Fiance of 4.5 years broke up via TEXT message and won't respond at all.

October 9, 2011

I will try not to make this too long and boring. I am in so much pain. Please, please take the time to read, if you can. I feel so desperate and alone.

I have been with my fiance for 4.5 years. He is 47, has never been married, had kids, or had a relationship longer than 5 months, and that was back in 1989. He has never experienced much stress in his life until recently.He has never really dated around; had always just been a bachelor until he met me. I am 37, have been married and divorced twice, have three kids (two at home - ages 17 and 13). When we met, he had a job and owned his own house and vehicle. I did, as well. My grandmother also lives with me (she is 72).

15 months ago, he was forced to quit the job he had because the boss wanted to switch around his schedule and he would've taken a pay cut that would not have even paid his bills. I made really good money, and I loved him, so I told him he could move in with me because the air conditioner in his house went out and he couldn't afford the $2500 to have a new one put in. This was in May of 2010, in Texas heat, so he really couldn't stay at his house. I told him I would help take care of his bills and I honestly didn't mind. We were already planning to marry anyways, we just weren't in a huge hurry to set a date. We were taking our time. At first my kids were fine with it.

Fast forward to March of 2011. The economy starts going downhill, and I began to make less and less money at my job, so I started falling behind on paying both of our bills. I was payin his mortgage as well as mine, among other things. Things got to the point where I was having to work 6 and 7 nights a week to make enough money to try to keep us afloat. I told him I would do his resume for him and try to help him find work. He said he wanted to, but he was only willing to find something that "he really enjoyed", rather than take whatever he could find to help out.

As the months since March passed, I became more and more behind. It got to a point in July where he was about to have his house foreclosed on, unless we came up with the past due mortgage payments. Mine were behind as well, and i kept sinking and sinking, exhausting myself in the process. My kids began to treat him coldly, because they started resenting the fact that #1) I was the only one working and #2) I wasn't home very much as a result. He felt their resentment and it made things strained between them. He felt like an outsider in my home. Finally, I told him he would probably need to file chapter 13 bankruptcy in order to prevent losing his home. He reluctantly agreed. The bankruptcy court told him that in order to get it discharged, he would HAVE to find a job by September 29th (last week) or he would lose his home and vehicle. In the meantime, I also had to start proceedings to file chapter 13, as well, becuase by paying his bills also, I couldn't pay my own, either.

The first week of September, he began to cry horribly and told me that he didn't want to lose me, but something was telling him that he needed to move back to his house and "get his life together and get things in order", that he needed to "get a job and be a man, feel like he is contributing, and not be a bump on a log". Those were his exact words. I do have trust issues from being cheated on in previous relationships, and my ex-husband up and left, abandoning my children and I with no warning for two years, so I know that is what that stems from. I told him I didn't know if I could handle him living back at his house and me living in mine. I asked him why he couldn't try to find a job while living with me; why he had to do it while living at his house. He said he just had to force himself to get out and do it, and that was the only way he thought he could do it. After a long conversation, he told me he didn't want to take a risk of losing me, and he said he wanted to stay. Two nights later, while I was at work, without even telling my grandma or my kids, he took the stuff that he had here at my house and left. He didn't even tell me he was going ahead and leaving. I came home from work and had no idea he had even left. He wouldn't answer my calls until the next day, saying "it was the only way to leave". Now that makes the second guy who "abandoned" us with no notice, and my 13 year old has had a hard time with it, too. This was on September 11th.

So I would text him and call him, but he would not answer my calls; he would only text me when HE wanted to, and it was always very short. When I asked him if he wanted to break up, he would say no, that he just needed time to do this on his own. I admit I had a difficult time giving him "space", because of the way he left. I felt very insecure. At one point, I contacted his grandma and sister (whom I was very close to) to make sure he was ok, as he wasn't answering me or contacting me for three or four days at a time.

Three weeks went by, then last Saturday, he texted me out of nowhere and said that he didn't appreciate me contacting his family, that I was "dragging them into our business", and that after further thought, he didn't think we had a future and that I should "go my way and he should try to go his". I apologized for contacting his family (even though he confided in my grandmother who lived here!!) but he refused to say anything else to me. This was all via text! He said there was "nothing else to say". I did NOT try to change his mind, I told him I understood and respected his decision, but that I thought he should at least call me and let me have a chance to say what I wanted to say to get my own closure, but he refused to answer any more of my calls, texts or e-mails.

Needless to say, this has been the most horrible month ever, and the last week has left me so confused and bewildered. My 13 year old is upset as well, and he has to watch me go through this emotional roller coaster.

Let me also say that I know it isn't "another woman", as he was always home with my grandmother and kids when I was at work, and we were always together when I was off. He loved doing everything with me.

I realize I was clingy after he left and found it hard to give him space, but I don't understand why if he still wanted to stay together up unti last weekend, why wouldn't he see me or want to answer my texts/calls in the process? Then after he broke up via text (which I think was extremely cowardly), he refuses to acknowledge me at all. It is as though I was wiped off the face of the planet. I am sitting here with no understanding of what he is thinking, feeling, or what I could've changed or done differently. I know I wasn't perfect and in retrospect, I see a lot of things that I wished I would have done differently that hurt his feelings, but this is the cruelest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I sob nonstop. My doctor has put me on Xanax, even that isn't helping. When I eat, I get sick and vomit or get nauseous, and have lost 16 pounds (I am 5'7" and now weigh 112! NOT good.) I am so lost, and so truly in love with this man. If he really loved me that much, how could he do this to us? How do I get him to respond?

I am sorry for the length of this post, but I felt it was important to include as many details as I could to get a valued opinion from those of you who probably can see this from an outside, objective point of view.

Thank you so much; I have no close friends or really anyone to lean on.

October 9, 2011

I feel very sad that you put him before your kids and the health of your family. You moved him into your house while he was unemployed, paid all of his bills while he sat around on his arse doing nothing? And you accepted that? To the point of never being around for your kids? To the point of having to file your own bankruptcy? Please get it together. Seriously. Enough of this. He has said his good bye's. Accept it. He does not want to be with you anymore, as much as it hurts. Muster up some dignity and pride and let it go. It is time to be an adult and a mother and put your kids first. You have a 13 year old who needs you. And needs you to be strong and healthy. Enough of the crying and depression and whatever. Get it together. This was unhealthy from the beginning and you allowed it to become unhealthier, and jeapordized your home and the financial security for you kids by taking care of this guy. He should have moved out long ago. And deep down i hate to say it, but he would have respected you alot more if you'd told him to get off his sorry arse and take any job to help pay the bills, than to let him sit around doing nothing, letting your life go down the drain. He would have respected and admired you more if you'd kicked his sorry arse out for sitting around doing nothing. You acted in desperation to keep him there, by accepting that, and putting your kids second. Even though he was part of it, he does not respect you for it. You acted like a doormat. I'm giving you some tough love here. Get your sh*t together for your kids and stop acting desperate with this man anymore. It's done.

October 10, 2011

Thank you for your response. I am going to do my best to do just that. Any suggestions would be helpful. It is very painful.

October 10, 2011

Well, it is not easy. You should also put yourself in his shoes.

He was in stress over his job, than he moves to your place and has additional stress through your children who resent him, what is the guy to do?

Pretty much he found himself in a no way out situation, he had to leave becuase he figired he was better off alone at this point.

October 10, 2011

LOLOLOLOL you say you're gonna try to not make the thread too long and boring and then lay this elephant on us?

tl;dr

I think this is really unnecessary for you to post this, if you cant say anything constructive you just shouldnt bother, most people on here are in alot of emotional pain and are looking for some support.

October 10, 2011

This relationship seems like a toxic one. I'm sure at the time it seemed like a good idea to try to help him. But it turned out that the better decision was to expect him to be a man and not take him in and take care of him like a child. Once your finances crashed, he left. He used you and it has put you and your children at risk. It is time to think of you and your family now. You cannot put a damaged man and his baggage ahead of your children and moreso yourself.

October 10, 2011

LOLOLOLOL you say you're gonna try to not make the thread too long and boring and then lay this elephant on us?

tl;dr

Don't listen to this IDIOT!!! He doesn't represent the people on this site, he's obviously a pathetic loser with nothing more to do with his time.

With regard to your story, I'm very sorry to hear what you've been going through. Most people on this site are going through really bad break up's too, but the manner in which your ex has done it has been particularly brutal!

First off, he appears to be a coward, and a lazy one at that! To let you work so much so he could find his "dream" job was extremely selfish. I would NEVER do that to someone I loved!

Secondly, to dump you via text message is ridiculous. What kind of a man would do something like this???

I would like to offer some hope regarding reconciliation but it's difficult in this case, plus if he's done this once what's to stop him doing it again?

My best advice is to read breakup books (Susan Elliot's book is very helpful, as is Paul McKenna's "I can mend your broken heart). The latter of these books comes with a self hypnosis cd which is really helping me, so maybe it could help you too!

Also, keep posting on this site. You will make a lot of friends, and there is always someone willing to offer advice or a listening ear.

October 10, 2011

Can I just ask you not to be detered by either of the two posters who have been cruel to you on your thread?

I have never seen either of them on here before and I think they are trying to sabotage this site for some reason. 99% of the people on here are good people who are willing to help, so keep posting, and don't listen to either of them!

October 10, 2011

no wonder you have no close friends, is that the kinda life choices you make by wanting to settle down with men who cant support themselves despite being 10 years older. I probably wouldnt associate with you either, cause your judgement and thought process is worse than OJ simpsons. you disgust me, go lesbo cause I doubt any man would be stupid enough to settle down with some down syndrome depressed whore like you. Well except for that ugly, no good, living at his parents, 50 year old, hasnt been in a relationship since 89 sorry ass

Couldn't think of your entire smart reply the first time genius??? And it was so well written too you idiot!

October 10, 2011

Thank you so much. It is hard enough to be strong and get through something that is emotionally difficult with trolls around.

I will look for those books. Again, thank you!

Don't listen to this IDIOT!!! He doesn't represent the people on this site, he's obviously a pathetic loser with nothing more to do with his time.

With regard to your story, I'm very sorry to hear what you've been going through. Most people on this site are going through really bad break up's too, but the manner in which your ex has done it has been particularly brutal!

First off, he appears to be a coward, and a lazy one at that! To let you work so much so he could find his "dream" job was extremely selfish. I would NEVER do that to someone I loved!

Secondly, to dump you via text message is ridiculous. What kind of a man would do something like this???

I would like to offer some hope regarding reconciliation but it's difficult in this case, plus if he's done this once what's to stop him doing it again?

My best advice is to read breakup books (Susan Elliot's book is very helpful, as is Paul McKenna's "I can mend your broken heart). The latter of these books comes with a self hypnosis cd which is really helping me, so maybe it could help you too!

Also, keep posting on this site. You will make a lot of friends, and there is always someone willing to offer advice or a listening ear.

October 10, 2011

Thank you so much. It is hard enough to be strong and get through something that is emotionally difficult with trolls around.

I will look for those books. Again, thank you!

If you need to ask anything else you can keep posting or PM me! You shouldn't be alone at times like these

October 10, 2011

I would sue the piece of **** for all the bills you paid for him. Then I would move on with my life.

October 22, 2011

Am trying to start NC to see if he will make an attempt to communicate with me, but it has been almost three weeks.

October 22, 2011

I am sorry to hear about what happened to you 214girl. No-one deserves that type of treatment. I agree with 100% with nature though, your choice to put this man's financial health above your own and your children is what caused this to spiral down to this sh** storm.

I really recommend you call in to the Suzy Orman show and explain your story like you did here. She is a financial adviser that talks about these type of situations all the time, and I really do believe her advice can help you.

October 22, 2011

I was payin his mortgage as well as mine, among other things. Things got to the point where I was having to work 6 and 7 nights a week to make enough money to try to keep us afloat. I told him I would do his resume for him and try to help him find work. He said he wanted to, but he was only willing to find something that "he really enjoyed", rather than take whatever he could find to help out.

The problem is that he was nearly unemployed for a year while having someone else pay his bills (including the mortgage for his house!). And when you were working yourself to debt to keep up with paying for the bills, he was looking for self-realization. That's unacceptable. He obviously had no consideration for your feelings or any kind of appreciation for your sacrifices. If you had been in his situation, would you have behaved like that? Probably not?

I'll be honest, I think it was also wrong on your part to sacrifice your own needs in order to keep him happy. While he must have enjoyed his carefree life to a certain degree, I guess, what you did for him, must have have also make felt worthless deep down inside, because he did know that he wasn't acting like a good guy who took care of his family. You assumed all responsibility while you actually should have shared them with him. When a guy doesn't live up to his responsibilities, the solution is not to take over more responsibility. If you can't resolve this problem with him, it's time to let go, even when it's painful. And I think when you are a mother, your priority are your kids and not some dude who is not having a grip on his life.

Let him go. If he's worth it and is able to pull himself together, he will come back. If you keep on pushing, he will continue running away.

Edited October 22, 2011 by PlumPrincess

October 22, 2011

214girl: I am sorry about what happened to you. When you are in love, the more you invest in the relationship, the higher the stakes, the more you continue to invest, sometimes even to the detriment of other people who love you and depend on you. It's a vicious cycle. To add to what others have already said, a couple of additional pieces of advice.

First, take a break from relationships to concentrate on rebuilding your and your kids' lives. My personal feeling -- which is to say, I in no way mean that it should be the rule for everyone -- is that after two marriages and three kids, two of whom are teenagers, any further marriages and marriage-like relationships should take a back seat, but that's just me. What you should never allow to happen, however, is for a new husband or live-in boyfriend to barge in and expect you to overhaul everything in your and your children's lives for him. Any new man must realize that he is coming into an established family that's not going to be turned upside down to cater to his whims and even needs, and he has to either accept that or move on.

Second, a tip for the future: if a man your age or older has never been in a stable, long-term relationship, that's a HUGE red flag. In fact, my own personal dating rules dictate that this is a deal-breaker for any man over 27 or so. Regardless of what the excuses are (and the excuses invariably come in three flavors: (1) too busy with career-building; (2) women are bitches; and (3) hopeless, unrequited love for some completely unavailable woman), if a grown person has never had a long-term relationship, this is a strong indication of extreme selfishness and an inability to compromise with another person's quirks and foibles. Whatever fine qualities they may have, such people aren't relationship material. Even in good economy.

Oh, and one last thing -- if this man ever gets in touch with you, DO NOT, under any circumstances, rekindle anything with him.

October 22, 2011

Let me just say quickly that a man who walks from a woman who supported him (not just him, his house and life bills), who then just walks and says being a man is now "taking care of myself without u around", and not respecting anything u did for him, is not a man. It is a self serving egotist. And there were plenty of ways that he could have made himself useful to u and ur kids if he wanted to, but he did nothing, so they responded to was he was, a deadbeat who drug down ur family in the process.

As far as the other morons posting in here, the best address is no address. Anybody with a double digit IQ can hurl insults....

October 22, 2011

Wow I'm really sorry you experienced this. I think you do have to work on distancing yourself and work on getting your life back together.

I second what a lot of people said about taking care of a man cause I think to some extent I did that too. He got his $hit together and another woman got the "new him." I learned too late that a man doesn't respect a woman that doesn't put her heart first and accepts from him/let's him get away with less than she deserves. I think your guy was taking the free ride but a real man would be doing everything he can to support himself so it's hard to find an excuse. And he knows there is no excuse for what he put you through which is probably why he just text and ran (mine did the same thing, what could he have said?).

A man that age who has never had a serious relationship would give me a little pause also. I mean, there is nothing wrong with that, but you are seeing his coping skills.

I hope you are able to see this as a painful step toward a better future. He really brought you down and you're too giving and caring for someone that only takes advantage of you. Please put your family first and leave this joker behind. He KNOWS he didn't deserve you.

October 22, 2011

Actually, people who break up with you via text message are really not relationship material and one should break off any contact immediately and move on.

October 22, 2011

Unfortunately you got used is what it sounds like to me. You lost your job and instead of stepping up like a man and getting a job to support you he bailed. Then he tried to end it through a text which is just a chicken **** move excuse my french and then leaves while you were at work. You can do way better than that and your kids deserve better than that. There are men out there that will step in and take care of you like you are supposed to be taken care of. Let this one go and go find someone else.

October 22, 2011

I can't quite see where the guy was "forced to quit his job".

He willingly quit his job, and the O.P. enabled this and then lived with the consequences of agreeing to anything he said.

I'd love to see some NBA star in his late 30's say:

I "was forced to quit my job" when my employer changed my terms of employment (from on-court to front office work), and downgraded my pay from $4 Million a year to $48,000 a year, which couldn't pay my bills.

And where was I when "the economy start(ed) going downhill" in MARCH, 2011 ????

C'mon, this guy was merely walking all over the OP, and she was a full and agreeable participant in it.

The best thing she can do now is to recognize this reality and walk away from this nut.

October 23, 2011

Well, he got a job and is "getting his life together". LOL Still haven't heard anything from him, for three weeks today. I have heard through others that he is working. Would've been nice for him to do it while he was with me instead of afterwards.

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. It is still very difficult, but I am taking it a day at a time. I think the hardest part for me is trying to understand how someone could use someone - for that length of time - then just walk out like they never meant anything. It really blows my mind.

October 23, 2011

Well, he got a job and is "getting his life together". LOL Still haven't heard anything from him, for three weeks today. I have heard through others that he is working. Would've been nice for him to do it while he was with me instead of afterwards.

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. It is still very difficult, but I am taking it a day at a time. I think the hardest part for me is trying to understand how someone could use someone - for that length of time - then just walk out like they never meant anything. It really blows my mind.

I'd guess he probably didn't like who he had become during the time he was with you and knew he was using you (even if that wasn't the intention initally). So now he's picking up with his life fresh and doesn't want to go backward and face the man you still see him as.

October 23, 2011

I had the exact same thing happen to me. I had a long term girlfriend and she just dumped me out the blue by text! she gave no explanation or reason, just a text saying its over and never to contact her again!!!

So I don't think it's to unusual to be honest, some people are just cruel, hurtful and only think of themselves and no one else's feelings. Its a cowards way to do it because they are just doing it to make it easier on themselves. How selfish is that?

Nothing you done wrong or could have done, there really isn't and analysing what you done won't help you because it wasn't your fault, its there's!!!

I feel for you and understand what you are going through. you are not alone and its happened to a lot of us. I'm thinking of you hun.

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Fiance of 4.5 years broke up via TEXT message and won't respond at all.

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