Unexpected trouble after 4.5 years of a solid relationship

[Dirts]

Background:

We met in highschool and started dating at 17. I now turn 22 this month. We have everything in common from hobbies to sexual interests, both very keen to explore. Over the years we have had periods where we were in different countries, spending upwards of 4 months apart. The connection between us stayed strong.

 

I myself a couple times had some GIGS going on, but I was able to look at the positives and cons, and eventually the interest came back, just as strong. However, recently the tables have turned.

 

Last November I received an injury to my hip (I am a serious soccer player). Now this injury was both genetic and overuse, but it was something that would not heal on its own. The choices were physical therapy to create room in the joint so as to stop the aggravation in my joint. I went through two, three month bouts of PT but nothing worked. SO, I opted for surgery this July.

 

For any athlete reading this you understand that your body is your tool, your best friend, and without its' use you become agitated, sad, anxious. Especially with this injury because there was no time frame for when I would be back in the game. Now coming into October I have healed from the surgery and am progressing back into training.

 

You can probably see where this is heading. Now for the girlfriend issue. While I was trying to cope with my injury and being physically unable to be active in any way, for fear of worsening the injury, my gf became involved in the rave scene. She also started hanging out with two previous friends from high school. These two girls are the type, who party hard, manipulate guys, essentially aren't going anywhere in life. They live in a superficial world.

 

As the raving became more consistent, she began to be gone for the whole night and come back the next day. Now I am not the jealous type, or controlling or smothering. But when your self-esteem is already at an all time low because you're stuck injured, and you see your gf out enjoying herself every weekend, jealousy creeps in. I began to feel left out of this other life she was living.

 

The uncertainty increased when she decided it was time for her to become a gogo dancer at night clubs. Basically eyecandy for the people at clubs while the DJ does his thing. What everyone reading this needs to understand is that this was a girl who always spoke poorly about people who partied like this, who showed off their bodies, who drew attention and all of a sudden she has thrown herself into exactly what she "used" to not approve of.

 

The Issue:

One month ago, she voiced concerns to me. I already had the feeling that something was up, with all the nights away, vague txts etc. She said she felt like she needed time to grow as an individual but that she was confused by her feelings. (She was clearly genuinely confused, her behavior and body language showed it). But that she was wanting to continue things because she still loved me.

 

Sex hadn't been great or consistent for a couple months or so at this point, you could tell it was mainly physical.

 

So this past month, I sort of felt like I was on trial, in first date mode again. I am guessing that panic mode set in and I became a bit clingy here and there.

 

It was frustrating, knowing that one part of my life was coming back on track and the other part was disintegrating.

 

So, four days ago. She txts me and says, "nothing is right, and I want to share my feelings."

 

We talk. She says she still loves me but is not sure if she is still in love with me, that she feels like the intimacy is gone. Obviously I am heartbroken at this point. She asks for NC for whatever period of time and we agree that this isn't a break but a period of time for her to figure out where her heads at. She leaves the room for the bathroom, comes back in and looks at me, gives me a big kiss and a big hug, repeating she loves me. I go out to the living room and sit on the couch. Right before she leaves, she comes over hugs my head and kisses it. Then later on that night when I go back into our room, she has left her favoured stuffed animal tucked into the bed on my pillow. Mind games much?

 

Four days on, I have sent one txt, saying "I have come to realise that jealousy and smothering may have played a part in this, but these are characteristics which I never show. This space thing is clearing my head. Enjoy yourself." Wasn't expecting a response and didn't get one. Next I had to leave her a voicemail to make sure she understood that I needed to tell our housemates the situation because of rent etc. "That's fine," was the response.

 

In this day and age we have the curse of Facebook, nothing is private anymore. Due to this I know what she has been doing the past few nights. Going out and clubbing. Does this sound like clearing your head? I am not sure. Also one of the nights she spent with one of the friends and her boyfriend and another guy. They each carved a pumpkin in pairs. Not the most reassuring things to see.

 

I am distressed at the moment and looking for positives, but it just seems like such arbitrary reasons for the problems, things that can easily be fixed and are fixing themselves now as I return to myself. I am stuck in what feels like purgatory, I cant make any sort of move. There have been no conclusions. I just have to sit and wait and see what comes out of this.

 

We only had a handful of arguments over the past 4.5 years, always committed, always had fun, great sex (orgasm master. haha).

 

But I want to move on, either with or with out her (pref with her haha), but I am stuck. Don't know what to do.

 

Halp!

 

P.S. Tried to break up the txt enough so it wasn't BLOCK OF TEXT IN YOUR FACE.

 

Thank's for reading and ask any questions you feel necessary.

Edited October 9, 2011 by Dirts
Needed additional information.

[Dirts]

bumpity bump bump

[Lobouspo]

I feel for you man. It sounds like you guys are in limbo, and the not knowing part would drive me nuts. I had a similar situation with a girl years ago. She needed her space, and needed to think about if she wanted to be with me. After about a week i could not take it and told either lets be together and work on things or lets part ways. Well she dumped me and it was painful, but at least i could move on with my life. After being in a serious relationship since she was a teenager, she may just be going through a phase where she wants to party and have a good time, and in time she may come around after she gets it out of her system.

[Dirts]

I hear what you're saying man. Just seems a bit meh, after all the good etc. This GIGS stuff is bollocks. I went through it but manned up and saw that it wouldn't be greener and then it went away and I continued to have a happy relationship with her.

Limbo is ghey.

[Dirts]

You know, it's interesting because as I have thought about this, relationships are a two way thing, communication is key.

I may have been in a rutt, with my self-esteem low from my injury but she is the one who withdrew, she is the one who didn't communicate her unhappiness to me until it was what seemed unbearable.

 

We are both to blame, its not entirely my fault. Had she communicated her concerns earlier on then this could all have been avoided.

Last night she came home to get some stuff, and decided to stay the night, she mad it clear not to get the wrong signals, and I was fine with that, its her house too.

 

But ultimately, she broke the no contact, whether intentional or not, she created the temptation for me to voice my concerns. I didn't wimper. I made it clear that she knows the person I am, confident, non-jealous, non-smothering. Everyone has stumbles, but that I was myself again. I felt it was important to lay that down.

 

She decided to sleep in our bed last night, there was no physical contact of course, but again she invited the temptations. Then this morning I asked if she has even missed me over the past five days with no contact, and she thought about it for a second and said "not really," this coming from the previous day where she said "it's actually nice to see you, and smell you."

So I txted her this morning after she had gone to work and said, this no contact thing has to be 100%. She agreed but also said, I haven't felt this smothered with last night and this morning then I have in the past month. SHE invited that by breaking the no-contact.

 

So I am going to be continue being the confident attractive person I know myself to be, while continuing no contact. Is it hurting still? Of course it is, but what ultimately can I do, other then show that I am dealing with this in the most mature way possible.

 

Last night she even said to me, how are you so "ok" with all this, I am being such a bitch to you. What can I do I said? If anything this just shows the love I have for you.

 

But I am getting fed up with the way this is going about. She is saying that she is choosing not to think about it because she is getting "crazy" ideas, and that she is going to let her sub-conscious do the work, and that one morning she will just wake up and know where her head is at and what she wants.

 

I will continue to show a strong exterior, because this is silly stuff that could have been avoided. Hopefully the pain doesn't last too long.

[leoc1973]

Hey you guys are both dealing with young girls they want their cake and eat it too. At that age they think with their emotions over their heads every time. As they get older they can control their emotions with their heads but at that age I don't think its possible for them. They come over again and again and ask you if you are "Ok" in girl speak this is her asking how much she can get away with. They ask if your ok and you guys probably fall into the trap of no I miss you lets work things out bla bla bla. This tells them great I got a lot more leeway to go have fun this guy isn't going anywhere.

 

One of you is an athlete and the other says you do ok with girls. If you guys even look at another girl I guarantee these girls go out of their minds with jealousy. They can't help it. You always hear of stories of guys treating their girlfriends like **** cheating on them ect. What does the girl do? she drives her friends out of their minds going over and over it with them and their friends tell them dump him over and over and they just can't because of fear of losing them. You guys need to show these girls that they ARE going to lose you and forever! you have to make them really feel this. Don't crack when they cry because they will. Play hard to get a little. A girl doesn't want a guy that pity's himself you guys will be fine just pull away from them a lot. And yeah facebook is evil because it makes it easy for all those worms that don't have the balls to ask a girl out face to face to hit on them and feed their ego and think the grass just might be greener. Be strong and they will come back!

[leoc1973]

WTF do you guys all share the same girlfriend? lol

[Dirts]

Hey you guys are both dealing with young girls they want their cake and eat it too. At that age they think with their emotions over their heads every time. As they get older they can control their emotions with their heads but at that age I don't think its possible for them. They come over again and again and ask you if you are "Ok" in girl speak this is her asking how much she can get away with. They ask if your ok and you guys probably fall into the trap of no I miss you lets work things out bla bla bla. This tells them great I got a lot more leeway to go have fun this guy isn't going anywhere.

 

One of you is an athlete and the other says you do ok with girls. If you guys even look at another girl I guarantee these girls go out of their minds with jealousy. They can't help it. You always hear of stories of guys treating their girlfriends like **** cheating on them ect. What does the girl do? she drives her friends out of their minds going over and over it with them and their friends tell them dump him over and over and they just can't because of fear of losing them. You guys need to show these girls that they ARE going to lose you and forever! you have to make them really feel this. Don't crack when they cry because they will. Play hard to get a little. A girl doesn't want a guy that pity's himself you guys will be fine just pull away from them a lot. And yeah facebook is evil because it makes it easy for all those worms that don't have the balls to ask a girl out face to face to hit on them and feed their ego and think the grass just might be greener. Be strong and they will come back!

 

Haha, it's funny you mention the girl flipping out etc, because there have only been two occasions in our relationship where a girl has been really aggressive towards me and she absolutely flipped out, while I am always composed with the consistent attention she gets.

 

She is a 20/10 as well, but I am also a very good looking guy and am constantly getting stared at, especially the MILFS. lmao.

 

You guys say break it off? Thats a tough one to get the courage to do. You say this will lead her to come back? That unknown isn't inspiring. You guys think there is a better chance of her returning with my breaking it off, or just playing NC and letting her do her ****. I have stayed relatively composed throughout all of those, and the few interactions we have had.

[Dirts]

Also, that's a funny coincidence. haha

 

Just sent this txt to her.

 

I have come to the conclusion that the way this situation is being handled is very unfair. Handling this emotionally I don't feel will bring a healthy conclusion. Don't be scared to use your head. But regardless, you need to know that for my own health I cannot wait forever. I will not contact you again.

 

That sound good to you guys?

[Chi townD]

Dude, she gave you the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. She was cheating on you. That's speech is CLASSIC for it.

 

"not sure of my feelings" classic. "Need to clear my head." Classic.

 

Drop her like a bad habit. Cut off all communication with her. Block her on Facebook. Go complete NC. don't answer texts, e-mails or phonecalls. Don't SEND texts, e-mails or phonecalls.

 

Time to heal and move on.

[norajane]

It's highly unlikely that someone you started dating at 17 is going to be with you the rest of your life. People grow, change, have life experiences, want to have new life experiences. You tend to outgrow the people you fell in love with when you were a teenager.

 

That's what y'all are seeing happening. Time to move on.

[Dirts]

If you think she is cheating then how do I get her to admit it?

[Dirts]

Also, she is very into dream interpretation. She told me that she had a dream of running away from something on a wild white horse.

 

Essentially she interpreted it like this.

 

She is running away from this situation we are in, because she was saying she wanted to disappear and not be in this situation, as in feeling ****ty and trying to figure **** out. then she said, obviously i dont want us to be where we are right now.

 

I know a lot of you are going to say to me drop this girl now, get rid of her etc etc. And I am hoping you're wrong but you're probably right. Is it not possible that this is genuine? Her complete confusion and inability to come to a conclusion. I have only ever known this one girl, I don't have experience with this situation.

[Dirts]

I want to take some action but I feel I need something concrete, not just speculations.

[norajane]

Is it not possible that this is genuine? Her complete confusion and inability to come to a conclusion.

 

Of course. She's probably struggling with how she feels - she's already told you she's not in love with you anymore, and she probably feels bad about that, but she's not feeling it. She's not trying to hurt you, but her feelings have changed as she's been experiencing life without you. She's changed as a person since she's had almost 5 years to grow up since she was 17 and has begun developing into the adult she will become. There's a lot more change ahead - the 20's are a decade of HUGE change.

 

So, yes. She's being genuine and she is confused and doesn't know what to do. However, don't hang your hat on her confusion clearing up so that she ends up with you. This is likely a step toward breaking up permanently once she gets over her guilt at falling out of love with you. She doesn't want to make you feel bad, but she also doesn't want to feel bad herself by staying with you when she's no longer feeling in love.

[Dirts]

I just feel so wronged in this situation. And that **** posted just up there about the cheating, is that a common reality that I have to face? I am skeptical about 1 guy in particular, and I have confronted her a couple times before but I get the, "I would never do that to you line," and considering our really good history I would like to believe that. Something in me tells me otherwise, but should she be given the chance in my head that she could be telling the truth?

 

I need some bloody x-ray vision, these "ifs" and "maybes" are getting retarded. But again I want something concrete to go on...

[norajane]

Why do you feel wronged? Do you think it's "wrong" for people to fall out of love? It happens all the time. It's not something she "did" to you. It's something that has changed in her feelings.

 

And you do have something concrete to go on: she TOLD you she was not in love with you anymore.

 

Stop making this more complicated than it is. Yes, it is painful to hear that your gf isn't in love with you anymore. It's ok to feel pain. But stop seeking other more complicated reasons when she has already told you the truth, which must have been difficult for her to do. People fall out of love all the time, especially at your age. You can't blame people for what they do or don't feel.

[Dirts]

I hear you. I guess I feel wronged because she could have voiced her unhappiness much earlier and things could have been resolved before it got to this.

 

Can someone please answer the cheating questions?

[Dirts]

Call it whatever you want, maybe its just my age. But I think the most devastating part of this for me is that I will not have sex with her again. I really enjoy my sex, and I am good at it. The idea of not having consistent sex sucks balls.

[norajane]

Call it whatever you want, maybe its just my age. But I think the most devastating part of this for me is that I will not have sex with her again. I really enjoy my sex, and I am good at it. The idea of not having consistent sex sucks balls.

 

There you go. If that's the most devastating thing about this - losing regular sex - then you aren't really in love with her anymore either.

[Chi townD]

I have confronted her a couple times before but I get the, "I would never do that to you line," and considering our really good history I would like to believe that. Something in me tells me otherwise, but should she be given the chance in my head that she could be telling the truth?

QUOTE]

 

Yeah...right. Half the people on here has gotten the, " I would never do that." speech. I could be wrong, but if what you posted is true, then there are too many red flags that does indicate that is was cheating on you. People say you can read a cheaters responses like reading it from a script!

 

Now here's the rub, she's never gonna fess up to the cheating. You have no proof, therefore, she isn't going to volunteer the information. Cheaters will only admit to what you've discovered. Since you don't live together, it's pointless to put a keylogger on the computer. You can't check the phone records because she probably has her own account. And it's pretty pointless to place VAR's around the house. Only thing that you could find out is if one of your friends happen to see her at one of these clubs and she's all over some guy. If you approached her with that information, all you're going to get is "we're not together anymore, so it's none of your business who I'm dating." Thus, you can't prove this was the guy she was cheating on you with.

even if you could prove she was cheating on you, all she would do is blameshift, trying to make it your fault that she cheated. Or, she would also give you another classic line like, " (the other guy) isn't the reason why we broke up!" Yeah....right....

 

Best you can do is heal from this. Stay NC and move on.

[Dirts]

That was a bit silly to say really. 4.5 years, thats not the most devastating part. It's just something that will suck, because its so easy for girls to go out and have sex, if they are confident. Knowing that is what makes it hard I suppose.

 

But we had a chat today, threw some stuff at her. Essentially she said, she wants to want to be with me, and can't imagine herself with anyone else, so shes trying this space thing out so she can have a chance to miss me. I donno, its turning into a bit of a mess. Ill update here and there.

[Chi townD]

Nothing silly about it because it is what it is. She wants space? Fine! Give it to her. But, if she expects you to sit on the sidelines waiting for her to get...whatever it is...out of her system, then you're doing yourself a disservice. How is it fair to keep you on a string like that?

 

You need to go complete NC on her. No texts, phonecalls or e-mails. She wanted you out of her life then that's EXACTLY what you give her. She made that choice, not you. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all. Don't fall for that "friend zone" crap. Is going complete NC going to be hard? HELL YEAH!! It will be incredibly difficult for the first month. But, people are here to help you through this. Answer questions and give advice. Then, one day, you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing on your mind. THAT'S when you start healing.

[redblack66]

Essentially she said, she wants to want to be with me, and can't imagine herself with anyone else, so shes trying this space thing out so she can have a chance to miss me. I donno, its turning into a bit of a mess. Ill update here and there.

 

This is total BS. Simply, go NC. If somebody wants to be with you, they do not need the time and space, which is BTW, the standard way to dump somebody.

[Dirts]

Nothing silly about it because it is what it is. She wants space? Fine! Give it to her. But, if she expects you to sit on the sidelines waiting for her to get...whatever it is...out of her system, then you're doing yourself a disservice. How is it fair to keep you on a string like that?

 

You need to go complete NC on her. No texts, phonecalls or e-mails. She wanted you out of her life then that's EXACTLY what you give her. She made that choice, not you. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all. Don't fall for that "friend zone" crap. Is going complete NC going to be hard? HELL YEAH!! It will be incredibly difficult for the first month. But, people are here to help you through this. Answer questions and give advice. Then, one day, you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing on your mind. THAT'S when you start healing.

 

Here's the crux. We live together and she has been dropping by from time to time to get clothes, shower etc. Throwing breadcrumbs here and there. We did chat last night and decided that the independence she needed was to move out, not to end our relationship. So that's the plan at the moment. I'll see how it goes then make a decision.