm no expert, but maybe the outside opinion will help.

 

To be straightforward, I'm seeing some red flags.

 

• She's not willing to discuss her part in past relationships with you until an undetermined, and possibly never arriving date.
  
• You're afraid to set ground rules, or establish/clear up what they are, lest she fly away - this means there's two people with lots of room to assume two completely different sets of standards that may hurt one another without even realizing it. This also seems to point to not being confident in her likeliness to stick around. It seems like the easier answer... but all it means is someone gets devastated later down the line rather than sooner - her potentially by her inability to satisfy, and you by a rude awakening to not being on the same page.
  
• She's stopped putting in the time to make you feel special. This could be a matter of taking you for granted as she makes new friends. It could also be a silent but deliberate way of saying she's not interested in a relationship with you. Either way... you've become less of a priority.
  
• The choppy message says to me that she might be wanting more space, but is willing to make time for you if you'll respect it. On one hand, you might have become a lower priority - on the other hand, she might have been putting too much into the relationship and is pulling back/setting some terms for her own sanity/health. I'm trying to do similar with my girlfriend because I feel (for all the time I make for her) ignored and taken for granted - listen carefully to what she's saying, and try not to make excuses for you OR herself. This will only hinder you from identifying and fixing a problem before it's too late, be it the relationship or your own expectations.
  

 

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Good luck, and hope things work out well for you, AJ.

Edited October 11, 2011 by LonelyInsomniac

[Aj23]

Thanks for the reply buddy, since then I guessed nobody would read the novel and would just tell me I was being dumb, so thanks for the reply. I agree with everything you said, there were red flags and I needed to address them. So I did.

 

I managed to speak to her the same evening I posted the original post. But from your reply I realised there were (amazingly) some bits I left out. She didn't tell me parts of her previous relationships because she wanted to tell me in person when she was here as it wasn't anything she wanted misinterpreted or taken the wrong way over skype or facebook.

 

Anyway I brought up the issue to her that night when we got a chance to speak and without going into another enormous post, it wasn't that great. Though she did tell me what she wanted to say in person to me and apologised that it wasn't how she wanted me to find out.

 

It's nothing too bad that effected me, just some things in previous relationships that made her the way she is - scared to commit and get serious again. But effectively the reason she was so distant is because the issue had happened then was happening to her now. She needed to get her head round stuff and, as she's pretty head strong, felt instead of pretending things were ok with her, she'd not put on a show and make me think everything was ok - Again it sucked and still does, but I'd rather I knew something was up than not. She blames herself, calls herself 'a bloody monster' and apologises to me for letting herself get into this situation again.

 

Anyway it ended in several apologies and me getting pretty worked but because I'm reasonable, I offered her a chance for us both to have time to get our head round things and sort this out on our own. Although I wont contact her (and stupidly started just checking her fb etc - a horrible curse that comes from 2 failed long term relationships where I got monumentally f'd over), she seems genuinely sorry to me. Her status (not that this is a great beacon of feelings) was about 'It's hard not to do the small things.' which I think is in relation to me telling her ,when I was upset, that it's the little things I love about her and how that's how I knew something was up. I guess she thinks I'm madder than I am, as I haven't really got anything to be mad about, I'm just concerned for her, like any caring person would, even if she feels she's done something wrong.

 

Yesterday I started Ice Hockey training, and it was great to not be in all day checking my phone or FB for her. The new FB is appalling for not letting people get on with their lives without constant reminders of what people are doing. I miss her a lot and would love to talk to her, but I know I can't, not right now. I need her to contact me I guess. And she's supposed to be here in 3 weeks. She did tell me that the things she did say to me were all true and that she did love the time we spent together and everytime she said she wanted me there or to be with me she wasn't lying. I can't tell if this was to make me a little more 'forgiving' I'm not sure, but she did say that I'm so nice to her and caring and sweet that she thought I was too good to be true. I think from her ex, and this recurring incident that she's not used to being treated nice and feels like that now something crappy has turned up she needs to not pretend she's ok and just deal with it and assumes I'm going to be horrible, hence the lack of excitement to talk to me for now.

 

Strangely I feel more in control of the situation now and as much as I don't want to be, I think she feels like she's let me down (she hasn't she just has an issue she could have handled a lot better) and that I'm the judge of if she is forgiven or not.

 

How long do you think I should leave it for? I want her to come here knowing that we can start again from scratch, a new beginning, with no pressures on what's going on elsewhere and take it slow. It's hard waiting for her to come to me, as I think she thinks I'm going to yell at her or something.

 

I've not said it to her because of how she is with commitment at the moment, but I love her to bits, and don't like seeing her upset. And it sucks that just as I want to forget about her for a bit and let her do her own thing and do some thinking myself, the most ridiculously gorgeous photo of her comes on facebook.

 

C'est la vie!

 

And considering you read my entire post LonelyInsomniac and offered an outside opinion, I'm more than happy to help you out with your issues if you need a spare ear or want to vent - least I can do!