RockGuy87 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 My story changed dramatically. I found out that she had lied. Not about a dude or anything. But about what friends she had been hanging with and that she never stopped smoking weed. I told her to not smoke anymore and dont hang out with that drugged out trash she calls friends. She claims she has been for about the past 4-5 months. We were together for almost 9. She did so well at hiding it, i never even had any ideas she was. We were in a LDR. I saw her everyday this summer and during school came home every weekend. I cant believe how she could say it was love when you dont do that to someone you love. She seriously thought it was ok for her to do what she did. She gout caught last week and got put on suspension for 2 weeks at school because they searched her car. She broke up with me after and I always wondered and was hurt because it was something so small that she ended it. Now i know she was just doing it so maybe i never would find out and coudlnt have caused that disappointment. Its so sad that her life has been so hard. Her mom gave her up to her dad and never saw her for 13 years and then she got abused by her dads new wife so she went back to her mom. Her mom was never a mother and so she did what she wanted and never learned. Her mom had three other kids that are way older than this girl. Ones a meth head, another is a washed up trashy ghetto girl, and the other is in jail for a murder charge. AS you can see, not the best mom. She never had a chance and never knew what life or love was suppose to be like. She is so sweet at her core but she grew up with this family and friends and so thats what she goes back to and how she acts. I loved her before this crap and I loved the girl she acted to be. She has done nothing but cry and say how stupid she was. She started to text me when i went to sleep said " Im so sorry for literally everything. I hurt the one i love the most ever. I'll never forgive myself but i hope you can one day. You seriously are the most amazing guy and truly make my world go round and you deserve they very best *******. You do babe. I miss you. I need you so bad (pet name). You're my rock...but i dont deserve it nor will it happen. But i just wanted to tell you. ; ( im super sad. You cant imagine. My hearts broken and i cant go 5 minutes without crying. I've really lost the best thing that's been mine. But please dont text back. Please please please dont. But i do really really really love you. You are my first and always will be my 1st." After i never responded she said "Im going to bed. Dont text me after tonight. Please. Goodnight." Gah she says that after every time but then texts more. All of this was while i was asleep and was split up 3 different times. She would say a little. Wait an hour and say more. Going from 1:30 am to 4:00 am. I hate it took her so long to realize this and i hate that up until i found out a couple of days she ended us that she had been lying and confronted her did she actually cave. I love her and tried to pull her through that and she made me think I had. I havent texted back. I texted a short novel to her but didnt send. Im glad she is hurt but why do I still want to fix her and be with her? What would you guys do.....
Zabs Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Wow 25 people read this post before me and I am the first to reply... Well Rock, You sound like an extremely compassionate and supportive person who like myself lives by the saying "but for the grace of God go I" I think that is one of the most important quotes in history..but that's me. It's poo being lied to because it destroys trust but I am thinking that perhaps she didn't tell you because of the perception she has of you. From the way she text, it sounds a little like she has you on a pedastal? But on the other side of the coin, pople with lived as damaged as hers can end up being master manipulators. She is saying she doesn't want you to text but what she is REALLY saying is she doesn't want to deal with any judgements you may have about her or the situation. She is being upfront with you now and that's something. Obviously you still care about her but do you see what she has done as irreperable or not? For me, it would be reperable. Also, I think she should have some professional support because that is a hell of a lot to go through in a young life. Now all you need to do is decide your next move.... Much love, Zabs xx;)
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 You think its repairable? How would you know that she would change and not just get me back to try harder to lie. It was a shock and she even called it a freak occurrence that she got caught at school. Putting me on a pedestal? Whats that mean for me?
Zabs Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Like I said...she/you or together might benefit from some talking therapy of sorts. From how she sounds she needs to learn to be herself and that she will still be loved. Don't want to get too technical because I can but do you understand the principles of approval? Meaning that we do all sorts of things to gain others approval. The most important people around us do certain things and when we take their views on as our own thoughts and behaviours (introjects) we aare behaving in a way that those significant other EXPECT us to behave. It sounds to me that you ex's core self is unable to deal with things that go on or have gone on in her life without a crutch (Endo) but to avoid losing you, lied. She doesn't really want you not to text..it seems that she is in awe of you and the strengths you have and perhaps she wishes she could be similar. The element of disappointment for some people can be worse than wrath..you two need to talk to clarify what's going on. Zabs xx
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 I just hate she seriously made a even bigger lie to cover the past one. I know its because she couldnt stop but wanted to be with me also. So she got both. Hate she made up things or even picked on the little things to justify a break up. She still brings up little things that were wrong but its only when she feels backed into the corner.
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 (edited) Thanks for replying. Its just idk if she wants to change. After she got caught (but before i knew) she still did it. She took her suspension to keep on. She continued smoking and going to those people i think because she couldnt handle being alone. She wishes she could but she loves it too much and the feeling she gets from it. I would talk but she loses it when we do. Either bawling or gets defensive. She says things she doesnt mean. She called me names last night. She told me I didnt deserve better but she did and pretty much i wouldnt be happy. But then I said you didnt mean saying names and **** she said "I didnt mean the rudeness? No i didnt. I love you more than i love myself. But whatever bye." Edited October 9, 2011 by RockGuy87
Zabs Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Addicts don't become that way for nothing... I have done substantial work in the area and also have personal experience too and at the end of the day you just want the ******* drill to stop! Substances/alcohol whatever your fancy is numbs the emotional self. Have you ever given a thought as to why people on Heroin look the way they do? Because NOTHING else matters...and I DO mean NOTHING. It is like being in a ball of cotton wool and nothing can hurt you. Other people use other things to achieve the same feeling. I reckon your ex 'distances' herself from pain in that way.....ps all addicts lie...whether its whereabout, finances, how bad their dependency is...whatever...address the addiction and you are on the way through to mending the soul. Zabs xx
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 Thanks a lot for that. What do you suggest the 1st step to be? As you can imagine theres not any people that would respect me for going back after that. Dont know what steps to take. If you have some experience can you offer a little more advice. I agree FULLY she does it to escape. Theres no way its just for fun anymore. Thats why i think she has done it so much this week. To escape the issue for a little while and have an altered mind set.
Zabs Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Thanks a lot for that. What do you suggest the 1st step to be? As you can imagine theres not any people that would respect me for going back after that. That's what I mean. It's your life and you live by your own decisions. If you can say 'who will respect me after that' to a stranger, what do you think your ex's perspective will be on the respect issue? Perhaps she knows that it would fall out of favour with your peers and lied on that account too. Let her come to you. Don't rescue. You will only know if she is serious about sorting things out and having a healthy relationship when she makes a commitment to it. Addicts must change for their own self. Changing life choices for others never work..and only reinforce failure. As tough as it may be..you are going to have to sit it out....if that is indeed what you want. Zabs xx
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 so leave that last text she sent as it?
lalalandman Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 You could decipher her text as follows: "oh baby, I need so much attention and ego boost. I'm going to tell you how you're the perfect guy but that I don't want you. Wow, I don't make any ****ing sense do I? It's because, well, I'm kind of messing around with someone else who's giving me loads of attention. There's no way I'm going to tell you that right now though. Beg me enough, and then I'll start to let you in on it, maybe. But first, I have to know you're pinning for me. I need to know I can find you just where I left you, because you're a little tool. That's why I want you to beg. But when you don't text back, well, I get all confused because I'm an immature little control freak."
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 Dang. Thanks for that perspective. There might be some ego in there because she wants to try and make herself feel better. But there isnt a dude. Im pretty much sure.
lalalandman Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 dude, there's always another dude. It's a fact. You really can't tell?
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 Yea. Dont see that. Its too long to explain but thats not her. Everything shes done but yea not that. Haved that happen before though
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 Plus i dont agree that there is ALWAYS another dude. Not for everyone.
PelicanPete Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 The past is a set of excuses made for the future. I don't care if she was raised by wolves, you two aren't together right now for a reason. To top it off, shes using drugs. If you return to her, she will have no initiative to change. She broke your trust, so don't lift a finger for her. Let her do the heavy lifting and see how far she gets.
wilsonx Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Plus i dont agree that there is ALWAYS another dude. Not for everyone. Stop lying to yourself ... For emotionally or physically abused people, there's always someone else, they are codependant
wilsonx Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 It's not your job to be captain fix a hoe so stop worrying about it. You can't change people . Accept them for who they are or leave them
TheDovic Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Hey dude, I got your PM and thought I'd give you my take on this situation, but I'm going to do it in two ways, first as someone who's experiencing heartbreak, and secondly as a social worker because I work with a lot of great people like your ex who have been (irreperably) damaged by their parents! So just as a friend, you miss her because you love her... Simple as that!!! You're going to miss her for a while and this is made all the more difficult because she still loves you and needs you, but it's her own issues which have led to the breakup. I know this is difficult to take because I'm in the exact same boat dude. We desperately want our ex's to see that we'd happily support them and be there for them, but they're not listening. If your ex really does still love and miss you (which I believe from reading your posts, she does) then she has been extremely mature in recognising how she could potentially drag you down. This is very common with self destructing people like your ex. They tend to believe they have little chance of a happy life, and because they hold you in such high esteem they break up with you to give you a chance of a positive future without them. (Fair play to her) I pride myself on this website (and maybe foolishly) on giving advice to nice guys regarding how to get their ex's back, and always highly recommend David DeAngelo. However I don't think this is necessarily appropriate in your case because I do not think attraction is the issue here. I believe the above statement because I am a social worker and have previously worked with 16-21 year olds who are leaving the care system. I work with many self destructing young people like your ex and am pained to say that to change things for her would be extremely difficult. The young people I work with are given every chance to turn their lives around through practical support, emotional support (via therapy etc) and by helping them thrive in the community (finding friends and a job etc). The worrying pattern I've noticed however is that even with all of this support it is very rare for them to turn their lives around and they frequently fall into drugs and crime. This breaks my heart every single time I see it because at the core (as you said about your ex) EVERY one of these kids are great people with big hearts, but the emotional damage caused in their lives is overwhelming and through no fault of their own they cannot seem to find happiness. Now your ex may not be as damaged as some of my kids, but there appears to have been a lot of difficulties in her life. This is evident in her behaviour (and in the behaviour of her other family members), and without help (and maybe even with help) this poor girl is likely to live a very unhappy life. So it comes down to you making a choice here: (a) You could try and convince her you love her regardless of her issues, but in doing this I honestly believe you are in for an extremely bumpy ride where you are more than likely going to be hurt a lot. (b) You could accept that she loves you and because she loves you so much she has given you the chance to find happiness. This is tough, (very tough) but take comfort in that you made such an impact on her, which says to me you're a very special person. Whichever choice you make dude, keep posting on this forum as you're aware there's a lot of good people who will listen or give advice when you need it. If you choose option (b) then follow the advice offered by most people. Give yourself a break from her so you can heal, speak to friends and family, read break up coping books, maybe therapy or my new fad, self hypnosis cd's. I really wish I could give you some hope buddy, but I want to tell you the truth as I believe it to be. Your ex seems like a nice person who is a victim of her circumstances and if she ever decides she wants you back, I think it's essential you encourage her to seek help. If you want to ask anything about my post or offer more information feel free dude.
TheDovic Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 PS, I don't believe there's definitely someone else and I don't necessarily agree in this case she's looking for an ego boost! I've studied the effects of bad parenting and/or abuse on young people and honestly believe your ex is just a troubled young person.
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 If your ex really does still love and miss you (which I believe from reading your posts, she does) then she has been extremely mature in recognising how she could potentially drag you down. This is very common with self destructing people like your ex. They tend to believe they have little chance of a happy life, and because they hold you in such high esteem they break up with you to give you a chance of a positive future without them. (Fair play to her) Wow. I am speechless how its like you know her. She feels EXACTLY that. She feels not good enough for me and that she is almost redeeming herself if she lets me go. She has had an extremely rough past. But she has made progress from what she use to be right before we started dating. I came into her life right when she was kicked out of her last school for skipping and such. She is BIG on becoming someone to prove to everyone that she is someone. She has always said she was going to be the one kid out of her sibling who made themselves a life. She has good grades now, she goes to school everyday, she has taken the steps and made up her failed classes. She has taken a lot of steps. But she finds a comfort in weed and those friends. I think its because she feels she needs to be doing that because thats what everyone else she knows did during that age. Like if i was to say I needed to be having constant one night stands because im in college just because thats what college is made out to be about. She always told me she wanted to just do it a little now and that she wasnt going to when she was older. I just never understood if you dont have to later then why now. She is extremely good deep down and very compasionate, considerate, and a caring person. She even brought up the smoking thing to me a couple of different times through out the relationship to try and see if it was ok just to have some every now and then. I kept to what I said at first and that it was the weed or me. I know you should stick to your guns but was unresionalbe on my part and that there was a better way about winging her off of it rather then restricting her. Especially with her life and her never being punished or told no. She got away with everything. But there is absolutely not another guy. She cared about me way too much and was what everything she wanted for that to happen. She even made a remark about wanting to be a person like me. Lying took a lot out of her and hurt her a lot. Im amazed of how you described her. Its just Idk how to go about things if she ever comes back wanting to change or if she has even started to take the steps into changing. I realize I didnt consider her past and went the wrong way on a lot of things that didnt help us and that it wouldnt have really hurt to approach from a different angle and instead of making her choose, to vent and explain to me what she truly wanted before she knew how I felt. In a weird way I find comfort in that she cared about us and wanted it to work so badly she felt like she had to do that. That sounds wrong and the best way would be to discuss and not lie but given her past, i know it took a lot for her to do and hated it all the way. It wasnt something she would have bragged about. Thank you so much and I hope you can continue to provide some wisdom.
wilsonx Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Here's the thing... lets break off the ex story and focus on you rock. This is a reality check for you. It honestly doesnt matter if shes dating someone else now. We can say yes she is or we can say no we are not. It does not matter. Reality is the relationship is over. You are going to feel the need to try and fix her over and over and over again. What Dovic did not mention was that those texts were spread out because she was trying to get you to respond. She wanted your attention. Otherwise she would have just sent it all at once. This is called an extreme push/pull type relationship. Its reverse psychology. She says dont text me anymore, whats your first reaction? You already have a text written out but havent sent. I will blatantly post here that I completely disagree with second chances and getting back with your ex without both people reaching indifference and a lot of time apart and single to reflect on themselves. If people get back together before this has happened, the relationship is toxic at this point. The dumpee will always be walking on eggshells to do whatever it takes not to make the dumper leave again. The dumpee will never stand up for themself for fear of it happening again. Now focusing on you. One of the things I want to ask you is do you love yourself. Its not as gay as it sounds. I am going to answer the question for you, probably not as much as you should. If you honestly loved yourself, you would have ended the relationship since she continued smoking weed. In order to be in a relationship with someone like your ex, you have to have a caretaking personality. It means you have a difficult time enforcing personal boundaries. People with caretaking personalities, get walked all over. They are what I like to call the doormats. Want to know how I know? Because I am one, my brother is one, my dad is one, a lot of my friends are. I was in a relationship with a psychotic ex. I am pretty sure you have read the latest of how she stalked me online. What you have to learn to do is start putting yourself first and be a little selfish. Other peoples' problems are not your own problem. Let them go. You are not responsible for other peoples' emotional baggage. They are. You are also afraid of rejection. That's why you are very confused right now. I have learned, if someone doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, oh well, do what I need to do to get back on track and move forward and find someone else that does. This right here is a constructive decision. Its not going to happen over night and its going to take time. Worrying about your ex and her problems and if she comes back is a destructive decision. You are not solving the problem of your hurt and anger. Its just sitting there.
EgoJoe Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Here's the thing... lets break off the ex story and focus on you rock. This is a reality check for you. It honestly doesnt matter if shes dating someone else now. We can say yes she is or we can say no we are not. It does not matter. Reality is the relationship is over. You are going to feel the need to try and fix her over and over and over again. What Dovic did not mention was that those texts were spread out because she was trying to get you to respond. She wanted your attention. Otherwise she would have just sent it all at once. This is called an extreme push/pull type relationship. Its reverse psychology. She says dont text me anymore, whats your first reaction? You already have a text written out but havent sent. I will blatantly post here that I completely disagree with second chances and getting back with your ex without both people reaching indifference and a lot of time apart and single to reflect on themselves. If people get back together before this has happened, the relationship is toxic at this point. The dumpee will always be walking on eggshells to do whatever it takes not to make the dumper leave again. The dumpee will never stand up for themself for fear of it happening again. Now focusing on you. One of the things I want to ask you is do you love yourself. Its not as gay as it sounds. I am going to answer the question for you, probably not as much as you should. If you honestly loved yourself, you would have ended the relationship since she continued smoking weed. In order to be in a relationship with someone like your ex, you have to have a caretaking personality. It means you have a difficult time enforcing personal boundaries. People with caretaking personalities, get walked all over. They are what I like to call the doormats. Want to know how I know? Because I am one, my brother is one, my dad is one, a lot of my friends are. I was in a relationship with a psychotic ex. I am pretty sure you have read the latest of how she stalked me online. What you have to learn to do is start putting yourself first and be a little selfish. Other peoples' problems are not your own problem. Let them go. You are not responsible for other peoples' emotional baggage. They are. You are also afraid of rejection. That's why you are very confused right now. I have learned, if someone doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, oh well, do what I need to do to get back on track and move forward and find someone else that does. This right here is a constructive decision. Its not going to happen over night and its going to take time. Worrying about your ex and her problems and if she comes back is a destructive decision. You are not solving the problem of your hurt and anger. Its just sitting there. I don't always agree with Wilson's approach or methodology but I want to say that he is on the money with this and if you ignore this you are living in denial.
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 Thank you wilson. Thanks for how that was explained and it made a lot of sense. I maybe do not love as much as I should and I will admit that. But I have been through this before and am why I am even on this site and how I knew to come here. My ex of 3 years broke up with me going on 2 years ago. She hooked up with a guy the night we split and I heard it with my own years over the phone because her phone "pocket called me". Long story... But i get the caretaking thing. I tried to be there that night for that ex because her grand father died 5 days before on xmas eve and she said she wanted to sat home alone but obviously not. Anyways.... I learned the consequences of not healing and going NC or learning to love yourself. I begged, I cried and did everything to her to try and get her back. I learned how weak I made myself look and how I let myself down. I ended up losing close to 80 pounds to improve myself and that helped me gain power since it was something I always wanted to do and I did it alone. Im such a better person now because of all of it. This is why I havent begged her back, gave in, and why i knew to write out my feelings and a response to just not send it. I know I have the power. She messed up, she knows it, and I know she is beating herself up for her mistake. Shes young and stupid. No excuse but I remember when i learned my lesson of lying to that girl of 3 years and it was 2 years in. I was young and stupid. I smoked with her at the beginning of our relationship. But i knew I would never buy it, drive with it, or abuse it. It was only a weekend occasion event. It wasnt until it caused problems within my own family that i decided to quit because it wasnt worth the issues. She was much more invested into it and did it alllll day everyday. She was a innocent girl who did what the popular kids did to be accepted. I know better to respond to those messages. Havent and dont plan on it. I dont want to say im waiting for that moment she comes back because either way she does or doesnt. I have the power. I get to say yes or no. I know i could have handled a lot in a different way but i was the best thing to happen to her, i know that. Heard it from her and her family. Its only really one side thats trashy or does drugs. It would be a lie if i said my parents dont or hers didnt. But her dads side besides the problems that did occur are totally different now. Thats not an issue between them and I think the scars for her are there but they can be around one another and its like nothing happened. They are soooo worried about her, on her about doing whats right, and school. Its once she went to her mom and to that school that this started. She went from amazing school to a bad one. If you were good you were an outcast. Enough about her story. Thanks for letting me vent and the constructive advice
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