parents put pressure on me...

[Indira1987]

my parents were always very demanding when it was about school or playing the piano.

my father regularly got angry with me and said mean things that 'I'm not good enough that I don't practice enough' and so on until I cried. This was probably from age 7-14. It took me a long time to understand that HE did wrong and not me, because he was also very important to me and cared a lot about me and my sister. I know that he always wanted the best for us.

I'm just so angry now....how could he possibly have thought it is good to put so much pressure on a kid?

 

Also he likes people who are very self-confident and strong and tough and so on and that's totally the opposite of how I am. He always (until today as I'm 24) talks bad about people with my personality (shy, distant, fearfully) not about me anymore but it still hurt me although I shouldn't care anymore.

 

It makes me especially angry when he starts lying about the piano thing in front of other people...i just hate it! He would say then that he gave me the choice to stop playing...WHICH is just NOT true! It's simply a lie and maybe how he now would've liked it to have happened. He gave my sister the choice, but not me, I remember it very very exactly!

 

I talked about it with him a few month ago. finally telling him that it was wrong what he did; he felt attacked and reminded me of how much he cared about us always also he came up with the lie again,...

 

I'm cant get rid of my anger about it. I blame him a lot for a lot of problems I have now with my personality. Although I know he did want my best.

 

It only so difficult because he also is so important to me and I always tried to get his acceptance, which i never got until now. And though I'm telling myself I don't care...I do care.

 

Is there someone whose parents are/were similar or did the similar mistakes?

[Tayla]

Funny how a parents perspective changes thru time yet not towards a level of acceptance of their poor choices and actions.

 

You stated that he "lies". Well that is a true observation . So how do you handle folks that lie? I personally distance myself when its a close family member. NO sense in remaining around a toxic being.

 

My friend growing up was an only child....gosh how my heart broke many a times when I went to visit her. She had a domineering MOM who lived her life thru her daughter, from the way she dressed, spoke and what "talents" she was "allowed" to preformed. The girl practiced six hours each night after school for baton, SHe won national awards, was an honor student, had the perfect hair and perfect speech...sadly she also had this "wall" of falseness as well....Her Mother is still the same militant women ...and sadly this childhood friend lost her way in life....She cant tell you a true opinion without reverting to a "text book" response which her mother raised her on....

 

My point being...be glad you have become different from what your father projected....You deserve to live your own life. "peace".

[turnera]

You will always care. No point denying it; half of who you are is who your parents are.

 

Parents do 'what worked for them' unless they take steps (like coming to a forum or going to a therapist) to change the cycle. That's not a bad thing; just human nature. So don't blame them for doing what they thought was right. There's no denying that they love you and want what's best. They just used tools that worked for them.

 

And now you're 24. In human nature terms, that means that it's time for you to spread your wings, to say 'I know you love me and I appreciate all you've taught me. Now it's time for me to go on my own and do what's right for me.'

 

I guess from your name that you're Indian in descent? If so, I know it's harder, given your culture. But it's a young adult's job to 'teach' their parents when they are ready to move on. You can do it.

[Indira1987]

Thanks for the answers!

 

@tayla: yes you are right; I'm lucky that I can see my life from an objective perspective, not totally of course but I think a lot of people can't, I think one needs a lot of distance first from the people who raised you before you can understand what happened exactly (at least it was like that for me)

 

@turnera: sooo right what you said with the cycle! It's exactly like that, and I'm glad that I see what was wrong so I won't make the same mistakes with my children one day.

No I'm not indian. I don't wanna support stereotypes but my dad was raised in russia (and so my ex-piano teacher) so here the stereotype is true...

[curvylady12]

I know how you feel. Both my parents were constantly disappointed in me. They wanted a prom queen, whereas I was always a shy, quiet, and nerdy. Their expectations of me were always way too high for my developmental level as a child, and it hurt especially because they were not as hard on my brothers (boys will be boys... Eyeroll). I've tried to talk to them about it recently, but they either lie or use messed up justifications for what amounts to emotional abuse. I guess this won't help you because your dad is so important to you, but what I did when I was a teen was I decided that I didn't care about what they said even though it was very difficult. I moved out of state with my boyfriend as soon I graduated high school and it was the best decision I ever made. I gained a lot of self-esteem away from their toxic influence and now I don't visit them very often, so when I do they are quite nice to me. They seem to have abandoned our dysfunctional parent-child relationship in favor of a drinking buddy type of relationship. It's not exactly what I want, but it's a big improvement. I understand that they are not going to offer an apology and I have stopped seeking one. All you can do is appreciate what you have now and try to let go of the past.