Sugarkane Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Obviously not on a first date, but when? People said I should've known about my ex before, but we weren't friends before dating. And I asked his friends about his previous relationships but they just looked and at and said nothing. After a breakup people often tell lies and make out they're innocent, to relieve their guilt. They often call you crazy, when you're not all. Eg when my ex dumped me by text, out of the blue after a year of dating. So how do you find put the truth ?
Cypress25 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 In my opinion, you should never have to ask about previous relationships. For one thing, it's none of your business. For another thing, it shouldn't affect you because it's in the past. If you date a person long enough, the topic of previous relationships will probably come up at some point during the natural flow of conversation. Even if you don't ask about it. If your partner wants to tell you, he'll volunteer that information on his own. If he doesn't want to tell you, then there's no point asking about it. Obviously, if you've reached the point where you're considering having sex with this person, you have the right to ask if they've been exposed to or tested for STD's. That information does concern you. Other than that, you have no reason to probe for details about their past relationships.
january2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I like to ask whenever it seems like an opportune moment to do so. I try not to interrogate but I'm a naturally curious person anyway and some people can be intimidated by that. If someone seems guarded and not very forthcoming, I'd take that as a sign that we are incompatible. When I get to know someone, I like to ask about their background, and relationships are part of that. I think it's important to find out what people have learned and how they got to where they are today. I think it's particularly important to find out if there are any ties that might impact upon your future together, e.g., exes still in the picture, etc. Given that my dating pool consists mainly of men who are divorced, possibly separated and have just come out of long-term relationships, I think that it's prudent to find out where they are emotionally and if there are still bonds that indicate that they're not ready to date.
camper15935 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I kind of like to know to about there past. I dated this one lady for a year and half. She always made a point to say how she was only married one time. Found out it was two times. I don't really care except she went out of her way to hide it. Also overtime found out she was engaged 3 times after last divorce. To me those were major red flags. I could tell you some crazy stories about her. Talk about someone who made me doubt myself and if I was damaged.
louise_23 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 In my opinion, you should never have to ask about previous relationships. For one thing, it's none of your business. For another thing, it shouldn't affect you because it's in the past. If you date a person long enough, the topic of previous relationships will probably come up at some point during the natural flow of conversation. Even if you don't ask about it. If your partner wants to tell you, he'll volunteer that information on his own. If he doesn't want to tell you, then there's no point asking about it. Obviously, if you've reached the point where you're considering having sex with this person, you have the right to ask if they've been exposed to or tested for STD's. That information does concern you. Other than that, you have no reason to probe for details about their past relationships. ^ im with them
EasyHeart Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 IME, it usually comes up on the first date. One of us asks a variation of the "So why are you still single?" question and it takes off from there.
zengirl Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I think it comes up sooner, the older and more serious you get about dating, so it all depends. Anyway, to me it's not approached like some big interrogation or serious discussion; it's just part of the natural, get-to-know-you process. Since my current BF works with my last exBF (though not directly interacting---but same company and same floor of offices), I felt I had to disclose that on our first date once I realized it. That led to a brief discussion of that relationship, and he mentioned his last one, but we didn't get in depth. Over time, we've said more and more, and usually been able to discuss why things went wrong and how we want to build a different/better relationship with each other, which is really the point of learning about exes to me: How can we do better? Anyway, I think making a big thing about it --- either by making it an inquisition and looking for red flags or being really secretive and saying it's nobody's business since it's past --- is a problem, personally. It's just more context for who that person is that will come out, organically, if you're really getting to know each other.
OliveOyl Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I think it comes up sooner, the older and more serious you get about dating, so it all depends. Anyway, to me it's not approached like some big interrogation or serious discussion; it's just part of the natural, get-to-know-you process. Since my current BF works with my last exBF (though not directly interacting---but same company and same floor of offices), I felt I had to disclose that on our first date once I realized it. That led to a brief discussion of that relationship, and he mentioned his last one, but we didn't get in depth. I agree with this and obviously if you or your date have been married and have kids, you will naturally want to know what happened with the previous marriage(s). That's pretty important information, I think, but it will come up naturally in the conversation; it doesn't need to be handled like an interview question. Regardless, I disagree with the "none of your business/shouldn't affect you approach," mainly because former long-term relationships are pretty big deals, IMHO, and have shaped one's expectations and possible current fears and concerns (what most call "baggage"). But this is like everything else in the discovery/self-disclosure phase; hopefully the information will emerge organically.
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I agree with this and obviously if you or your date have been married and have kids, you will naturally want to know what happened with the previous marriage(s). That's pretty important information, I think, but it will come up naturally in the conversation; it doesn't need to be handled like an interview question. Regardless, I disagree with the "none of your business/shouldn't affect you approach," mainly because former long-term relationships are pretty big deals, IMHO, and have shaped one's expectations and possible current fears and concerns (what most call "baggage"). But this is like everything else in the discovery/self-disclosure phase; hopefully the information will emerge organically. I guess that's the good part of having no relationship history: no baggage.
Cypress25 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I guess that's the good part of having no relationship history: no baggage. Not everyone has baggage after a relationship ends. You only have baggage if something went horribly wrong or if there are kids involved. Otherwise, you should be just fine.
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