Broke up with a divorced man who was in a 14 year relationship, including marry for 3

[mimi88]

I just broke up with a divorced man a month ago.

 

We dated for 9 months, and had a great relationship. He was in a 14 year relationship, including married for 3 years, that ended badly last February, and legally divorced this April. He is French, and moved with his ex, who is a French American here in 2009. When they broke up, she refused to sign his temporary greencard to become a permanent greencard.

 

The last couple weeks before we broke up, because his immigration interview was approaching, and he had to go through his 14 year of photos to prove that his relationship and marriage was real to the immigration, he has been up and down a lot and said a lot of things scared me, such as he is not sure whether he was ready for a relationship, he doesn't know where he is gonna be tomorrow. I didn't reacted too well because what he said scared me. I even offered him to go date other people, but he said he was afraid he is gonna lose me.

 

Friday before his interview, I found out he turned on his online dating profile. I was very disappointed, because he could not be honest with me, I waited until Monday after his interview, which he passed, to sent him an email to tell him that I love him, but I'm very disappointed and I should leave to allow him date others. I was hoping he would address it. However, he emailed back and told me that he cried on the way home from Immigration and realized he is not ready to settle down in a relationship, he is hesitating between his new found freedom and the will to have a family and kids. He said that he is scared of love, whenever he feels for me, he runs away from it. He said he turned on the online profile because he thought I suggested take a break and date other people, (when he cried and said he was afraid of losing me), but he was never been unfaithful.

 

I was very sad realizing we actually breaking up. A day later he went crazy and sent me bunch of angry text and facebook messages after he saw me checked into a cafe and posted "coffee date" on facebook. The next day he tried to be nice and pretend nothing happen and sent me messages about this person that I introduced him to for a professional relationship. To explained the situation more clear, they moved here with 50k savings for his business, and spent all of them on life expense, and she left on valentine's day, and he broke up with her. And I have spent a lot of time helping him fixing his resume, introduce him to new people, trying to get a job,etc. I even offered to pay for his laptop and told him just to pay me when he can. I felt I have spent so much time and energy to help him and this is all I get after dedicated myself to him for 9 months.

 

And at the same time, I thought we had a great relationship, I'm 37 and he is 35, I want kids, I really thought we gonna have a family together, but it doesn't seem there is much I can do right now since he is the one who is not ready.

 

Please help.

[january2011]

He was either intentionally using you or he's confused about what he really wants. Either way, it sounds like a mess.

 

You've invested a lot in this relationship, possibly too much. I don't think any of what you posted indicated a relationship that was ready for marriage and children.

 

Nonetheless, I think this is all moot since you broke up a month ago.

 

Take the experience as a lesson learned on how to recognise people who are not worth your time and effort. Be aware of your tendency to invest too much into a relationship. Good luck with your healing.