chasingdreams Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I have been dating this guy for about a month, not serious yet. He mentioned something in passing about being in jail. I didnt probe any further until the other day. So I asked him and he said he was in prison for 4 years for a felony drug charge, when he was in his early 20s. He is a very very nice guy and I really like him a lot. Well, the curiosity got the best of me and I did a google serch of his name and the city he is from. A court document came up with information from an anonymous caller to the police implementing him in some serious SERIOUS charges from when he was 18. I did a background check on him to see if he was charged with anything else. He has, and the list of offenses was verrry long. From other possession charges, to assault. The thing in the court document wasnt on there. These things all happened at least 7 years ago and the only thing in the past 7 years hes gotten is a speeding ticket. I know I seriously crossed the line by doing this and I feel really really bad. Should these things be a deal breaker or should I bring it up again?
denise_xo Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I have been dating this guy for about a month, not serious yet. He mentioned something in passing about being in jail. I didnt probe any further until the other day. So I asked him and he said he was in prison for 4 years for a felony drug charge, when he was in his early 20s. He is a very very nice guy and I really like him a lot. Well, the curiosity got the best of me and I did a google serch of his name and the city he is from. A court document came up with information from an anonymous caller to the police implementing him in some serious SERIOUS charges from when he was 18. I did a background check on him to see if he was charged with anything else. He has, and the list of offenses was verrry long. From other possession charges, to assault. The thing in the court document wasnt on there. These things all happened at least 7 years ago and the only thing in the past 7 years hes gotten is a speeding ticket. I know I seriously crossed the line by doing this and I feel really really bad. Should these things be a deal breaker or should I bring it up again? I have seen cases of people turning their lives around from pretty bad to much better, but personally I'd pass in this case - based on the very serious charges and the fact that he withheld a lot of it from you.
Author chasingdreams Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 if it makes any difference he wasnt charged with the serious charges from the court document. just the drug charge that he told me about and a ton of misdemeanors.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 If you don't have all that much invested in him, you probably should excuse yourself and move on. This will likely always be a concern and obviously you are concerned about it. Either that or go way slow and look for signs of any criminal tendencies. Good luck.
Pierre Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 if it makes any difference he wasnt charged with the serious charges from the court document. just the drug charge that he told me about and a ton of misdemeanors. Are you that desperate? The record shows stuff because he got caught. Just imagine how many more crimes he vomited where he was not caught. This is the tip of the iceberg. By the way criminals can be very charming with women.
Pierre Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 if it makes any difference he wasnt charged with the serious charges from the court document. just the drug charge that he told me about and a ton of misdemeanors. Are you that desperate? The record shows stuff where he got caught. Just imagine how many more crimes he did where he was not caught. This is the tip of the iceberg. By the way criminals can be very charming with women.
Author chasingdreams Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 how does that translate into me being desperate?
somedude81 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 how does that translate into me being desperate? There are plenty of guys out there who don't have a record. There isn't any need to go for one who does.
daphne Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 (edited) I think he's suggesting that you might want better for yourself, in a less than tactful way. There's some merit to what he says though. They levied a lot of charges to him, but maybe only one stuck. I'd personally take a pass on this myself. We've all made mistakes, but it sounds like he's made some big ones and the risk/reward ratio is pretty darn low at this point in your dating history. & fwiw, I don't think there's anything wrong with doing a background check on this guy. It's public information, and you have a right to protect yourself from unsavory characters who could affect negatively or possibly even ruin your life. Edited October 9, 2011 by daphne
PelicanPete Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I'm quite surprised at how judgmental some people are. He committed the crimes when he was in late teens early 20s, which from what I read was quite a few years ago. Those are the years you learn a lot about life. Did you not make mistakes at that age too? OP, if you really like him, I say give him a shot. It may be hard for most people to believe, but some people actually learn from their mistakes. Only make his past an issue if he himself makes it one.
somedude81 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Mistakes? The vast majority of people go through life without committing those "mistakes."
denise_xo Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 (edited) I'm quite surprised at how judgmental some people are. He committed the crimes when he was in late teens early 20s, which from what I read was quite a few years ago. Those are the years you learn a lot about life. Did you not make mistakes at that age too? OP, if you really like him, I say give him a shot. It may be hard for most people to believe, but some people actually learn from their mistakes. Only make his past an issue if he himself makes it one. I don't think it's judgmental to be cautious about someone with a criminal record. We all carry a great potential for changing into better human beings and I don't find that hard to believe at all, but there are also many cases of people who don't change. I don't know about the US, but where I live four years in prison implies a relatively serious offense. A healthy skepticism is not a bad thing in such cases, IMO. If your daughter came home and told you she was dating someone with a criminal record who had spent four years in prison, would you then advise her to proceed with some caution? Edited October 9, 2011 by denise_xo
antidote Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Am I the only one having a hard time imagining a "really nice guy" being charged with assault and felony drug charges?? Maybe the OP's definition of "really nice" is different from mine though Or maybe the law isn't what it used to be
thatone Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 you know better than we do what type of person he is. but the reason criminals wind up falling back into crime is because you can find all that out about him. yeah, he may be reformed for lack of a better word 7 years later but every time he applies for a job and they ask him if he's a felon, he'll have to say yes. that closes doors, forever. if you do continue, be sure you're ok with all that, and be sure that he knows you won't tolerate even a hint of impropriety.
Author chasingdreams Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 Im just going to base my judgement on how well he treats me and other people. The felony happened when he was 18. Hes in his 30s now. I dont think I have a loose definition of good character. Im going to give him the benefit of the doubt. As far as the job situation, he has a steady and secure job and owns his own house. He is a good person, just because someone did bad things doesnt make them a bad person. Thanks for the advice.
thatone Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 (edited) if that's the case with the job/house, i would say he's ok and you're probably right. good luck. fwiw, i'm the same way, i don't judge people unless they deserve it. since i'm a man i don't run across attractive female felons all that often, but i have had a guy work for me around my house that is an ex con. he was in one of the big motorcycle clubs in the 60s/70s. he got out of it when he met his wife and they had kids. people tell me i'm crazy for trusting him, but i trust him more than a lot of my family. i leave him in my house when i'm out of town to work on things, i've even left him with a credit card to buy stuff from the hardware store related to that, and never a problem. i don't consider him just a contractor or employee anymore, he's a good friend at this point. people can change. Edited October 9, 2011 by thatone
PelicanPete Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 If your daughter came home and told you she was dating someone with a criminal record who had spent four years in prison, would you then advise her to proceed with some caution? I would tell her to do some critical thinking and examine the facts of the situation rather then label it black or white. People are never just one or the other as much as we'd like them to be. Mistakes? The vast majority of people go through life without committing those "mistakes." And some peoples upbringing and environment push them down a path where a more radical wake up call is in order. Am I the only one having a hard time imagining a "really nice guy" being charged with assault and felony drug charges?? Maybe the OP's definition of "really nice" is different from mine though He committed the crimes several years ago. People can change. Sometimes the only thing that makes change so hard is other people not letting you. OP, I'm glad you're able to see a person for who they are rather then who they were. Good luck to you guys.
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