Direct communication and female perceptions

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't mean to make this a gender war discussion but I have experienced that many women--be it in relationships or in my family on in the work place--interpret direct communication as confrontation, "scolding", "complaining", or some other derivation of "meanness" when there is no hostility whatsoever behind me simply trying to right something that has been going wrong (or fix something that has been turning out less then desireably).

 

I can't be alone in this and I ask for your trust that I'm not a meanie who fails to exercise sensitivities in communicating my issues. What's up with this? Other guys experience this? Women, do you ever project anger on to a male counterpart or feel intimidation before you interpret what it is that a guy is trying to communicate? What would you have men do to communicate issues without the sense that he's "negative", a "grump" or a grouch? Short of acting like Richard Simmons, I don't know what to do to short-circuit this pattern. Am I too tall or what?

 

 

PS: I will discount any post that says it's all me. I'm a sweetheart. Really.

Edited October 9, 2011 by Feelin Frisky

[snug.bunny]

Is there an example of a comment that was made where it was downright mean? Something like at 2:04 is this clip.

 

Something like that as example would be pretty hurtful.

 

I'm sure I've said some meanie things too to people. A friend of mine has told me that there are only two people in the world that can get under her skin, her brother and me. Keep in mind, her personality is such, that 95% of the time she has a silver tongue but in a manner that is sharp and offensive (she is a bit of a tough arse).

 

I've learned to disregard/filter out her aggressiveness but when she pushes me buttons, the roles are reversed, and it takes one comment on my end to shut her down. At that point, the words just fly out of my mouth but I'll feel bad immediatly afterwards like "wow, I really should not have said that, that was mean of me" and will later apologize and explain why I said what I said when I said it. We'll talk it out and make ammends.

[Feelin Frisky]

Is there an example of a comment that was made where it was downright mean? Something like at 2:04 is this clip.

 

Something like that as example would be pretty hurtful.

 

I'm sure I've said some meanie things too to people. A friend of mine has told me that there are only two people in the world that can get under her skin, her brother and me. Keep in mind, her personality is such, that 95% of the time she has a silver tongue but in a manner that is sharp and offensive (she is a bit of a tough arse).

 

I've learned to disregard/filter out her aggressiveness but when she pushes me buttons, the roles are reversed, and it takes one comment on my end to shut her down. At that point, the words just fly out of my mouth but I'll feel bad immediately afterwards like "wow, I really should not have said that, that was mean of me" and will later apologize and explain why I said what I said when I said it. We'll talk it out and make ammends.

I'm not talking about a single incident. For instance, I can't even talk to my mother without her taking a simple request as a criticism. She can't answer a yes or no question with yes or no and has to give me a line of double talk based upon her nature to avoid directness. It ALWAYS maneuvers me into appearing impatient. I don't start out that way--it just gets that way when a simple thing becomes a point of contention in her head. I frankly HATE being cornered into appearing negative or angry. I work hard not be be and feel confident that I succeed most of the time. This scenario seems to follow me a lot however and I just wonder what all else goes on in the world.

[snug.bunny]

I'm not talking about a single incident. For instance, I can't even talk to my mother without her taking a simple request as a criticism. She can't answer a yes or no question with yes or no and has to give me a line of double talk based upon her nature to avoid directness. It ALWAYS maneuvers me into appearing impatient. I don't start out that way--it just gets that way when a simple thing becomes a point of contention in her head. I frankly HATE being cornered into appearing negative or angry. I work hard not be be and feel confident that I succeed most of the time. This scenario seems to follow me a lot however and I just wonder what all else goes on in the world.

 

If you find people have commented on your requests as "critical", try being less abrasive with your approach.

 

For instance, making a request that includes telling someone what to do and/or what YOU think they should do, in a way that is sarcastic and/or critical, tends to come across "bitchy" (and those "bitchy" type of comments are generally reserved for being said by us women ).

 

I.E. "Go do the laundry now...Actually, knowing you, you'd probably prefer to wait until it piles up for days and then complain there is too much laundry...."

 

Versus...

 

"Would you mind doing the laundry now?" or "How do you feel about doing the laundry right now...?" or "What are your thoughts on doing the laundry right now?".

 

The latter is suggestive and direct and simple enough for the other person to comprehend without feeling "attacked".

 

Having said that, you can only communicate your requests, thoughts, and/or desires to a point... It's then on them to choose whether or not to follow through.

[Cypress25]

An equal number of men and women have trouble with direct communication. It's not a gender thing, it's a personality thing. There are plenty of men who are indirect communicators and plenty of women who are direct communicators. This is an area where I don't recommend you mix and match. If two people have totally different communication styles, they're in for a rough ride.

[norajane]

A lot of it has to do with tone and delivery. If more than a few people have said you come across as critical, there may be something in your approach that is coming off that way.

 

Also, with people like your mother, you know perfectly well what your pattern with her is so you have to do something to change the pattern. You know her nature is to avoid directness; so next time choose not to get uspet about it. Just sigh and shake your head - that's mom being mom again. She isn't going to change. Change your reactions - you are capable of it.

[xxoo]

I'm not talking about a single incident. For instance, I can't even talk to my mother without her taking a simple request as a criticism. She can't answer a yes or no question with yes or no and has to give me a line of double talk based upon her nature to avoid directness. It ALWAYS maneuvers me into appearing impatient. I don't start out that way--it just gets that way when a simple thing becomes a point of contention in her head. I frankly HATE being cornered into appearing negative or angry. I work hard not be be and feel confident that I succeed most of the time. This scenario seems to follow me a lot however and I just wonder what all else goes on in the world.

 

Are you feeling impatient when this happens?

 

If so, she could interpret your honest impatience as negative or critical.

 

Maybe a cheerful, "No rush. Take some time to decide and get back to me. Good? :)" would work.

[Emilia]

An equal number of men and women have trouble with direct communication. It's not a gender thing, it's a personality thing. There are plenty of men who are indirect communicators and plenty of women who are direct communicators. This is an area where I don't recommend you mix and match. If two people have totally different communication styles, they're in for a rough ride.

 

I agree with this and also with nora jane.

[chucksagent]

Don't ever doubt it brother...you are 110% right...

 

My mother, my grandmother, my aunts, my girlfriend, female co-workers, lol ALL behave that way. And I am a VERY nice guy - and they all will be the first to tell you that I am.

 

I just told my girlfriend that last night "You are very reactionary!" I will tell her something small and she gets very upset and overreacts.

 

A woman at work last week - I called over to her and asked if we had any more desk calenders and she almost broke down crying?!? I wasn't mean in the LEAST. I just asked plainly. I even said thank you. But she was very reactive.

[Kamille]

I know I've gotten better at handling and appreciating direct communication now that I'm learning how to communicate my needs directly myself.

 

I grew up believing, perhaps like many other women (and men?), that I wasn't allowed to express negative emotions. This means that when other people expressed negative emotions to me, I didn't understand what they were doing, and thought of it as criticism or as bottled up anger. (Because when I expressed negative emotions, it really meant I had reached the end of my rope and that I was really angry and really annoyed).

 

Now that I'm learning to express negative emotions, I understand that when other people do it, they're just expressing a need.

[Feelin Frisky]

I know I've gotten better at handling and appreciating direct communication now that I'm learning how to communicate my needs directly myself.

 

I grew up believing, perhaps like many other women (and men?), that I wasn't allowed to express negative emotions. This means that when other people expressed negative emotions to me, I didn't understand what they were doing, and thought of it as criticism or as bottled up anger. (Because when I expressed negative emotions, it really meant I had reached the end of my rope and that I was really angry and really annoyed).

 

Now that I'm learning to express negative emotions, I understand that when other people do it, they're just expressing a need.

 

Thanks for sincere insight. I'm thinking it's really an issue of neglect that passes down through the ages and no one leads both males and females to face that nature has a sort of natural imbalance where males and females are different and some extra effort is needed on both sides of a relationship or interaction to keep things productive and unprickly. My assertion was that my experience involves "some" women and not "women" in general. And we should not take it as a gender war charge that surely "some" women feel things negatively first before they turn it into positive (if ever). I know I try to be understanding and patient but regardless, this problem has dogged me. I can't do any more really without becoming artificial and gushing like a Richard Simmons character.

I guess I see things the opposite way of "negative first and ask questions later" and that is what tells me that it's perfectly normal to communicate directly rather than trying to "out-fox" a neurotic mind with preventive niceness. Surely there are men who default to "negative first and ask questions later" as well. But I don't have to deal with them--thus the seemingly one-sided view. Thanks again for being open-minded and candid.

[chucksagent]

Kamille!!! That's exactly how my girlfriend describes it!!! It must be pretty common.

[sillysmart]

Hey feeling frisky a couple of thoughts may or may not help at all.

One always keep in mind with any communicatin whether direct or not one is always communicating about the relaitonships at the same time. So talking to Mom you could be talking about a trip well your not just talking about a trip your talking about how you feel about Mom and your also responding to how she thinks you feel about her. So a simple I love you Mom I always will I accept you for who your are but I want to talk about how I feel about the trip may alleviate that.

Second when talking with women they talk, process and problem solve while verbalizng. What this means is simple assertive communication such as what happened or do you want to happen how you felt about it or feel about it and what you want or hope for is helpful. This leaves little room for any attack or perceived attack on their character etc.

Also are you a good listener? Do you check them for understanding? Maybe your perceptions are off and you are so focused on solving a problem that they feel that is more important than they are to you? Just a couple of thoughts.

Back to the processing while talking thing. Women may not be able to give an answer without talking and reacting that is how they get to the point of decision! You can ask them to not react and just think but usually they are still going to come back with questions geared toward you reassuring them of love for them or your intentions in asking. This is there way of letting you know they care about what you think of them and that they care about you period. I know you want to keep it simple.

I wish it was but guys do the same thing they communicate sometimes about all kinds of things but at the same time they are sizing each other up...kinda the same thing. There is always how are we relating? What does it mean? Those types of thoughts.

Hope this helps I may have confused or bored you more? If so sorry.