babyygirllhi Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 (edited) Please Please read and help!! Detailed so you have a full understanding bc I truly need advice. I was on here often during my breakup bc I had such a hard time. Mostly, bc it didnt make since and I felt lost. My ex of 1 year broke up with me saying he is still in love with me but not ready. He said he was lost, etc. When we first got together, he said "i want to be 30 by the time i am who i want to be" and he wanted to build himself up as a person by doing experiments (stand up comedy, doing a blog, etc) just random things for himself. He also was very closed and had a hard time talking. I opened him up a lot. But he is very much into doing everything on his own, not letting anyone help him, etc. Anyway, He showed to have a very hard time with the break up. Which was why I just couldnt understand. We were perfect together, perfect for eachohter, so attracted, nothing was wrong. But he said "i have to be alone, im wierd, i'll be alone forever. If I were to be with anyone, it would be with you." I just didnt understand, bc as for me, I would have done ANYTHING to be with him. It killed feeling that he would let me go. About 1-2 months after our breakup, I had plans to move and would be moving within the next 1-2 weeks.(had been planned before the breakup). He begged to come see me, so he drove 1 hour, we ran into eachothers arms, held eachother for minutes and just gazed into eachothers eyes, kissed, then walked to my place and made love all night. We talked all night too, it was unreal.(trust me when i say he is not out for sex). I asked him if he was happy and he answered "i dont know". Then he said like "i miss you but its not unbearable". For me, it was insanely unbearable. The following evening, he left and we both hugged and cried. Then I got an email from him a week before I moved stating that he is so happy we could say bye, im amazing, he misses me and will miss me. (im 24 btw and he is almost 23). So now, 1.5 month later, I wrote him (facebook, we dont text) saying that I still plan to pay him back (he loaned me money) and that i appreciate how kind and giving he was. It was a simple, kind mail. The following day he replied saying like "ive been sitting here for 30 min trying to come up wtih what to write, thinking about you is hard...i wrote down a lot of thoughts the other night about us and our time together. It would mean a lot to me if you read it but if you can't I'll understand. Let me know. I would love to skype some day too. /Me" I lost it and replied that i miss him so much. That was all I wrote. Then he replied the next day that he feels the same and he has to remind himself why we broke up, which he stated was due to us being caught "in the negative". He said he needed time and he still does. I replied "Either way, you chose to let me go. You are happier without me which I could never look past. I thought skyping would make me miss you too much, but I don't think it will"... he answered right away but i didnt see and it said "you there?" I never replied, that night he wrote "Regarding my message yesterday. I miss you so much that I sometimes feel like I have to tell you. I know it makes no sense and makes things worse. I'm sorry and I won't do it again. I hope you're doing well, it really means a lot to me!" After he sent that I wrote a long message about what i want in life, my dreams, etc ... because I just felt like I wanted to share it with him, the one person I can share it with. I woke up without a message from him and felt regret for writing my dreams to him, the guy who broke up with me .. I wrote right away saying it was a bad idea and i should share my dreams with peple who care and that i hope he is diong great but i need to move on.. he then replied right away saying "wait, did u write to me? ended up that he never got it and then he asked me to send it again. then said he had to go because i had to practice for his first stand up show... i realized during this emailing back and forth (4 days of it) was just killing me, bc i missed him mroe and more everytime i talked. so i wrote like "there is no reason to resend it, you chose not to have me in ur life and i should share my dreams with someone who reciprocates. I then told him how i felt about him, that he just wants to live life for himself, he is afraid of making mistakes and doesnt want anyone to see any vulnerabilities or insecurities but how confidence comes from being able to make mistakes and admit it and learn from it, etc. He then replied with this email that SHOCKED me "You are so right! I'm in the process of opening up now. The letter I wrote to you that I asked if you wanted to see was primarily about this, about how I've been closed and insecure and how that affected us and made you feel worse than with anybody before. Any contact we have from now on will be 100% honest and open. Please resend if you want to, I promise to reciprocate and open up the same way back. I'm going up on stage I'm an hour.. talk tomorrow?" I sent him my mail the he never got and he replied saying "Thx for sending! I understand and agree. lets talk more tomorrow" i replied "A quick chat I can do in a few hours but I made plans for tomorrow. Why do u want to talk? Can you handle it?" Then i realized i cant handle it myself, this talking has to stop, so i wrote an hour later "I'm going to be honest. I was doing fine until we started talking again. You hurt me more than you can even imagine. You broke my heart so bad that even to this day I feel like I will never be able to love again. I still have days where I cry. I would have done anything to be with you because I loved you more than anything in this world. Our conversations and laughs and experiences and your touch and smell I miss more than I ever knew was possible. But you didn't love me enough. And that's that. I'm happy for you, that you are feeling better, but I'm moving on which means I can't talk to you until I'm completely over you. Or maybe never." The next minute he wrote I'm here I was writing a message when i got yours I wrote "Can't handle talking so lets wait. But 'm happy for the last few days of talking." I don't know what to write. Your message made me cry, I have to go now. I write back when i know what to write e bye I then replied right away "I see a big difference in how much more open you are and I'm proud. Dont write back." Whats going on?!?! :'( Is this something like "you cant love someone else before you love yourself" kind of thing? Or is it simlpy he doesnt love me enough, never will ... I know I deserve to be loved so much, but I want him Or is he just eccentric? Another thing that makes me feel he is just eccentric is bc he was having unsafe sex with me (for me, i was madly in love so i wasnt afraid of having a baby..) but he was still doing it during our breakup... its like he just does things sprastically .. which is scary for the sake of my heart, right?! Edited October 9, 2011 by babyygirllhi
Mack05 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Didnt even read your post. I don't have to. I told you six weeks ago that guy was a serious eccentric. Do you know what has changed? Nothing........
Recommended Posts