DPbb Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Hi, First of, this is going to be my first post and it's going to be long so yeah... Never thought I'd be posting my love life on a forum but it seems that's just how things have gotten. I've known my "girlfriend" for just over a year now. We're both 19 and in second year uni studying the same course. Yesterday I raged and shouted at her, telling her I hate her and to break up. This was the first time I ever told her I hate her. Now before I begin, I know someone may say we're only 19 so we still have a long way to go in life and actually it's my first real relationship and I really don't want to put it behind me. So anyway, I'll say what happened yesterday and today before talking about the past and the mistakes I've made. Yesterday: Yesterday was just a normal day, I was at home and she was at uni accommodation. I live with my parents above a takeaway so I gotta help out on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. We had pretty much arranged for me to stay with her after I finished worked that night but she asked if I could come earlier at 8pm but I kinda told her in a blunt way that I couldn't (I did this automatically). She began to get a bit angry with the way I told her but I didn't realise this and she told me not to go, I was a bit confused but accepted her decision. About an hour later I decided I could leave work now and asked her if she was sure she didn't want me to be with her, she said no again and I was a bit hurt that she didn't want this and just sent a text back saying "ok :)" with the fake smile. A couple of hours later, I called her but she had changed her tone to a cold one and I immediately noticed but she was just out of the shower so she said she'd call me back so I agreed. I knew there was something up and the atmosphere wasn't right already. Later on she then sent me a text with "night night :)" and shut her phone off immediately. I proceeded to go to sleep but knew I wouldn't be able to sleep so decided to be selfish and went to find her. Unfortunately I was on the last tube and I had to change again for another tube but missed it and ended up getting a taxi and running some of the way before finally arriving about an hour later than scheduled. She was already fast sleep but I kept knocking on her door (but not too hard as I didn't want to draw attention as she's living in student accommodation). After perhaps 10 rounds of 10 knocks I realised she couldn't hear me so I asked the reception to call her. I went to her room and it was now about 1am and she gave me an angry look, sort of like "wtf are you doing here, I'm sleeping". Then I immediately added fuel to the fire and kept repeatedly asking her what's wrong and she kept telling me there was nothing wrong and to let her sleep. I said something like "you think I'm not tired?! It took one and a half hours to get here!" sort of thing before realising she was angry because of the way I told her I couldn't come, she told me I treated her like a regular friend like there was something wrong, she said I could have just been more normal and at that point I was understanding wrong and I was angry with her and asked her why couldn't she understand I was working but it seems that was a misunderstanding as she understood it but just didn't like my tone towards her. She then said she expected me to come but I didn't meet her expectations and I was angry at her because one minute she tells me to go and the other minute she tells me to not go and be with her. I know in her heart she probably wants me to be with her all the time but she also doesn't want to depend on me too much she says so I try to respect her decision. I'm not really interested in who is wrong, but I just want to know why I couldn't understand her. Is it my lack of experience and age? It was only two weeks ago that she flew back to England after a 5 week holiday where she was back with her parents. On the day that I picked her up I bought her flowers and printed our summer holiday photos into a photobook and handwrite lots of text in it. Last night when I told her to break up I wanted to take the book back and asked her for it as I couldn't see it, however she had torn the pages from it, although easily fixable I was really hurt at this time and my tears were now pouring fast and I just shouted at her "I hate you, I f***ing hate you!". After an hour or so more of me shouting at her and after she called her mum and said something like "I'm with that dick right now" along with something like "it's funny how he's just sleeping". I remember she was also typing some sort of word document, but she didn't let me look and just shouted back at me, this was after I told her to shut up and let me sleep. (I'd just like to make it clear that I asked her, "do you want to continue this relationship?", she said "up to you" and I said "let's break up" then we both sat separately crying. Then she asks me "why do you come here, to give me hell?" I'm not sure exactly what I said but I later said "just let me be selfish for the final time and let me sleep". After this was the book and shut up part before she turned on her laptop. She then shut it down and it was the last thing I remember before falling asleep. The next morning when I woke up, she seemed to be in a better mood and she was revising whilst I just lay in the mattress (note: we slept in seperate beds) dozing in and out. She then came next to me and lay next to me and held my hand and hugged me and called me her petnames for me and pretended to be cute but this just made me cry and miss her more and regret my decision but I wasn't sure what to do and decided to not hug her back but I realised her hands and feet were really cold so I held her hand and asked her "why?" whilst crying and she said she wanted to treasure the last moment with me. At this point all I could do was cry more and more before she went back to her revision. I then put the bed properly and asked her when the dining hall was opened before brunch in a sort of cold fashion before eating brunch by myself after saying "I'm leaving now, bye" and not receiving a reply from her. At brunch I think I saw her friend but I just ignored her and ate by myself and sat far away before going home. When on the tube home, I had some tears but distracted my attention with a puzzle game but just kept thinking back to how wonderful my girlfriend was and wrote a text saying how amazing she was, to thank her for what she did in the morning and said I'm her only family in this country so I'll help her if needed but I wasn't sure if it was ok to contact before closing the text saying she was truly beautiful". I sent this text when I got home but didn't receive a reply. I then spent some time revising and applying for internships but after this I came back to this problem again and just called her without any thoughts other than telling myself that I couldn't. She answered my call and asked why I called her, with me saying I was lost. She asked did I want to break up a second time and I asked "huh?". She then said that I'm not responsible and didn't keep my promise of never leaving her and said this morning I was adament and determined on ending this relationship. We asked each other what we did and talked a bit about the internships and she asked whether it was ok to go to lectures together tomorrow and I said yes, thank you. She said thank you back to me and I said that we're the only ones that can help each other. She apologised for making me have no friends but I said I chose to not make any friends and said I'm already a terrible person and said if I were with a certain group of people (club goers) that I would be an even more terrible person. I also apologised to her as I actually controlled her and didn't really let her have friends last year. We then planned tomorrow's day a little but she then said she didn't want to talk any more. I wasn't sure if this was what she really meant to I asked her and she said she really didn't want to so we ended the call there. Our past: At the beginning, as I'm quite immature and this was my first relationship, I made a lot of mistakes. She's an international student and has been betrayed in the past before by a girl who she regarded as a friend so she doesn't like to trust people too much but as she's a girl and her parents aren't with her, she feels lonely easily. Last year I talked to other girls a lot before dating her but even after going out with her I still talked to other girls but after about 2 months together we had our first argument, she was back in her home country at that time and told me that she was upset to know that I was texting other girls late at night before talking to her (different time zones). I realised my first mistake and I promised I would not talk to those girls again and distanced myself from them. After she returned, we began to have mini arguments from time to time because I would spend a few nights playing games with my guy friends and then she'd be all alone in her accommodation with no friends to rely on and no boyfriend to talk to. I admit I did really bad, but everytime she gave me chances again and again whenever I made her unhappy. During these times she was beginning to consult in a guy that was a brother to her and whenever I did something bad, she would talk to him (but never meet up with him) and tell him almost everything and he'd calm her down and then she would continue the relationship with me. I feel this isn't really important now as she's mainly just pushed him out of her life and I feel he probably thinks that she just used him a lot and also left her. He's actually a family friend to her but he's single so he was actively looking for a girlfriend to potentially marry. My girlfriend is quite insecure and did tell me that if she went with him she would be able to have an easy life but she told me she fell in love with me and that she was too stupid to control her emotions and couldn't leave me. Almost in every argument, it would be her stepping down and then us solving the problem. The year moved pretty fast and there were a few moments where we almost broke up but we managed to pull each other back every time where each time it would be one of us finding the other one and then with some tears and some talk, we'd be back together again. The summer approached and we were going to go on holiday inside the country but whilst she was looking at hotels, I just kept telling her "up to you" as I don't really like to take responsibility (although I know if I picked a bad hotel she would never blame me) and also as I wasn't too picky about hotels, she became angry with my attitude and decided to fly back to her home country early. We almost broke up at this time again but we patched things up before she left and I bought a ticket to visit her in a months time. In the next month I'd contact her everyday as I knew a long distance relationship with no effort would die pretty easily and the month passed and although we sometimes had some misunderstandings or small arguments I visited her in the end. I stayed with her and her parents in their house and they treated me really nicely, but a little more like a guest as we were still young, but it was a billion times better than how my parents treated her. My parents aren't too happy with me being in a relationship (well my dad's fine with it but my mum isn't the most positive parent) and so when my mum called her house she would just be asking something like "hi, can I speak to my son please" with no other greetings, which caused some tensions between our families but I tried to talk things with her mum a bit. Her mum is really nice and understanding and likes to talk a lot but of course is very protective of her daughter. Although we had a few arguments she would never blame me or anything like that and she would always look after me, especially when I was ill for about 2 weeks with a fever and flu. I stayed with them for almsot 2 months before returning to the UK. In her country I learnt and felt that she really did love me and that I made so many mistakes in the past and proceeded to sort of plan the future, she dreaded England as she had almost no friends here anymore and it would remind her of the nights alone crying whilst I was gaming away or something. I told her I quitted gaming and truly did as I knew it would cause problems and worked hard to help her find internships as well as help myself. I helped her search up things like local gyms and swimming pools as well as a dance clubs as she said if she were more independent then she wouldn't need to rely on me so much but I told her that she could believe in me this time and tried to give her hope. These last two weeks I feel our relationship has been wonderful with each of us supporting each other but she still remembers the past sometimes and thinks too much but I feel I am also becoming dependent on her and starting to think too much but whenever she thinks too much she tells herself to stop and does something else whereas my brain ends up controlling me most of the time. We've made a few promises to each other, I told her I would never leave her and she said she'd never throw things away (I bought her a watch which she threw on the floor and an iPhone which she did the same with as well as my clothes and other gifts I bought her). She promised this and yesterday said she kept her promise and she only ripped the book and hid it from me as she didn't want me to see it as she wanted to continue this relationship and didn't want me to be angry. She also says I'm scary when we have an argument but I keep denying that as I don't use any violence and will never think of using violence or swearwords or anything like that. I just don't know what to do, I want to crawl back to her and beg her to forgive me again, but I know that even if she forgives me, what if I lose me temper again and end up blaming her. I don't know why but everytime I'm angry I will blame other people, and I feel I blame her a lot but just think to myself and hide it. I really feel we both put a lot into this relationship so why can't it work out perfectly? I feel she's really loyal to me as she doesn't find any boys and doesn't go to clubs although she likes to dance because she knows I can't dance and knows I don't like parties. I am also loyal to her only and would never cheat on her and never think about it. But I also feel I made her suffer a lot and I don't want her to waste her time with me as a girl's youth is their most important. I feel we both do love each other. If we do breakup though it'll be a little difficult as we're studying the same course in uni with 90% of the same classes. If anyone read this far then really, thank you, you're another amazing person.
R32 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Leave her alone. Wait until she contacts you. She was the one who ended the phone call. I'm sure she wants some time to get her head straight, and let everything that happened settle. Furthermore, you have some issues to work out yourself. Take this time to concentrate on yourself, and reflect on the relationship. You're already making progress by realizing you tend to blame her for every speed bump. The two of you have a lot of baggage to sort out, so a "talk" is guaranteed. It's just a matter of when.
Author DPbb Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 Leave her alone. Wait until she contacts you. She was the one who ended the phone call. I'm sure she wants some time to get her head straight, and let everything that happened settle. Furthermore, you have some issues to work out yourself. Take this time to concentrate on yourself, and reflect on the relationship. You're already making progress by realizing you tend to blame her for every speed bump. The two of you have a lot of baggage to sort out, so a "talk" is guaranteed. It's just a matter of when. Thank you very much for reading my thread. Yeah I guess I do have some issues with myself, I get jealous way too easily and she has told me several times in our mini arguments that I'm too selfish. I will stop myself from contacting her for now as I know it is unfair on her, I don't like or want to seem as if I am forcing her to talk to me. The original thread title was meant to be "How to sort myself out" but I want to continue this relationship and although I'm young and may therefore be naive, I don't want to try any other girls - she is the one I want to spend my life with but I don't want to give her any more "hell". I remember one time when we almost broke up and she told me not to contact her and I really didn't and then she contacted me the next day out of the blue and arranged a date that went really well although it was nothing special. I can really feel her love towards me and I want to give her even more love back. I guess yesterday we could have sorted out things in a much nicer way if I wasn't in tears the whole time and shouting and blaming her repeatedly. I'm feeling a little more comfortable now but I'm not sure what I can do at the moment other than give her time. I'm still not confident enough to get back with her immediately if she gave me the chance as I feel although I've changed several things about myself I still can't fit her. I know relationships should not require change and they should not be forced upon, but I really want this relationship to work and be a permanent relationship.
R32 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Trust me, it's hard to leave them alone as you're constantly curious what's going through their mind. But this time alone is crucial, as you start to analyze yourself and what type of person you were in the relationship. Especially IF you were always blaming her for the wrongs. It's easy to say she's "the one" now however, how will you know until you start dating around? In some cases time apart, and dating different people will bring you closer in the end. It's an unbearable thought, however sometimes it is necessary. I was with my ex for 4 years. We went through just about everything together. And I always thought she was "the one". As I'm nearing my two weeks of NC, I'm starting to realize maybe we weren't all that compatible to begin with.
Author DPbb Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 I'm reading other posts on here and trying to apply what I learn from it to my own relationship so that's helping me in not contacting her. And yeah, I know I'm young and that there are still many fishes in the sea but I just feel although we've only been together for a year it still feels like we've shared everything and that she's the closest one to me and that she's there for me and I'm there for her and we'll walk through this world together always - sort of thing.
R32 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Same here man. Whenever I feel down, or need to vent, this forum has been great. I know that feeling. I just turned 21 about a month ago, and a big part of growing up was spent with my ex. These situations suck, however in your case it really is too soon to predict what will happen. Keep in mind everything happened quite recently, so give it some time to settle and clear your head.
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