young90211 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I will try to make this as short as possible... 1st off: I am happily married. I love my wife, and though we have our problems I have no plans on losing her. One of my good friends of several years became very abusive to his wife (whom I have been best friends with, and in love with for years - we had actually confessed our love to each other years ago but kept our relationship plutonic). It got to the point where it was litereally dangerous for her to remain in the home. I tried helping him with his issues, but it did not good (spent months seriously trying to save his marriage). He just turned on me when I told him how he was treating her. Eventually, she decided that it was time for her to get out (before he really hurt her). She and I got very close when I was helping her to get out of the situation. We (I) made the mistake of sleeping with her (while she was still with him). Now, She is completely in love with me (obsessed), and I honestly love her too. We truely are best friends, and I don't want ot lose her as a best friend. I can handle being friends and keeping it plutonic, but I dont think she can, and I'm not sure I am strong enough to resist her (sexually) if she is persistant enough. She is also close friends with my wife. My wife trusts us both completely, and would never even think twice about us being alone together - So she offered to let the OW stay with us for awhile until she gets back on her feet. I don't want to betray her trust (any further than I already have), so I told the OW that we need to stay apart. She broke down, and said that my wife and I are all she has (which is true as he didn't allow her to have friends and she can't afford a place of her own right now), and she will have no where to go without me. She said she will take whatever I can give her and continue to love me, knowing that I will never leave my wife. I am 100% convinced that if I tell her that we need to stay away from each other right now, she will go back to him (and get beat or possiby killed). I dug my hole, and now I am stuck in it. I'm not wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I am miserable right now, knowing that I can have both of them (until that volcano explodes). I love my wife, and she is by far the most important person in my life, but I love her too much to watch her go back to him (which she will do before going to a shelter or something else charitable). And Suggestions? I know this is my fault. No point in telling me that. Just advise on what to do now.
woinlove Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I will try to make this as short as possible... 1st off: I am happily married. I love my wife, and though we have our problems I have no plans on losing her. One of my good friends of several years became very abusive to his wife (whom I have been best friends with, and in love with for years - we had actually confessed our love to each other years ago but kept our relationship plutonic). It got to the point where it was litereally dangerous for her to remain in the home. I tried helping him with his issues, but it did not good (spent months seriously trying to save his marriage). He just turned on me when I told him how he was treating her. Eventually, she decided that it was time for her to get out (before he really hurt her). She and I got very close when I was helping her to get out of the situation. We (I) made the mistake of sleeping with her (while she was still with him). Now, She is completely in love with me (obsessed), and I honestly love her too. We truely are best friends, and I don't want ot lose her as a best friend. I can handle being friends and keeping it plutonic, but I dont think she can, and I'm not sure I am strong enough to resist her (sexually) if she is persistant enough. She is also close friends with my wife. My wife trusts us both completely, and would never even think twice about us being alone together - So she offered to let the OW stay with us for awhile until she gets back on her feet. I don't want to betray her trust (any further than I already have), so I told the OW that we need to stay apart. She broke down, and said that my wife and I are all she has (which is true as he didn't allow her to have friends and she can't afford a place of her own right now), and she will have no where to go without me. She said she will take whatever I can give her and continue to love me, knowing that I will never leave my wife. I am 100% convinced that if I tell her that we need to stay away from each other right now, she will go back to him (and get beat or possiby killed). I dug my hole, and now I am stuck in it. I'm not wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I am miserable right now, knowing that I can have both of them (until that volcano explodes). I love my wife, and she is by far the most important person in my life, but I love her too much to watch her go back to him (which she will do before going to a shelter or something else charitable). And Suggestions? I know this is my fault. No point in telling me that. Just advise on what to do now. Tell your wife. She is living a lie, thinking you and her friend are not who you are. You may lose her, but you don't really have her now and she doesn't really have you now either. It's a facade and you'll only know what you really have when you stop the deception. Maybe your W and you can rebuild a new M, but I don't think an M based on deception can be fulfilling and successful. As to the OW, you can't control her and you stopped being the kind of friend an abused woman needs when you slept with her. Since she doesn't have any friends (she isn't really friends with your wife anymore) all you can do is encourage her to seek professional help but you can't make her. She really needs professional help, not a secret lover. You are probably doing more harm than good there so you really should get your own needs filled elsewhere.
eleanor01 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Tell your wife. She is living a lie, thinking you and her friend are not who you are. You may lose her, but you don't really have her now and she doesn't really have you now either. It's a facade and you'll only know what you really have when you stop the deception. Maybe your W and you can rebuild a new M, but I don't think an M based on deception can be fulfilling and successful. As to the OW, you can't control her and you stopped being the kind of friend an abused woman needs when you slept with her. Since she doesn't have any friends (she isn't really friends with your wife anymore) all you can do is encourage her to seek professional help but you can't make her. She really needs professional help, not a secret lover. You are probably doing more harm than good there so you really should get your own needs filled elsewhere. Hi, Young-- I am sad to hear that you are going through this. I agree with the poster above that you should encourage her to get professional help. I think that you should, too. An abused woman (or man) cannot think straight. It's just not possible. Her self-esteem has got to be shot, she's frightened, she's (very) alone. And you (and your wife) are in a horrible position. Getting counseling might help you sort things out for yourself. I disagree with woinlove that you should tell your wife. Just because you are having an affair does not mean that your marriage is based on deception. Your marriage is probably based on a lot of different things, and deception is something that has happened. Good luck to you. You are on very rocky ground right now and my heart goes out to all three of you. Best, Ellie
woinlove Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Hi, Young-- I am sad to hear that you are going through this. I agree with the poster above that you should encourage her to get professional help. I think that you should, too. An abused woman (or man) cannot think straight. It's just not possible. Her self-esteem has got to be shot, she's frightened, she's (very) alone. And you (and your wife) are in a horrible position. Getting counseling might help you sort things out for yourself. I disagree with woinlove that you should tell your wife. Just because you are having an affair does not mean that your marriage is based on deception. Your marriage is probably based on a lot of different things, and deception is something that has happened. Good luck to you. You are on very rocky ground right now and my heart goes out to all three of you. Best, Ellie Ellie, for most people honesty and openness in their own M is a very big deal. I wonder if you underplay it currently because you are not married and you are involved in an A. Or has honesty never been that important to you? If so, I think you are unusual. Just look at the posts on LS about discovering deception in an M. From LS, it seems a betrayal this significant (a double betrayal with a friend) is more of a significant earthquake than a minor tremor - so I think it is a major part of the M. Of course, if he told his W, he could find out and if after the truth came out, they both thought it wasn't that big a deal, then it isn't. He says he still loves his W and if he loves her, he should afford her the respect of the truth so that she can decide what it means. I also disagree that deception happens. It is a choice to deceive the spouse, rather than to be honest and open. Young needs to acknowledge that so that he knows he still has the option of choosing honesty if he wants.
eleanor01 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 (edited) Ellie, for most people honesty and openness in their own M is a very big deal. 1. I wonder if you underplay it currently because you are not married and you are involved in an A. Or has honesty never been that important to you? If so, I think you are unusual. Just look at the posts on LS about discovering deception in an M. From LS, it seems a betrayal this significant (a double betrayal with a friend) is more of a significant earthquake than a minor tremor - so I think it is a major part of the M. Of course, if he told his W, he could find out and if after the truth came out, they both thought it wasn't that big a deal, then it isn't. He says he still loves his W and if he loves her, he should afford her the respect of the truth so that she can decide what it means. 2. I also disagree that deception happens. It is a choice to deceive the spouse, rather than to be honest and open. Young needs to acknowledge that so that he knows he still has the option of choosing honesty if he wants. 1. Regarding the first bolded statement: That is uncalled for and out-of-line. 1. I am single, 2. in an affair, 3. therefore a liar (this is implicit in what you said), therefore 4. honesty is unimportant to me? Not a reasonable assertion. The first three statements are clearly true. I am single and I am in an affair and therefore I am lying. Affairs are, by nature, clandestine. That involves deception, even if, in our case, the lies are mostly of omission rather than comission. However, the fourth part of your statement is a logical fallacy called a "hasty generalization." It does not immediately follow that just because parts one, two, and three are true, that part four (the generalization) is true. Just because I'm in an affair does not therefore mean that I am fundamentally dishonest. 2. I agree that deception is a choice. My point was that, if Young loves his wife, then this marriage is based on something other than deception. Deception is not the foundation of this marriage. Deception is now a force that is one that is in play among many others. Again, Young: I really hope that this ends up working out okay for you. You're in a hole, and a whole world of hurt. Your situation is messy, messy. Best, Ellie Edited October 9, 2011 by eleanor01
woinlove Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 1. Regarding the first bolded statement: That is uncalled for and out-of-line. 1. I am single, 2. in an affair, 3. therefore a liar (this is implicit in what you said), therefore 4. honesty is unimportant to me? Not a reasonable assertion. The first three statements are clearly true. I am single and I am in an affair and therefore I am lying. Affairs are, by nature, clandestine. That involves deception, even if, in our case, the lies are mostly of omission rather than comission. However, the fourth part of your statement is a logical fallacy called a "hasty generalization." It does not immediately follow that just because parts one, two, and three are true, that part four (the generalization) is true. Just because I'm in an affair does not therefore mean that I am fundamentally dishonest. 2. I agree that deception is a choice. My point was that, if Young loves his wife, then this marriage is based on something other than deception. Deception is not the foundation of this marriage. Deception is now a force that is one that is in play among many others. Again, Young: I really hope that this ends up working out okay for you. You're in a hole, and a whole world of hurt. Your situation is messy, messy. Best, Ellie Sorry, I didn't mean to attack you. I was trying to understand why you would think this kind of betrayal hasn't fundamentally affected the foundation of his M, whether he tells or not. It is quite unusual for anyone to suggest that this level of deception can or should be kept secret in an M -- so I thought maybe your suggestion was connected to your own feelings within an A. In any case, that idea is foreign to me as I don't think young can have a successful M with this kind of deception being kept a secret from his W. My own opinion, based on many years of M and observations more generally. His words that he loves his W don't mean much at the moment. If his W knew the truth, I doubt she would feel loved. But I know the words mean something to young - he sees himself as a man who loves his W and so he might connect them to some action, such as displaying respect or honesty. Young, you have to decide what to do, but I think you are sitting on a minefield. From what you write it seems the OW is obsessed, actually wants to move in with you and your W, who she considers a friend, and will want to have sex with you and you with her. The chances of your W not finding out seem close to nil, despite all her misplaced trust.
eleanor01 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Actually in the case laid out by the OP deception of the biggest order IS the foundation of this marriage at this particular time. I would say that there is no greater betrayal than having an affair with your mutual friend and add in to the mix that she is going to be moving in with them and that this man took advantage of a abused woman. Geez, how could you say that deception is just a minor thing?[/QUOTE] Good grief. I did not say that it was a minor thing. I said that it is one factor among many. And your statement is what is known as a "straw man argument." That is, you are misrepresenting what I said and then condemning it as though it were my original statement. Okay, how about this: woinlove, LadyGrey and I have threadjacked this away from the original poster, who is clearly hurting. How about if we don't attack him? How about if we don't condemn him? How about if we try to acknowledge his pain and offer what solace we can? If, woinlove and LadyGrey, you would like to continue a discussion regarding my attitudes, beliefs, statements, and/or character, please be so kind as to start another thread. I am leaving for the afternoon, but will be back later and will check the board. Now, let's get back to the OP. Best, Ellie
woinlove Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Also, young, where is OW now? You say she decided to leave her H but won't take any charity. Where is she or what was her plan before your W offered your home? Or did her decision to leave only come after that offer?
woinlove Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 How about if we don't attack him? How about if we don't condemn him? How about if we try to acknowledge his pain and offer what solace we can? I think we are all trying to help the OP. He needs a whole lot more than solace as he is sitting on an explosive situation and he knows it. The question is how best to proceed, given the situation and circumstances. The OW clearly has a lot of problems and her H has even bigger problems. By his own admission, young, has made a mess. Sounds like his W might be the only person in a position to display good judgement, but she is being kept completely in the dark. To continue to do so, leaves these 3 people to muddle through a situation they have already been handling very poorly (and that is an understatement) and his W is very likely to find out under even less favorable circumstances than her H telling her. Unfortunately for everyone, when his W finds out, she will be devastated. However, given what young describes, she could still be a relative asset for the 4 people involved. I don't know that, but I do know the other 3 need someone's help. My advice, tell the W and get professionals involved, as much as possible, as soon as possible.
woinlove Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 As I said in my other post, the ops actions imo were predatory as the ow is an abused vulnerable woman so I have no sympathy in this case. Agree. Having sex with a "friend" when one is worried about her H hurting her is difficult to fathom. Which is why professionals need to be involved, ideally for all parties. A dangerous situation.
Emme Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 This is trouble with a capital T! Honey she can't move in with you. Put a stop to that right now. Tell your wife that you don't want this type of abuse at your doorstep if it gets to that level. If you are strong enough to tell her the truth, please do. If not lie for now but DO NOT let her in your home. Number one this woman is vulnerable she is not in her right state of mind. She needs support and it's not from you guys. Where is her family in all this? Why can't you find her shelter at lets say your mothers or sisters or aunts house? How about a place this guy won't look to find her that makes sense. Domestic violence is something that many underestimate and you’re talking about him killing her. Get real man… you don’t’ want that at your door step. Do not put your family in danger for this woman. Even if you claim to love her put her in a place that is safe away from the people she knows. He won’t look for her there. Your wife is too nice. The first rule of any relationship is don't let no MAN or WOMAN in your house. That's the first rule. You need to step away from her also because she psychologically messed up. I would hate for her to turn around and physically harm your wife because you are now her savior. Don't think it can't happen. Women become obsessive over people and it seems her attachment level has skyrocketed to you. BACK OFF! Call a relative and ask if they can assist. She cannot stay in your home.
Emme Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Emme brought up some stuff I hadn't thought about, concerning you opened yourself and your family up to bringing this violence to you own very own house and on your innocent wife. After Emme brought this up, the responsibility to tell your wife is even more acute as she could or you could be a victim of this mans violence. If he is abusive, just imagine where some of his anger is going to be directed at if he finds out that you had an affair with his wife, while you were pretending to counsel them. Holy ****e man, you have brought one more mess and dangerous situation upon yourself and your family. If for no other reason you need to tell your wife so she can protect herself because someone who has domestic violence in them can really go off the deep end and this sounds like one of those situations where someone could be hurt or killed. Seriously, you need to tell your wife, what you have done. You are sitting on a hundred kegs of dynamite, you need to reduce the amt any way that you can and you need to protect your wife. Keeping her in the dark is not protecting her. Domestic violence is no joke! It is never safe for anyone who gets involved. I had a friend that helped her sister out and took her kids only. She was smart enough to tell her sister you can’t stay in my home. He will come here looking you. Sure enough Ding-Dong. She had to keep those kids safe not one word. Good thing she had sons too to help. 90211, See how quickly your big d*ck shrivels up when that man walks up in your house ready to kill everyone just to get to her. You think if she returns to him he’ll kill her. What does that say??? He’s crazy. You stay away from crazy people because they are not in their right frame of mind. Plus if he finds out you’re f*cking his woman… smh. I swear if I was your friend I would hit you in the head with a frying pan. Something is loose honey. You better get your d*ck out that apple pie and focus. Don’t play Russian roulette with not only your life but with your wife also. Get it together!
fooled once Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 You don't love your wife. If you did, you would not have opened up an incredibly voliatile situation that could cause her physical pain. Tell your wife what you are doing - screwing a friend and when the husband finds out, he will come after your home. OMG, I am just blown away by what you have done to your wife and the horrific situation you have put HER in. Go run off with the OW - it is obvious you are more concerned about her than your wife. How can you even look your wife in the face - knowing you are screwing a friend of hers? And I take it you have welcomed your mistress into your home to sleep and you tip toe to her bed at night for a quick one? What did your wife ever do to you to deserve such crappy disrespect and treatment by you? Your wife deserves a real man, not a man who is playing around with her life! What about when the OW goes after your wife to eliminate her competition? Have you thought of that???????
alexandria35 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 You don't love your wife. If you did, you would not have opened up an incredibly voliatile situation that could cause her physical pain. Tell your wife what you are doing - screwing a friend and when the husband finds out, he will come after your home. OMG, I am just blown away by what you have done to your wife and the horrific situation you have put HER in. Go run off with the OW - it is obvious you are more concerned about her than your wife. How can you even look your wife in the face - knowing you are screwing a friend of hers? And I take it you have welcomed your mistress into your home to sleep and you tip toe to her bed at night for a quick one? What did your wife ever do to you to deserve such crappy disrespect and treatment by you? Your wife deserves a real man, not a man who is playing around with her life! What about when the OW goes after your wife to eliminate her competition? Have you thought of that??????? Agreed. I also don't think you love your wife. You and your OW have zero respect for her and the both of you are making her a bloody fool. Taking advantage of her trusting and caring nature. I'm not sure you really care for the OW either. Seems kind of predatory that you used her time of psychological distress to jump her bones. That women needs some serious mental help, not an affair. But since you two are happily carrying on I think it would be best for you and your OW to just run away together and let your wife have the opportunity to meet a man that really loves and respects her. At least give her the choice by telling her the truth. All this lying and deceit robs her of her options and nobody has the right to do that to another human being.
Author young90211 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 1st off... Let me clear something up. The OW and I are not currently having any sexual contact, nor have we since she left her husband (it's been about 5 months since anything happened). I listened to some of your advice, and she is not moving in. She is staying with my sister temporarily, but comes over often to be where she fells comfortable and has someone to talk to.
woinlove Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 1st off... Let me clear something up. The OW and I are not currently having any sexual contact, nor have we since she left her husband (it's been about 5 months since anything happened). I listened to some of your advice, and she is not moving in. She is staying with my sister temporarily, but comes over often to be where she fells comfortable and has someone to talk to. How can she possibly feel comfortable at your home, with your W after having sex with you, being obsessed and wanting to have whatever you are willing to give her, knowing your W thinks of her of a friend and has no idea how she is being deceived? Do you think this woman is mentally stable? Does she have professional help?
Gentlegirl Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 1st off... Let me clear something up. The OW and I are not currently having any sexual contact, nor have we since she left her husband (it's been about 5 months since anything happened). I listened to some of your advice, and she is not moving in. She is staying with my sister temporarily, but comes over often to be where she fells comfortable and has someone to talk to. When you ceased having sex is irrelevant. How the hell can you have this woman in your home, talking to your wife? You and she are making a mockery of your wife. Your wife sound very charitable and giving... how do you think she would feel if she were to find out????????? Let me say to you that she is NOT... NOT your responsibility or you sister's. does your sister know you ahd sex with her? Why exactly are you keeping this woman in your family circle? Your wife is the one you should be worried about and taking care of. You have betrayed her trust SO BIG TIME to bring the OW into your home. I hate to think what will happen to you. YOu have really messed up. No advice from me because I wouldn't know what to do myself. Just hope you escape with your crown jewels... GG
eleanor01 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I tend to agree with the other posters here that you have, indeed, dug yourself a hole. It's a gnarly, horrible hole and I think it's going to be hard for you to find a way out, but I think that it can be done. Here's my advice (and others will agree or disagree): 1. Start individual counseling as soon as you possibly can. From what you've posted, it sounds like you've already started to be honest with yourself, and a good counselor can help you think things through. For example, s/he can help you decide on the best course of action regarding your wife. 2. It sounds like your OW is a disaster in the making. I believe that she needs heavy duty counseling, too. If 90211 is your zip code, then you can probably afford to pay for her counseling if she's afraid to go through her own health insurance right now, or if her husband is keeping a tight rein on the finances. 3. I agree that you should curtail the visits your OW makes to your home. First, as other posters have noted, her husband could become violent. Second, she is already unstable and people in her situation can do things that they wouldn't have imagined that they could do (somebody described "bunny boiling"). I do see that doing this is going to have ramifications no matter how it turns out. Best case, your wife is bewildered and hurt that her friend has virtually disappeared. Worst case, violence--either her husband hurts her (and maybe you, too), her husband hurts you, she hurts herself, she hurts you or your wife. This could happen in any combination. I think that you sound like you're a basically good guy who made some terrible decisions. To me, you sound less like a predator than like somebody who tried to help, but did it in all the wrong ways. Good luck, Young. Ellie
woinlove Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I strongly endorse counselling for you, and encouraging it for OW, as well as for your W since your W will need lots of support too and your M is definitely in trouble. If you have been honest and open in the past, then probably whatever R you might have had with your W in the past is gone. But you may be too taken up with the drama and feelings to notice this. The drama with OW's situation could also be masking the change from your W. The bottom line is you have not been, and are not being, a good husband or good friend, you are not treating others well, and you will need to change significantly if you would like to be a good partner and friend in the future. Counselling can help you. I really don't understand what it is between you and OW. You say you don't want to divorce your W for her, that your W is more important to you, that you want to be friends with OW and would be happy being platonic, but you had sex and say you don't think you could resist sex again if the OW made advances. Do you have trouble controlling your sexual urges in general or is your description of things a bit off? If you don't know, counselling can help sort this out.
Quiet Storm Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 You have dug your own hole, and it's going to keep getting deeper until you man-up and take some responsibility for your choices. When you do things like cheat on your own wife and have sex with your friend's wife, you can't expect to have no consequences. What kinds of things are you telling OW to keep her in love and obsessed with you? The only way to break her bond to you is to cut her out of your life. Any sign of concern from you, any worry for her safety...she will take that as a sign that you love her. She'll never give up if you keep helping her. You need to be 100% clear with OW "I do not want any contact with you under any circumstances". Ignore her calls, emails, texts. Do not engage PERIOD. Do not allow her to use sex as a weapon. Don't give her the impression that she can call you when she has a flat tire, when her toilet's backed up or when crazy ex is beating on her door. She wants to be rescued, but you need to drill it into her head that YOU WILL NOT BE HER RESCUER. Just like you will have consequences for your actions, OW will have consequences for her actions. Cheating on an abusive husband with his best friend isn't a very smart thing to do. She has put her safety on the line by making that decision, but it is not your problem. It's hers. If she decides to go back to an abuser, that is on HER. She can call the police, she can get a restraining order, she can go to a shelter, she can be homeless or she can move in with an abuser. Those are HER choices to make, and you need to distance yourself from her and her problems. She is not your responsibility. If she thinks you love her, it may take awhile for her to let go. But any bit of positive feedback from you will set her back to square one and get her hopes up. The best thing that you can do FOR HER is to cut contact 100%. It's the only way she'll get over you. But do realize, that OW is a loose cannon. Accept that she may tell your wife. Accept that her husband may find out. Accept that she may do things to try to make you jealous, that she may cause drama, that she may be sobbing on your lawn at 3AM. These are your consequences. Stop trying to control everything, because you can't. As for your wife, you do realize that when you love someone, you should be honest with them. Even if it's going to hurt. Keeping the secret, while it feels like you are protecting her from the pain, is really only protecting yourself from the consequences. You don't want to deal with it. I get that, but stop being a coward. Your wife deserves to know the truth about her life and marriage. She should know that her husband is capable of this. You don't have to keep being a selfish *******...you can stop. The honorable and dignified thing to do is to tell your wife the entire truth. Give her the respect to make decisions about her life based on reality. Understand that you can't control the outcome. You can only control yourself. You don't have to be a cheater and a liar anymore. You don't have to be responsible for OWs well being. You made a mess, and you can clean it up. You may lose your wife and your marriage in the process, or you may build a stronger marriage. Being authentic is your way out of this mess, not more lies.
Author young90211 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 Keep in mind that she is not really just the OW, she has been my best friend for years. We talked today about defining our relationship, and she agrees that sleeping together was a big mistake, and will not happen ever again. She understands that I have no romantic interest (or at least says that she understands) and promises to respect that. I think that stepping back from the situation for a few days has cleared my head a bit, and I can and will resist any advances in the future if they occur. However; Being best friends for so long, I don't see how I can just turn my back on her and tell her that she is on her own. I am getting counseling now from a mentor and a counselor at my church. I have offered to pay for counseling for her, and she is considering it. I will tell my wife when the time is right. The only reason I feel that I shouldn't tell her tonight is because she is in the middle of a big merger at work, and needs to stay focused on that for a few more days or lose her job. I'll let y'all know how that goes...
SidLyon Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Keep in mind that she is not really just the OW, she has been my best friend for years. We talked today about defining our relationship, and she agrees that sleeping together was a big mistake, and will not happen ever again. She understands that I have no romantic interest (or at least says that she understands) and promises to respect that. I think that stepping back from the situation for a few days has cleared my head a bit, and I can and will resist any advances in the future if they occur. However; Being best friends for so long, I don't see how I can just turn my back on her and tell her that she is on her own. I am getting counseling now from a mentor and a counselor at my church. I have offered to pay for counseling for her, and she is considering it. I will tell my wife when the time is right. The only reason I feel that I shouldn't tell her tonight is because she is in the middle of a big merger at work, and needs to stay focused on that for a few more days or lose her job. I'll let y'all know how that goes... You are still trying to be her rescuer. Why not offer to pay for counseling for her H? He seems to need it just as much as she does, but of course he doesn't have sex with you and is not stroking your ego. Wouldn't their problems be over if he became an OK guy, so surely your funds would be better invested in him than her because he's the problem right? Does your wife know you have made this offer and why? I assume not, which means you are continuing to deceive your wife. Even if your wife knows and agrees that you can pay counseling but doesn't know why, you are adding to the betrayal of your wife, and digging your hole even deeper.
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I can't add much more than what others have said already but I will say, she needs to rely on women friends, (not your wife, you or your sister) and her own family. Anyway, therapy could help her most right now. Encourage her to do so she doesn't lean on you as much. Man, start putting your wife first. The only woman who should be your "best friend" is your wife. Or a guy.
woinlove Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Keep in mind that she is not really just the OW, she has been my best friend for years. We talked today about defining our relationship, and she agrees that sleeping together was a big mistake, and will not happen ever again. She understands that I have no romantic interest (or at least says that she understands) and promises to respect that. I think that stepping back from the situation for a few days has cleared my head a bit, and I can and will resist any advances in the future if they occur. However; Being best friends for so long, I don't see how I can just turn my back on her and tell her that she is on her own. I am getting counseling now from a mentor and a counselor at my church. I have offered to pay for counseling for her, and she is considering it. I will tell my wife when the time is right. The only reason I feel that I shouldn't tell her tonight is because she is in the middle of a big merger at work, and needs to stay focused on that for a few more days or lose her job. I'll let y'all know how that goes... Things have really changed from your first post when you described the OW as obsessed with you and willing to take whatever you would offer and you not being sure you could resist her. The most important thing is for you to be honest with yourself. I have difficulty believing things are as controlled as you now say, given that you revealed a much less controlled situation just yesterday. You also said yesterday that you have been in love with OW for years but now say you have no romantic interest. You are all over the map. I don't think you are in control of yourself and the sooner you can tell your W and get both of you in counselling the better, because these private talks with the OW about your future are continuing to kill your M whether you realize it or not. Maybe you don't want to be married and this isn't a problem then. But, I'm not sure you are in any position to know what you want. I also suspect your W would have a much more realistic view of what it would take to keep you from having sex with the OW in the future than you do. You stopped being best friends when you slept with her while still married and keeping what you shared with the OW secret from your W. Glad to hear that you are in counselling. I don't think your view of your M and your relationship with OW is realistic and counselling and telling your W may help you sort this out. I hope your W soon has counselling and support too. Good luck to her on the merger -- although her M and her R with you might be even more important to her.
fooled once Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Keep in mind that she is not really just the OW, she has been my best friend for years. We talked today about defining our relationship, and she agrees that sleeping together was a big mistake, and will not happen ever again. She understands that I have no romantic interest (or at least says that she understands) and promises to respect that. I think that stepping back from the situation for a few days has cleared my head a bit, and I can and will resist any advances in the future if they occur. However; Being best friends for so long, I don't see how I can just turn my back on her and tell her that she is on her own. I am getting counseling now from a mentor and a counselor at my church. I have offered to pay for counseling for her, and she is considering it. I will tell my wife when the time is right. The only reason I feel that I shouldn't tell her tonight is because she is in the middle of a big merger at work, and needs to stay focused on that for a few more days or lose her job. I'll let y'all know how that goes... Does your "mentor" and "counselor" at church know you have been sexually involved with this woman that you keep bringing into your home? I can't imagine they would be all excited about your behavior and actions. Tell the OW to get her own counselor and pay for it herself. When is she going to be a grown up? Is she going to boo hoo to you for years and live off you? Does your wife know you have offered to pay for counseling for this woman? And FYI - YOUR SPOUSE should be your 'best' friend and if you can't figure that out, you shouldn't be married. I feel so bad for your wife. I hope she kicks you out and punches your "best friend" in the face. The mockery you and this OW have made of her kindness is disturbing.
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