popy Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I do feel for you. I am in a similiar situation where my best friend and I have ended up sleeping together and what makes matters worse is that I am also very close to his wife. What is dangerous here is that she can be a loose cannon because right now she has nothing more that she can lose. She is vulnerable and in a very trying mental state. We are different in that I don't expect him to leave his wife nor does he expect me to leave my husband- but we are tortured as we do long for each other every day. At the moment, you are her only sanity as she tries to piece together her life after being in an abusive relationship. I agree with the others that she should not stay with you in your home. Take a moment for yourself and reflect. That situation would make it very difficult for both of you to cope. Encourage her to seek help and try to piece her life back together, with minimal support from you. As a friend that will be hard, but the more she can do now on her own the better her future will be. Good luck.......
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 You are still trying to be her rescuer. Why not offer to pay for counseling for her H? He seems to need it just as much as she does, but of course he doesn't have sex with you and is not stroking your ego. Wouldn't their problems be over if he became an OK guy, so surely your funds would be better invested in him than her because he's the problem right? Does your wife know you have made this offer and why? I assume not, which means you are continuing to deceive your wife. Even if your wife knows and agrees that you can pay counseling but doesn't know why, you are adding to the betrayal of your wife, and digging your hole even deeper. I will tell my wife when the time is right. The only reason I feel that I shouldn't tell her tonight is because she is in the middle of a big merger at work, and needs to stay focused on that for a few more days or lose her job What? About the affair or the fact you intend on paying for your OW's therapy? Or both? Sorry, but Sid is right, you are trying to be her saviour, her rescuer. The thing is, you're treating her like she's your wife! SHE ISN'T! She isn't your responsibility to look after! You don't get it. She has a family, a sibling or parents, other friends, relatives, cousins..Aunts, uncles.. You shouldn't be offering to pay for her therapy. It is crossing lines. Anyway, it is time to come clean about everything and tell your wife. You're living a lie right now and it's only fair your wife gets a say in how her marriage truly is.
Author young90211 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 According to her, and what I truly believe, I am her only sanity right now. She has no family or support structure. She cannot just move out on her own, as her husband still controls all of the money and has not given her a penny. Yes, there are legal options to get her money back, but they all take some time. She is working on those options now. Yes, my sister knows what is actually going on, and while she definately doesn't approve of what happened months ago, she is supportive of her leaving the ex given the abuse she endured and will help in whatever way she can. I say that I have no romantic interest: meaning that I have no intentions on taking our friendship outside the boundaries ever again. I think many people reading this are assuming an ongoing affair, when th actuality is that we had sex on time - while intoxicated (I know it's not an excuse, but don't think it would have happened otherwise), before she ever considered separating from her husband. We are not currently romantically involved, but she has said things to make me believe that she wants to be. I have told her clearly now that it will not happen, and she knows that I will never leave my wife for her. Does no one think that a long and close friendship can successfully survive a one time sexual episode? BTW - I am taking everyone's advice and getting counseling (who does know the truth), and she is not staying here. I have attempted to help get him (OW's ex) into counseling, but he refuses to go, believing that he did nothing wrong and that there's nothing wring with him. We are no longer really friends. I couldn't support the way he treated her and he rejected me when I spoke to him about it.
Emme Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 *Emme puts away frying pan* The one thing I think you should do is not allow this to be the main focus in your life. I think you should step back away from her and focus on your relationship with your wife. I know she is a friend. I understand that but she's also a grown woman. Back off a little and hope someone else can be her rock. Focus on your marriage and find out why alcohol made you have sex with your friend.
alexandria35 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Okay, so you think there has to be sex in order for it to be an affair. Maybe you should read up on emotional affairs and appropriate and inappropriate friendships. You said in your first post that you have been in love with this woman for years. Are you in love with all of your friends? You probably thought you would never sleep with her to begin with, but then under certain conditions, you did. So you can't really say with certainity that it will never happen again. What if you and your wife hit a rough patch and go through a difficult time? How easy would it be for you to turn to the OW again? Also what are you getting out of your relationship with this woman? Most relationships are a two way street or they don't work. Sounds like your willing to do just about anything for her, but what does she do for you? Is it her neediness that makes her attractive? Perhaps your wife is stronger and doesn't need a knight in shining armor and it makes you feel good to be needed. The OW seems to look at you like a hero and saviour and perhaps thats the hook she has you on, because lets face it, most of us don't get that kind admiratation and adulation in our regular day to day lives. This OW is no friend to your wife. She is an enemy to your wife, although your wife doesn't know it. She wants what your wife has and she would gladly take it if the opportunity arose. It may be fine to have friends of both sexes, or to have our own personal friends that are not necessarily friends with our partners, but friends must be respectful of the marriage and not have a desire, secret or otherwise, to see that marriage fail. I don't believe that your OW is respectful of your marriage. Sure she agreeing to any terms you set right now because she feels like she has to in order to hold onto you, but if offered her a romp in the hay right now I don't think she woud refuse. But she would if she was a real friend to you, your wife and your marriage.
SidLyon Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 ... I say that I have no romantic interest: meaning that I have no intentions on taking our friendship outside the boundaries ever again. I think many people reading this are assuming an ongoing affair, when th actuality is that we had sex on time - while intoxicated (I know it's not an excuse, but don't think it would have happened otherwise), before she ever considered separating from her husband. We are not currently romantically involved, but she has said things to make me believe that she wants to be. I have told her clearly now that it will not happen, and she knows that I will never leave my wife for her. Does no one think that a long and close friendship can successfully survive a one time sexual episode? ... Have you heard of an emotional affair? Many peoples' definition of an affair is something going on behind your spouse's back. Behaviour that you wouldn't want her to know about or witness. A friendship kept secret from the wife. Would your wife feel betrayed not only by the sex several months ago but the continuing deceit and the intimate details shared between you and this OW? Your defensive attitude has all the hallmarks of an affair (either EA or PA) that you don't want to let go of and will rationalise in order to keep it. My belief is a friendship between 2 people can survive a one-time sexual episode as can a marriage. But the marriage has a much lower chance of surviving if you don't let go of the friendship.
seren Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I would ask myself if I would be happy if my spouse was doing the same, would I be happy with it. While the OW sounds like she could do with some support, I wonder if you have thought about what happens if/when she moves in with you and your wife, especially as you think she might have expectations of you wanting more than friendship. I also think it is doing her no favours to rely on you so much, TBH it is setting her up for a fall. Both you and your wife could help her to find support and help, but to be her only source of support with your history is just asking for trouble. You have said you have told her you aren't leaving your wife or interested in taking your friendship further, but that you are having those conversations with her says much about the friendship. I have helped loads of friends and not ever had to have that conversation. Again, how would you feel if your wife was having to have these conversations with male friends? Would it make you want to say that their relationship was inappropriate? Because if you do, then you need to look at what exactly you are doing by being such a major factor in your friend's life and also expecting your wife to support too without having all the facts. I am assuming she doesn't know you slept with the OW, that in itself is underhand and, IMO, disprespectful.
woinlove Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I say that I have no romantic interest: meaning that I have no intentions on taking our friendship outside the boundaries ever again. I think many people reading this are assuming an ongoing affair, when th actuality is that we had sex on time - while intoxicated (I know it's not an excuse, but don't think it would have happened otherwise), before she ever considered separating from her husband. We are not currently romantically involved, but she has said things to make me believe that she wants to be. I have told her clearly now that it will not happen, and she knows that I will never leave my wife for her. Does no one think that a long and close friendship can successfully survive a one time sexual episode? You are not friends and you are in an affair and you very well could end up leaving your W for her from the things you say, but you aren't ready to admit that to yourself right now. You and the OW have been in an affair since before you had sex, when you said you got very close to her and were in love with her. You've been in an affair ever since -- the two of you deceiving your W and colluding to make your W think the OW is a friend of yours and of hers and abusing her trust in the two of you to continue sharing what you and the OW share. That is deep into an A. Read what you posted: One of my good friends of several years became very abusive to his wife (whom I have been best friends with, and in love with for years - we had actually confessed our love to each other years ago but kept our relationship plutonic). Friends are not in love, they do not confess being in love, they do not have to "keep" their R platonic. She and I got very close when I was helping her to get out of the situation. We (I) made the mistake of sleeping with her (while she was still with him). Now, She is completely in love with me (obsessed), and I honestly love her too. We truely are best friends, and I don't want ot lose her as a best friend. I can handle being friends and keeping it plutonic, but I dont think she can, and I'm not sure I am strong enough to resist her (sexually) if she is persistant enough. She is not your friend, she is completely in love with you and you admit you are too. You can't lose her. You don't have to, but you do probably need to get divorced to keep her in your life in the special way you have been and want to continue with. You now make it sound so easy to stay away from her sexually, and yet look at what you wrote less than 48 hours ago. Why is that? She is also close friends with my wife. My wife trusts us both completely, and would never even think twice about us being alone together - So she offered to let the OW stay with us for awhile until she gets back on her feet. This woman is no friend of your wife. You are no friend of your wife. You likely still have feelings for your wife, but you are definitely not treating her like a friend. Your loyalty has been with the OW. When you are truthful with yourself, you may come to realize that you want to leave your W for the OW. I don't want to betray her trust (any further than I already have), so I told the OW that we need to stay apart. She broke down, and said that my wife and I are all she has (which is true as he didn't allow her to have friends and she can't afford a place of her own right now), and she will have no where to go without me. She said she will take whatever I can give her and continue to love me, knowing that I will never leave my wife. I am 100% convinced that if I tell her that we need to stay away from each other right now, she will go back to him (and get beat or possiby killed). This is very scary stuff. You are writing the OW has no one but you, nothing but you, if you try to stay away from her, she will go back to her H and maybe get killed. Only you spending time with her stands between her being with her H and possibly being killed? And yet you insist this is just a friend? I'm not wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I am miserable right now, knowing that I can have both of them (until that volcano explodes). Actually, everything you write says you want to have your cake and eat it to. You keep saying you don't want to lose OW and you label what you have as friendship to try to convince yourself you can have both a special friend and a wife. Being miserable, in itself, doesn't mean you don't want your cake and to eat it too. I love my wife, and she is by far the most important person in my life, but I love her too much to watch her go back to him (which she will do before going to a shelter or something else charitable). You love your wife, but.... The but says it all. The words "she is by far the most important person in my life" seem to be something you tell yourself but all your actions prove otherwise. You are not making your wife or your M a priority in your life and haven't been for some time. You will benefit from trying to be more honest with yourself. I'm surprised you say you are in counselling and yet you aren't even getting to the most obvious and basic truths about yourself. Perhaps you need to look for a new counsellor. I have attempted to help get him (OW's ex) into counseling, but he refuses to go, believing that he did nothing wrong and that there's nothing wring with him. We are no longer really friends. I couldn't support the way he treated her and he rejected me when I spoke to him about it. This is good. You stopped being his friend when you developed an intimate relationship with his wife and clinched it when you slept with her. You would be continuing to betray his friendship if you didn't end it. That is a positive. The OW has to do the same with your W and stop pretending to be her friend. Stop spending time at your home. And you need to stop playing your wife for a fool, betraying her anew every day by continuing your secret circle of intimacy with OW, discussing what the two of you will and will not do with each other, all while playing on the trust of your wife.
Recommended Posts