jordjones Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 My ex gf dumped me in July after a year (4 months in person, then 8 months long distance). At the time, I felt I was the victim and chased her unsuccessfully for about a week. Then I went NC for over two months. During the NC period, I began to realize how my actions contributed to the breakup. I reached a point where I understood how my commitment phobia and lack of emotional support contributed greatly to her change in feelings. I broke NC last week to express my findings in an email to her; it wasn't an apology, just an I "get it now" email. I told her that I would "love again" someday, but also indicated that I would like a "fresh start." We talked by phone and text throughout the weekend - 3 separate conversations all initiated by her. She seemed relieved to see that I now understand how I took her for granted. She apologized for things she did wrong and went out of her way to indicate she is/has not been with anyone else. She also said that she didn't want anymore than friendship from me at the present. We agreed to have lunch soon. I still love her; though I didn't tell her that directly, I imagine she knows. How best to avoid the friend zone from here? Or do I need to be friends with her for a few meetings, just to see how it goes?
betterdeal Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 There are no walls, no bars, no prison guards around a friendship. If you develop or have those feelings for a friend, either you make a pass at them and see what happens, or you choose to back off, or you choose to stay close to them even though it hurts. That last option is the friend zone and it is entirely your choice. Most people (men as well as women) who back off and say they want to be friends only for now, mean they don't want the heavy shiit that preceded. They want the kind, fun, enjoyable relationship. If that isn't what you want too, say so. You don't need to get angry about it, just be honest with yourself first and them second.
Author jordjones Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 There are no walls, no bars, no prison guards around a friendship. If you develop or have those feelings for a friend, either you make a pass at them and see what happens, or you choose to back off, or you choose to stay close to them even though it hurts. That last option is the friend zone and it is entirely your choice. Most people (men as well as women) who back off and say they want to be friends only for now, mean they don't want the heavy shiit that preceded. They want the kind, fun, enjoyable relationship. If that isn't what you want too, say so. You don't need to get angry about it, just be honest with yourself first and them second. I'm cool with taking it slow. I think we had sex too soon in our previous relationship and that that contributed to my taking her for granted. She also has indicated that she has changed sexually; I believe that she has reached that point in her life (she's 24), where it isn't fun and games anymore. I've gone through significant personal improvements, have been hitting the gym, and have dated some other women. I also read "Attraction Isn't a Choice" and in a weird way, view gaining my ex's attraction back as a challenge worth pursuing. I just don't want to get stuck. But I guess the fact she isn't dating anyone else is a good sign. Oh well, this woman is going to be my wife , so I gotta risk it.
immitable Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Remember if you want this to work, she needs to see the change in you (talk is cheap) and you need to follow your gut feeling. Two persons are always responsible for relationship dying not just you. Try winning her again but also be a good listener who knows, I think it is worth a shot.
betterdeal Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Yep. do what you want to do. That's the only way to get through life! This can be a growth period for you two. A learning experience.
Author jordjones Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 So the ex texted me today, "I got charged for the key I gave you to my old apartment...gay." I responded, "Next time when you like a guy, you shouldn't give him a key after the third date..." In reality, it wasn't that soon, but I continued the playful banter: "Almost as gay as you blocking me on facebook for the 10th time..." She had blocked me again, and it was like the 7th. She texts later that she unblocked, but unsure why. She then asked me to be nice to her. I've been busting her balls a lot, acting like I really don't give a ****, trying desperately to avoid the friend zone. We'll meet soon, and I'm sure that will be most telling.
EgoJoe Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Keep up what you're doing and if she expresses that she only wants friendship, period. You avoid it simply by saying, "I'm not interested in being friends with you." Then going NC.
John123 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Let me know how this goes!!! I'm going through limited contact only replying when she IM's me or texts me and keeping it short. I want to win her back eventually because I still want to marry this girl. For now I am going to giver her her space and do my own thing, then when the time is right, go after her. She always asked me if I would pursue her if she left and when I said no she always got mad, so I think I do need to pursue her eventually.
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