itshardbeingafox Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I am dating someone I have been friends with for about 5 years. We have been dating for 2 months now. He has a 3 year old son who he is raising alone, he has full custody. We are both 27. Recently I have been pretty lonely. We both work a lot and this hasn't been a problem before. We have gone 2 weeks without seeing each other more than an hour the 2 days we have seen each other. When we started dating we took little breaks in our work day to see each other, lunch together for about 30 minutes. an hour together when his son was visiting his mother. etc. It was nothing like long extravagant dates but what we had was enough. Recently though it's no lunch time, no quick visits, hardly a phone call all day until 7pm for 6 minutes. The last few times I have seen him, I brought he and his son cupcakes, and brought him some coffee at work the other day. I don't know how to ask him to put forth more effort without sounding needy. I asked him if he was still interested in me, and he was adament that YES he wanted me still, yes he was happy with me. So what can I do? Today he didn't message me all day until 7pm. I was in a car wreck last night and he didn't even know until tonight when I told him. I called tonight when I got home, and we spoke for 6 minutes when he said he was putting his son to bed and going straight to bed himself and he thought he was getting a cold. I need help. The only thing I can think to do is buy him some dayquil and take it to him at work with a tag attached that says I miss you.
laotzu Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Ugh, hard to say. Perhaps he's having second thoughts, and is trying to slowly pull away? It really depends on his personality: either he's completely ignorant, or he's being less communicative for another reason. Perhaps you should just say to him, "we're not talking enough for me"?
january2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Perhaps you should just say to him, "we're not talking enough for me"? Seconded. And also arrange 2-3 days a week where you have lunch together. Since you both work a lot and he also has his son to take care of, you need to build 'together time' into your schedules. If he comes up with excuses about being too tired and 'let me think about it' then I think you might need to start thinking seriously whether he has enough time to maintain this relationship.
Lobouspo Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 He could very well like you, and just not be available for a "real" relationship. Single working parents with sole custody of children, especially very young ones, have significant constraints on their time. If you care for him as much is it sounds, you will have to be the patient and flexible one. Now having said that, you have needs that deserved to be met as well. Make no mistake though, his child will always be the first priority in his life, and you will have to take a back seat. It may not be bad idea to sit down with him and tell him you understand his current situation, but you need quality time as well. Hope that helps.
Author itshardbeingafox Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 I do definitely understand his son comes first and I have offered to cook dinner for them, at this point I'm willing to even sit with him and his son for 15 minutes at night before they go to bed and watch spongebob. I guess I wish he would just even offer hey why not come and sit with me and my son. I'm going to try and talk to him tomorrow about it. He doesn't want any drama which I can understand. I'm not asking for an expensive date night alone. I just want to see them. I actually miss he and his son, and I don't know how to ask for more time without sounding needy. I was with my friends the other day and their children at a town fair and I physically missed them.
Lobouspo Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 You are doing the right thing by talking to him about this. In my previous post i mentioned that you have to be the flexible one given the circumstances. Sounds to me you are being more than flexible by willing to spend time with both he and his kid and not "pulling" him away from his child. I recently dated a woman i absolutely adored, but she also was a single mom who worked alot. I wasnt even expecting to meet halfway! I was open to meet 75% to her 25%. Ultimately i bailed because i made her a priority while i was just an option. I deserved better and so do you. If he is not more receptive to your needs it may be time to consider moving on. That being said, i hope you guys have a good heart to heart and get on the same page in terms of expectations. Good luck and let us know how things turn out
Author itshardbeingafox Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 Thank you I made him a little card saying I missed him. Short and sweet. Says "I really miss you" "15 minute lunch?, Running Partner?, Dayquil & a back scratch?" I'm going to drop it by him tomorrow with some homemade soup I made today. Hopefully he will see me soon. He doesn't ask anyone for help with anything and with his 60 hour a week job, his 3 year old, and training for a triathalon in 3 weeks, I really don't blame him for being overwhelmed but I want to help. My friends with kids have offered couple date nights they have offered to keep his son for us for 2 hours for us time, hell at this point I'll offer to mow his lawn in my yoga pants while grabbing him a fresh beer every time he runs out. lol.
Author itshardbeingafox Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Thank you. I'm hoping he feels better this week & can see me soon. I'm going to have a more straightforward talk with him about making sure we get some time together once he and his son don't have chest colds. I assume talking to a sick man taking care of a sick toddler about relationship issues is a bad idea haha.
Author itshardbeingafox Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 He dumped me. Via text message. Bonus points, I found out why I was late with my period today. I messaged him saying I needed to talk to him really quick even though I knew he was very ill. He responded back with dumping me. I couldn't even respond to him to tell him.
january2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I'm so sorry. Please get confirmation and decide what you want to do. He may not want to speak to you, in which case, see if you can get a close friend to support you while you go through this.
PlumPrincess Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 He dumped me. Via text message. Bonus points, I found out why I was late with my period today. I messaged him saying I needed to talk to him really quick even though I knew he was very ill. He responded back with dumping me. I couldn't even respond to him to tell him. Oh my God?! You sounded like such a sweet person! What a jerk!!
Author itshardbeingafox Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I am sweet. He had it made with me so I have no idea what in the world his problem is. Now we surely have an issue. and I'm just mad. I'm mad at him for every single thing. Well I'm just frustrated. I can't get him to answer the phone, to text me back anything. I guess he will figure it out eventually when he see's me and does the math in his head.
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